Mother's Day

Today marks the 100th anniversary of Mother's Day! 

Let me begin by saying that I have been blessed to have some remarkable women in my life who have helped to raise me through the years. These women stepped in and took care of me. Many times they would claim me as their own child. They have blessed me with their unconditional love, and I cannot ever say THANK YOU enough to those women. These women are my paternal grandmother, my paternal aunt (aka "The Warden"), two of my best friends' moms (Patsy and Adele). Thank you for taking care of me and making sure I was loved. It means the world to me. You may never really know how much. 

On what should be a joyous day of celebration, I have spent most of the day in a very depressed state of mind. You see, my parents divorced when I was only 5 years old. The divorce left some very real and deep scars in my life. My family will tell you that the divorce probably affected me emotionally more than anyone else. I seem to be the one person who has never been able to let go of the hurt. It still plagues me to this day. However, what hurt more than anything was losing my mother. 

No, my mother did not pass away. She is still very much alive and kicking. After the divorce, my father gained full custody of me and my brother. My mother chose to fade into the background. I saw her, maybe, one a year. There were years where I wouldn't see her at all. My father lost a wife in the divorce, but I lost my mother. My mother became a subject that we did not discuss with my dad's family. My grandmother forbid it. My dear, loving grandmother did her best to protect us, so mentioning the woman who hurt her son and grandkids was not allowed. 

It wasn't until I was in my 20s that I really started to see and speak to my mom again. It has been about 15 years of trying to build a relationship with her. I have tried. She and I are so very much alike. It is obvious I am hers. However, we still only see each other about once or twice a year. I cannot say that I have ever had that mother-son relationship that so many of my friends have had. I still long for that relationship. My dad and grandmother had that bond. She had it with all of her kids. Why couldn't I have that with my mom? 

Today so many friends have been posting pictures of themselves with their mom, and I have almost been in tears all day. I realize now that I don't have a mother-son picture with my mom. My heart has been breaking all day. I didn't get to see my mom today. In truth, I haven't seen my mom in over a year now. My heart tears just a bit more each time I think of that fact. I don't know what to do. 

I did send my mother a card to say Happy Mother's Day and that I love her. Have I ever mentioned how bloody difficult it is to pick out a Mother's Day card for someone in my position? I look at all these cards, then I have to put so many of them back. So many of the cards mention how blessed the person is to have had a mother in their life for so many years. Another card may mention how the mom has always been there. I have sometimes stood for almost an hour looking for a card that fits. It is agony! 

A little while ago I decided to text my mom to wish her a Happy Mother's Day. I told her I was sorry that I didn't get to see her today, and that I miss her. She texted back to say thanks and that it has been too long since we have seen one another. Then she did say she loved me. Even the texts are killing me. 

Why does this have to be so hard? Will I ever have the type of mother-son bond I have longed for all these years? What am I to do? 

Thanks for taking the moment to read this. I apologize for the Debbie-Downer type message. Just needed to get this out of me. 

Hello, my friends.

I don;t even know how many of you still check out this blog. I haven't posted anything in almost one full year. Life has been going, as usual, full speed ahead. I sometimes find it difficult to just slow down and smell the proverbial roses. I had given considerable thought to shutting down this blog, but for some unknown reasons I cannot bring myself to delete it all. So, I decided I needed to write today.

Why is it that some people can cry at the drop of a hat, while others rarely are able to shed a tear?

I find myself to be one of those in the latter category. I cannot cry. There have been times in laugh where I have needed to cry, but I find myself unable to get over that threshold. The last time I remember genuinely crying was at the funeral of my paternal grandmother. She died nine years ago yesterday. Since then, I cannot recall a scenario or situation in which I was genuinely shedding tears.

Is there something wrong with me? I have built up such an emotional barricade that I cannot let it down to feel and express sadness, sorrow, etc?

Granted, I have forged myself one might Chinese wall when it comes to my emotions. They are not something I let show very often, especially in public. Being a teacher, I have to come to school being the happy teacher. I must give that daily for my students. However, there are things playing out in life that bother me, but I do not let them show. I have become a master of holding back emotion.

My Lord, I have become Spock! Even Spock had an emotional breakdown from time to time. I haven't reached that point yet. I tend to find other outlets to release that anger, sadness, fear, etc. The problem over the past year is that the outlet of choosing has been food. I have gorged on it just to try and make up for the lack of emotion in my life. It got way out of control. All of the weight I worked hard to lose 7 or 8 years ago has returned with a vengeance. (Granted, I am working to get that weight back off. Already, I am down 20 pounds, but a long way still to go.)

To my friends and colleagues, I appear as a tower of strength. However, it has all been crumbling down internally for a while. I just have no outlet in which to express it. Sounds like it is time to once again call up the therapist and make an appointment. Haven't done that in about 7 years. It is time to let it all out.

Anyway, back to the crying and my lack of emotions. What I wouldn't give to just breakdown for about an hour and have a good, old fashioned cry. I just need to know that I can once again feel emotions I have suppressed for so long. This is going to sound pitiful of me, but here goes. Lately I find myself watching YouTube videos of soldier homecomings. Specifically, soldiers returning to their kids. The tear at my heart, and I often come close to crying. Sadly, all I typically get out is one or two tears.

What I am fearful of most is that I have shut down my emotions to the point that it is shutting people out. My best friend, Jenny, moved to Florida over a year ago, and I haven't spoken with her except once or twice since then. I think I shut it all out so as not to get upset by the fact that my dearest friend is now over 12 hours away. I have even cut off friends that are closer in proximity to me (Mandi, Mikeal, Dean, Callie, Lynne, and the list goes on and on and on).

Furthermore, what if my emotional Chinese wall never comes down, and I miss out on finding my future husband and kids? I try to see that in my future, but it is blocked from my view. Have I gone too far in my life to hope for kids? How about the husband? I certainly don't want to go through this adventure of life alone. Where's the fun in that? A life is meant to be shared with someone. I am tired of this Chinese wall keeping me single and reclusive.

I fear that I have gotten off topic, so please forgive me. There is just this flurry of emotions trying to break free from the Chinese wall I have spent my lifetime building. Sometimes a little of it breaks through, but it is rare. It has certainly been trying its best to get over the wall this weekend.

Where does this leave me? The honest answer would be I have absolutely no idea. I know that I need to work on breaking down the emotional barrier I have built up all my life. It doesn't matter anymore why it was built in the first place. All that matters now is that I break down this wall and finally open up my life. I need to have the courage to step out and meet people. I need to have the courage to love and to be loved in return.

I need to finally man up and think about what my future is going to hold. Will I be in my current location? Will I move to a bigger city? Will I go back to school and get my Education Specialist degree in Administration?  Will I continue to seek leadership roles instead of taking the time to just be part of the team? Will I meet someone special and share our lives together? Will I finally get the chance to adopt a couple kids? Will I be a good parent? Will I be half the father my dad was to me?

So, has all of this emotional defensive strategy work I have done throughout the years left me an emotionless wreck? Do I have any hope for the future. I am hoping the answer is that I have time to make changes so that what I fear most will not happen. I cannot fail at this. There is too much at stake.

Thanks for listening, and I apologize (to anyone who may stumble upon this posting) for the randomness and overreacting I have done. Love you all!

-J-

PS...Before I go, I wanted to share the following picture. This afternoon I was feeling restless (as you can see by the post above) and decided to drive up into the mountains. Felt like I was on top of the world!