Do I Really See Me?

Last night I got into a discussion with a friend about "issues" we each face. 

The topic came up of how we each see ourselves. My friend, D, was describing how he saw himself and how some days he could not even look at himself in the mirror. 

The fact is that I completely understand where he was coming from with this. I feel the same exact way about me. I look in the mirror and I wonder do I really see who I am? 

I feel the need to backtrack for a moment. I have always dealt with this idea of self-loathing and extremely low self-esteem. As a kid I grew up pencil thin, almost white-blonde hair, blue eyes. Okay, I was a cute kid. Somewhere in late middle school I gained the weight. I went from being a pencil thin uber-active kid to being this pudgy, lazy, complacent slug of a teenager. 

I remained over weight most of my life. A couple years ago I decided that I had had enough of it all. It was time to fish or cut bait. (Hey, I am from the south...don't know our little whimsical sayings.) I consulted my doctor and my diet and exercise program began. I lost 85 pounds that year. I had never felt better, and I was wearing pant sizes I had not seen since my freshmen year of high school. 

Over the past couple years I have been on their weight roller-coaster. In all I have lost a total of about 130 - 150 pounds...dang roller coaster. My goal for 2010 is to see myself get below the 200 lb mark. My doctor tells me my ideal weight should be 175 - 190, so I will take his word for it. YIKES! 

Back on track here...I know that I am now wearing smaller clothes, feel better, and for all external purposes I look better than what I was. However, I rarely catch a glimpse of this newer person I have become and am working towards. I still see the bigger guy pre-weight loss. I still see all the weight still on me, and it does get me down from time to time. 

Is it my low self-esteem that keeps showing the old me in the mirror? 

Will I ever really get to see the true me in that blasted mirror? 

When I make it to my goal this year, will I be able to see it? 

Will I ever be loved by someone with the way I look? Is it possible? 

Yes, ladies and gents, I understand that the physical is only part of the whole package that is me. But, you understand the world we live in and can you honestly blame me for feeling this way? 

So on that lovely note for the night, I just want to say that I know many people struggle with this very idea. And, admittedly, D has me worried. We're here for you D! 

Below are some self-portraits painted by various artists.