Let me begin by saying that I have been blessed to have some remarkable women in my life who have helped to raise me through the years. These women stepped in and took care of me. Many times they would claim me as their own child. They have blessed me with their unconditional love, and I cannot ever say THANK YOU enough to those women. These women are my paternal grandmother, my paternal aunt (aka "The Warden"), two of my best friends' moms (Patsy and Adele). Thank you for taking care of me and making sure I was loved. It means the world to me. You may never really know how much.
On what should be a joyous day of celebration, I have spent most of the day in a very depressed state of mind. You see, my parents divorced when I was only 5 years old. The divorce left some very real and deep scars in my life. My family will tell you that the divorce probably affected me emotionally more than anyone else. I seem to be the one person who has never been able to let go of the hurt. It still plagues me to this day. However, what hurt more than anything was losing my mother.
No, my mother did not pass away. She is still very much alive and kicking. After the divorce, my father gained full custody of me and my brother. My mother chose to fade into the background. I saw her, maybe, one a year. There were years where I wouldn't see her at all. My father lost a wife in the divorce, but I lost my mother. My mother became a subject that we did not discuss with my dad's family. My grandmother forbid it. My dear, loving grandmother did her best to protect us, so mentioning the woman who hurt her son and grandkids was not allowed.
It wasn't until I was in my 20s that I really started to see and speak to my mom again. It has been about 15 years of trying to build a relationship with her. I have tried. She and I are so very much alike. It is obvious I am hers. However, we still only see each other about once or twice a year. I cannot say that I have ever had that mother-son relationship that so many of my friends have had. I still long for that relationship. My dad and grandmother had that bond. She had it with all of her kids. Why couldn't I have that with my mom?
Today so many friends have been posting pictures of themselves with their mom, and I have almost been in tears all day. I realize now that I don't have a mother-son picture with my mom. My heart has been breaking all day. I didn't get to see my mom today. In truth, I haven't seen my mom in over a year now. My heart tears just a bit more each time I think of that fact. I don't know what to do.
I did send my mother a card to say Happy Mother's Day and that I love her. Have I ever mentioned how bloody difficult it is to pick out a Mother's Day card for someone in my position? I look at all these cards, then I have to put so many of them back. So many of the cards mention how blessed the person is to have had a mother in their life for so many years. Another card may mention how the mom has always been there. I have sometimes stood for almost an hour looking for a card that fits. It is agony!
A little while ago I decided to text my mom to wish her a Happy Mother's Day. I told her I was sorry that I didn't get to see her today, and that I miss her. She texted back to say thanks and that it has been too long since we have seen one another. Then she did say she loved me. Even the texts are killing me.
Why does this have to be so hard? Will I ever have the type of mother-son bond I have longed for all these years? What am I to do?
Thanks for taking the moment to read this. I apologize for the Debbie-Downer type message. Just needed to get this out of me.
