Once again this summer, insomnia has reared its ugly head. Right now it is just after 2:30 in the morning, and I don't feel the least bit tired. Not a good way to start the week...I leave for Chicago in three days!
Tonight I had quite a long talk with a friend of mine. We just started off the conversation with how the Pride parade went on Saturday. My friend decided to march in the Pride parade, a fact that made me proud to know him. I stumbled onto a picture of him that someone had posted from the parade. The only comment I could think of to make was "Love the pink shirt." (Well, I do have an affinity for pink. I have several pink shirts in my closet that I love to wear.)
Okay, back on track...
During our conversation, my friend asked me if I had been socializing much. (That is his round-about way of asking am I dating much.) First, I had to just sit back for a moment and laugh. It caught me off guard, but like most things I try to find the humor. I honestly have only known my friend, who we will refer to simply as K, for several months. He obviously doesn't know my dating record. (For the most part, most of you reading this will not know either.)
I quickly responded that me dating is a rare occurrence. My quick reply spurred quite a lengthy discussion as to why I do not date.
First, I let K know that I am just a big chicken. Most people in my life tend to see me as a very self-confident extrovert and perfectionist. They definitely have the perfectionist part right. However, many of them would be surprised to know I an a very self-conscious introvert. It borders on the line of being a social recluse. Take this weekend for instance. On Friday (my birthday), I spent the day alone. I actually escaped town and drove 90 miles away to spend the day in Pigeon Forge for shopping, go carts, laser tag, etc. I had a blast there, but when I got home I retreated back into the house. I did not see anyone for my birthday. (Good grief! That just sounds pitiful as I type it. Oh well. It is the truth!) Saturday and Sunday found me frozen to my couch. I was just alone, and didn't want to see or speak to anyone. There was a dark cloud over my head the entire weekend. About 6PM each night I finally did get a shower, get dressed, and then run out to pick up dinner. Even then I came back to the house and locked myself in for the night. Sadly, I even cancelled a dinner with a good friend of mine simply because I did not want to get out of the house.
It wasn't that I have been content staying in the house. I guess you could say some form of depressing had hit me, and kept me frozen to my couch. I lacked any motivation to get up and be productive. The same scenario usually plays true during the time I am working. (Remember, I am a teacher, so I work August to May.) I get to the school around 5:15 AM each morning, and I will work until 4:00 or 5:00 PM. Then I will come home, take a nap, and then putz around the house for the remainder of the night. I only go out if I have to do so.
Because of this self-imposed reclusive behavior, I don't get out much to meet people. In fact, I just don't date. It is rather difficult to meet someone when you never go out of the house.
Then came the question of how do I meet guys? The answer...I don't! The number of guys that I have date is few. It is important to remember that I didn't come to terms with being gay until I was 30. That means I have only been dating guys in the last 4 years. I know some people who could date a new guy or girl every other day, so they could rack up great numbers of dates in four years. I am not one of those people. Let's just estimate that the number of guys I have dated in the last four years is less than seven.
In truth, I don't know how to go about meeting guys. Tennessee is seen as a southern, bible-belt, conservative state. With that being said, I live in the upper northeast part of the state. It is known as the ultra-conservative part of the state. I only have two or three gay/lesbian friends in the area. All my other gay/lesbian friends live long distances away from me. So there are few friends around here like me. I don't have anyone here to talk with about how to meet guys. There is no one here to set me up with their friend. (I have had tons of straight friends over the years trying to set me up with their sister, niece, cousin, daughter, etc.)
K asked me if I went to clubs and bars. That was an easy question...NO! That has never been my scene. My anti-social nature does not like the club and bar life. It is usually too crowded, too smoky, too loud, etc.
Then we got into the more personal reasons as to why I don't date.
K asked me if I didn't date because I was scared of dating guys or if I was worried about others knowing I was gay. Part of this was easy to answer. I don't necessarily worry anymore about people knowing if I am gay. I spent 30 years of my life not accepting or knowing who I was. I am not about to go backwards. The people who know I am gay have either asked me or they are people who I felt needed to know. For the rest of the people in this world, it is none of their business. If they find out, it is of no consequence real to me. I cannot be fired for it, and it will not affect my job.
I suppose that leaves the question as I afraid of dating guys. On some level I suppose I am. Since my dating experiences with guys is very limited, I don't have a lot to go on. I don't know what type of guy is right for me. What I really worry about is why is this guy interested in me? That is the question always running through my head. I also don't know what kind of guys are out there. I definitely am not looking for a one-night stand, which I suppose is what I am always fearing.
Is this seriously making any sense???
The more I talked to K, the more I seemed to open up about history. For instance, I revealed that I have only ever truly loved once in my life. It was in my early 20s when I met Gwen. She was incredible, beautiful, and funny.We eventually were engaged to be married. Obviously it did not work out, but it was a mutual breakup.
Since that time I don't feel as though I have ever truly loved anyone...guy or girl.
Is this because I don't know how to love? Certainly not! I am capable of such love. My family, friends, and my students know of the love I have for others. I put all of them before myself. There is nothing I wouldn't do for them. That is unconditional love.
The truth is that I am afraid to love. For so many years I built up these emotional walls to protect myself from strife and pain. It is something I learned to do as a kid. My parents divorced when I was 5 years old. After their divorce, I had no relationship with my mother. Yes, I had other adults who showed me so much more love than I had ever known. The only problem was that I didn't feel love from the one person I needed the most...my mother. It was also an unspoken rule that my parents' divorce was never to be discussed. For years through my childhood and teenage years I blamed myself for some of my parents' issues. Then I saw my aunts, uncles, and even my grandparents getting divorces. Now I see my cousins (my age or younger) are now getting divorces.
Each divorce brought some amount of pain to me, and it reared some of the awful memories of my parents' split. I worked hard to build walls that would shield me from that pain again. All those awful memories made me vow not to ever marry, but it also has kept me from really getting out and dating others. There is always that fear of a painful breakup, arguments, etc. I know that fear shouldn't hold me back, but I have had it so long in my psyche that it is taking some time to get around.
One thing K and I discussed at length tonight is the fact I am constantly beating myself down. It is true, I am my harshest critic. I always focus on my faults rather than praise myself for what is good in my life. I have no problem telling myself what is wrong, but when it comes to praising myself I am usually at a loss for words. This carries over into picture of me. I hate them. There isn't but maybe one of two pictures that I have ever really liked of myself. I just don't necessarily see myself as good or worthy enough for a date, a boyfriend, or a partner in life. When a guy shows an interest in me, I am often very skeptical and suspicious. I am always trying to decide what he really sees in me that makes him interested. I often ask myself "Why would he want to be with me?" No, it is not a healthy way of dating someone. It can also make you crazy. Because I can never seem to quite figure out why a guy is interested in me, I will turn away from his interests or advances. I seemingly drive him away.
Here is the million dollar question: Do I want to date and ultimately find a boyfriend or partner?
The fast answer is MOST DEFINITELY. I certainly am open to the idea of dating. My issue is that I just don't know how to go about dating. I must learn to let go of these preconceived notions and fear that are always in the back of my mind. I must allow these protective walls to be broken down. I have got to allow myself to love others and open up to truly being loved, too.
This is a journey that is likely to be uphill and difficult. In order to succeed I must have the will to make my way uphill even when it seems I cannot go on...I must keep fighting!
Thanks for listening, my friends. You are the best for sticking out and reading this lengthy post. I suppose a floodgate of feelings and emotions opened up tonight. It is now 3:50 in the morning. I have spent almost 80 minutes in front of this computer. The challenge now is to hit the "Publish Post" button. Do I have the courage to put this out there for everyone to see? Soon to find out!
Love to you all.
Joey
