Challenges Ahead

For the record, I don't enjoy talking about my emotions! This has been somewhat of a challenge in my life. I have never been one to show a great deal of negative emotion. You would never know I was angry, upset, or downright depressed. I have become a master (or at least I thought so) of hiding my emotions from the world. I don't have the luxury of being depressed, angry, upset, etc...especially when I am at work. I teach 6th graders that need me everyday. I cannot be a source of negativity in their lives. So, I put up walls and shield my emotions.

This all came to a head this week. For the past 6+ months, I have been battling a depression that I cannot seem to get past. It has been a very rough time. I basically have been going to work, staying late each day, and coming home. When I get home, I virtually lock myself in the house and block the outside world. I have felt trapped in this rut. I have felt like a prisoner in my own house. Thus, the depression has been difficult to fight.

I finally decided to go see a doctor for help. I went to a local, and very well respected psychiatrist here in town. We had quite the discussion about present life, work, home life, hobbies, etc. Then we got into family history, childhood, my teenage years, college, and beyond.

At the end of the session the doctor delivered some very interesting thoughts. He said it was obvious that I am ADD/ADHD. My only thought was "NO S#!%." He thinks that my ADD/ADHD can be a contributing factor to my depression.

Then came a blow to my psyche! The doctor seems to think I could have Bipolar II disorder. I was sitting there freaking out in my own head. I have a cousin who has is bipolar. I thought, "I am nothing like her." Then the doctor explained the difference between what my cousin has and the type of bipolar disorder he thinks I have.

We discussed a number of options. He has given me two weeks to do my own research on the disorder and a number of treatment options. I like being able to look everything up and to be part of the decision for treatment.

I left the doctor and went straight to the school to get work done. However, the only problem was that I was in panic mode. I couldn't think of anything else except what the doctor had told me. I just went home and locked myself up for the night. All evening long I was in panic mode. My mind was racing with various scenarios. I could not get settled down.

I had to go to work the next day. That meant I had to put on the brave face, all for the sake of my kids. However, all week long I have had these thoughts in the back of my mind.

Now I am left wondering what to do. The whole idea of medication gives me chills. I have never been one who likes to be medicated. In my mind, it means I cannot take care of myself. It means I have failed on some level to manage my life. However, I am working through those struggles trying to decide what to do.

The simple truth is that I need to get my life back on track. I need to recover and take the world by storm! There is so much more I need to accomplish, and this is an unacceptable roadblock.

For those of you that pray, I sure could use your prayers!

Love you, friends!
Joey

Patrik 1.5

Tonight I decided to look on Netflix for a movie I had yet to see. This movie, Patrik Age 1.5, came across my recommended movies. I looked up the summary of the movie and was instantly intrigued.

You can judge for yourself, but I loved this movie...even if it is in Swedish.