October Theme: Where am I?

I had seen this on Evan's blog, and had thought about taking part in this questionnaire. However, I kept putting it off because I didn't know if I wanted to get into something that deep. Alas, I decided to go ahead and complete it.

Let me go ahead and apologize now for some of the repeating statements that may have appeared in past postings. You never know.

Here goes nothing...

How did you get where you are today?

My story is not unlike others that I have read or heard about.

Let me begin with a bit of my background. I grew up in a small town of only 5000 people. I grew up in a very conservative, deep-rooted southern, and southern baptist home. I was raised to not drink, do drugs, or curse. I grew up with a very loving and supportive family. I really could do nothing to get into trouble because everyone knew my entire family. We used to run the town. (Mayor, city council, city manager, chief of police, county commissions, principals, school boards, etc.) Some would say I led a very sheltered life. I would have to agree with that.

I don't recall having any curiosity or attractions to other guys in middle or high school. I do remember being interested in the differences in body types, but nothing really more than that.

I really began to notice my attraction to other guys when I went away to college. At the time I did not know exactly what was going on with me. I was dating girls, but would never want to take it too far. So none of those relationships would last. I kept going back to being attracted to guys. I was scared to death at that revelation. I was always taught that it was wrong and that I would go to Hell. So, I made the choice to push these feelings back and throw myself into school works, volunteer work, and my job. The idea was to be so busy that I wouldn't have time to face these feelings.

This worked for a number of years.

Fast forward to about three years ago. I hit 29 and had still not dealt with all these feelings I had hidden for so long. At that point I decided to take the time to deal with whatever was going on with me. I went to prayer, and more prayer, and even more prayer. I would pray for understanding. Later I would pray for God to take these feelings away from me. Most of the time I would be praying and crying at the same time. I was so confused, angry, depressed. The more I prayed, the madder I got. I ended up yelling at the top of my lungs demanding that God give me some answer or sign.

Some time after that I got quiet and just sat there. Then I heard just one word...LISTEN. So I shut up, sat down, and just listened. What did I hear, well it ended up being music.This was the perfect way to get to me. I love music. It is a daily piece of my life. I ended up hearing music from a musical called Bare : A Rock Opera. The other music I heard was from a composer called Scott Alan. I have included the two songs that struck me below:

As I sat and listened to the words in these songs, I was just in tears. It was unstoppable. I new that these songs were sent to me. It was at that point I knew that God loved me for who I am in this life. It was all I needed for me to be okay...with myself.

I lived my 29th year of life trying to figure out just who I was. I knew about and had accepted my attraction to guys. I didn't know how to handle these feelings and where I could go for help. So, I seemingly weithdrew and went back into my crazy work schedule so I would not need to deal with any of this.

My 30th birthday came and passed. It was just before my 31st birthday (while I was still 30, thank you!) I finally decided it was time for me to live my life. I decided to come out to a friend of mine. I will just call her A. A and I went as far back as high school, and now she was here in my school's town. I took A to lunch and finally just let it all fly. A say there with this big goofy grin on her face telling me that she suspected and was that she loved me for who I am. She just wanted me to be happy. We talked for another hour or so.

From that point on, I decided to tell my other closest friends. I next told my friend and teaching colleague, L. L and I went through our master's program together and really hit it off as friends. She was the next person I told. Again, just another goofy grin and statements of love and support. I was on cloud 9.

The next time I came out to someone was my best friend, Jen. Jen and I went all the way back to 6th grade. She was like my sister. I always felt the need to protect her. Our friendship grew during college, and I would give my life for this girl. I love her that much. I decided I would tell her while we were out of town at a friend's wedding. I tried to tell her the entire weekend, and could not do it. I finally broke down and told her at the breakfast on our last day at the wedding. Again, another goofy grin, love and support, and the hug I needed more than anything.

From there, a select number of friends have been told. I have also told my favorite woman in the whole-wide world...my Aunt S. I was so scared to tell her, but I finally blurted it out on the phone one evening. She was very inquisitive, but told me she loved me now the same as she did five minutes before. I made her promise not to tell my dad just yet. I wanted to be the one to do that.

Now, here I am...out to some, hidden in the closet to others. Just trying to live my life day by day and being the best me I can be.

Are you happy with where your are? Why or why not?

I guess the best answer would be yes and no.

Yes, I am happy that I was finally able to accept who I am.

I am happy that I have told some of my closet friends and some family.

I am not happy that I feel the need to hide who I am because of the close-mindedness of others.

I am not happy that I live in fear of losing my job because of a parent who would demand their kids be removed from the "gay teacher's class."

I am happy that I am continuing to garner strength to be who I an, and not being ashamed of it.


Where do you see yourself in the future?

Where I will be in the future is something I cannot wait to see and find out. I don't know if I will still be teaching. I am hoping that I can get a position working with the union to fight for the rights and freedoms of teachers and students. I would love to be serving as a lobbyist in Washington, DC trying to convince congressmen on the rights and responsibililties of ALL teachers. I would also love to do some civil rights work with the LGBT teaching community.

I am hoping that I will be fully out to whomever will ask me. I won't be around promoting the fact that I am attracted to guys, but I hope that I will not hiding who I am anymore.



What roadblocks do you have/have overcome?

My biggest roadblock I can foresee is FEAR. I have such great fear. Fear for my job, fear for my rights to adopt, fear for losing my friends and family.

Another roadblock for me would be a fear of change. I want so much to move to a city that is much more accepting of all types of people. However, I would have moved several years ago if I wasn't so scared to make the move.




What advice do you have for others following a similar path that you have?

My advice would be to take the time to discover who you are. I also think it is important to not beat up on yourself. I know I am guilty of that one. I spent so much time in depression and self-hate that the damage could have been irreversible. I was lucky that I was able to talk with a therapist. It made all the difference in the world.

My other advice is face your feelings, no matter how scary. Don't push them back and surrpress them.

Finally, don't be scared to tell your friends and family. I still fear telling certain people because I don't know what their reactions will be or if I will lose their friendship. If they can't accept and love you for who you are, it will be their loss.


What advice do you have for friends and family?

My advice to friends and family is to take the time to talk with your person in question. No doubt you will have questions, and so will they. Take the time to discuss any questions or concenr

Communication is the key!

Also, make sure the person telling you their feelings know that they are loved. Don't be someone who says "I love you but I don't have to support you." That in itself would be worse that disowning your kids.

Ultimately, just show the love.

Into the Wild

Insomnia kicked in this evening, so I have been awake since 3 AM. Who knows why? I certainly have no idea. Oh well...life goes on.

Since I was awake, I decided to see what movies were playing. I came across a movie called "Into the Wild." The trailer is below:



The movie was written and directed by Sean Penn. You may not like or always agree with the man, but you cannot deny the awesomeness of his recent works.

"Into the Wild" is based on the life of Christopher McCandless (played by Emile Hirsch), a 1990 graduate of Emory University. After graduating, McCandless gave his entire savings to Oxfam and set out on a trek for the wilderness of Alaska. What ensued was an adventure that took his across the United States, into Mexico, and ultimately to Alaska. The people he meets along the way are a incredibly diverse cast of characters whose lives are touched by McCandless' story.

I don't want to give too much away about the movie. I will say that it is an emotional roller coaster of an adventure. I could not help but be sucked into this movie and the life of Chris. I found myself wanting to reach out and help him.

On of the highlights of this movie was the friendship between McCandless and "Ronald Franz," played by the Academy Award nominee Hal Holbrook. It becomes one of a grandson to a grandfather.

Okay, I will not go any further except to say SEE THIS MOVIE!

If anyone else has seen it, I want to hear your opinion of the movie.

Later!

My 50th Post (My 50 Wishes)

I cannot believe that I have been on this thing long enough to have a 50th post. I never thought I had enough material in my head to make 50 postings.

To celebrate I thought I would try something different. I want to post 50 things I wish for in this life.

1.  I wish for all my students to be successful in their lives.
2.  I wish to find someone to fulfill my life in ways I could never imagine.
3.  I wish I had the nerve to audition for the theatre.
4.  I wish I could visit Rome and the Vatican again.

5.  I wish to someday have kids of my own.
6.  I wish to keep the hair on my head (and keep it from going grey would be a bonus, too).
7.  I wish I had some sort of artistic ability.
8.  I wish to meet musical composer Scott Alan. (I have never heard music with such passion behind it.)

(Starts at 0:40)

9.  I wish I knew what the future held for me.
10.  I wish that my friends and family can find peace in their lives.
11.  I wish my father would finally marry his long-time girlfriend. She is awesome.
12.  I wish I could better express my feeling to my friends and family instead of hiding them.
13.  I wish I could have been a pediatric oncologist.
14.  I wish scientists could find cures for AIDS, cancer, alzheimers, and the common cold.
15.  I wish I had an apartment in downtown Manhattan.
16.  I wish that I didn't have such commitment issues.
17.  I wish I could play the piano.
18.  I wish I could paint like Van Gogh.

19.  I wish my sister would get her GED and get her life on track.
20.  I wish I could just hop on a plane and see the world.
21.  I wish I had the winning ticket for the Mega-Millions jackpot.
22.  I wish I could figure out my career path. Where am I being led?
23.  I wish that I could get tickets to see Josh Groban in concert. (truly incredible)
24.  I often wish I could have had the relationship with my mother that my friends have had with theirs.
25.  I wish my grandmother was still alive. I miss her all the time.
26.  I wish that the University of Tennessee Vols will come back to the glory they deserve!

27.  I wish my good friend L could find a job and, at last, happiness again.
28.  I wish my closest friends didn't live so far away.
29.  I wish I could have stayed in college forever.
30.  I wish parents would quit making excuses, and instead work to help their child succeed.
31.  I wish I could have known Benazir Bhutto.

32.  I wish I could perform in a musical like Rent, Spring Awakening, Bare, etc.
33.  I wish to someday be a public official in our government. (governor or senator????)
34.  I wish I could make a decision on a car to purchase.

35.  I wish to see, camp in, and hike through the Grand Canyon.
36.  I wish the voices in my head would all make the same decision.
37.  I wish I wasn't so self-conscious.
38.  I wish that I didn't have to teach my students to be test-takers all the time instead of free-thinkers.
39.  I wish I could walk the entire Appalachian Trail someday.

40.  I wish to lose the rest of the weight I have worked so hard to get off of me.
41.  I wish I could sit down to dinner with Franklin & Eleanor Roosevelt, Ben Franklin, and Ghandi.
42.  I wish I could spare all my students the pain they may feel as a child.
43.  I wish teachers would get paid more like professional athletes. (We deserve it, dang it!)
44.  I wish to run a 1/2 marathon by this time next year.
45.  I wish we all could just get along.
46.  I wish I had more nerve to get up and sing in front of a crowd.
47.  I wish I didn't feel the need to hide my true identity on this blog
48.  I wish I could mend a couple of the friendships I have lost over the years.
49.  I wish I had all the answers.
50.  I think Rascal Flatts said it best in the video below!

Whew, this took me a long while to complete. Who knew that trying to list 50 wishes would take such effort?

Anyhow, I want to thank each and every one of you for reading (what often times seems like) my crazy thoughts, for your support, and ultimately for your friendship. If I could truly express what the friendships mean to me... Thank you for your willingness to accompany me through my journey. I will hopefully be able to repay it all back and to pay it forward.

Here's to whatever the future holds for all of us.

- JC

You Are Free

You are free.

You are free before the noon day sun
You are free before the moon
And you are free before the stars.

You are free where there is no sun
Where there's no moon
And where there isn't a single star in the sky

And you are a slave.

You are a slave to the one you love
Because you love him.

And you are a slave to the one you love
Because he loves you back.

There's Always a Way

I will admit it...I am a Grey's Anatomy junkie. I cannot get enough of it. I don't know if it because some of the characters remind me so much of my collegiate friends, a number of which as physicians. I am reminded of the craziness of my friends by watching the show. Moving on...

I was watching tonight's episode. Derek was preparing for surgery to remove a tumor wrapped in the spinal cord. As he was talking with his patient, this is what he was told...

There is always a way.


When things look like there's no way
There's a way.

To do the impossible
To survive the un-survivable
There's always a way.


And you...
You and I have this in common.
We're inspired.
In the face of the impossible,
We're inspired.


So today, if you become frightened,
Instead, become inspired.


This outlook on life is something I long for and need to remember. There is always a way! No matter how difficult and hopeless times in our life may become, we have to remember that there is a way to overcome and thrive. At times, life may feel impossible to go through. We must remember that we can make it through. We must "become inspired" to find the path and push forward.

Yes, I am feeling exceptionally inspired today. Life will get better if we choose it to do so. I choose to find the way to make this life what I long to have. I can do it. "There's always a way!"

Have a fantastic weekend to each of you.
Hope to talk to you soon.
- JC

All Good (and a teaser, too)

I am sorry to say this will be a short post. I am on a break before I have to get into another meeting. Honestly, I have been swamped and overwhelmed by the number of meetings in the past week. I don't think I have enough fingers to count how many meetings are on my calendar for this week. How did this happen??? Well, it can get this hectic when I am balancing a number of responsibilities that require my attention. Just have to hold on, shrug the shoulders, and move on in life.

So I just wanted to take a few moments to say how much I appreciate all of the support you all have given me in the past 24 hours. I really did not expect that. I was just trying to release some steam so I would not get down. I know that I may feel like there is no one around, but I also know that a number of you made the point I am not alone very clear! I am working on getting back to each of you. It may take me a few days given my insane schedule of activities.

Today has been a crazy, but fun day. The kiddies in class were wild but a lot of fun. I love that they are finally becoming inquisitive about the world around them. They are asking so many questions that I sometimes don't make it through the lessons. It is okay, but I have to watch and keep myself on schedule. I cannot afford to get too far behind my plans. Again, I realize how fortunate to have such a fantastic career of working with our future.

In true JC form, I wanted to post a video that made me roll on the floor laughing today. It is a video of Straight No Chaser singing "The Christmas Can Can." Yes, I know that Christmas is still two months away, but these guys truly have a talent like no other. Even if you don't like accapella music, you cannot deny the awesomeness of SNC!

I have to say that I also posted this to tease MJ

I will give you a call after my meeting to help with your tech issue. 

Alone

Disclaimer: 
There are just times where I feel a bit down and need to get it out of my system. This is one of those postings. Please know that I am okay, just feeling a little lonely and need to express it. This, too, shall pass!

Alone
by : Linda Stufflebeam

I am so alone
You can see the loneliness in my eyes
Loneliness is my only friend
Loneliness is my only true love
Being alone is my heart
But being alone is just being alone.

Loneliness is just being one person
and only one person.
You can't really love anyone
if you are alone.
Your heart does not like
to be alone.

You need to be with someone
and not alone.
Being alone can make you
sad and unhappy.
Being alone can hurt you
and make you cry
if you don't have someone to love.

So don't be alone if you can help it.
Being alone is really no fun at all.

Alone

by : Maya Angelou

Lying, thinking

Last night

How to find my soul a home

Where water is not thirsty

And bread loaf is not stone

I came up with one thing

And I don't believe I'm wrong

That nobody,

But nobody

Can make it out here alone.

Alone, all alone

Nobody, but nodoby

Can make it out here alone.

There are some millionaires

With money they can't use

Their wives run 'round like banshees

Their children sing the blues

They've got expensive doctors

To cure their hearts of stone.

But nobody,

No, nobody

Can make it our here alone.

Alone, all alone

Nobody, but nobody

Can make it out here alone.

Now if you listen closely

I'll tell you what I know

Storm clouds are gathering

The wind is gonna blow

The race of man is suffering

And I can hear the moan,

'Cause nobody,

But nobody

Can make it out here alone.

Alone, all alone

Nobody, but nobody

Can make it out here alone.

Time for a Confessional

As I am writing this, I cannot believe what I am about to tell you. I am sitting here laughing as hard as I can as I get ready to make this confession. Are you ready? Here I go?

I love to dance.

There, I said it! I am not just talking about any dancing...I am talking country/western dancing. Here is the story.

When I was a kid, my dad and all his friends would take country dancing lessons from this couple that owned a dance studio. Honestly, it was something for them to all do together during the week and then go out on the weekends and put their newfound skills to the test.

All of my dad's friends had kids my age. Most of them would go into the other room and watch whatever was on the television while our parents took these dance lessons. That didn't interest me at the time. I wanted to learn how to dance like everyone else was doing. So I was the lone kid in the crowd. I learned how to do the 2-step, waltz, east-coast swing, west-coast swing, cha-cha, etc. I actually became fairly good at the dances. My dad and his friends would head out on a Friday and/or Saturday nights to go dancing. I was happy to go with them. Well, you can imagine that I was out there dancing all night long with all these women who were older than me. I was the novelty...a kid who knew all the dances and knew how to lead. We would be out till after midnight most times just dancing then going out for breakfast. It was awesome for a kid. Heck, it sounds like fun now...let's go.

Before you decide to stop reading, there's more. Oh, it get's even better.

Fast forward to my junior and senior year of high school. I was out every weekend dancing wherever the music was at the time. Country dancing was the "in" thing to be doing. One of my friends in high school invited me to go dancing with her one Friday night. She told me to be sure to bring an extra pair of clothes to change into for more dancing. I did not quite understand, but I went anyway. Little did I know about the world I was about to enter.

We get to this television production studio and enter a door below an awning that said the "White Horse Cafe." I had heard of this place before, but I did not realize what I was just about to walk in to at the time. Turns out that the White Horse Cafe is the place where the television show "Club Dance" took place. That's right, I was about to dance on television. I was freaking out, but excited by the idea.

For those of you who have never heard of this show, Club Dance was a dancing show on The Nashville Network from 1991 - 1999. The Nashville Network (TNN) is now Spike TV. People would tune in every weekday to watch us dance around the floor for an hour. It was hosted by Shelly and Phil...two characters in their own right. We ended up taping over 2000 episodes during its run. We would tape three shows on Friday evenings and two shows on Saturday morning. I was on the show from 1994 - 1997. I got to be on the show more than 100 times, which meant I was considered a "regular."

This show was a blast to be a part of. The atmosphere was one of just sheer fun. Everyone was there to have a good time, listen to some country music, and DANCE. There were some crazy characters on the show. I will keep their names off of here for their own good. I got to go to a couple weddings of some of the couples who met on the show. Good friends and good memories.

Well, there you have it...my confessional for the day. I don't know why I thought about sharing this, but I thought I would just give you something to make you laugh a bit. Below you will find a couple videos that I found from the show on Youtube. They are not the highest quality videos, but you get an idea. I may or may not be in these particular videos. Although, I do have tapes of the shows I am in because my dad constantly taped the show. He was a proud papa!

Hope everyone is going well and is happy!
- JC

Perplexed...That's Me!

Let me just start off by saying that I am glad to see the weekend finally get here. It has truly been a week I won't soon forget.

As the title of this posts states, I am perplexed. I am at several crossroads in life, and I have to make decisions as to what my actions will be.

I recently got a phone call from a local company offering me a job that I applied for before I became a teacher. While I can't be specific with what the job is (again, anonimity) I will say that it is still in the education field. It's just not an official teaching position.

Normally, I would say no to taking this job. They have been asking me what it would take for me to even consider taking the job. I flat out told them that they would have to match my salary. Sadly, the position they want to hire me for starts off at almost $10,000 less than I make now. Knowing that, I pretty much figured there is no way they are going to come back with an offer.

I was wrong! I got a phone call last week asking if making just $1000 less would be acceptable. Seems they have been figuring their budgets and supplemental options that would get me to my current salary, or even just $1000 less. The fact that they have been working so hard to figure out if they could match my salary says tons. They are seriously wanting me and only me for this position.

This leaves me not knowing what to do. I have tons of questions I am asking myself to try to figure this out.


Do I stay in my current role as a teacher? 

I love being a teacher. From the first day I stepped foot into the classroom, I knew that I had found my calling in life. I was meant to teach students. I was meant to be a mentor, role model, counselor, etc. I have even set goals of one day being the principal of a middle school, and someday I would become a director of a school system.

As a teacher, I truly believe that I have affected the lives of my students and their families. I know this to be a fact because I have parents and students that come back to visit me, send me updates on email, and even call me at home. I feel the love and the appreciation for what I have done for their lives.

I don't know if I can give up something like that. I always wanted to be able to make the lives of students better than they ever thought possible.

Can I do that in this new job? The answer to that is MAYBE. While I would be working with a great deal more students than the 75 I work with each year as a teacher (think several thousand each year with the new job), I would not be able to build the types of trust and relationships I build with my students. I would not be spending as much time with the masses that I do with my classroom students.


Do I want to lose the leadership roles I have come to love because of the difference I get to help make in the world?

One part of my life that I tend to keep off of here are some of the leadership roles I have undertaken in recent years. I fear of being discovered and identified by those leadership roles. Well, I will try to convey this as best I can.

Because of my leadership roles in education, I have the ability to affect change that will benefit the teachers, the students, and their families. I have the opportunity to work with teachers from across the state and country in an effort to affect that change. It began in local leadership, but my roles have grown into statewide leadership and into the national arena. With my love of politics and my love of education, I am at a point where I can see my future in this particular line of work. I would love to do lobbying for the betterment of education. There are so many areas of education that need to be looked at and improved, and I can be one of the voices to get that change implemented.

Outside of education, I also am chairman or a member of several different civic organizations. I feel I am making a place for myself. I enjoy working with these organizations. Each works to benefit the lives of our citizens in some shape or form.

Can I honestly end those relationships in exchange for this new job? Granted I would have new roles to fill, and I can even see myself leading this company in the future. I could be one of the state directors. I can see me there, and others have commented on it as well.


Do I leave the school that I have loved since the first day I walked in it?

When I say I love this school, I mean I feel a connection and an ownership of this school. We are a pretty large middle school (about 1200 students in two grades) and one of the top in the state. We have worked hard over the past 10 years to be the best. We have set high expectations for our teachers, staff, students, and their parents. We don't accept failure. We believe every student can succeed, and we instill that in our kids. I have a family-like connect to my colleagues, students, and their families. I have never felt this anywhere I have ever worked before.

There really is no good way to explain how this feels except to say that I feel loved, needed, and respected in my school and school system. That takes time to build, and do I want to start over.

The funny thing about all of this is that I have worked with this other company for about 12 years now in a volunteer capacity. I know so much more than any newbie would know coming into this position. I have connections, friendships, and community partnerships across the state because of my work with this company. I know that there is already a level of respect for me in this company. But, I will still be the newbie. Also, the role that I have enjoyed for so many years as a volunteer would be greatly affected by me taking a position with them. Do I really want to change that role? I don't know!


Other Thoughts:

Given the fact that I dream of moving to a larger city someday in the future, do I really want to take a job with this company knowing that I am locking myself into the area I am currently living in?

If I took the job with this new company, they would allow me to go back to school and pursue another degree...FREE OF CHARGE. (I would only be allowed to take two classes per semester for free, but it is better than nothing!) With me wanting to obtain my doctorate degree, do I want to give up that chance?

What are the advancement possibilities in this new company? Is it any better than in the school system? In my opinion, I would say that the opportunity for advancement is less in this new company. There are not many ways to advance unless someone is fired, promoted, or they die. Given the limited number of positions in this company across the state, I don't see me getting to move up very much or even quickly. As a teacher, there aren't many advancement opportunities either. However, I can see myself becoming a leader in education if I remain a teacher and in the leadership roles I already have.


Well, I suppose I may be answering my own questions just by venting it out here. As much as I would love to take this new job, I think I will have a much greater effect if I remain a teacher for now.

I welcome any thoughts or opinions.

Hope everyone is having a great weekend. I am off of here to head to the movies. Going to see "Cirque du Freak : The Vampire's Assistant." All of the reviews I have read say it is an awesome movie. Should be a good time.

Take care,
- JC

By the way, I have missed talking with several of you online this week. Hope you all are doing well, and hope to talk to you soon.

It's for You!

When I was in 8th grade I had the best mathematics teacher known to man. While I will not give out her name, I will say that it is because of her that I decided to be a math teacher. She just made learning fun. The absolute coolest thing she ever did for all her students was to give out her home phone number on the first day of school. She told us that if we ever had a question about the homework we were to use the number and call her.

I admit that I used the number on several occassions throughout that year. She even freaked me out at times when she would leave help on her answering maching for the exact problem I was calling about. Was she psychic??? Sometimes it felt life she was, but now that I am a teacher I understand she had the experience to back it up.

Jump to several years later to when I became a middle school math teacher. From the first year I taught I have always given my students my phone number. I tell them from day one that it is to be used if they have homework help or if they are in a situation where they need help in general. I tell my students that I do not accept "I didn't understand the problems" as a reason for not completing your assignment. All I ask is that you attempt the problems. I do not demand that you always get them all correct. How else will you learn if you don't make the mistakes. But, just not trying the problems...unacceptable.

You may be asking yourself if my students will ever use the phone number. The answer is a resounding YES! The first couple of weeks it may only be one or two students who will be my initiates for the team. They begin to spead the word that they had called Mr. Teacher for help. Other students will follow suit. At some point, I had to put a time limit on when I could be called. Otherwise I may have students calling me at any hour of the night. (Shouldn't they be in bed anyway?!)

Here is the funny part about all of this...I have former students who will call and ask me for help with their mathematics in the higher grades. I also get emails from them and their parents to keep checking in over the years and sometimes to request for help. Heck, I even tutor some of my former students as they have moved into high school.

Some teachers would be annoyed by the fact that they don't get any downtime. I honestly love when my former students make it a point to come back and visit (even if it is for help in their homework). It helps me to know that I have earned their trust and respect.

I actually just got off the phone with one of my former students. I remember when he was in 6th grade. What I remember most is his insecurity and fear of doing math. Now, when I get calls to help him out, I hear this confidence in his voice. He knows he can do the math if he will just take the time to talk it out. It makes this teacher very proud of him.

Hey, it's the little things in life that make the biggest differences.

Just needed to share that today.


Everything is going pretty good on my end of the world. This week has had its ups and downs, hospital runs, and some peace and quiet.

I have also had the chance to talk with some pretty remarkable people out there in the blogging world. (You all know who you are.) I am astounded and dumbfounded by the things I have learned about them, and in turn about myself. I hope we can all continue to talk and learn. You all know where to find me.

Well, I am off of here to go write a quiz for tomorrow's classes. The best part about tomorrow...IT'S FRIDAY! Look out weekend.

- JC

Endoscopy anyone?...anyone?...anyone?

The past 24 hours have been quite interesting. I will apologize now for the digusting details that may come along.

Last night I decided to have an omelette for dinner. I ended up fixing a cheese omelette with steak strips. I love fixing omelettes because they are simple to make and only take a few minutes.

Being a teacher, I have become very good at eating my meals very quickly. Even when I am at home I tend to speed eat. Tonight was no exception. I was hurrying through this steak and cheese omelette. Let me preface and say that there are some things you should never try to hurry and eat...steak being one of them.

As you can probably imagine, I was not properly chewing my food before swallowing it. About half-way through the omelette I felt a piece of steak go down the wrong way. I felt it move down and get stuck in my chest. I just felt it stop and get lodged.

Before anyone panics, I was not choking. I could breathe just fine. However, there was a lot of coughing going on. This steak got stuck in between the esophagus and the trechea. I was smart and did not panic. Actually, this happened a couple of years ago so I knew what was happening.

Here comes the disgusting part. Because of this piece of steak being lodged where it was, I was beginning to spasm. It is my body's way of trying to vomit and dislodge the steak. All that was coming up was mucus...lots and lots of mucus. I tried drinking water hoping that it would help move it and slide it on down. What ends up happening is the water goes down the trachea and towards the lungs. It immediately starts my coughing again. Nothing would go down.

I knew what I was going to have to do. But, I wanted to wait until the morning. I decided to lay down for the night and sleep. Let me go ahead and tell you that it is impossible to sleep with that stuck in your throat. Within minuts of laying down I would start to convulse and vomit again. This went on ALL NIGHT!

I got up and went in to the school this morning about 5 AM. I got sub plans together so I could take the day off to relieve this problem. I ended up going to the emergency room to have an endoscopy done.

 An endoscopy is basically where the doctor sends a camera down my throat to find the undesirable object. Then they just get a hold of the object and extract it. I was sedated during the entire procedure. I remember talking with the nurse for a few minutes. She left to tend to another patient. Next time I saw her I was done.

All in all, the procedure is virtually painless. Waiting around for more than 14 hours to get it taken care of was not a joy AT ALL!

I missed a day of work because of it, but at least I can have some extra rest time. The sedation meds were awesome.

This has really worn me out tonght, so I am planning to turn in early. That never happens.

See, miracles do happen! 

Getting Out of the Funk

I decided after reading everyone's responses, I needed to get out of this funk!

This popped up on my facebook account today. Made me laugh.

Yes, I am a gLeek! What can I say?

Apologies All Around

I feel the need to apologize to everyone. There are times when I step outside of my life and take a look at it. Last night happened to be one of those times. I did not mean to sound like I was in a desperate state. In fact, I was following my thoughts to their logical ends. I felt the need to air it out and actually see what my thoughts were. Sometimes it is better for me to see if written out. I did not realize how I really felt about it all.

In particular, I feel the need to apologize to M. I hope that you don't think that your question during our discussion has sent me spiraling down. In fact, I think that because of our conversation I was able to take a closer look at myself. I appreciate gifts life that. So, thanks!

Yes I seem to be withdrawing into old habits of throwing myself into my career and volunteer work. M and Chris both have pointed out to me that I need to probably step back a bit and find a way to enjoy my life. I agree with them 100%. I do enjoy the parts of my life that I do live. I love being a teacher. Working with the kids I have brings such joy into my life. The volunteer work I do involves working with students from grades 4 through 12 from all over the state. When I get the chance to work with this group, I feel even greater joy. They are some of the most terrific examples of our future, and they are constantly giving me hope for it.

But, obviously, there are areas of my life where I am missing out.

I do live alone. While I enjoy the privacy and peacefulness it provides, I find that there are times (more and more frequently lately) where I long to have someone in my life.

I don't get out much any more. I used to get out at every possible opportunity. I cannot recall the point where I became such a hermit. I suppose it ties back in to my living alone.

The more I think about pursuing a relationship, the faster I go to that fear corner I have come so accustomed to hiding in lately. Chris made a great point today when he said "The best part about coming out to myself is knowing that God loves you perfectly. Not for who you think you should be but for who you are. in his most perfect way." The more I thought about that statement the more it helped me realize that perhaps I am not completely come out to myself. What I mean is that I have come out to myself, but have I whole-heartedly accepted who I am? The fact that I can ask that questions tell me that I have not.

Now my task is to take the time to examine why I have not completely accepted who I am. Wow, it feels like starting at square one again. I will certainly keep everyone posted as this journey seems to take a somewhat new path I was not expecting.

I am inspired by the people I have met on here. Each of you adds some component to my life that I need. Obviously you were brought into my life for a reason. The more I read, the more I am inspired and uplifted. So thanks to all of you.

Life is getting better...one step at a time.

I am grateful and feel the love!
- JC

Are You Livin' or Are You Existin'?

Fall break is over and the kiddies return to school in the morning. I am sitting here on my couch writing lesson plans, powerpoint presentations, etc. I find myself having an extremely difficult time because my mind is racing in 20,000 different directions. So now I feel the need to get this out of my head...I have to so I can focus.

I was chatting with M online tonight. We got into this discussion of how life is going for me being a gay man. I tried as best as I could to explain my life. I said that I only accepted the fact that I am gay about 2 years ago. I have only been out to people for a year to a year and a half, and still not out to others. I have only dated one guy, and that only lasted about a month. Basically, he could not handle the insanely busy schedule that I keep. I am constantly on the go, so I don't really have time to deal with having a relationship or being alone.

M asked me if that is LIVING. Instantly I remembered a line from the movie "The Family That Preys" (By the way, if you get a chance check out this movie. It is a Tyler Perry movie, but one of his dramas. The cast includes Kathy Bates, Alfree Woodard, Tyler Perry, and others. It is a great cast. The movie is incredible and worth the time.) The line from the movie is a question that Alfree Woodard remembers Kathy Bates asks her. She says "Alice Evans...are you livin' or are you existin'?"

It is exactly the point M was trying to make.

As I thought about it, I knew the answer was that I am just existin'.

As with everything else in my life, I basically throw myself in my career and volunteer work. By staying so extremely busy I don't have to deal with anything else. My days consist of going to the school, teaching kids, meetings after school, workout, home for a short nap if needed, off to my office to work on more school stuff, laundry, clean house, etc.

I know I have mentioned this in my other posts, but I don't have a chance to go out and date in my area. The biggest reason is that every time I go out somewhere I will see someone that I know. I will see students, former students, parents of former students, other teachers, or whoever. My fear is that if it discovered that I am gay man teaching in a middle school there might be parents who would pull their students out of my classes or out of the school. I live in a very sounthern, uber-conservative part of the country. It may sound paranoid, but I have seen parents use this against a colleague of mine to try and get them fired. Just a bit of FYI, this colleague did not get fired. The principal stood up and said that we are not going there. I know I would have the support of my fellow teachers and administration, but I don't won't to go down that road.

Because of these fears I have, I make a choice not to go out and socialize with other gay men. I don't do clubs and I definitely don't do hookups. It's just not me. I suppose you could say it goes back to my conservative and religious upbringing. I simply choose not to act on these feelings I have. It seems I am choosing to remain single.

Well, maybe...

I wouldn't say that I am making the single life my choice. I am simply choosing not to get out there and meet people. I am always finding excuses to not go out...work, exhaustion, work, etc.

Before anyone asks, YES it is lonely at times. (more and more often, as a matter of fact) How do I handle the lonliness? I work, go hiking, clean the house from top to bottom, random road trips. It is a vicious cycle, isn't it?

Believe me, I have days where I crave closeness, conversation, affection (I did not say sex, thank you!), and an emotional connection. Heck, all I want is the chance to hold hands with, hug, or cuddle up next to someone on the couch during a movie. And sadly, writing this just makes it worse.

During our discussion, M asked me if I had ever thought I could get married to a woman. In truth, I was once engaged to an incredible girl. I honestly loved her, but in the end I broke off the engagement. No worries, she is living a wonderful life as a college professor in a southern college. She is happy!

In recent years I have also had thoughts of what if I decided to persue a relationship with my best friend, Cal. Cal and I have been best friends since the 6th grade. We have been through an awful lot together over the past 20 years or so. I know our families have pretty much expected we would end up dating and getting married. I won't lie to you...I think we have ALL thought the same thing. Last year, she told me that if I was interested in dating her that she would be open to it. I told her I wasn't ready for that at the moment but I would think about it further. I hated to let her down like that.  I did not want to hurt her. I actually could see us married with kids. I love her family...I refer to her parents as "Mom and Dad." My family loves her too. So the question is why don't I give it a chance? The answer is that I don't know that I can put her through the fact that I am attracted to men. It would destroy her. I love her too much to let that happen.

Am I crazy? Could I not have a marriage with her? I just don't think I could do it! What would happen if I became attracted to a guy while I was married to Cal? Ultimately, I just don't know how our marriage would succeed when there are obvious needs we cannot meet for each other.

I hope I am not offending anyone. I am just thinking outloud for my situation. I know that there are couples who are constantly working through this very situation. I have been reading several blogs from these couples. I am amazed at how they keep their marriages successful. But, in the case of me and Cal, I don't think either of us is strong enough to do that.

So now I am back to square one...do I live a life of solitude, do I persue a relationship with a guy, do I to fall in love with a girl and get married? What am I to do?

The answer is I DON'T KNOW!

Obviously I am just exstin', but I need to take a chance and finally begin livin'!

Thanks for listening. And, I apologize for the length of my past few blogs. Just been on a roll, I guess.

Good night!
- JC

Hiking

My preferred choice of exercise is HIKING.

I am fortunate to live in an area of the country that is very mountainous. There is nothing like going for a hike through the mountains for several hours. That's right, I said HOURS! I enjoy going hiking even more when I am alone. I just have some me time. When I am stressed out and feel I can take no more, I will hop in the car and head straight for the Appalachian Trail.

Because of a knee injury I sustained this year, my hiking trips have become less frequent. When I do go, I don't get to go too far because the knee will start to give out or throb. Dang it, I feel like an old man. Doctors are talking surgery which I am not happy about. I have been fortunate in my life to not have any broken bones or any surgeries. We will see, but I need to get this done ASAP.

Anyway, the real purpose of this post was to show you some pictures I took during one of my hiking excursions through the Appalachian Trail. That day I hiked for well over 3 hours. I lost track of time. You will see why when you look at the pictures.

Can you see why I choose to hike in the Appalachians? The incredible beauty and perfection is awe inspiring.

Makes me want to get in the car and head that way right now. Alas, I have entirely too much work to do before our next quarter begins tomorrow. I will be restricted to walking at one of our city parks for a while today. Maybe I will just head to the gym instead. Oh well!

Have a great day!

- JC

It's All About Making Progress

I wanted to start by saying that I have gotten to email/chat/interact with some new fellow bloggers. Their stories are simply incredible. Several of the blogs I have actually read in their entirety this week...one of the benefits of having 9 days off for fall break.

I know that I can get down at times and complain. We all do it, don't we? After reading a couple of specific blogs, I soon realize that my struggles and issues tend to pale in comparison to my brothers-in-arms.

I also received an email last night from one of the bloggers that I had recently discovered. (You know who you are.) I got a little freaked out when being asked if I actually lived in Tennessee (I do!) and if so, where did I live (I did reveal that in my response). What I did not realize when I was looking on this particular blog was that he was also in Tennessee. I calmed down when he made a point to say that if I did not how "out" I was, so if I wanted to keep my anonimity that would be cool too. That took me a bit to think about it. Discovered that we live in different areas of the state. So, I resonded and tried to introduce myself briefly. I also tried to explain how I found his blog. That took a bit of work. At some point, I may share that too.

Sounds like a really cool possibility for a good friendship. We can all use more of those, right? I know I am being very vague right now. Forgive me for that. Since we have only initially communicated, I am not comfortable linking his blog without approval.

--------------------------------------------------

I mentioned in the previous posts that the death and response to the death of Stephen Gately hit me pretty hard, and quite unexpectedly. Today was the funeral service in Dublin. It was not televised, so no one except the family and friends got to witness it. The song above, "In This Life" was sung by Stephens bandmate and best friend, Ronan Keating, at the request of Stephen's mother.

I have listened to this song several times today and it has just been tugging at the ole heartstrings.

--------------------------------------------------

OKAY, THE REAL REASON FOR THIS UPDATE

Over the week I have had the opportunity to really get into and discover lots in dozens of blogs. This week I became inspired. Having read about several of our bloggers/friends coming out to their families, I decided it was time for me to take another step as well. That bit of courage came yesterday for me.

I decided that it was time to explain to so many of my friends why I have been so distant in the past 2 years or so. I racked my brain deciding what would be the best way to do this. Ultimately, I decided email was going to be my friend today. (Efficiency was also the name of the game!)

I took about and hour or two and constructed this letter. Everything I wanted to say just poured out into that email. Once I finally was satisfied with what I had writted, and did the spell/grammar check, I had to figure out who I was outting myself to today. I did what any self respecting person would do...open my address book and just start choosing.

I skipped all my family members. (I am still working up to that one. Maybe this week.) I chose only two teachers in my school system in whom I have complete faith and trust. Finally, I chose close friends and old college ones as well.

Once all of that was done, and I was ready to send the email...I froze. I paused and began to shake. It was no ordinary tremble. I was shaking vigorously. It was FEAR! I just couldn't hit the button. It took me about 5 minutes of just sitting at my desk and breathing. I finally just said "to heck with it" and pushed "send."

Instead of waiting around the computer all night, I ended up going to dinner at a friend's house. My friend, Susan, is a substitute teacher in our district. She is the absolute best, and we have developed this wonderful friendship over the past few years. Dinner was this incredible marinated and baked chicken over noodles and alfredo sauce. It was wonderful. I spent about 3 hours with Susan and her husband. They have led an incredible life and have traveled the world. He husband was in the pastorate, and did many of his years in Europe, Africa, and South America. Honestly, I enjoyed the adult conversation.

When I got back home I went straight for my computer and my email account. I had a number of responses on there. I later discovered a barrage on my phone, too. I am extremely happy to say that it was all positive comments. I have discovered that I have the best friends anyone could ever have. They kept telling me how much they loved me and will always be there for me. It was exactly what I needed to hear.

I am making my way out of this cramped closet! I still have a few extremely close friends and my family to inform. The friends that I chose not to tell are those that worry me the most. I haven't decided if I am going to do a letter, a phone call, or talk with them in person. Either way it will be hard.

In a big surprise to myself, I am not so worried about my family anymore. Yes, my mother is the exception to the rule. I am sad to say she will probably be the last to know. That saddens me a bit, but I need to figure it all out first.

One last thing, and I promise to stop. Once part of my life that I don't always talk about is my religious beliefs and my relationship with God. It is difficult to admit at times. About two years ago I came to a crossroads where I needed to know how my sexuality and my Christianity would fit together. I prayed every night for God to take this away from me or to help me seek the answers I desperately needed. I was getting no answers, and I became more frustrated. It came to a point where I was yelling at God every night. I was just mad. At some point in all of that yelling, I calmed and just decided to listen. The answers I sought came to me in the form of music. (Music plays a big role in my life.) Once I took in what was being presented to me, I was able to see what God was telling me. I knew I was loved and that He knew me. That was exactly what I needed to know. For the first time in my life, I feel closer to God than I ever had. There is no more hiding.

The reason I bring this up is because this afternoon I was driving through the mountains to look at the foliage changing. Somewhere I was just in awe of what I saw. I decided to just send a quick prayer of thanks for what I was seeing and for just helping me through these rough couple of years. Just then every hair on my body stood up...goosebumps! I knew what it meant.

So today is a very good day for me. I cannot believe how everything progressed, but I feel very fortunate to have so many great people in my corner...that includes all of you who I have met or have yet to meet. Whether you know it or not, you have become my greatest support system in this adventure. Thanks to all of you.

Till next time.

- JC

Congratulations

Congratulations to Jason over at Carwin's Closet.

He made the decision and came out to his parents last night.

Way to go, Jason. I know that takes a lot of courage to tell your parents. We are very proud of you!

Now What???

Fair Warning...This Could Be a Long One (Lots of thoughts running in my mind today!)

ROBIN WILLIAMS

Last night I went to see Robin Williams in his "Weapons of Self-Destruction" tour. Simply put, I laughed for two solid hours, and I don't remember ever stopping to breathe. He is truly a genius. You have to be a genius to be that observant, quick, and witty. No subject to safe.

Being that he came to Tennessee, you can just imagine the comments he was making at the beginning of the show. I cannot remember all of the comments. The funniest ones though were his comments about Dolly Parton, her "natural" assets, and Dollywood.

I have to stop for a second and say that we were most certainly a wild and unruly bunch at times. There was lots of yeehaws and yells going on (Hey, it is Tennessee y'all!)

I won't go into too much of it all. But, I would like to leave you with the best pick up line I have ever heard. (And, please forgive me for any lack of political correctness. It is Robin Williams after all.)

"Are both of you parents retarded?...because baby you sure are special!"

I forgot to mention, being in the second row is incredible. Robin stood right in front of us the entire time, making eye contact with us, and even interacting with us. That was awesome. It was certainly worth what I paid for that ticket!


Update of my new Home

My goal on Wednesday was to get all of my boxes unpacked and everything set up in my house. Well, that did not happen. It just seems that the more I unpack and organize the more boxes that keep appearing. Sounds funny, but it seems to be a never-ending parade of boxes and storage containers.

I am going through all of my clothes at this point. I did not realize I had so much clothing. I ended up with 3 large suitcases, 7 trash bags (all of this was my dirty clothes...life has been busy), and 6 storage containers of clothes. Yes, it is just me in the house. Part of the clothing I am going through I cannot wear. I don't think I have mentioned this in the past, but about three years ago I lost 85 pounds. Obviously NONE of those will come close to fitting me anymore. I had been selling some of it on eBay because a lot of those clothes are Ralph Lauren, Polo, Tommy Hilfiger, etc. At some point I stopped doing that. Now, I am just bagging up all of the clothes that I don't or can't wear and taking them to the local charity. On the other hand, it is leaving me some closet room to put any new clothes in there.


Losing Weight

So here comes a subject that I never like to discuss...weight!

When I was a kid, I was this little skinny pole of a kid. I was an active child. I was fortunate to live in a neighborhood where there were approximately 20 - 30 other kids my age. We were always out playing ball, hide-n-seek (through the neighborhood), swimming in the pool, swimming at the lake, riding our bikes through "the woods", etc. I hardly remember staying inside the house for anything, not even for the rain!

When I was 14, my dad and step-mother told me that we were moving from my childhood home. To put it mildly, I was devastated. I ended up being severely depressed at that point. (Still reeling from my parents' divorce when I was younger didn't help either.) When we moved, we ended up in this house on the outskirts of town. The nearest neighbor was, no joke, a solid mile from my house. We were definitely in the country. I was miserable. I hated it there because I was used to having friends and neighbors. Now, all I had was seclusion.

So, what was left to do besides play Nintendo and eat. We all know what happens when you are inactive and do nothing else but eat, eat, eat...you get big! At some point, I might show you some comparison pictures just to prove the point.

Jump to about 3 or 4 years ago. I started seeing a therapist. It was at the suggestion of my teammate. Evidently I was a giant ball of stress all the time and was not enjoying life. I spent over a year meeting with my therapist (I will call her Teresa). Teresa and I met weekly for the first couple of months, then went bi-weekly, till we were down to once a month for a second year. I was able to work through everything I had kept pent up for years. The biggest topics that were discussed were my parents' divorce, the effect of my grandmother's death, me being a workaholic, not letting people see the "real me", my step-mother driving my dad into bankruptcy, etc.

Once I got to a point of enjoying my life, I made the decision that it was time for me to lose the weight that came with all of this stress and issues. At the time I saw to see my doctor for help/advice, I weighed 333 lbs. (I cannot believe I just admitted that to you all.) I was embarassed and ashamed when I learned that fact. I had never realized how big I had gotten.

The doctor gave me two options. (1) He told me I was a candidate for gastric bypass surgery. Since my health insurance policy has an exclusion policy against any weight loss procedures/medications, which was out. Plus, I don't like the idea of surgery. (2) I could do it the old-fashioned way - WORK FOR IT!

So, I chose to work for it! I began eating healthier. I cut out all drinks that contained any sugar or caffeine. I began a workout routine with a trainer. The trainer was expensive, but it was definitely worth the money!

The result…I lost 85 pounds in a matter of 6 – 7 months. I lost 10 inches on my waist and dropped 3 shirt sizes. I was on cloud 9!

I realize that is a lot of weight in a short amount of time. We were all shocked.

I was finally able to climb stairs without being out of breath. I could run and jog without passing out. I could do so many things that I couldn’t before because of the weight.

The best thing for me was that I was finally able to go shopping at the mall and find clothes in my sizes. I hadn’t done that in years. I became the king of American Eagle, Abercrombie, Old Navy, the Gap, and Banana Republic. My poor credit card was on fire.

The hardest part of it all since that time has been maintaining the weight loss. Like so many before me, I fell off the wagon HARD. I slowly began to gain some of the weight back (50+ pounds of it to be precise). I knew I could not go back to where I was. Thankfully, I have worked all of the regained weight back off and kept it off for about a year now.

Being a math teacher, I could not help but figure up how much weight I have lost in recent years. It came out to approximately 157 pounds. WOW! That’s a Backstreet Boy!

Just after Labor Day, I decided to kick my healthy eating and workout routine back into gear. My goal is to get below the 200 lb mark. I am determined more than ever to reach that goal and stay there.

There are several goals that I have for this year that coincide with the weight loss, or because of it.
(1) Run a 5K, and eventually a 10K
(2) Participate in the 5 Boros Bike Ride in New York City (42 miles long)
(3) Bungee cord jumping
(4) Go sky diving

The question you are probably asking yourself is “What’s the point of this?”

Here’s the point…I need your help and support. I need friends to check in on me from time to time and make sure I am still working toward my goal. I do much better when I am held accountable to someone. I will keep you all posted from time to time to let you know where I stand and the progress I am making.

Then, when I am ready to go sky diving, anyone is welcome to come along for the adventure.

Thanks for listening to this little rant and rave session.
- JC

I APPRECIATE YOU

One thing I try to impress upon my students is that everyone needs and has a desire to feel needed and appreciated. I try very hard to let them all know how much I appreciate them every day. In other words, I try to “walk the walk.”

So, I wanted to take a few moments and just say how much I appreciate all of you who read this blog and may/may not respond. The comments are great, but just knowing you all are out there reading this is enough for me. I have gotten to know some of you over the past few months, and those friendships are just incredible to me.

You have been there with comments and support when I needed it. I hope that I have been there for you as well. I will continue to be there when you need me.

Through this blog I have been able to meet and get to know some truly remarkable individuals. I have definitely learned a lot from you since I began this little adventure.

For those of you who I have not had the chance to meet, feel free to drop me a line on here or by email. (It is on my profile page.)

That’s it…I JUST WANTED TO SAY THANK YOU!


THE EFFECTS OF STEPHEN GATELY’S DEATH

I am not sure why this has gotten to me this week, but this story saddens me.

I was reading an article this morning that asked the question of why Stephen Gately’s death has gotten so much attention. I finally found a reasonable answer.

Stephen Gately is the first member of the Boy Band generation to die unexpectedly. Obviously his death has not made huge headlines here in the United States. His band, Boyzone, was mostly popular in Europe, Asia, etc. From report I read, they sold more than 20 million CDs during their career.

I think what has really gotten me is the reactions to his death. His band mates flew to Spain to visit their departed friend and to support Andy, Stephen’s husband. They flew to Dublin to meet with and offer their condolences to Stephen’s family. Together, the family and the band mates have made all the arrangements for the funeral services and the impending memorial service in London. They then flew back to Spain to be with Andy and to escort Stephen’s body back to Ireland.

What got to me today was the report that said his band mates will be breaking with Irish tradition by keeping a vigil all night with Stephen in the church. Their reason for doing this is “because Stephen never liked to be alone.”

That, my friends, it true love and friendship!

I know that this is a strange topic to be blogging about, but for some reason it has affected me pretty harshly. This was a death that was very unexpected, and I guess it takes me back to the death of a friend of mine several years ago who also died very unexpectedly. I just seem to identify with the pain that Stephen’s friends and family are feeling at the moment.

I promise to not linger on this anymore. I apologize if it brought you down.