No Voice

Today I woke up to find I had no voice. That's right, I am unable to talk. All that gets out today is lots of hot air and maybe a few squawks. I actually went in to work this morning and had planned a lot of book work and a Greek Mythology video to keep my students moving along. This would be the best way for me to not have to say too much. 


The irony of having no voice is that my students continued to try and carry on conversations with me. It was crazy. 


Well I began to feel dizzy and a migraine followed. I got sent home. I have been laid up on the couch most of the morning and afternoon just trying to recover. 


My meeting with the director has been postponed until I get back to work. Feeling guilty for not being able to meet this afternoon. It is a meeting that needs to happen due to the time sensitive nature of what was to be discussed. Arg! 


Obviously nothing new to report. Just a quiet day at home trying to recover. 


Talk soon. (I hope...)
- JC

My Life as a Leader

It's only Monday and I am already looking forward to Friday.

My life is extremely busy...I think we all know that by now.

I have to attend a school board meeting tonight, which will last about 2 - 3 hours. Tomorrow I have an IEP meeting for one of my gifted children (easy meeting, just necessary), and then I have a meeting with the director of schools at the end of the day. It is an important meeting with him because he (the director) is seeking the approval and support of our local teachers' union. As the president, I have to sign off on a grant proposal being submitted by the district administration. That makes me nervous because I am speaking for all of our teachers, faculty, and staff in the district. I don't want to make a huge mistake. Luckily, I will be bringing along my support team (Vice President, our Lead Negotiator, and the Negotiations Team). I will not sign anything without their approval and the approval of our legal team. It is going to be a long week dealing with this.

To top it all off, I have to spend the next week reviewing and preparing my students for their end of the quarter tests. These tests get reported to the administration and are a reflection on my teaching skills. Let the stress begin!

Hope everyone is well. I have lots to tell you all, but it will have to wait.

I am off to my meeting.

Take care!
- JC

Mi familia

My dad and aunt have asked me to write up a list of things I want for Christmas. Honestly, I feel like a little kids having to do this. As I constantly tell them, I don't really need or want for much. I mean, YES, I would like for them to purchase my next vehicle for me, or maybe a house. But, the little things I don't really need or want. I lead a very comfortable life. 


As Socrates once said "He is richest who is content with the least, for content is the wealth of nature." 


I might be so bold in the future and actually post my Christmas list. However, I do want to share this last thing I wrote on my list...


I want my family to visit me on Christmas Eve and spend the night so we can celebrate Christmas at my house. 


Sounds pretty simple...maybe even a bit self-centered. Perhaps it is, but I have my reasons. Let me explain...


First, ever since I left my Dad's house for college (13 years ago), I have always been summoned home to celebrate Christmas with the family. I happily go, especially now that I have so many nieces and nephews to spoil. We always go to my aunt's home for this part of the family get-together. However, as far as my dad, brother, and sister are concerned, I spend the night at Dad's house. 


Another reason I want my dad, brother, and sister to come to my house is two-fold: (1) I have my house decorated for the season, and (2) I will have a bed to sleep on. 


I am not joking when I mention the bed. After I moved out of my dad's home for college, my room was converted into a storage/work room. I often spent my visits at Dad's on the couch at night. Not the most comfortable place to reside, but it worked. Now my sister has moved back in with my dad and brother. The work room has been converted back into a bedroom for her. Now, I really have no where to sleep except on that couch. The couch that they have now does not lend itself to sleeping across it.


As for the holiday decorations, my Dad and brother no longer put up a Christmas tree. They have not done so for years! I was always the one who took care of that. So, without me there, no one ever took the time to put it up or take it down. They just choose not to have them. I have always found it to be a bit sad not having presents under the tree anymore. It probably explains why I go to such pains putting up multiple trees. I just need to fill that holiday spirit with the decorations out. 


Another reason I want my family to visit me here is so that they can see the house and where I live. My brother has not been to visit me up here in...well...never. I am not joking. I cannot remember one single time he came up here to visit me. He didn't even come to either of my college graduations. He did not come help me move when asked. My sister is the same way. It is sad that they don't know anything about me anymore. I love them, but we are all so different. They simply take no interest in anyone but themselves. The only time I ever get a call from either of them is when they need something.


I want them to come see the house I have before I no longer have it. As many of you know, I have applied for a new job, one that will take me out of this area of the state. I have not gotten the job yet, but I am now at a point in my life where I can see myself leaving this area. So, it stands to reason, I would like for them all to know where I have been for the past 13 years. I would also like some of my friends to meet my family, since they are the ones who hear me talk about them so much. 


Since this may just be my last Christmas here, I don't think it would be an unreasonable request. However, I don't expect it to happen, but I can hope...right? 

(Not my house, but I like it!)

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Something hilarious to share. 

As you know, I am a middle school teacher. This year I find myself teaching science and ancient cultures (social studies). It has been an adjustment, but I am learning to love it. 

This past week my students and I have been discussing ancient Greek philosophers (Socrates, Plato, Aristotle, the Sophists). As part of this discussion we talk about how these philosophers are relevant to our daily lives. You can imagine that most 6th graders would think that the Greek philosophers have nothing to do with our lives. Oh, I love have naive these kids are at times, but they are learning. 

I wanted to show the students some of the quotes of the philosopher I refer to as "The Man in Greek Philosophy"...Socrates. I showed them a quote, and then asked them to relate it to their lives today. There were some great ones that talk about acting the way you want to be seen in society (I threw those in on purpose.). I love the ones that encourage you to constantly explore the world around you. If you would like to see a variety of Socrates' quotes, visit this site.

The quote that got the most reaction from my students is

My advice to you is to get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher. 

My students thought about it for a second, then there was this eruption of laughter and every student turned to look at me. Each had the biggest dumb grin on their faces. Of course, the hands begin to fly in the air to ask a question. I just smile, call on one student, and brace for impact. "So, does that mean you are a philosopher?" 

I tell my students that I choose not to get married, so I must be a philosopher. I said I am constantly thinking about life. I also went on to say "Look out, all this thinking can be dangerous. I am constantly thinking of ways to torture my students." 

You have got to love these kids...no matter how much they drive you crazy some days. 

Wish You Were Here

Today I have been thinking about my family (which I will post about later).

While I was sitting here reliving some of the memories of the past, this song came on the radio. I instantly thought of my grandmother and how much she is missed.

My thoughts then turned to Mandi and her Gramma. So I could not help but post this song and send it out to them. 

The First Winter Snow

Got up this morning and looked out the window. Imagine my surprise when I look out upon everything covered in pure white snow. I love the snow! It reminds me that we are alive. When the snow hits your face or hands, and you get that quick sense of cold, it wakes up the senses. 

Below is my photo album with this morning's winter pictures. Enjoy!

First Winter Snow 12.05.09

Found this new video, and love the music. Wanted to share...sorry for the commercial before it. It was the only way I could post the video. 

Carter Twins   More CMT Music   More CMT Music Videos

Ode to "Los"

Was on Facebook last night talking to my buddy "Los." He is a friend I have met through this blog. Like so many of those around here that I consider my friend, I have never met Los in person. However, we have had some pretty good talks about life: where we each have been, where each of us is in the present, and where our paths may lead us in the future. 


Just a little background on Los. He is 22, lives out in the western states, and has been struggling to figure out his life. He is struggling with SGA. Yes, my Mormon friends, I mean Same Gender Attraction. (Hey, I may not be Mormon, but I can learn some things about LDS.)


Los and I have had some pretty lengthy discussions about his struggle to find his way in life. This guy is extremely hard on himself. I can honestly say I know where he is coming from. Having struggled with this myself for over a decade until I finally decided to face these feeling head-on, I know his pain. We talked about things like why he feels unworthy and evil at times. He also revealed to me during that time that no one in his life knew about his SGA. He was having a really hard time trying to accept these feelings he was having, how to proceed, should he talk with a therapist, should he tell someone close to him in life, etc. 


Well, it had been some days before Thanksgiving that we last talked. I knew he was heading to a friend's house in another state for the holiday. Last night was the first time we had talked since before the holiday week. I was shocked, and pleasantly surprised by the person I was talking with. 


Los proceeded to tell me about the Moho event he went to while on holiday. I am certain he was nervous and scared to go, but he mustered the courage and went. He told me he really had a great time and felt some comfort being able to talk with guys who could relate to his plight. Los proceeded to tell me about a couple of guys who gave him a ride back to where he was staying. He gladly told me about the great conversation they all had. Once on of his new buddies was dropped off, the remaining new friend took Los the rest of the way back to where he was staying. Los lit up when he told me about all of the talks he was having with this particular guy (who I am going to simply call Driver). He and Driver had some pretty interesting discussions about the paths their lives are on. Los even told me about Driver holding his hand until they arrived where Los was staying while on holiday. 


As Los and I continued to talk I sensed this lifting weight on his shoulders to some level. Los told me that he was actually missing Driver. That is a first for Los. As shocked as I was, I asked Los what had brought on all this confidence and newfound courage to face his SGA.


What he told me is a lesson everyone should learn. (paraphrasing here...) He said in order to enjoy life, you must first love yourself. True...true...true! 


Los talked about meeting back up to continue the conversation with Driver. Los is allowing himself to imagine a different path for his life. 


I don't know where Los' path is heading, nor do I have any idea about what decisions he will make. All I know is that I will be here for ya, Los, whenever you need to chat, vent, unload problems, whatever. I am proud of the progress you are making. You inspire me in ways you may never know. 


Thanks to everyone for listening. I needed to share this excitement with someone, and you all are the ones who opened this post. 


Have a great weekend. 
- JC

Innocence - It's So Awesome

Today, as I was picking up my students from their lunch period, several of the girls came running up to tell me something that was "life-and-death" important.

Let me stop for a second and just say that I have taught my students that not every comment they are thinking is always appropriate in class at the time. I am constantly asking my students if their question is "life-or-death" important or "is it appropriate?" If I didn't get them to learn when their comments and questions are appropriate, I might never get through an entire lesson. They are middle schoolers! They have a question or comment for EVERYTHING! Those of you who know me or have read this blog know that I love my kids...even their off-the-wall questions.

Okay, back to the story.

I stop in my tracks to see what all the commotion is about. They stopped to tell me that two of my students are now boyfriend and girlfriend. I will call them Logan and Rachel for anonymity sake.  Of course, being the uber-sarcastic teacher that I am, I have to give the new "couple" a hard time. When each of them would see me coming for them, they would look the other way and refuse to talk to me. Rachel was the worst. She hid behind her best friend because she knew I was told. I loved it, and so did they. These kids love the attention. I smile just thinking about how innocent all these 6th grade "relationships" go. Furthermore, I am interested to see if they will make it to the holiday break in two weeks. Come on...it's 6th grade middle school. I am usually impressed if they make it through the day.

What I loved about the pairing of Rachel and Logan is the fact that they are an "interracial" couple. That's right! Rachel is white and Logan is black. Logan has most of his hair shaved off...cut very short. Rachel is this blonde hair, blue eyed little princess. It really is so innocent. The entire team was buzzing about this new development of the two of them.

I love how this generation tends to see beyond the boundaries that were never crossed in previous generations. There is a sense of "what's the big deal" with this age. I cannot think of any incident in the past 5 or 6 years where there has ever been a derogatory comment made about someone's race, religion, economic status. I know that it may not be the norm in some places. I suppose my school is unique in that we have every possible type of student. We are the only middle school in our system. (Don't be fooled, we have 1200 or more of them running through two floors and 8 hallways. It's a massive school.) Being the only middle school, there is no separation by the zoning of a school system. Everyone is on equal ground here. I believe it allows our kids to learn more about other races, religions, cultures, socio-economic statuses, etc.

It gives me great hope for the future of this world. Someday we just might have a country/world where there is no discrimination, no hate, etc.

I know I am dreaming of an Utopian society, but I can dream...right?

Hope everyone is doing well. Thank goodness I will make it to Friday!
Have a great weekend.

- JC

They Are Definitely Trying...

If I continue having many more days like I had today, there will be NO problem making the decision to leave if offered this new job. Yes, it has gotten quite bad at the school. 

Let me say this first...I love being a teacher. 

There is nothing quite like it in the world. I love being able to make a difference in the life of these awesome children. However, if the administration and some of these parents continue to make my life so miserable, I will quickly accept any job offer that comes along. Yes, I have great hope that I will be offered this new job I have previously posted about. I will know for sure after the board of directors meets to vote on the candidate of their choice. 

I can't tell you how excited I am and how anxious I am to be able to move out of this town to a job that will be a new and different type of challenge. I would also get the opportunity to live my life free of fear and without the need to be so hidden in my life. Plus I would already have two great friends in the area. (You know who you are...) 

If and when I do have to make the decision to leave my students midway through the school year, I know it will be one of the most difficult decisions. As I was talking with my teammate today, she said that you really have to do what is the best interest of you. While I agree with that, I still worry about how my students will be able to adjust to a new teacher. I know they can do it, but I am a consummate worrier. I know that if offered the job I will not hesitate to take it. 

I need a new start. 

I need a job that doesn't involve crazy parents being down my throat. 

I will get to speak for those teachers who I love so much. 

I will get to affect public policies in education. 

Oh, yeah, I am ready to go!

True Colors

Let me start this blog by saying that I had one of my hardest and scariest days yesterday. I hit some sort of funk that I really have a hard time explaining. What made it so bad is that I was actually at a point last night where I was sitting at my desk and my entire body was just shaking. I don't know what was going on with that. All I can say is that it was a low point. I cannot remember feeling that sad in quite a long time...we are talking years ago. 


I want to say THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU to each of you who sent me messages, emails, or just had me in your thoughts yesterday. Your support is something I still have a hard time realizing is out there. 


I have always been the type of person who does not let others in to his emotional psyche, especially when those emotions are in such a dark place. Historically, I have chosen to keep it in as not to burden others around me. On some level I have always thought that if I showed myself being sad or depressed that I would be showing a weaker side of me. I know some of you are going to chew me out for that. I have always been very loyal to my friends. I am accustomed to being the friend that everyone comes to when they need to talk about their problems. It makes me feel wonderful to know that I can be there for them to help by just listening or helping to find a solution/advice. I will be there for any of my friends...without fail! 


On the flip side of this discussion, I have always found it difficult to vent or discuss my issues with my friends. In my mind I am burdening them with my problems. I never feel burdened when my friends come to me, so why do I always feel like I burden them with my problems? There is a quandary there. My wonderful, and very wise friend Lynne made the statement to me today that really made me think about this. She said that, in some way, I was unconsciously devaluing my friends' opinions and demonstrating a lack of trust in them. WOW! I had never thought of it that way before. 


The more I thought about that idea this afternoon the more I understand what she is saying, but that is not the case. In my opinion it is that I don't trust myself. (Paging Dr. Freud!) Yes, I have always suffered from those types of self-esteem issues that sometimes have hindered me from taking some risks in life. 


Okay, so where I am I going to go with this newfound idea? 


First, I am going to apologize to each of you for not putting my faith and trust in you. Please know that it is not intentional. I have to trust myself first, and I am working on that! 


Second, I will make you a promise that I will make every effort to get in touch with my friends when I need support. I am making the pledge to allow myself to show my flaws and to ask for help. 


On that note, I need to send a special THANK YOU to Mikeal and Mandi for getting me to talk last night. You truly have no idea how much I needed someone to talk to, and the two of you swooped in at just the right moment. (It is further proof that God puts you where you are needed at the right time.) I am honored to call you my friends!

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Today was the first day back to work since last Tuesday. (I love the Thanksgiving holiday!) I knew that going back to school would be a challenge because I got no planning done this past week. However, I also knew that seeing my students would help get me out of this funk I have been in the past two days .

I was right. Just being around and interacting with my students brought me out of the funk. I had a blast today. My students are so forgiving of their teachers. They want nothing more than to be around you and to talk with you. Students needs are basic...trust and love. When they have those two things from their teachers their faces light up. Their personalities come out. They are happy. 

I suppose I am like my kids. I need the same things...trust and love. I love and trust my students. I love getting to watch them discover the world around them. I love the fact that I will make a difference in their lives. I love that they want to know more about me and to be around me. I do trust my students to do their absolute best in life. I trust them enough to let them into my life on some levels. They know about my crazy family, some choices I have made in life, my flaws, etc. The know I am not perfect. I trust them enough to let them know it, too. 

It is because of this type of connection we have with each other that I know they will be able to help pull me though the funk. The soared today. From the moment the day began I knew what I was in for with them. The first student into my classroom this morning came to give me a hug and say good morning (nothing more, nothing less). All I could do was smile. Every student I passed in the hallway said "good morning" or "hey." Without knowing it, they were helping raise my spirits. In homebase my students and I were kidding around and catching up on what happened during the break. There was a good amount of laughter before classes officially began. As the first block actually began I was smiling, hyper, crazy...the old me! 

I don't know what it is, but working with these incredible kids is all I ever need to be happy! It is a natural high that you really cannot get anywhere. If it could be bottled up, I would make a fortune selling it on the market. 

Now I find myself looking forward to the rest of the school week. What will happen tomorrow? What new challenges will present themselves? I feel somewhat invincible! It's TEACHER PRIDE! I love it.

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On my way to work, and on my way home today, a song was playing in my car that really summed up everything I was feeling and was needing to hear. 

Okay, I posted two different versions. I actually have both on my iPod, but the only playing today was the version from Glee. (I know, I am such a gLeek.) 

I know this song so well because I play both versions frequently. However, I did not personally take in the true meaning until today. 

You with the sad eyes
don't be discouraged
oh I realize
it's hard to take courage
in a world full of people
you can lose sight of it all
and the darkness inside you
can make you fell so small

But I see your true colors
shining through
I see your true colors
and that's why I love you
so don't be afraid to let them show
your true colors
true colors are beautiful
like a rainbow

Show me a smile then
don't be unhappy, can't remember
when I last saw you laughing
if this world makes you crazy
and you've taken all you can bear
you call me up
because you know I'll be there

And I'll see your true colors
shining through
I see your true colors
and that's why I love you
so don't be afraid to let them show
your true colors
true colors are beautiful
like a rainbow 

The first verse is me. When I feel down or depressed, I often times discourage myself from getting out in the world. So many times I will lock myself into seclusion. Typically that is me just sitting in my house not doing anything for the entire day. I feel like Emily Dickinson...a recluse!  

You, my friends, are the ones who know the real me. I am NOT that recluse. I am usually very hyper and full of life. I am the loving and loyal friend you have always known. However, you also know that I have my dark moments in life too. You know I am not perfect, and neither is my life. You know all sides of me. 

The second verse was me a few years ago. For so many years I chose to ignore the feelings I was having, and I hid them from everyone including myself. I was in denial. I was not truly happy! Since I accepted who I am my friends have often pointed out that I smile more and seem much happier that I have ever been in my life. I still have my days (you saw them this weekend), but I will still tell you that every day is getting better in so many ways. 

For me, like many songs I listen to, the message of this song is clear. I need to allow my friends to be in my life completely...in the good, the bad, and the ugly. I need to allow myself to trust you when you tell me that going to you for help/advice is not being a burden. I need to call, email, video chat, or talk to you face to face. 

So here is my start.

What are the true colors of JC?

-  I am an over-achieving workaholic. 

- When my OCD kicks in, I have to clean or rearrange furniture. 

- I have commitment fears due to all the failed relationships in my family. (Divorce is norm in my family.)

- Among my friends, I am usually the "father figure." I will look out for you.

- I am obsessed with music. It is my escape. 

- I like to be in control of the situation. It is for this reason I hate to ride in a car. I like to be the driver. 

- I can be an adrenaline junkie. Roller coasters, bungee jumping, etc. My next goal is SKY DIVING. 

- My favorite colors are blue, yellow, and even pink. 

  (Ask my students about my variety of pink shirts. Hey, real men wear pink!)

- I typically cannot cry. I have not really cried since 2005. 

- I am tired of not living my life as the "real me."

- I am gay. There, I said it.  

- I love to travel.

- I have never tried smoking. (Thanks Dad!) 

- I have never tried any drugs. (Thanks Again Dad!)

- My favorite genre of movies is dramas or the classic movies. 

- I enjoy reading biographies and autobiographies.

- I have a subscription to People magazine and the Advocate 

- I am a registered member of the Human Rights Campaign

- I LOVE politics

- I am a conservative Democrat (I know, it's an oxymoron)

- I am a reformed Southern Baptist

- I have an addiction to flip-flops and sandals. 

- I hate having my toes confined (see above)

- I am shy, at first, in most social situations. It doesn't take long for me to warm up to everyone. 

- I am a big flirt. 

- I love random road trips.

- Brothers and Sisters is the best show on Sundays. 

- I am a true gLeek. 

- I dream of performing on the theatre stage (plays or musicals)

- I have a rubber duck collection. At last count...almost 100 of them. Don't know why!

- I love country, pop, contemporary christian, gospel, opera, and choral music

- I like to be involved in everything. 

- I am addicted to Indian and Italian style foods

- I don't like most vegetables. (Only like green beans, potatoes, corn, and sometimes spinach.)

- I am addicted to fruit (all types of berries, grapes, citrus fruit, apples, etc, canteloupe, bananas, etc.)

- I tried to be a vegetarian once, but see previous statements to figure out why I lasted one week

- Family is important to me, even if they do drive me crazy. I love them all.

- I love working with youth. DUH!

- I am addicted to Broadway shows

- My favorite musical is RENT

- My favorite play is Death of a Salesman

- If I could have chosen a different career, I would have been a pediatric oncologist

- I suck at opening up to people, but I am working on it

- I believe friendships should be for life, not just the here and now

- Only one person (well, besides God) in my life knows everything about me. That is Dr. J!

- I have NO artistic ability. I can't draw, write stories or poetry, etc. 

- I love mathematics. 

- I used to be very quiet. That all changed during college. 

- I dream of settling down one day and having a family. 

- I have one tattoo. Have had thoughts of getting another one, but I doubt it. 

- I once applied to be on the Real World (MTV) 

- I dream of going back to St. John, USVI

- Again, I promise to get a hold of my friends when I am feeling down. I won't hold it in! 

Wow, this post turned out to be so much longer than I had originally planned. I suppose I had a lot to get out. Thanks to those of you who made it all the way through this. I am not promising that today is a new day. Today is just me waking up a bit more and becoming an adult. This is me just saying THANK YOU for your friendship, your love, and your support.

I will be there for you as so many of you have promised to be there for me. 

Nothing but love.

- JC

Still...

Still in this slump today. Don't know how to explain it. Just feel like locking myself up in my house for the rest of the night (while I am also screaming to get out too).

Sad thing is I am unable to physically cry. I wish I could. It would be a great release.

That's all. Maybe more tomorrow.
- JC

What the Heck is a Travel Tree?

I guess in the haste of writing my last posting I mentioned my Travel Tree. Evidently I forgot to explain what it was. Simply put, the Travel Tree has a collection of ornaments from my travels. I had thought about having my friends pick up ornaments when they travel, but then it wouldn't be as personal or exclusively mine. Each ornament helps me hold on to certain memories from each trip. (I know it is a bit corny and somewhat sappy, but that's me in a nutshell.)

This is a picture of the tree in progress. I decided to put it in the center of my dining room. Since I only recently moved into this house, I don't have a dining room table yet. Plus, this placement allows everyone to view both of my trees from the living room and those passing by my house. Like I said, it was a work in progress at the point of this picture. See below for some of the ornaments on my Travel Tree...

This is from my travels to a wedding in St. John, US Virgin Islands, back in 2006. It is hand-painted and inside the glass ball is some sand and small shells from the island. As I said, one of my best friends got married on the beaches of St. John. I equate St. John to being Heaven on Earth. Such peace and unmatched beauty.

This ornament is from the White House collection that I picked up during one of my trips to DC.

This ornament came from the Biltmore Estate, in Asheville, NC. It is supposed to be a replica of the ornaments used by the Vanderbilt family in 1895. I got this one while touring the house one night during the Candlelight Tours. What an incredible experience to see the house lit by candlelight and all the fireplaces lit. Plus there were instrumentalists and vocalists throughout the house playing/singing holiday music. If you ever get the chance to take the Candlelight Tour, you will not be sorry.

This is another ornament from the Biltmore Estate. We go about once each year. It truly is a sight to behold.

This ornament I picked up in 2002 while visiting New York City. I believe it speaks for itself. If I haven't told you about my experience at Ground Zero during this trip just ask. It left us all in tears.

I picked up this ornament while visiting London in 2006. I bought it at a museum shop at the Tower of London. It is the crest of the Royal Family. I loved London and cannot wait to get back there for a visit.  There are so many memories from this trip. We took 37 high schoolers to England, France, Monaco, and Italy for 3 weeks. My favorite memory from this trip is visiting the Vatican. There is nothing like it. Made me want to be a Catholic...

This ornament is from Harvard University, in Cambridge, Mass. I was there back in 2004 attending the Intercollegiate Men's Choruses national conference. I was the assistant to the Choral Director of our university at the time. I held that position during my graduate work. Truly two of the best years of my life. Everyday was filled with music (men's chorus, women's chorus, The Chorale, etc.), and believe me when I say it was truly some of the best music ever sung by this awesome group.  Best memory from this trip was hearing Miami University (Ohio) Men's Glee Club perform a song titled Ramkali. It was adapted for voices by their director who spent a year in India learning the musical heritage. (See the end of this page for a performance of it. It is incredible.)

I got this ornament during a trip to Philadelphia, PA. I was attending the National Middle School Association's annual conference. I actually picked up two of these. I have one and my mother has the other one. Yep, I am a sap. The best memory from this trip was when one of our principals took us all (7 of us) to go see "Menopause, the Musical." I laughed so hard I thought would pee my pants. My cheeks hurt after that show from laughing so hard.

This ornament is from Charleston, SC. We visited Charleston this past summer. It is steeped in history and beauty. I most enjoyed taking the carriage tour of Old Charleston. The girl who led our tour was extremely knowledgeable and was never dull. I learned so much about Charleston's history, especially during the Revolutionary War. I cannot wait to go back and visit some more.

So there is a brief introduction to my Travel Tree. It is certainly a tree that contains some of my most favorite memories of my life thus far.

I will say that on my traditional tree in the living room I have ornaments that have different memories. It contains ornaments some of my students have given me (one of which I discovered got shattered during the move. It broke my heart because it came from my all-time favorite student and his mother). Most importantly it contains some of the ornaments from my childhood that I confiscated when I went home last year. The oldest ornament on my living room tree is a red glass bulb that belonged to my great-grandparents. When my great-grandmother passed away in 1982 my great-grandfather gave each of his grandchildren (about 30 of them...my dad included) an ornament from his Christmas tree decorations.

With that, I am going to sign off. I hope everyone is having a great day. (Yes, I am over yesterday's slump... life has to go on.)

As promised earlier, below is Miami University Men's Glee Club singing Ramkali. Keep in mind that everything here is A Capella.

Cannot Think of a Title for This...So, Here It Is

Today has been an insane day. I got up late (as in 9 AM...believe me when I say that is late.) I got a shower, got dressed, and then got busy with house chores. 

- Changed the sheets on all the beds. I live alone...why did I change all the sheets? 

- Cleaned the kitchen and the bathroom.

- Rearranged furniture in the living room to make room for the Christmas Tree

- Ran some laundry

- Ran to check the mail

- Checked some email

**Took a short break**

Then it was time to finally focus on getting my Christmas trees up. Yep, I mentioned the plural TREES. I have 4 trees in storage, but I was in no way going to put all of them up. I decided that I would put up two of them: the 7 1/2 foot slim pre-lit tree and my 6 1/2 white tree (known as my "Travel Tree").

I assembled the 7 1/2 foot tree first since it was going in the living room. It is a pre-lit tree, but it takes a considerable amount of time to arrange all 800+ limbs. Finally get it to look right and then plugged it into the wall. To my shock and dismay the entire midsection of  the tree was not lit. I went limb by limb trying to find the problem, but to no avail. So, I had to regroup. Luckily I have another 7 1/2 foot tree, but it is a full sized width...much bigger. It takes longer to put together, but it does completely light up. Actually I like this tree so much better.

I got the ornaments put on the big living room tree and decided to move on to my white tree. When I opened the box, I discovered that the tree was no longer pure white. It is now a darker cream color. I didn't know what to think, but I decided to go ahead and put it up in my dining room. I have 600 blue lights on white wire to put on this tree. Imagine my disgust when 300 of the lights do not work. I knew I had another 400 of them somewhere in the house, but I could not find them. I was left with the task of going out to find these lights. 

Now, finding blue lights on a white wire is harder than one might think. I ended up at Lowes, Target, and Wal-Mart trying to track them down. I finally found them at Wal-Mart. (Ugh!) While I was there I saw a white tree that caught my eye. I ended up buying a new white tree that was, well, WHITE. 

I got home and dismantled the old white tree and the 600 lights I had put on it. I then had to put up this new tree. It took a while. Evidently the new trees have many more branches to arrange, and I mean a lot! Finally got the tree up and decorated. 

In all, I assembled 4 trees throughout the day, dismantled 2, put on 1200 lights on trees, and decorated 2 of them. It took 6 hours from the time I began dealing with the trees today. Good grief! But, I am happy with the results. (Will post pics soon.)

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As I have mentioned before, the way I deal with my emotions is to keep myself so busy that I ignore the emotion in hopes of it subsiding. Hey, old habits die hard! Today was no exception. I spent countless hours today cleaning house, moving furniture, re-alphabetizing my DVD collection (OCD, remember?), and putting up trees. All in all, I was able to avoid my emotions today. 

Now that I have settled down for the night, I find these emotions stirring back up. There is a sadness today I am feeling out of sheer loneliness. I love the fact that I live alone. It definitely has its perks. At the same time, I find myself more and more wishing I had someone to share this 3 bedroom house with at this point in life. 

I was hoping to catch a friend online today to talk, but we constantly seem to miss each other on here. Yes I completely understand that we all lead busy lives, so I am not complaining about that. I just really needed someone to talk to that can identify with this loneliness. Heck, I would just accept being able to talk to help just get over these feelings tonight. 

I love my family, but I cannot talk to them about this. I can't talk to them about how I want to have a relationship and share my life. In fact, I don't really discuss any of this with the fam. They think I am doing just fine, and I am most of the time. 

Now, more than ever, I am ready to get out of this town for good. There really is not much for me here anymore. I have no family here (and I am grateful for that fact). All of my true and closest friends live away from here now. I am somewhere that finds me hiding a portion of my life because I fear intolerance and the repercussions it could bring. 

I want to move somewhere that I can start anew. Live my life as who I really am. I want to start anew so I no longer have to hide. 

I am continually praying for such a change. I pray that the job I have applied for will pan out. I will hear about an interview in about two weeks. The board will vote on a candidate during the first two weeks of January. If all works out, I will be out of here by February. This is the hope I am needing right now to sustain me. 

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I think I will stop here. I don't know where I was going with all of this. I just needed to get that off my chest. 

Perhaps I will hit up a friend to talk about what's been going on in life. 

Hope everyone is doing well. 

- JC

Jason's Exit Strategy...Check It Out

Yeah, I know I am posting several times today. It's been a slow and relaxing day.

Anyway, I want everyone to hop over to Carwin's Closet and read Jason's post titled "Exit Strategy from the Closet." You will be inspired.

Jason is a 17 year old high school senior in the process of coming out to his family, twin brother, all his friends, and ultimately to his school. He possesses so much maturity and wisdom for such a young age. I am just enamored by his strength, courage, and convictions. He is an inspiration to many...including myself.

Best of luck, Jason! We are all standing behind you!

A Little Holiday Cheer

So I have decided to kick off the holiday season with a little music.

Below are some videos and songs from Straight No Chaser. I will be the first to admit that I am addicted to their style of music. What's even more amazing is it's all acapella.

Enjoy!

 

I am Proud to Know Him

Hey, it's the day after Thanksgiving, but I have something new to be thankful for in life.

Today I got the chance to talk with my cousin, Paul. That may not sound like anything spectacular, but believe me when I say that it is rare. Paul is currently serving his second tour of duty in Iraq as a member of the United States Army. I have not seen or really talked with him since some time last year. So getting to talk to him online was an unexpected treat.

Paul and I are only a month apart. I have the advantage of being the older one. I get to be the boss in the family. Right....Paul and I have always been close. We grew up together. I remember going to my first day of kindergarten. In the car behind me was my aunt, uncle, and Paul. We ended up in the same class that year. It was always the two of us growing up. He always seemed like more of a brother to me than a cousin. He was more of a brother than my real brother was at the time.

When we graduated high school, I chose college and Paul chose the Army. I remember some of us taking a road trip to see Paul at the base he was stationed at new Baltimore, Maryland. We had an awesome time touring Washington DC. There were the times we were on Club Dance. Those were the days.

Now Paul is married with 4 kids. While he is serving his second tour in Iraq, his family is stationed at Fort Hood, in TX. They are far from our home in Tennessee.

I am proud to know someone like Paul...someone who is willing to risk his life for his country. He has given so much of his time and life for the United States. He has sacrificed being with his family when called to serve. He has missed the first two years of his new daughter's life. (Well, most of it.)

Now he is sitting in the cold desert and counting down the days until he comes home. His tour is over in January, and he should be back in the USA by the second week of the new year. I know there is going to be a huge celebration when he makes it back home.

So my only purpose for writing this post is to publicly thank him for his many sacrifices and the work he has been doing.

Love ya, cuz!

- JC

Further Proof to Suggest I Must Have Been Adopted

Before I officially begin this post, let me just say that I truly love my family. They have always been there for me and me for them. We have always been a close-knit group. This post is meant as something comical and off-the-wall...well, at least a bit of it!

Today, being Thanksgiving, has been a very busy day. 

I got up this morning and drove to my aunt's home for our family's Thanksgiving dinner. This has been our tradition for as long as I can remember. It ended up being my aunt and uncle, my dad, me, my brother, and my other uncle. This is probably the smallest group that has ever met for Thanksgiving in our family. We have, easily, had three times as many people there before.

My cousin, Paul, is serving in Iraq and his family is stationed in Texas. My other cousin and her kids spent Thanksgiving dinner with their grandmother. So, we were definitely a small group. 

I always love getting to sit down to a dinner with the family. It is an occurrence that is so rare that it makes each dinner together that much more special. 

Once the dinner was finished being prepared, we sat down at the table to say our traditional blessing.  (Let me apologize now if anyone gets offended.) This blessing is one that my grandmother would say at the beginning of every family meal. Since my grandmother's death almost 5 years ago, we say it in honor and rememberance of her.

"Bless the meat, bless the skin, open the mouth and cram 'er in."

Remember, I come from a very deep-south family. This blessing is rather appropriate and representative of my family.

As we began eating, I soon realized that every time we sit down to dinner I discover further proof that I must have been adopted.

For starters, I am nothing like anyone else in my family. I am not a redneck (yes, we have self-proclaimed rednecks in my family). I am not a car mechanic. I know the difference between "far" and "fire" or "tar" and "tire." I graduated high school. Oh, should I go on...

I realize quickly that I am the "black sheep" of my family. Someone recently referred to me as the "white sheep" of the family. I don't see much difference. Anyway, I often relish in the fact that I am different from them. I love them, but I can only take my family in little spurts.

What really took the cake today was the table discussion of passing gas (in its many forms). The discussion continued with recalling how other members of our family relish in their ability to pass gas in whatever form. Then there was a discussion of the lethalness of the gas passed through the years. It was enough to make me stop eating. I actually got so sick that I could not eat the remainder of my dinner. Although, I did recover in time for a bit of dessert.

During the table discussion, I just sat back thinking "I have to have been adopted." I could not see how I was a biological member of this family because I have nothing in common with them nor did I enjoy the table discussion.

In the past, I had a number of times when I dreamt of my life as a part of another family. I would swear to anyone that I was absolutely adopted. I imagined what my parents looked like, what the did for a living, the possibility of other siblings, etc.

Okay, I know I am not adopted. I look a lot like my mother and my father. It is clear! I just sometimes wish I was, so I would have an excuse as to why I am so different.

In other news, I went to the movies after leaving my aunt's house. I ended up seeing New Moon at the new 18-screen theater. I loved  the theater and I loved the movie. It was definitely better than the first one. Although, I don't care for cliffhangers when it is in a movie. It takes too long to wait for the movie to pick back up where the previous left off.

Finally got home after the movie. Started putting up my Christmas trees. (Yes, plural. I have 3 - 5 to put up. I will only put up 3 this year, I think!) I didn't make it past the first tree. It is a 7 1/2 pre-lit tree. For some reason, two of the strands of lights is not working. I am having to go branch by branch to see what is not plugged in or what else could be wrong. It is my newest tree too. It frustrated me to the point that I just stopped and laid down on the couch.

I have NO plans to hit the stores tomorrow morning for Black Friday. I will be doing my shopping from the comfort of my home. That's right...I am shopping online. There are some really terrific deals on the net. Why go through the hassle of running through the store and getting pushed around when I can get the same (or better) deals online? If I do it just right, I might get all of my Christmas shopping done tomorrow.

Finally, I wanted to just say thanks again to everyone I have met during this past year. Your friendships mean more than I could ever say. I hope to continue paying it forward.

Take care all!

- JC

Yes, those were tears...

I am going to hate to admit this...

Tonight I was watching Glee (no, that is not the confession). This episode had some phenominal scenes in it. Since it is too early to get the videos from youtube or anywhere else, I am going to post the songs.

The first song is Imagine. It was originally sung by John Lennon. I have loved this song for years. In this episode of Glee, the Glee kids were watching a group from a school of the deaf perform this song in sign language. Moved by the simplicity of the performance (sign language and one of the deaf kids speaking the lyrics) Mercedes breaks out into song and joins the group. The rest of the Glee kids followed. It led to one of the most incredible moments of the season. I actually had tears in my eyes. In a word...POWERFUL!

The last scene tonight was of the entire Glee club sitting on stools (no theatrics or choreography) singing "True Colors," made famous by Cyndi Lauper. It is another of my favorite songs of all time. What I loved most is that the lead singer in this version was Tina. She has very low self-confidence in the show, and we rarely get to see her shine in song. This was all her. Again, I got tears in my eyes.

I am such a sap!

The Muppets : Bohemian Rhapsody

I have loved the Muppets since I was a little kid. A friend of mine sent this to me, and I wanted to share it!

Are there any other Muppet fans out there?

Remember Me

What Great Aggression Therapy We Had Today

Today has been very chaotic. Being the last day before Thanksgiving break, I cannot tell you how crazy the kids were today. We had to keep them as busy as we possibly could just to keep the kids in trouble. I never really knew the true meaning of the saying "Idle hands are the devils workshop."

For the last two hours of the day, our students took part of the school-wide reward party. They are rewarded for the selling that took place duing fundraiser earlier in the school year. Teachers are sent to supervise the event. The students are playing around on these inflatable slides, bungee racing, obstacle courses, etc. There is also a DJ and some dancing going on too. Fortunately, I did not have time to go dance and show up the kids.

The majority of my time was spent in the boxing and jousting rings! Below are examples of what we did.

I started off in the boxing ring. We went bouncing around the ring throwing "punches." To be totally honest, sometimes the gloves were as big as the student. It was hilarious. I had a blast. The first student I "sparred" with was one of my know-it-all students. He is a fun kid, but sometimes has that I know everything attitude. I knocked him over (or when he fell from losing balance) I pinned him to the floor with the gloves and kept "punching" him. So, it wasn't real boxing, but it was a good time.

The rest of my time was spent in the jousting ring with those blasted pugil sticks. It has been my favorite event during the annual party. There is always a student who wants to challenge me to the joust. Why would I deny my student the chance to hit their teacher? *inset evil laugh and grin here*

What my students don't know is that I have been challenged by about 100 students over the past 6 years, and I have never been defeated...not even against the principal. I get up on the platform, and a crowd begins to gather to see someone take down the teacher. I quickly take out my student, then another enters the ring to be defeated, then another, and another, etc.

What I love most about this day is that it is the one day each year I can hit my student and not get arrested or fired! (kidding) In seriousness, I am not abusive to my kids. They are the ones who choose to be ridiculed! I love my students, and this is a way to work off that aggression. It was awesome.

I am proud to tell you that I was challenged by 15 - 20 kids today and I never lost! What can I say...I am the king of the joust!

When the day and party was over, I realized just how much I was worked up. I was told that my face was as pink as the shirt I was wearing. I was sweating like a pig. Then I realized my back was soaked with sweat. When I leaned against a wall for a second, I got the instant sensation of cold and wetness down my back. YUCK! Today was an awesome cardio workout. My heart was pounding for about 90 minutes. Yes, I was challenged that long! There were actually students still in line to challenge the teacher.

Now, I am officially on Thanksgiving break until next Monday.

I have already begun my holiday shopping online. I spent over $100 on books from Wal-Mart (.com) today because their books were 50 - 70% off. I spent another $200 on DVDs from Amazon.com. They were having a huge Black Friday Now sell. Ended up with the entire seasons of Supernatural, Boston Legal, and Reba, plus a number of other movies I loved. Okay, so the shopping was mainly for me, but it was too good of a deal to pass up.

Hope everyone has an awesome Thanksgiving holiday. Get plenty of rest, eat wonderful amounts of Thanksgiving dinner, and enjoy the time with your families. (I know MNJ is having an especially awesome time with the mother-in-law! Sorry, MH, I couldn't resist the reference.)

Take care!

- JC

One final thought...I found this song from Johnny Cash. It is a song of Thanksgiving, and I can't help but feel the pure love between Johnny and June Carter Cash. I got the chance to meet them several years ago, and they are two of the kindest and down-to-Earth people you could ever meet.

I am Thankful

This Thursday in America we will celebrate Thanksgiving. It is a time when most of us get together with our friends and families for Thanksgiving dinner. It is a time to be thankful for what we have.

In honor of this holiday, I thought I would take a few moments to tell you about all the things for which I am thankful.




Family
I am thankful for the family I call mine. Growing up, I was blessed with a family that loved me, protected me, and would do absolutely anything for me. I always felt safe in my family. We are by no means a perfect family...we surely have our up and downs. The one thing that remains constant is the unconditional love I have come to realize exists in this family.


That unconditional love has been proven this year when I came out to my aunt and my dad. They both have shown nothing but love and acceptance.


There are times when I get frustrated and will complain about my family. I often joke that I can only take my family in small doses (true, totally true!), and that is the reason I moved away from them. I know they will always be here for me when I need them. In return, I am always going to be there for them.


As a teacher I have seen, first hand, the painful and awful lives that some of my students live. They did not choose the life the lead, and my heart aches to think how unsafe/unloved they can be. I wish I could offer them my family, so that they would know what a loving family is.

I am so very thankful for my 9 neices and nephews. They range in age from 1 year to 13 years old. The majority of my neices and nephews are bi-racial. I am thankful for that. The fact that their fathers are black has been a blessing in my family. I come from a very Old South-type family. My grandparents were not necessarily racist, but the prescribed to the old south ideas...that blacks should marry blacks and whites should marry whites. When my neices and nephews came along, my family was force to change their outlooks and beliefs on interracial relationships. Plus, they are absolutely adorable. I love getting to see them and chasing them around the house. I love being Uncle J.




Friends
In an effort to insure I thank those who have made the most of my life, I want to take some time to individually let you know what I want to tell you.


Cal - Cal has been in my life since the 6th grade. Good grief, that is 20 years ago. (feeling old!) We have been at each other's side through everything. Even to this day, we may be miles apart, but we will be there when the other calls.


Jenny - Jenny is another who has been in my life since 6th grade. However, my friendship with Jenny did not flourish until we ended up at the same university. We became, and to this day remain, inseperable. We know so much about each other's lives...probably more than anyone else knows about us. For instance, I know behind that confident doctor exterior is an unsure, scared, indecisive little girl needing someone's hand to hold. I have always been, and will always be there. I love you Dr. J!


Ben - My roommate in college. You were an unexpected surprise and consumate friend throughout. It was awesome to share a dorm with someone who had my views on religion, moral issues, etc. You introduced me and made me part of the family. I was honored to watch you get married a few years back, and now I get to watch you become the father you were always destined to be. Take care of that little boy! Also, tell your mother I miss her. (And tell her I still have the Tennessee jacket she bought me for Christmas that first year!)


Christy - Chris, you and I have been through so much since high school. You have become so much more than a friend. I truly have always felt like your big brother. I have always been there to protect you. I got to see you finally fall in love with Jodi, and I grinned from ear to ear when you asked me to be in your wedding. Now I get to see you finally treated the way you are supposed to be treated...like a goddess!


Paul - Well, Cuz, you and I have been more like brothers than cousins. Being only a month apart in age, we got to grow up together. You were my best friend as a child. You are still a great friend now. Our lives have taken very different paths. You chose to go into the Army instead of college. You have four incredible children and a fantastic wife. I love that I get to be an "uncle" to your kids. I love them like they were my own. You know I will always be there for you and them whenever needed. I am also thankful to know that God will bring you safely home from Iraq in the upcoming weeks. You have been gone for too long, and we all miss you. Also, I can never say thank you enough for all you have done for our country. You are a hero to me and so many others.


Mikey - Though I have only known you a short time, I have spilt many details of my life to you that I have never told anyone. You were the first person to reach out to me in this blogging world. You have become a friend that I continue to confide in, even though we have never met face to face. I look forward to our continued friendship. I promise that when you come to TN, I will give you the tour of DW!


MNJ & MH - The two of you have been a bright light over the past few weeks. Getting to know you both and to meet you (Well, one of you anyway. Look out, I am coming back through there soon. We have to finally get together and go dance!) has been a true blessing and joy. You two are truly unique, and I appreciate your willingness to open up. You have three fantastic kids that are lucky to have the two of you as parents. Please continue to just be yourselves. I look forward to getting to know you all more and having you as friends in my life. And, who knows, you might find a new neighbor in the coming months. You have been warned!


Chris & Camilla - Thank you for sharing your story with me and the rest of the world. I am grateful to know you, and I look forward to continuing to learn more about you.


There are so many more of you that I wish to thank, but I am not finding the words to construct the right way to say thanks! Just know that I am glad to have each of you in my life. I would not be here without each of you...




Being a Teacher
I know I have talked about this before, but I cannot go without saying how thankful I am to have such a wonderful career. There is rarely a day that goes by that I am not working with a student. There isn't a day that I can remember not seeing that light bulb that pops in a child's head when try to solve a problem. Not a day goes by that there is not some student that comes up to hug me and/or to tell me about something that happened to them last night.

I never knew that being a teacher would make me so emotionally connected to my students and their families. I have become, in a sense, a member of some of their families. Some of the parents have become awesome friends of mine. Even a few years after they have left my class, I still get phone calls, emails, and visits from former students just to let me know how they are doing.

Next year will mark the first class of my students that will graduate high school. That's right, my kids are becoming young adults. I hope we have prepared them well for the "real world."

Being a teacher is God's gift to me by allowing me to change the world through my work with these kids.


Freedom
It may be cliche, but I am grateful for the freedoms I enjoy as a citizen of the United States. I relish in the fact I can get in my car and go wherever I may want to go at whatever time I decide. I am blessed to know I can make decisions for myself and for my life. I am able to live my life without fear of persecution for being who I am.

In my class I am constantly discussing freedom with my students. This discussion usually turns towards the freedom of religion and the right to vote. My students and I have discussed at great length the freedom for each and every person in this country to practice whatever religion their believe in and follow. We also disuss the fact the some people do not follow any religion, which is also their right. 

In our recent unit on the Greek democratic system we got into huge discussions about the right to vote. Voting is a right we have to make our voices heard. I live under the idea that if you, as an American citizen, choose not to vote then you have NO right to complain. The beauty of our democratic system is that if you don't like what is happening in our government then you have the right to vote for changes in government.  


Random Things to be Thankful For...

- Rainy days

- Tennessee Vols football (my blood runneth orange!)

- Moravian Cookies

- My restless nature

- Naps

- Goat Cheese (LOVE IT!)

- Indian Foods

- Hiking in the mountains (I know, MNJ, I don't really know what mountains are.)

- The changing of the leaf colors in the mountains.

- Music

Final Note
This post may seem sappy or insane. That is fine with me. But, this has helped me to see that I have a very fortunate life. Sometimes I may think life sucks, but I look at a list like this and I am content once again.

I am also thankful for being able to blog. I have met some truly wonderful people through this opportunity. Each of you has had some effect on my life, and I will always be greatful for that.

Have a wonderful Thanksgiving!
- JC

Job Search Update

Just wanted to write a quick note to share the news on the job hunt thus far.

Today one of my colleagues (and former teammate) stopped me after our faculty meeting to let me know that the company I applied to this past weekend has sent her a letter as a request for a reference.

I was shocked to hear of how sudden and how quick they are moving on my application. The posting for the position does not even close until December 3. I am taking that as a wondeful sign that they are interested. It made my day.

Thought I would share that with you. Thanks to everyone for the words of support.

I wanted to send a special shout out to MNJ and MH. Thanks for sending the messages and sending the plans for life. You two rock!

More news as I learn it myself!
- JC

Oh Happy Day

I am sitting here watching "Sister Act 2 : Back in the Habit." I know it is not a masterpiece of modern cinema...I get that. However, the music in this movie is pretty awesome. Just thought I would share.

Something incredible happens at 2:30.

What Did I Just Do?

Well, I did it!

I just sent in my resume and application for employment outside of the teaching profession. Okay...sort of outside the teaching profession.

I recently caught wind of a job opening in an education company that really has peaked my interest. I have always wanted to get into politics. Specifically, I want to pursue lobbying for education reform. This potential new job would be in that realm. I have given great thought over the past year about leaving teaching but pursuing a job with this particular company. Ironic how a position opened up this year. It is rare!

I am excited, but extremely terrified at the same time.

The idea of starting anew is incredibly exciting, and outside of my little box. Most friends would agree that it is uncharacteristic of me. I am changing.

What terrifies me the most is the idea of starting a new life in a new city. Also, I have become so emotionally attached to my school, my colleagues, and my students and their families. I know I will be an emotional wreck if the time does come for me to leave my job as a teacher.

If I don't get this position, at least this company will know I am interested in working for them. I have been told that there will be a number of positions opening up in the next year.

Who knows what the future is going to bring. One thing is clear, I am choosing to consider a new path for my life. Hopefully the rest of my life will follow along with this change in career.

I will keep you updated.

I am heading home from my weekend teachers' conference in just a few hours. It has been a long weekend, but one full of useful information I cannot wait to take back and put to use.

Let me just say this before I go...THE HOTEL WAS INCREDIBLE! I could live there and want for nothing.

Talk soon!
- JC

Can You Ever Truly Go "Home" Again?

It seems the week is flying by so fast. I am not complaining...not in the slightest. Sometimes I just cannot believe that the time moves faster and faster. What happened to those long dog days of summer when I was a kid? Do you remember those days? They are the ones you think will never end.

I think that this post will be something new for me. I want to tell you a little about my childhood. I don't really know why I am going to do this, but it could be fun.

I am a child of the 80s and 90s.

In 1982, my parents divorced, and my mother moved out of the house. I was only 5. My brother was 3. I remember the months leading up to the divorce to be awful, especially for a 4 or 5 year old. I remember my parents arguing about this or that. They would get loud. I can recall one specific time that they were in the kitchen fighting. I was there, too. They did not know I was there. I was under the kitchen counter hiding in the corner. (It is a spot next to the cabinets which makes it a very hidden area.) I remember just being curled up in the corner listening to them argue. What I remember most is just sitting there crying to myself. I blamed myself for thier fights and their divorce. Before anyone says anything...I know now that it was not my fault, but to a 5 year old it is their fault.

My dad was the one to raise me and my brother. We lived in an incredible subdivision that was picture perfect for any child living there. Our subdivision had 20 houses in it. My house was dead-center of the subdivision. Every other house had a swimming pool. Almost every house had children in it my age. There were, in total, about 30 - 35 children growing up in that subdivision. At the edge of the subdivision we all had access to the lake and an area we called "the woods." I spent so many years there growing up in that neighborhood.

I remember getting married there in 3rd grade. My "wife" (Bridget) was in 5th grade. Yes, an older woman! We even had a house next door to her parents' house. Okay, it was a one-room playhouse that her father had constructed earlier that summer.

I remember playing hide-n-seek on many summer nights. We would all start in my yard, but we would eventually expand it into the entire neighborhood. My favorite spot to hide...in the shadow of this giant pine tree in our yard. I would lay on the ground in the shadow. It was the best because no one ever expected it.

One Christmas, Santa (aka my Dad) brought my brother and I a pair of three-wheel Honda ATVs. (We had a Honda 125 and a Honda 200) They were the best. We rode those for years and years. We eventually carved out numerous riding trails in "the woods." It was the perfect place to ride the three-wheelers. It was out of the way of all the neighbors, and we were left alone just to be kids.

The woods became the neighboorhood children's sanctuary. After we had all the trails cleared and formed, we would spend numerous hours in there just riding bikes, camping, hikings, etc. How fortunate was I to have this area of nature that we all could escape to, and a place for our imaginations to run wild when playing games.

My best friends growing up were my neighbors. We were a tight-knit group. We all spent uncountable hours, days, weeks, months, and years of our lives together. We were all like a big family. If that were the case, then my father was the biggest kid of them all.
  
I mentioned that every other house had a swimming pool. That is 100% accurate. What I failed to mention is that all the kids in the neighborhood ended up in my pool. I guess since my house was the center of the subdivision, it became the community center. If you were ever looking for your children, always call my house first. Dad was probably already feeding us all by grilling hamburgers or hotdogs. At that point, the neighbors would bring tomatoes, lettuce, canteloupe, and watermelon from their garden. The party would begin.

I remember just laying in the middle of the road in the center of the neighborhood on summer nights. Just a bunch of neighborhood kids laying there looking up at the stars and talking about things kids talked about then. (Remember, this was STILL the age on innocence.)  If any of you are wondering if we ever got run over...NO. Cars that would come into our subdivision were always someone we knew, and they knew to look down the hill at the center of the subdivision to see if their son or daughter was lying in the road. There was only one road into the neighborhood, and it was the same road out.

During the school year, we would all meet at the top of the hill (the entrance to the subdivision) every morning and wait for George to bring the school bus to us. George drove bus #20, and we rode that bus with him every year up until high school. We were always the first kids on the bus at 7 in the morning, and we were the last kids to get off the bus at 4:15 in the afternoon. We loved it!

Oh, and do you remember when the original Nintendo came on the market? I do. I begged and begged my dad for the Nintendo. Our neighbor, Keith, had one. He would bring it across the street to our house when he would babysit my brother and I. Super Mario Brothers was THE game. We finally got one for Christmas, and again all the kids would congregate at our house to play.

I grew up with a grandfather who loved to fish. He taught me everything I ever needed to know about fishing. So, as a kid I loved to go fishing. (What southern-bred, American boy didn't like fishing?) Having a subdivision on the edge of the lake provided a prime fishing spot at all times. My friends and I would gather our fishing poles, tackle boxes, etc and head for the lake. We would stop in the woods to dig up worms for bait. We would just sit on the banks and fish for hours...never catching anything more than a blue-gill or a small-mouth bass. We didn't care what we caught. It was just fun being around your friends.

I forgot to mention the fields behind my cousin Melinda's house. She lived just above the subdivision at the top of the hill. Behind her house was acres upon acres of rolling fields. In the spring we would run to the fields and fly the kites. There were no trees, powerlines, or roads to get in our way.

As I look back on my childhood, I think back to how innocent life really was. I guess the old saying is true: "Ignorance is Bliss." Well, we were definitely blissful all the time in our neighborhood. Life was so much simpler then. And, yes, it was the 80s and early 90s.

Like all good things, it had to come to an end. It started with us selling our house and moving out. We needed a bigger house when dad remarried. After we left, others left too. I guess we were the lynchpin in the center of the neighborhood.  It was never the same.

Sometimes, when I am in town visiting my family, I will make a trip to the neighborhood just to see how it has changed and how it has not. The same houses are still there. There is one new house, but it is owned by one of the original neighbors in the "hood." He built his new house in his field, just across the street from his former house. He built it for his wife. Go figure!

Obviously, all of the kids I grew up with have left and live their own lives now. There are a few of the old neighbors still in their houses. I go over to Jim and Linda's house to talk to them, and I will sit in their living room and just stare at my former home across the street.

My former home looks very similar to the way we left it. It is still yellow, maybe a creamier shade (better). The massive pine tree is gone. Was told it fell over one night in a bad thunderstorm. The pool that my dad, my brother, and I put in when we lived there and the fences are still there. The windows have been changed. The garage, once converted into a gameroom, has been returned to a garage. It still looks good.

How funny are the memories that we can hold on to for so many years of our lives. This is my "happy place" when I need to go there in my mind.

Thanks for taking a ride down memory lane with me.

PS. I know that some of this sounds too good to be true. Honestly, this was my life growing up. (Not a fairy tale...a true story!)

The Roller Coster Ride That is My Life

Tonight I have toiled with what to write. Obviously, it has been a roller coaster ride over the past 24 hours.

Today has been a wild one too. Seems that my students decided to consume too much sugar before coming to school today. They were insanely wild. I got the last laugh however by giving a unit test on a Monday. Evil? YES! Needed? YES! Appreciated? Well, by me it was. The students did very well for a unit test. Over 91% of my students passed the test...for my team of students that statistic is unheard of. I guess I am finally getting them to understand.

Once again, my students are able to help me keep my mind off of other thoughts, issues, etc.

At the end of the school day, I went to the classroom of my friend Lynn. Actually, I was summoned. I had shot her an email this morning to tell her about breaking the news to dad. I got down there and we talked about dad (whom she also refers to as "dad"), my weekend, and just life in general.

Our conversation took a very dark turn. I started to talk about how I have been feeling lately. We discussed this journey I seem to be on...the one of discovering me and trying to figure out just who I am.

I told her about my lunch meeting with a fellow blogger on Friday. I told her how great it was to finally be able to talk to someone who has been in my shoes at times. True, we are not located in the same area of the state (3 hours by car), but it is nice to know I am not alone in this blasted state. I know some of you want to know who I had lunch with, but until I clear it with said blogger, I will not post any names. That's just the way I roll.

I let it fly that it has been an incredibly lonely journey at times. I told her that I have times where I feel like I am destined to be alone in this life. For the record, I don't always feel that way, but it comes around some times. I mentioned that I really don't have any close friends in the area that I can identify with and that I can talk to about everything going on in life. I need to clarify. I have a few "friends" around here that know what I am going through, but they are not what I would consider close, good friends.

She and I then got into the discussion of how I feel like I can't come to her (Lynn) anymore. I need to rewind for a second. Lynn and I went to graduate school together. She became one of my best friends. She is a nut, and I love her for it. We did our student teaching in adjoining classrooms, and we now teach at the same school. I have loved having her around. We really were each other's support.

Things have taken a sharp turn in the past few months. Lynn has gotten engaged, and we don't talk as often as we used to do. I know she is focussing on her engagement and impending wedding next summer. I am excited for her and couldn't be happier for her. She needs this. I have made the concious decision to back up a little so she can focus on making her relationship a success. I want her to be truly happy. However, this has come at a cost. I have not had her to talk with about life, and I feel like I have lost a best friend. I told this to Lynn, and she was shocked. She mentioned that I have been MIA for a while. I truly feel like our friendship that once was may never be the same again.

 Lynn came out from behind her desk and was coming to hug me. It was at that point I had to get up and leave the room. The reason for leaving the room...well, I began to lose it. I told her I loved her (she told me the same) and I would talk to her later. I said I just couldn't do this now. I made it to one of the stairwells and actually had a breakdown.

Let's get this straight...I am NOT a crier. I haven't had an actual good cry in over 4 years. Yes, I suppress emotions. But, this time, I couldn't hold on or hold back. All of this just flew out of me. Here I was, crouched over in a corner of the stairwell just crying with everything I had in me. I am very lucky that no one came in the stairwell. See, the smart teacher that I am chose the least used stairs in the entire building.

That didn't last long. I convinced myself to pull it together and get out of the school. I made it back to my classroom just to have a phone message and an email from a parent. I had to deal with that before I would leave. Took care of that little issue and headed for the first floor and the front door.

I made it home and got to the couch. I spent a while there this evening before getting the gumption to get off my lazy but and get moving. I was supposed to go to a PTA meeting tonight (not required...but strongly encouraged by the administration), but I obviously was not up for it.

For the record, I am feeling better at this point. I just thought I would report the latest happenings of the day. Thank you to the overwhelming outpouring of support since yesterday's revelation with my father. I cannot tell you how many comments and emails I received. Each one was awesome in its own right. Thank you to each word of wisdom bestowed. You are all too terrific for words.

I have mentioned in the past, I love music. It is always where I go when I need to get out of a slump. So, here is tonight's installment. I have become addicted to Joss Stone's new CD, called Colour Me Free. If you get a chance, GET IT!

Here is the first single off the CD, titled "Free Me."

Have a great night.
- JC

What the Heck Happened?

Today has been a quite interesting one.

I left Nashville and headed home. I stopped off in my hometown, which is halfway between where I now live and Nashville, to visit with my dad. I only planned on being there for a few minutes. What I didn't plan on was what transpired during my short visit.

To put it simply...I came out to my father today.

It was not something I had planned to do today. It was not planned at all. I only meant to visit my dad to say hello and check up on him. We got into one of my dad's favorite discussions: do what you have to do to be happy. In our conversation my father decided to bring up dating. He made a comment about how my brother has been dating several women (no, not at the same time...sickos!), and how he doesn't know who I have been dating. He kept skirting around the issue. I finally just got tired of it and said "go ahead and ask whatever it is you are wanting to know." It basically went as follows:

Dad : "So, um, are you...?"
Me : "Yes."
Dad : "Really?"
Me : "Yes."
Dad takes a long pause to gather his thoughts.
Dad : "Well, I love you, I support you, and nothing has changed. I am proud of you."

He also proceeded to tell me that he was not ready to meet my "special friend." (His words, not mine.) I guess I put his mind at ease when I said I was not dating anyone.

Not much more was said. I prepared to leave so I could get home at a decent hour.

After I left, I got this horrible feeling in my stomach. All of a sudden I began to have some sort of panic/anxiety attack while driving down the road. I stopped for a moment and texted Mikey. I had to tell someone what had just happened. As usual, Mikey was there with words of support. 

I got back on the road, but I was still feeling anxiety and felt as though I would vomit. Luckily, that did not happen. However, I spent the next 30-45 minutes running through a variety of scenarios and questions. I was scared. I could not believe that I told him. What was I thinking?

Don't get me wrong. I am glad that I was finally able to tell him. I am just a natural worrier. I question everything. Once I am able to process it all, I will calm down.

I know my dad loves me, and he will always be there for me. I just don't know if he will ever be able to understand what I have been going through. Will he ever be able to accept my partner and family (if one or both come along)? Does he just need time? What am I to do?

I think I am rambling in 10,000 different directions. So I think I will stop for the time being.

What a crazy day. I need to go to bed and start over tomorrow.

Hope everyone had a great weekend. Have a fantastic week.

- JC

Tragedy at Fort Hood

Driving home this evening I was listening to my favorite radio station. The DJ commented that they were keeping a close watch on the situation at Fort Hood, TX.

I had no idea what was going on, but it definitely got my attention.

If you have not heard yet, please read here!

My cousin, who I have always considered more like my brother (we are only a month apart in age), is stationed at Fort Hood. He is now deployed to Iraq, but his wife and two of his kids are living on the base. I became a bit shaky thinking about what was going on at the base. There was not a large amount of information on the radio at the time. The only thing that was running through my head is "ARE THEY OKAY?"

I called my Aunt S to ask if she had heard what was going on in TX. She let me know that she had talked with my cousin's wife. D (my cousin's wife) told my Aunt S that she was okay, but they are still on lockdown on the base. She also said that her daughters were at home at the time of the shooting and lockdown. Everyone there in my family is safe.

My cousin was notified, and he was allowed to call from Iraq to make sure everyone was okay. He was obviously shaken, but thankful for their safety.

I was able to quit shaking, but now I find myself glued to CNN watching this story over and over and over!

This is just a horrible tragedy at Fort Hood. My thoughts and prayers go out to all families affected by this shooting.

As my own personal tribute to my cousin and the thousands of remarkable men and women serving in our Armed Forces, I offer the following video. Thank you for all that each and every one of you do to protect our country and our world. You inspire me in ways you may never know. 

And to my cousin/brother...be safe and come home soon. We all miss you!

Looking Ahead...Not Behind

Once again I am amazed by the outpouring of support these past few days. You all know what to say and/or do to really make me feel better.

I am out of the slump from this weekend. I have to say that I did not get any of my work accomplished this weekend. I cannot remember the last time I felt so bad that I did not get any work accomplished. It is very unusual for me.

I got to work on Monday determined to get out of this mood I had been in for a few days. Honestly, it did not take long to get out of that mood. My students came in on Monday with their smiles just dying to tell me about their Halloween experiences. It was at that point I realized I had to be there for my kids, and I have been since that moment. No matter how much my teammates and I complain about some of the days we are having because of a handful of our students, we realize what an amazing group of students we do have. We have made the conscious decision to not let that small handful of issues hinder our wonderment and enjoyment of working with these students. They really can make me smile for no apparent reason.

This week has already been a very busy one. After yesterday's marathon of science classes, I had to attend the school board meeting. I always find it interesting to see how a group of 7 citizens holds everything I do as a teacher in their hands. I will also take a moment to say that they really do have our best interests at heart. I feel very blessed to be working for such a wonderful school system. Even in the times I tell myself I am done, I look back and remember that all will get better.

Today was another insanely busy day. Besides dealing with my duties of teaching, I have to attend special education evaluation meetings of my students. Today was one of those days. We somehow ended up with two evaluation meetings running simultaneously. I went to one of the meetings, and my two teammates went to the other. To make matters worse, I forget about the meeting. I was running around the school getting work done. I was in the office and the secretary looked at me and said I was being hunted down because I was needed in a meeting. I instantly jumped sky high and made a bolt for the elevator to get upsatirs to my meeting (which was on the OTHER END of the building). It all worked out, but I felt like an idiot. No one seemed to care that I was late. What a wonderful group.

The rest of this week looks to be equally busy. I have a faculty meeting on Wednesday afternoon, supervising after-school detention, City Commission meetings, and a few other meetings I am sure I am forgetting. All of this has to be accomplished before Friday afternoon.

I am excited for Friday afternoon. I am heading out of town to attend a state council meeting for one of the organizations for which I have another leadership role. The reason I am excited? I get to work with the absolute best high schoolers in the state. Most of the state council consists of these top high school students. Not only are they top in their classes, they are also some of the most polite, sarcastic, and all-around fun people to hang out with. There...I said it. I enjoy hanging out and working with high school students. Never thought I would say that.

I will be away all weekend. I have to take a partial day on Friday just so I can make the 5 hour drive to the meeting place for the weekend. It is well worth it. I will be away ALL WEEKEND. That will be a great time for me to relax and not worry about school for that time. I will just be having a blast while working to plan these giant state events we host every year. I cannot wait to get in there and get these events underway. (I must be sick. I am excited about more work. I LOVE IT!)

The drive is a pretty nice one. I will actually pass through my hometown, but I doubt I will stop. If my dad's not in town I don't see the point. I may stop in on Sunday to visit my grandmother's grave. This is something I try to do every time I am passing through. I miss her more than I care to say. Thinking about her seems to be the only thing that will cause me to cry a bit. I am posting a picture of her and my grandfather.

This picture was taken in the mid-1980s.

This brings me to my last note of the evening. My friend, Aaron, wrote the most incredible tribute to his late friend, Bryan, on the 7th anniversary of his passing. As I sat reading it my heart was pounding while learning of what happened to his best friend. Aaron described it as also dying the day his friend passed. I whole-heartedly can identify with that sentiment. A part of me died the same day as my grandmother's passing.

I want to thank Aaron for sharing such an incredibly moving and poignant tribute to a friendship that lasts beyond life and death. I hope that everyone is as lucky to have someone in their life that means as much as Aaron's best friend.

The lesson Aaron was sharing with us is that after Bryan's death he found a new sense of self and a will to live each day to the fullest. It is a lesson we all should look to and take in to our hearts. So I will choose to look forward, hoping that I will live each day as if it were the last one. As Aaron so eloquently stated:

I vow that I will not arrive on my death bed in “one piece”. Seeing myself in a death bed has taught me to live. I guess Morrie Schwartz was right when he said, “you don’t learn to live until you learn to die”. Everyday, I tell myself that I am more alive than ever, I am capable and I will surf every wave, reach every dreams and fight for everything I deem important. At the end, I want to lie in my death bed saying, “Boy, what a ride!” 

Hope everyone is well and in a happy place!

- JC

Before I go, I just downloaded these songs from iTunes and can't seem to stop listening to it. Enjoy!

What to Call This Post??? No idea!

Today has been a pretty rough day, I think.

I have tried to get work done several times today, but all I have felt like doing is sleeping. So, I have slept much of the day away. Now it is almost 7 PM, and I don't have anything prepared for my classes this week. As soon as I am done here I will be on to doing that I suppose.

I have been following Lonely Boy's blog for the past little bit. Over the past week he had threatened to end his life. I found myself sending comments and emails to him trying to help him out. He later posted a message thanking everyone for their support, but then he went a bit further. He said that what he really needed was a friendship that was tangible. At the time I told him I understood where he was coming from with the statement, and I did not ponder anymore on that.

Well, today it has really hit me. What he was asking for was someone he could reach out to personally. I completely understand and identify with that. I have been so extremely blessed to find a number of people on here to talk with, and I consider some of them to be more of a friend than a passing acquaintance in the blog world. However, I think I too am missing that tangible portion of friendship.

This is going to sound sappy, but I am going to go there anyway. The one thing I need more than anything is to hug and be hugged in return. When I was a kid, it was the comfort and safety of lying on my grandmother's lap as she ran her fingernails through my hair. Through my teenage and collegiate years I had tons of friends who would always hug each other. Yes, we were huggers. Not ashamed to say it.

Hugging is just a simple act of letting someone know you care about them. There is a sense of safety in a hug. There is that sense of being loved and appreciated in a hug. A simple hug will bring a smile to someone's face. It's powers cannot be denied.

That is the part of being alone that I hate more than anything...that tactile part of a relationship. Just hugging, holding someone's hand, or just wrapped in someone's arms as you sit watching a movie at home. It is just the little things I am missing today.

I hit the breaking point today. I was just pacing the floors...back and forth, back and forth. I finally had to put on some music on my home office computer, turn off all the lights, and then I hit the floor. I just balled up as I sat on the floor. My heart was hurting in a way it has not in a very long time. I just had to sit there, rocking away, listening to the words of the songs I put on. I will admit to you that the songs were contemporary Christian songs that typically give me chills and help me when I need it. I was crying out for help. The sad part of this is that I felt the need to physically cry, but I could not shed more than a tear. That more than anything is bothering me. What can't I cry when I need it? Ahhhh!

For those of you that will read this and worry, I want you to know that I am doing okay. I am not going to say that I am feeling 100% better, but I am also not rocking on the floor.

I have decided that I just need to get out of this house this week and find some support. A friend of mine has been inviting me to a weekly support group for LGBT college students and young adults. I have resisted going for so long now. I think I just need to get out there and meet people who can identify with me. I also need to let my friends here know what is going on with me. I need them to understand I need them right now.

Not quite sure where I wanted to go with this email tonight. Just wanted to unload a little.

I promise to be more upbeat in the future postings. I swear I am usually an optimist.

Also, pardon all the pictures. Just wanted to add them for effect, I guess.

I hope everyone is doing well and has a great week.
- JC

October Theme: Where am I?

I had seen this on Evan's blog, and had thought about taking part in this questionnaire. However, I kept putting it off because I didn't know if I wanted to get into something that deep. Alas, I decided to go ahead and complete it.

Let me go ahead and apologize now for some of the repeating statements that may have appeared in past postings. You never know.

Here goes nothing...

How did you get where you are today?

My story is not unlike others that I have read or heard about.

Let me begin with a bit of my background. I grew up in a small town of only 5000 people. I grew up in a very conservative, deep-rooted southern, and southern baptist home. I was raised to not drink, do drugs, or curse. I grew up with a very loving and supportive family. I really could do nothing to get into trouble because everyone knew my entire family. We used to run the town. (Mayor, city council, city manager, chief of police, county commissions, principals, school boards, etc.) Some would say I led a very sheltered life. I would have to agree with that.

I don't recall having any curiosity or attractions to other guys in middle or high school. I do remember being interested in the differences in body types, but nothing really more than that.

I really began to notice my attraction to other guys when I went away to college. At the time I did not know exactly what was going on with me. I was dating girls, but would never want to take it too far. So none of those relationships would last. I kept going back to being attracted to guys. I was scared to death at that revelation. I was always taught that it was wrong and that I would go to Hell. So, I made the choice to push these feelings back and throw myself into school works, volunteer work, and my job. The idea was to be so busy that I wouldn't have time to face these feelings.

This worked for a number of years.

Fast forward to about three years ago. I hit 29 and had still not dealt with all these feelings I had hidden for so long. At that point I decided to take the time to deal with whatever was going on with me. I went to prayer, and more prayer, and even more prayer. I would pray for understanding. Later I would pray for God to take these feelings away from me. Most of the time I would be praying and crying at the same time. I was so confused, angry, depressed. The more I prayed, the madder I got. I ended up yelling at the top of my lungs demanding that God give me some answer or sign.

Some time after that I got quiet and just sat there. Then I heard just one word...LISTEN. So I shut up, sat down, and just listened. What did I hear, well it ended up being music.This was the perfect way to get to me. I love music. It is a daily piece of my life. I ended up hearing music from a musical called Bare : A Rock Opera. The other music I heard was from a composer called Scott Alan. I have included the two songs that struck me below:

As I sat and listened to the words in these songs, I was just in tears. It was unstoppable. I new that these songs were sent to me. It was at that point I knew that God loved me for who I am in this life. It was all I needed for me to be okay...with myself.

I lived my 29th year of life trying to figure out just who I was. I knew about and had accepted my attraction to guys. I didn't know how to handle these feelings and where I could go for help. So, I seemingly weithdrew and went back into my crazy work schedule so I would not need to deal with any of this.

My 30th birthday came and passed. It was just before my 31st birthday (while I was still 30, thank you!) I finally decided it was time for me to live my life. I decided to come out to a friend of mine. I will just call her A. A and I went as far back as high school, and now she was here in my school's town. I took A to lunch and finally just let it all fly. A say there with this big goofy grin on her face telling me that she suspected and was that she loved me for who I am. She just wanted me to be happy. We talked for another hour or so.

From that point on, I decided to tell my other closest friends. I next told my friend and teaching colleague, L. L and I went through our master's program together and really hit it off as friends. She was the next person I told. Again, just another goofy grin and statements of love and support. I was on cloud 9.

The next time I came out to someone was my best friend, Jen. Jen and I went all the way back to 6th grade. She was like my sister. I always felt the need to protect her. Our friendship grew during college, and I would give my life for this girl. I love her that much. I decided I would tell her while we were out of town at a friend's wedding. I tried to tell her the entire weekend, and could not do it. I finally broke down and told her at the breakfast on our last day at the wedding. Again, another goofy grin, love and support, and the hug I needed more than anything.

From there, a select number of friends have been told. I have also told my favorite woman in the whole-wide world...my Aunt S. I was so scared to tell her, but I finally blurted it out on the phone one evening. She was very inquisitive, but told me she loved me now the same as she did five minutes before. I made her promise not to tell my dad just yet. I wanted to be the one to do that.

Now, here I am...out to some, hidden in the closet to others. Just trying to live my life day by day and being the best me I can be.

Are you happy with where your are? Why or why not?

I guess the best answer would be yes and no.

Yes, I am happy that I was finally able to accept who I am.

I am happy that I have told some of my closet friends and some family.

I am not happy that I feel the need to hide who I am because of the close-mindedness of others.

I am not happy that I live in fear of losing my job because of a parent who would demand their kids be removed from the "gay teacher's class."

I am happy that I am continuing to garner strength to be who I an, and not being ashamed of it.


Where do you see yourself in the future?

Where I will be in the future is something I cannot wait to see and find out. I don't know if I will still be teaching. I am hoping that I can get a position working with the union to fight for the rights and freedoms of teachers and students. I would love to be serving as a lobbyist in Washington, DC trying to convince congressmen on the rights and responsibililties of ALL teachers. I would also love to do some civil rights work with the LGBT teaching community.

I am hoping that I will be fully out to whomever will ask me. I won't be around promoting the fact that I am attracted to guys, but I hope that I will not hiding who I am anymore.



What roadblocks do you have/have overcome?

My biggest roadblock I can foresee is FEAR. I have such great fear. Fear for my job, fear for my rights to adopt, fear for losing my friends and family.

Another roadblock for me would be a fear of change. I want so much to move to a city that is much more accepting of all types of people. However, I would have moved several years ago if I wasn't so scared to make the move.




What advice do you have for others following a similar path that you have?

My advice would be to take the time to discover who you are. I also think it is important to not beat up on yourself. I know I am guilty of that one. I spent so much time in depression and self-hate that the damage could have been irreversible. I was lucky that I was able to talk with a therapist. It made all the difference in the world.

My other advice is face your feelings, no matter how scary. Don't push them back and surrpress them.

Finally, don't be scared to tell your friends and family. I still fear telling certain people because I don't know what their reactions will be or if I will lose their friendship. If they can't accept and love you for who you are, it will be their loss.


What advice do you have for friends and family?

My advice to friends and family is to take the time to talk with your person in question. No doubt you will have questions, and so will they. Take the time to discuss any questions or concenr

Communication is the key!

Also, make sure the person telling you their feelings know that they are loved. Don't be someone who says "I love you but I don't have to support you." That in itself would be worse that disowning your kids.

Ultimately, just show the love.

Into the Wild

Insomnia kicked in this evening, so I have been awake since 3 AM. Who knows why? I certainly have no idea. Oh well...life goes on.

Since I was awake, I decided to see what movies were playing. I came across a movie called "Into the Wild." The trailer is below:



The movie was written and directed by Sean Penn. You may not like or always agree with the man, but you cannot deny the awesomeness of his recent works.

"Into the Wild" is based on the life of Christopher McCandless (played by Emile Hirsch), a 1990 graduate of Emory University. After graduating, McCandless gave his entire savings to Oxfam and set out on a trek for the wilderness of Alaska. What ensued was an adventure that took his across the United States, into Mexico, and ultimately to Alaska. The people he meets along the way are a incredibly diverse cast of characters whose lives are touched by McCandless' story.

I don't want to give too much away about the movie. I will say that it is an emotional roller coaster of an adventure. I could not help but be sucked into this movie and the life of Chris. I found myself wanting to reach out and help him.

On of the highlights of this movie was the friendship between McCandless and "Ronald Franz," played by the Academy Award nominee Hal Holbrook. It becomes one of a grandson to a grandfather.

Okay, I will not go any further except to say SEE THIS MOVIE!

If anyone else has seen it, I want to hear your opinion of the movie.

Later!

My 50th Post (My 50 Wishes)

I cannot believe that I have been on this thing long enough to have a 50th post. I never thought I had enough material in my head to make 50 postings.

To celebrate I thought I would try something different. I want to post 50 things I wish for in this life.

1.  I wish for all my students to be successful in their lives.
2.  I wish to find someone to fulfill my life in ways I could never imagine.
3.  I wish I had the nerve to audition for the theatre.
4.  I wish I could visit Rome and the Vatican again.

5.  I wish to someday have kids of my own.
6.  I wish to keep the hair on my head (and keep it from going grey would be a bonus, too).
7.  I wish I had some sort of artistic ability.
8.  I wish to meet musical composer Scott Alan. (I have never heard music with such passion behind it.)

(Starts at 0:40)

9.  I wish I knew what the future held for me.
10.  I wish that my friends and family can find peace in their lives.
11.  I wish my father would finally marry his long-time girlfriend. She is awesome.
12.  I wish I could better express my feeling to my friends and family instead of hiding them.
13.  I wish I could have been a pediatric oncologist.
14.  I wish scientists could find cures for AIDS, cancer, alzheimers, and the common cold.
15.  I wish I had an apartment in downtown Manhattan.
16.  I wish that I didn't have such commitment issues.
17.  I wish I could play the piano.
18.  I wish I could paint like Van Gogh.

19.  I wish my sister would get her GED and get her life on track.
20.  I wish I could just hop on a plane and see the world.
21.  I wish I had the winning ticket for the Mega-Millions jackpot.
22.  I wish I could figure out my career path. Where am I being led?
23.  I wish that I could get tickets to see Josh Groban in concert. (truly incredible)
24.  I often wish I could have had the relationship with my mother that my friends have had with theirs.
25.  I wish my grandmother was still alive. I miss her all the time.
26.  I wish that the University of Tennessee Vols will come back to the glory they deserve!

27.  I wish my good friend L could find a job and, at last, happiness again.
28.  I wish my closest friends didn't live so far away.
29.  I wish I could have stayed in college forever.
30.  I wish parents would quit making excuses, and instead work to help their child succeed.
31.  I wish I could have known Benazir Bhutto.

32.  I wish I could perform in a musical like Rent, Spring Awakening, Bare, etc.
33.  I wish to someday be a public official in our government. (governor or senator????)
34.  I wish I could make a decision on a car to purchase.

35.  I wish to see, camp in, and hike through the Grand Canyon.
36.  I wish the voices in my head would all make the same decision.
37.  I wish I wasn't so self-conscious.
38.  I wish that I didn't have to teach my students to be test-takers all the time instead of free-thinkers.
39.  I wish I could walk the entire Appalachian Trail someday.

40.  I wish to lose the rest of the weight I have worked so hard to get off of me.
41.  I wish I could sit down to dinner with Franklin & Eleanor Roosevelt, Ben Franklin, and Ghandi.
42.  I wish I could spare all my students the pain they may feel as a child.
43.  I wish teachers would get paid more like professional athletes. (We deserve it, dang it!)
44.  I wish to run a 1/2 marathon by this time next year.
45.  I wish we all could just get along.
46.  I wish I had more nerve to get up and sing in front of a crowd.
47.  I wish I didn't feel the need to hide my true identity on this blog
48.  I wish I could mend a couple of the friendships I have lost over the years.
49.  I wish I had all the answers.
50.  I think Rascal Flatts said it best in the video below!

Whew, this took me a long while to complete. Who knew that trying to list 50 wishes would take such effort?

Anyhow, I want to thank each and every one of you for reading (what often times seems like) my crazy thoughts, for your support, and ultimately for your friendship. If I could truly express what the friendships mean to me... Thank you for your willingness to accompany me through my journey. I will hopefully be able to repay it all back and to pay it forward.

Here's to whatever the future holds for all of us.

- JC

You Are Free

You are free.

You are free before the noon day sun
You are free before the moon
And you are free before the stars.

You are free where there is no sun
Where there's no moon
And where there isn't a single star in the sky

And you are a slave.

You are a slave to the one you love
Because you love him.

And you are a slave to the one you love
Because he loves you back.

There's Always a Way

I will admit it...I am a Grey's Anatomy junkie. I cannot get enough of it. I don't know if it because some of the characters remind me so much of my collegiate friends, a number of which as physicians. I am reminded of the craziness of my friends by watching the show. Moving on...

I was watching tonight's episode. Derek was preparing for surgery to remove a tumor wrapped in the spinal cord. As he was talking with his patient, this is what he was told...

There is always a way.


When things look like there's no way
There's a way.

To do the impossible
To survive the un-survivable
There's always a way.


And you...
You and I have this in common.
We're inspired.
In the face of the impossible,
We're inspired.


So today, if you become frightened,
Instead, become inspired.


This outlook on life is something I long for and need to remember. There is always a way! No matter how difficult and hopeless times in our life may become, we have to remember that there is a way to overcome and thrive. At times, life may feel impossible to go through. We must remember that we can make it through. We must "become inspired" to find the path and push forward.

Yes, I am feeling exceptionally inspired today. Life will get better if we choose it to do so. I choose to find the way to make this life what I long to have. I can do it. "There's always a way!"

Have a fantastic weekend to each of you.
Hope to talk to you soon.
- JC

All Good (and a teaser, too)

I am sorry to say this will be a short post. I am on a break before I have to get into another meeting. Honestly, I have been swamped and overwhelmed by the number of meetings in the past week. I don't think I have enough fingers to count how many meetings are on my calendar for this week. How did this happen??? Well, it can get this hectic when I am balancing a number of responsibilities that require my attention. Just have to hold on, shrug the shoulders, and move on in life.

So I just wanted to take a few moments to say how much I appreciate all of the support you all have given me in the past 24 hours. I really did not expect that. I was just trying to release some steam so I would not get down. I know that I may feel like there is no one around, but I also know that a number of you made the point I am not alone very clear! I am working on getting back to each of you. It may take me a few days given my insane schedule of activities.

Today has been a crazy, but fun day. The kiddies in class were wild but a lot of fun. I love that they are finally becoming inquisitive about the world around them. They are asking so many questions that I sometimes don't make it through the lessons. It is okay, but I have to watch and keep myself on schedule. I cannot afford to get too far behind my plans. Again, I realize how fortunate to have such a fantastic career of working with our future.

In true JC form, I wanted to post a video that made me roll on the floor laughing today. It is a video of Straight No Chaser singing "The Christmas Can Can." Yes, I know that Christmas is still two months away, but these guys truly have a talent like no other. Even if you don't like accapella music, you cannot deny the awesomeness of SNC!

I have to say that I also posted this to tease MJ

I will give you a call after my meeting to help with your tech issue. 

Alone

Disclaimer: 
There are just times where I feel a bit down and need to get it out of my system. This is one of those postings. Please know that I am okay, just feeling a little lonely and need to express it. This, too, shall pass!

Alone
by : Linda Stufflebeam

I am so alone
You can see the loneliness in my eyes
Loneliness is my only friend
Loneliness is my only true love
Being alone is my heart
But being alone is just being alone.

Loneliness is just being one person
and only one person.
You can't really love anyone
if you are alone.
Your heart does not like
to be alone.

You need to be with someone
and not alone.
Being alone can make you
sad and unhappy.
Being alone can hurt you
and make you cry
if you don't have someone to love.

So don't be alone if you can help it.
Being alone is really no fun at all.

Alone

by : Maya Angelou

Lying, thinking

Last night

How to find my soul a home

Where water is not thirsty

And bread loaf is not stone

I came up with one thing

And I don't believe I'm wrong

That nobody,

But nobody

Can make it out here alone.

Alone, all alone

Nobody, but nodoby

Can make it out here alone.

There are some millionaires

With money they can't use

Their wives run 'round like banshees

Their children sing the blues

They've got expensive doctors

To cure their hearts of stone.

But nobody,

No, nobody

Can make it our here alone.

Alone, all alone

Nobody, but nobody

Can make it out here alone.

Now if you listen closely

I'll tell you what I know

Storm clouds are gathering

The wind is gonna blow

The race of man is suffering

And I can hear the moan,

'Cause nobody,

But nobody

Can make it out here alone.

Alone, all alone

Nobody, but nobody

Can make it out here alone.

Time for a Confessional

As I am writing this, I cannot believe what I am about to tell you. I am sitting here laughing as hard as I can as I get ready to make this confession. Are you ready? Here I go?

I love to dance.

There, I said it! I am not just talking about any dancing...I am talking country/western dancing. Here is the story.

When I was a kid, my dad and all his friends would take country dancing lessons from this couple that owned a dance studio. Honestly, it was something for them to all do together during the week and then go out on the weekends and put their newfound skills to the test.

All of my dad's friends had kids my age. Most of them would go into the other room and watch whatever was on the television while our parents took these dance lessons. That didn't interest me at the time. I wanted to learn how to dance like everyone else was doing. So I was the lone kid in the crowd. I learned how to do the 2-step, waltz, east-coast swing, west-coast swing, cha-cha, etc. I actually became fairly good at the dances. My dad and his friends would head out on a Friday and/or Saturday nights to go dancing. I was happy to go with them. Well, you can imagine that I was out there dancing all night long with all these women who were older than me. I was the novelty...a kid who knew all the dances and knew how to lead. We would be out till after midnight most times just dancing then going out for breakfast. It was awesome for a kid. Heck, it sounds like fun now...let's go.

Before you decide to stop reading, there's more. Oh, it get's even better.

Fast forward to my junior and senior year of high school. I was out every weekend dancing wherever the music was at the time. Country dancing was the "in" thing to be doing. One of my friends in high school invited me to go dancing with her one Friday night. She told me to be sure to bring an extra pair of clothes to change into for more dancing. I did not quite understand, but I went anyway. Little did I know about the world I was about to enter.

We get to this television production studio and enter a door below an awning that said the "White Horse Cafe." I had heard of this place before, but I did not realize what I was just about to walk in to at the time. Turns out that the White Horse Cafe is the place where the television show "Club Dance" took place. That's right, I was about to dance on television. I was freaking out, but excited by the idea.

For those of you who have never heard of this show, Club Dance was a dancing show on The Nashville Network from 1991 - 1999. The Nashville Network (TNN) is now Spike TV. People would tune in every weekday to watch us dance around the floor for an hour. It was hosted by Shelly and Phil...two characters in their own right. We ended up taping over 2000 episodes during its run. We would tape three shows on Friday evenings and two shows on Saturday morning. I was on the show from 1994 - 1997. I got to be on the show more than 100 times, which meant I was considered a "regular."

This show was a blast to be a part of. The atmosphere was one of just sheer fun. Everyone was there to have a good time, listen to some country music, and DANCE. There were some crazy characters on the show. I will keep their names off of here for their own good. I got to go to a couple weddings of some of the couples who met on the show. Good friends and good memories.

Well, there you have it...my confessional for the day. I don't know why I thought about sharing this, but I thought I would just give you something to make you laugh a bit. Below you will find a couple videos that I found from the show on Youtube. They are not the highest quality videos, but you get an idea. I may or may not be in these particular videos. Although, I do have tapes of the shows I am in because my dad constantly taped the show. He was a proud papa!

Hope everyone is going well and is happy!
- JC

Perplexed...That's Me!

Let me just start off by saying that I am glad to see the weekend finally get here. It has truly been a week I won't soon forget.

As the title of this posts states, I am perplexed. I am at several crossroads in life, and I have to make decisions as to what my actions will be.

I recently got a phone call from a local company offering me a job that I applied for before I became a teacher. While I can't be specific with what the job is (again, anonimity) I will say that it is still in the education field. It's just not an official teaching position.

Normally, I would say no to taking this job. They have been asking me what it would take for me to even consider taking the job. I flat out told them that they would have to match my salary. Sadly, the position they want to hire me for starts off at almost $10,000 less than I make now. Knowing that, I pretty much figured there is no way they are going to come back with an offer.

I was wrong! I got a phone call last week asking if making just $1000 less would be acceptable. Seems they have been figuring their budgets and supplemental options that would get me to my current salary, or even just $1000 less. The fact that they have been working so hard to figure out if they could match my salary says tons. They are seriously wanting me and only me for this position.

This leaves me not knowing what to do. I have tons of questions I am asking myself to try to figure this out.


Do I stay in my current role as a teacher? 

I love being a teacher. From the first day I stepped foot into the classroom, I knew that I had found my calling in life. I was meant to teach students. I was meant to be a mentor, role model, counselor, etc. I have even set goals of one day being the principal of a middle school, and someday I would become a director of a school system.

As a teacher, I truly believe that I have affected the lives of my students and their families. I know this to be a fact because I have parents and students that come back to visit me, send me updates on email, and even call me at home. I feel the love and the appreciation for what I have done for their lives.

I don't know if I can give up something like that. I always wanted to be able to make the lives of students better than they ever thought possible.

Can I do that in this new job? The answer to that is MAYBE. While I would be working with a great deal more students than the 75 I work with each year as a teacher (think several thousand each year with the new job), I would not be able to build the types of trust and relationships I build with my students. I would not be spending as much time with the masses that I do with my classroom students.


Do I want to lose the leadership roles I have come to love because of the difference I get to help make in the world?

One part of my life that I tend to keep off of here are some of the leadership roles I have undertaken in recent years. I fear of being discovered and identified by those leadership roles. Well, I will try to convey this as best I can.

Because of my leadership roles in education, I have the ability to affect change that will benefit the teachers, the students, and their families. I have the opportunity to work with teachers from across the state and country in an effort to affect that change. It began in local leadership, but my roles have grown into statewide leadership and into the national arena. With my love of politics and my love of education, I am at a point where I can see my future in this particular line of work. I would love to do lobbying for the betterment of education. There are so many areas of education that need to be looked at and improved, and I can be one of the voices to get that change implemented.

Outside of education, I also am chairman or a member of several different civic organizations. I feel I am making a place for myself. I enjoy working with these organizations. Each works to benefit the lives of our citizens in some shape or form.

Can I honestly end those relationships in exchange for this new job? Granted I would have new roles to fill, and I can even see myself leading this company in the future. I could be one of the state directors. I can see me there, and others have commented on it as well.


Do I leave the school that I have loved since the first day I walked in it?

When I say I love this school, I mean I feel a connection and an ownership of this school. We are a pretty large middle school (about 1200 students in two grades) and one of the top in the state. We have worked hard over the past 10 years to be the best. We have set high expectations for our teachers, staff, students, and their parents. We don't accept failure. We believe every student can succeed, and we instill that in our kids. I have a family-like connect to my colleagues, students, and their families. I have never felt this anywhere I have ever worked before.

There really is no good way to explain how this feels except to say that I feel loved, needed, and respected in my school and school system. That takes time to build, and do I want to start over.

The funny thing about all of this is that I have worked with this other company for about 12 years now in a volunteer capacity. I know so much more than any newbie would know coming into this position. I have connections, friendships, and community partnerships across the state because of my work with this company. I know that there is already a level of respect for me in this company. But, I will still be the newbie. Also, the role that I have enjoyed for so many years as a volunteer would be greatly affected by me taking a position with them. Do I really want to change that role? I don't know!


Other Thoughts:

Given the fact that I dream of moving to a larger city someday in the future, do I really want to take a job with this company knowing that I am locking myself into the area I am currently living in?

If I took the job with this new company, they would allow me to go back to school and pursue another degree...FREE OF CHARGE. (I would only be allowed to take two classes per semester for free, but it is better than nothing!) With me wanting to obtain my doctorate degree, do I want to give up that chance?

What are the advancement possibilities in this new company? Is it any better than in the school system? In my opinion, I would say that the opportunity for advancement is less in this new company. There are not many ways to advance unless someone is fired, promoted, or they die. Given the limited number of positions in this company across the state, I don't see me getting to move up very much or even quickly. As a teacher, there aren't many advancement opportunities either. However, I can see myself becoming a leader in education if I remain a teacher and in the leadership roles I already have.


Well, I suppose I may be answering my own questions just by venting it out here. As much as I would love to take this new job, I think I will have a much greater effect if I remain a teacher for now.

I welcome any thoughts or opinions.

Hope everyone is having a great weekend. I am off of here to head to the movies. Going to see "Cirque du Freak : The Vampire's Assistant." All of the reviews I have read say it is an awesome movie. Should be a good time.

Take care,
- JC

By the way, I have missed talking with several of you online this week. Hope you all are doing well, and hope to talk to you soon.

It's for You!

When I was in 8th grade I had the best mathematics teacher known to man. While I will not give out her name, I will say that it is because of her that I decided to be a math teacher. She just made learning fun. The absolute coolest thing she ever did for all her students was to give out her home phone number on the first day of school. She told us that if we ever had a question about the homework we were to use the number and call her.

I admit that I used the number on several occassions throughout that year. She even freaked me out at times when she would leave help on her answering maching for the exact problem I was calling about. Was she psychic??? Sometimes it felt life she was, but now that I am a teacher I understand she had the experience to back it up.

Jump to several years later to when I became a middle school math teacher. From the first year I taught I have always given my students my phone number. I tell them from day one that it is to be used if they have homework help or if they are in a situation where they need help in general. I tell my students that I do not accept "I didn't understand the problems" as a reason for not completing your assignment. All I ask is that you attempt the problems. I do not demand that you always get them all correct. How else will you learn if you don't make the mistakes. But, just not trying the problems...unacceptable.

You may be asking yourself if my students will ever use the phone number. The answer is a resounding YES! The first couple of weeks it may only be one or two students who will be my initiates for the team. They begin to spead the word that they had called Mr. Teacher for help. Other students will follow suit. At some point, I had to put a time limit on when I could be called. Otherwise I may have students calling me at any hour of the night. (Shouldn't they be in bed anyway?!)

Here is the funny part about all of this...I have former students who will call and ask me for help with their mathematics in the higher grades. I also get emails from them and their parents to keep checking in over the years and sometimes to request for help. Heck, I even tutor some of my former students as they have moved into high school.

Some teachers would be annoyed by the fact that they don't get any downtime. I honestly love when my former students make it a point to come back and visit (even if it is for help in their homework). It helps me to know that I have earned their trust and respect.

I actually just got off the phone with one of my former students. I remember when he was in 6th grade. What I remember most is his insecurity and fear of doing math. Now, when I get calls to help him out, I hear this confidence in his voice. He knows he can do the math if he will just take the time to talk it out. It makes this teacher very proud of him.

Hey, it's the little things in life that make the biggest differences.

Just needed to share that today.


Everything is going pretty good on my end of the world. This week has had its ups and downs, hospital runs, and some peace and quiet.

I have also had the chance to talk with some pretty remarkable people out there in the blogging world. (You all know who you are.) I am astounded and dumbfounded by the things I have learned about them, and in turn about myself. I hope we can all continue to talk and learn. You all know where to find me.

Well, I am off of here to go write a quiz for tomorrow's classes. The best part about tomorrow...IT'S FRIDAY! Look out weekend.

- JC

Endoscopy anyone?...anyone?...anyone?

The past 24 hours have been quite interesting. I will apologize now for the digusting details that may come along.

Last night I decided to have an omelette for dinner. I ended up fixing a cheese omelette with steak strips. I love fixing omelettes because they are simple to make and only take a few minutes.

Being a teacher, I have become very good at eating my meals very quickly. Even when I am at home I tend to speed eat. Tonight was no exception. I was hurrying through this steak and cheese omelette. Let me preface and say that there are some things you should never try to hurry and eat...steak being one of them.

As you can probably imagine, I was not properly chewing my food before swallowing it. About half-way through the omelette I felt a piece of steak go down the wrong way. I felt it move down and get stuck in my chest. I just felt it stop and get lodged.

Before anyone panics, I was not choking. I could breathe just fine. However, there was a lot of coughing going on. This steak got stuck in between the esophagus and the trechea. I was smart and did not panic. Actually, this happened a couple of years ago so I knew what was happening.

Here comes the disgusting part. Because of this piece of steak being lodged where it was, I was beginning to spasm. It is my body's way of trying to vomit and dislodge the steak. All that was coming up was mucus...lots and lots of mucus. I tried drinking water hoping that it would help move it and slide it on down. What ends up happening is the water goes down the trachea and towards the lungs. It immediately starts my coughing again. Nothing would go down.

I knew what I was going to have to do. But, I wanted to wait until the morning. I decided to lay down for the night and sleep. Let me go ahead and tell you that it is impossible to sleep with that stuck in your throat. Within minuts of laying down I would start to convulse and vomit again. This went on ALL NIGHT!

I got up and went in to the school this morning about 5 AM. I got sub plans together so I could take the day off to relieve this problem. I ended up going to the emergency room to have an endoscopy done.

 An endoscopy is basically where the doctor sends a camera down my throat to find the undesirable object. Then they just get a hold of the object and extract it. I was sedated during the entire procedure. I remember talking with the nurse for a few minutes. She left to tend to another patient. Next time I saw her I was done.

All in all, the procedure is virtually painless. Waiting around for more than 14 hours to get it taken care of was not a joy AT ALL!

I missed a day of work because of it, but at least I can have some extra rest time. The sedation meds were awesome.

This has really worn me out tonght, so I am planning to turn in early. That never happens.

See, miracles do happen! 

Getting Out of the Funk

I decided after reading everyone's responses, I needed to get out of this funk!

This popped up on my facebook account today. Made me laugh.

Yes, I am a gLeek! What can I say?

Apologies All Around

I feel the need to apologize to everyone. There are times when I step outside of my life and take a look at it. Last night happened to be one of those times. I did not mean to sound like I was in a desperate state. In fact, I was following my thoughts to their logical ends. I felt the need to air it out and actually see what my thoughts were. Sometimes it is better for me to see if written out. I did not realize how I really felt about it all.

In particular, I feel the need to apologize to M. I hope that you don't think that your question during our discussion has sent me spiraling down. In fact, I think that because of our conversation I was able to take a closer look at myself. I appreciate gifts life that. So, thanks!

Yes I seem to be withdrawing into old habits of throwing myself into my career and volunteer work. M and Chris both have pointed out to me that I need to probably step back a bit and find a way to enjoy my life. I agree with them 100%. I do enjoy the parts of my life that I do live. I love being a teacher. Working with the kids I have brings such joy into my life. The volunteer work I do involves working with students from grades 4 through 12 from all over the state. When I get the chance to work with this group, I feel even greater joy. They are some of the most terrific examples of our future, and they are constantly giving me hope for it.

But, obviously, there are areas of my life where I am missing out.

I do live alone. While I enjoy the privacy and peacefulness it provides, I find that there are times (more and more frequently lately) where I long to have someone in my life.

I don't get out much any more. I used to get out at every possible opportunity. I cannot recall the point where I became such a hermit. I suppose it ties back in to my living alone.

The more I think about pursuing a relationship, the faster I go to that fear corner I have come so accustomed to hiding in lately. Chris made a great point today when he said "The best part about coming out to myself is knowing that God loves you perfectly. Not for who you think you should be but for who you are. in his most perfect way." The more I thought about that statement the more it helped me realize that perhaps I am not completely come out to myself. What I mean is that I have come out to myself, but have I whole-heartedly accepted who I am? The fact that I can ask that questions tell me that I have not.

Now my task is to take the time to examine why I have not completely accepted who I am. Wow, it feels like starting at square one again. I will certainly keep everyone posted as this journey seems to take a somewhat new path I was not expecting.

I am inspired by the people I have met on here. Each of you adds some component to my life that I need. Obviously you were brought into my life for a reason. The more I read, the more I am inspired and uplifted. So thanks to all of you.

Life is getting better...one step at a time.

I am grateful and feel the love!
- JC

Are You Livin' or Are You Existin'?

Fall break is over and the kiddies return to school in the morning. I am sitting here on my couch writing lesson plans, powerpoint presentations, etc. I find myself having an extremely difficult time because my mind is racing in 20,000 different directions. So now I feel the need to get this out of my head...I have to so I can focus.

I was chatting with M online tonight. We got into this discussion of how life is going for me being a gay man. I tried as best as I could to explain my life. I said that I only accepted the fact that I am gay about 2 years ago. I have only been out to people for a year to a year and a half, and still not out to others. I have only dated one guy, and that only lasted about a month. Basically, he could not handle the insanely busy schedule that I keep. I am constantly on the go, so I don't really have time to deal with having a relationship or being alone.

M asked me if that is LIVING. Instantly I remembered a line from the movie "The Family That Preys" (By the way, if you get a chance check out this movie. It is a Tyler Perry movie, but one of his dramas. The cast includes Kathy Bates, Alfree Woodard, Tyler Perry, and others. It is a great cast. The movie is incredible and worth the time.) The line from the movie is a question that Alfree Woodard remembers Kathy Bates asks her. She says "Alice Evans...are you livin' or are you existin'?"

It is exactly the point M was trying to make.

As I thought about it, I knew the answer was that I am just existin'.

As with everything else in my life, I basically throw myself in my career and volunteer work. By staying so extremely busy I don't have to deal with anything else. My days consist of going to the school, teaching kids, meetings after school, workout, home for a short nap if needed, off to my office to work on more school stuff, laundry, clean house, etc.

I know I have mentioned this in my other posts, but I don't have a chance to go out and date in my area. The biggest reason is that every time I go out somewhere I will see someone that I know. I will see students, former students, parents of former students, other teachers, or whoever. My fear is that if it discovered that I am gay man teaching in a middle school there might be parents who would pull their students out of my classes or out of the school. I live in a very sounthern, uber-conservative part of the country. It may sound paranoid, but I have seen parents use this against a colleague of mine to try and get them fired. Just a bit of FYI, this colleague did not get fired. The principal stood up and said that we are not going there. I know I would have the support of my fellow teachers and administration, but I don't won't to go down that road.

Because of these fears I have, I make a choice not to go out and socialize with other gay men. I don't do clubs and I definitely don't do hookups. It's just not me. I suppose you could say it goes back to my conservative and religious upbringing. I simply choose not to act on these feelings I have. It seems I am choosing to remain single.

Well, maybe...

I wouldn't say that I am making the single life my choice. I am simply choosing not to get out there and meet people. I am always finding excuses to not go out...work, exhaustion, work, etc.

Before anyone asks, YES it is lonely at times. (more and more often, as a matter of fact) How do I handle the lonliness? I work, go hiking, clean the house from top to bottom, random road trips. It is a vicious cycle, isn't it?

Believe me, I have days where I crave closeness, conversation, affection (I did not say sex, thank you!), and an emotional connection. Heck, all I want is the chance to hold hands with, hug, or cuddle up next to someone on the couch during a movie. And sadly, writing this just makes it worse.

During our discussion, M asked me if I had ever thought I could get married to a woman. In truth, I was once engaged to an incredible girl. I honestly loved her, but in the end I broke off the engagement. No worries, she is living a wonderful life as a college professor in a southern college. She is happy!

In recent years I have also had thoughts of what if I decided to persue a relationship with my best friend, Cal. Cal and I have been best friends since the 6th grade. We have been through an awful lot together over the past 20 years or so. I know our families have pretty much expected we would end up dating and getting married. I won't lie to you...I think we have ALL thought the same thing. Last year, she told me that if I was interested in dating her that she would be open to it. I told her I wasn't ready for that at the moment but I would think about it further. I hated to let her down like that.  I did not want to hurt her. I actually could see us married with kids. I love her family...I refer to her parents as "Mom and Dad." My family loves her too. So the question is why don't I give it a chance? The answer is that I don't know that I can put her through the fact that I am attracted to men. It would destroy her. I love her too much to let that happen.

Am I crazy? Could I not have a marriage with her? I just don't think I could do it! What would happen if I became attracted to a guy while I was married to Cal? Ultimately, I just don't know how our marriage would succeed when there are obvious needs we cannot meet for each other.

I hope I am not offending anyone. I am just thinking outloud for my situation. I know that there are couples who are constantly working through this very situation. I have been reading several blogs from these couples. I am amazed at how they keep their marriages successful. But, in the case of me and Cal, I don't think either of us is strong enough to do that.

So now I am back to square one...do I live a life of solitude, do I persue a relationship with a guy, do I to fall in love with a girl and get married? What am I to do?

The answer is I DON'T KNOW!

Obviously I am just exstin', but I need to take a chance and finally begin livin'!

Thanks for listening. And, I apologize for the length of my past few blogs. Just been on a roll, I guess.

Good night!
- JC

Hiking

My preferred choice of exercise is HIKING.

I am fortunate to live in an area of the country that is very mountainous. There is nothing like going for a hike through the mountains for several hours. That's right, I said HOURS! I enjoy going hiking even more when I am alone. I just have some me time. When I am stressed out and feel I can take no more, I will hop in the car and head straight for the Appalachian Trail.

Because of a knee injury I sustained this year, my hiking trips have become less frequent. When I do go, I don't get to go too far because the knee will start to give out or throb. Dang it, I feel like an old man. Doctors are talking surgery which I am not happy about. I have been fortunate in my life to not have any broken bones or any surgeries. We will see, but I need to get this done ASAP.

Anyway, the real purpose of this post was to show you some pictures I took during one of my hiking excursions through the Appalachian Trail. That day I hiked for well over 3 hours. I lost track of time. You will see why when you look at the pictures.

Can you see why I choose to hike in the Appalachians? The incredible beauty and perfection is awe inspiring.

Makes me want to get in the car and head that way right now. Alas, I have entirely too much work to do before our next quarter begins tomorrow. I will be restricted to walking at one of our city parks for a while today. Maybe I will just head to the gym instead. Oh well!

Have a great day!

- JC

It's All About Making Progress

I wanted to start by saying that I have gotten to email/chat/interact with some new fellow bloggers. Their stories are simply incredible. Several of the blogs I have actually read in their entirety this week...one of the benefits of having 9 days off for fall break.

I know that I can get down at times and complain. We all do it, don't we? After reading a couple of specific blogs, I soon realize that my struggles and issues tend to pale in comparison to my brothers-in-arms.

I also received an email last night from one of the bloggers that I had recently discovered. (You know who you are.) I got a little freaked out when being asked if I actually lived in Tennessee (I do!) and if so, where did I live (I did reveal that in my response). What I did not realize when I was looking on this particular blog was that he was also in Tennessee. I calmed down when he made a point to say that if I did not how "out" I was, so if I wanted to keep my anonimity that would be cool too. That took me a bit to think about it. Discovered that we live in different areas of the state. So, I resonded and tried to introduce myself briefly. I also tried to explain how I found his blog. That took a bit of work. At some point, I may share that too.

Sounds like a really cool possibility for a good friendship. We can all use more of those, right? I know I am being very vague right now. Forgive me for that. Since we have only initially communicated, I am not comfortable linking his blog without approval.

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I mentioned in the previous posts that the death and response to the death of Stephen Gately hit me pretty hard, and quite unexpectedly. Today was the funeral service in Dublin. It was not televised, so no one except the family and friends got to witness it. The song above, "In This Life" was sung by Stephens bandmate and best friend, Ronan Keating, at the request of Stephen's mother.

I have listened to this song several times today and it has just been tugging at the ole heartstrings.

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OKAY, THE REAL REASON FOR THIS UPDATE

Over the week I have had the opportunity to really get into and discover lots in dozens of blogs. This week I became inspired. Having read about several of our bloggers/friends coming out to their families, I decided it was time for me to take another step as well. That bit of courage came yesterday for me.

I decided that it was time to explain to so many of my friends why I have been so distant in the past 2 years or so. I racked my brain deciding what would be the best way to do this. Ultimately, I decided email was going to be my friend today. (Efficiency was also the name of the game!)

I took about and hour or two and constructed this letter. Everything I wanted to say just poured out into that email. Once I finally was satisfied with what I had writted, and did the spell/grammar check, I had to figure out who I was outting myself to today. I did what any self respecting person would do...open my address book and just start choosing.

I skipped all my family members. (I am still working up to that one. Maybe this week.) I chose only two teachers in my school system in whom I have complete faith and trust. Finally, I chose close friends and old college ones as well.

Once all of that was done, and I was ready to send the email...I froze. I paused and began to shake. It was no ordinary tremble. I was shaking vigorously. It was FEAR! I just couldn't hit the button. It took me about 5 minutes of just sitting at my desk and breathing. I finally just said "to heck with it" and pushed "send."

Instead of waiting around the computer all night, I ended up going to dinner at a friend's house. My friend, Susan, is a substitute teacher in our district. She is the absolute best, and we have developed this wonderful friendship over the past few years. Dinner was this incredible marinated and baked chicken over noodles and alfredo sauce. It was wonderful. I spent about 3 hours with Susan and her husband. They have led an incredible life and have traveled the world. He husband was in the pastorate, and did many of his years in Europe, Africa, and South America. Honestly, I enjoyed the adult conversation.

When I got back home I went straight for my computer and my email account. I had a number of responses on there. I later discovered a barrage on my phone, too. I am extremely happy to say that it was all positive comments. I have discovered that I have the best friends anyone could ever have. They kept telling me how much they loved me and will always be there for me. It was exactly what I needed to hear.

I am making my way out of this cramped closet! I still have a few extremely close friends and my family to inform. The friends that I chose not to tell are those that worry me the most. I haven't decided if I am going to do a letter, a phone call, or talk with them in person. Either way it will be hard.

In a big surprise to myself, I am not so worried about my family anymore. Yes, my mother is the exception to the rule. I am sad to say she will probably be the last to know. That saddens me a bit, but I need to figure it all out first.

One last thing, and I promise to stop. Once part of my life that I don't always talk about is my religious beliefs and my relationship with God. It is difficult to admit at times. About two years ago I came to a crossroads where I needed to know how my sexuality and my Christianity would fit together. I prayed every night for God to take this away from me or to help me seek the answers I desperately needed. I was getting no answers, and I became more frustrated. It came to a point where I was yelling at God every night. I was just mad. At some point in all of that yelling, I calmed and just decided to listen. The answers I sought came to me in the form of music. (Music plays a big role in my life.) Once I took in what was being presented to me, I was able to see what God was telling me. I knew I was loved and that He knew me. That was exactly what I needed to know. For the first time in my life, I feel closer to God than I ever had. There is no more hiding.

The reason I bring this up is because this afternoon I was driving through the mountains to look at the foliage changing. Somewhere I was just in awe of what I saw. I decided to just send a quick prayer of thanks for what I was seeing and for just helping me through these rough couple of years. Just then every hair on my body stood up...goosebumps! I knew what it meant.

So today is a very good day for me. I cannot believe how everything progressed, but I feel very fortunate to have so many great people in my corner...that includes all of you who I have met or have yet to meet. Whether you know it or not, you have become my greatest support system in this adventure. Thanks to all of you.

Till next time.

- JC

Congratulations

Congratulations to Jason over at Carwin's Closet.

He made the decision and came out to his parents last night.

Way to go, Jason. I know that takes a lot of courage to tell your parents. We are very proud of you!

Now What???

Fair Warning...This Could Be a Long One (Lots of thoughts running in my mind today!)

ROBIN WILLIAMS

Last night I went to see Robin Williams in his "Weapons of Self-Destruction" tour. Simply put, I laughed for two solid hours, and I don't remember ever stopping to breathe. He is truly a genius. You have to be a genius to be that observant, quick, and witty. No subject to safe.

Being that he came to Tennessee, you can just imagine the comments he was making at the beginning of the show. I cannot remember all of the comments. The funniest ones though were his comments about Dolly Parton, her "natural" assets, and Dollywood.

I have to stop for a second and say that we were most certainly a wild and unruly bunch at times. There was lots of yeehaws and yells going on (Hey, it is Tennessee y'all!)

I won't go into too much of it all. But, I would like to leave you with the best pick up line I have ever heard. (And, please forgive me for any lack of political correctness. It is Robin Williams after all.)

"Are both of you parents retarded?...because baby you sure are special!"

I forgot to mention, being in the second row is incredible. Robin stood right in front of us the entire time, making eye contact with us, and even interacting with us. That was awesome. It was certainly worth what I paid for that ticket!


Update of my new Home

My goal on Wednesday was to get all of my boxes unpacked and everything set up in my house. Well, that did not happen. It just seems that the more I unpack and organize the more boxes that keep appearing. Sounds funny, but it seems to be a never-ending parade of boxes and storage containers.

I am going through all of my clothes at this point. I did not realize I had so much clothing. I ended up with 3 large suitcases, 7 trash bags (all of this was my dirty clothes...life has been busy), and 6 storage containers of clothes. Yes, it is just me in the house. Part of the clothing I am going through I cannot wear. I don't think I have mentioned this in the past, but about three years ago I lost 85 pounds. Obviously NONE of those will come close to fitting me anymore. I had been selling some of it on eBay because a lot of those clothes are Ralph Lauren, Polo, Tommy Hilfiger, etc. At some point I stopped doing that. Now, I am just bagging up all of the clothes that I don't or can't wear and taking them to the local charity. On the other hand, it is leaving me some closet room to put any new clothes in there.


Losing Weight

So here comes a subject that I never like to discuss...weight!

When I was a kid, I was this little skinny pole of a kid. I was an active child. I was fortunate to live in a neighborhood where there were approximately 20 - 30 other kids my age. We were always out playing ball, hide-n-seek (through the neighborhood), swimming in the pool, swimming at the lake, riding our bikes through "the woods", etc. I hardly remember staying inside the house for anything, not even for the rain!

When I was 14, my dad and step-mother told me that we were moving from my childhood home. To put it mildly, I was devastated. I ended up being severely depressed at that point. (Still reeling from my parents' divorce when I was younger didn't help either.) When we moved, we ended up in this house on the outskirts of town. The nearest neighbor was, no joke, a solid mile from my house. We were definitely in the country. I was miserable. I hated it there because I was used to having friends and neighbors. Now, all I had was seclusion.

So, what was left to do besides play Nintendo and eat. We all know what happens when you are inactive and do nothing else but eat, eat, eat...you get big! At some point, I might show you some comparison pictures just to prove the point.

Jump to about 3 or 4 years ago. I started seeing a therapist. It was at the suggestion of my teammate. Evidently I was a giant ball of stress all the time and was not enjoying life. I spent over a year meeting with my therapist (I will call her Teresa). Teresa and I met weekly for the first couple of months, then went bi-weekly, till we were down to once a month for a second year. I was able to work through everything I had kept pent up for years. The biggest topics that were discussed were my parents' divorce, the effect of my grandmother's death, me being a workaholic, not letting people see the "real me", my step-mother driving my dad into bankruptcy, etc.

Once I got to a point of enjoying my life, I made the decision that it was time for me to lose the weight that came with all of this stress and issues. At the time I saw to see my doctor for help/advice, I weighed 333 lbs. (I cannot believe I just admitted that to you all.) I was embarassed and ashamed when I learned that fact. I had never realized how big I had gotten.

The doctor gave me two options. (1) He told me I was a candidate for gastric bypass surgery. Since my health insurance policy has an exclusion policy against any weight loss procedures/medications, which was out. Plus, I don't like the idea of surgery. (2) I could do it the old-fashioned way - WORK FOR IT!

So, I chose to work for it! I began eating healthier. I cut out all drinks that contained any sugar or caffeine. I began a workout routine with a trainer. The trainer was expensive, but it was definitely worth the money!

The result…I lost 85 pounds in a matter of 6 – 7 months. I lost 10 inches on my waist and dropped 3 shirt sizes. I was on cloud 9!

I realize that is a lot of weight in a short amount of time. We were all shocked.

I was finally able to climb stairs without being out of breath. I could run and jog without passing out. I could do so many things that I couldn’t before because of the weight.

The best thing for me was that I was finally able to go shopping at the mall and find clothes in my sizes. I hadn’t done that in years. I became the king of American Eagle, Abercrombie, Old Navy, the Gap, and Banana Republic. My poor credit card was on fire.

The hardest part of it all since that time has been maintaining the weight loss. Like so many before me, I fell off the wagon HARD. I slowly began to gain some of the weight back (50+ pounds of it to be precise). I knew I could not go back to where I was. Thankfully, I have worked all of the regained weight back off and kept it off for about a year now.

Being a math teacher, I could not help but figure up how much weight I have lost in recent years. It came out to approximately 157 pounds. WOW! That’s a Backstreet Boy!

Just after Labor Day, I decided to kick my healthy eating and workout routine back into gear. My goal is to get below the 200 lb mark. I am determined more than ever to reach that goal and stay there.

There are several goals that I have for this year that coincide with the weight loss, or because of it.
(1) Run a 5K, and eventually a 10K
(2) Participate in the 5 Boros Bike Ride in New York City (42 miles long)
(3) Bungee cord jumping
(4) Go sky diving

The question you are probably asking yourself is “What’s the point of this?”

Here’s the point…I need your help and support. I need friends to check in on me from time to time and make sure I am still working toward my goal. I do much better when I am held accountable to someone. I will keep you all posted from time to time to let you know where I stand and the progress I am making.

Then, when I am ready to go sky diving, anyone is welcome to come along for the adventure.

Thanks for listening to this little rant and rave session.
- JC

I APPRECIATE YOU

One thing I try to impress upon my students is that everyone needs and has a desire to feel needed and appreciated. I try very hard to let them all know how much I appreciate them every day. In other words, I try to “walk the walk.”

So, I wanted to take a few moments and just say how much I appreciate all of you who read this blog and may/may not respond. The comments are great, but just knowing you all are out there reading this is enough for me. I have gotten to know some of you over the past few months, and those friendships are just incredible to me.

You have been there with comments and support when I needed it. I hope that I have been there for you as well. I will continue to be there when you need me.

Through this blog I have been able to meet and get to know some truly remarkable individuals. I have definitely learned a lot from you since I began this little adventure.

For those of you who I have not had the chance to meet, feel free to drop me a line on here or by email. (It is on my profile page.)

That’s it…I JUST WANTED TO SAY THANK YOU!


THE EFFECTS OF STEPHEN GATELY’S DEATH

I am not sure why this has gotten to me this week, but this story saddens me.

I was reading an article this morning that asked the question of why Stephen Gately’s death has gotten so much attention. I finally found a reasonable answer.

Stephen Gately is the first member of the Boy Band generation to die unexpectedly. Obviously his death has not made huge headlines here in the United States. His band, Boyzone, was mostly popular in Europe, Asia, etc. From report I read, they sold more than 20 million CDs during their career.

I think what has really gotten me is the reactions to his death. His band mates flew to Spain to visit their departed friend and to support Andy, Stephen’s husband. They flew to Dublin to meet with and offer their condolences to Stephen’s family. Together, the family and the band mates have made all the arrangements for the funeral services and the impending memorial service in London. They then flew back to Spain to be with Andy and to escort Stephen’s body back to Ireland.

What got to me today was the report that said his band mates will be breaking with Irish tradition by keeping a vigil all night with Stephen in the church. Their reason for doing this is “because Stephen never liked to be alone.”

That, my friends, it true love and friendship!

I know that this is a strange topic to be blogging about, but for some reason it has affected me pretty harshly. This was a death that was very unexpected, and I guess it takes me back to the death of a friend of mine several years ago who also died very unexpectedly. I just seem to identify with the pain that Stephen’s friends and family are feeling at the moment.

I promise to not linger on this anymore. I apologize if it brought you down.

Weapons of Self-Destruction

I am leaving the house in a matter of minutes to gatch Robin Williams' "Weapons of Self-Destruction" tour.

I cannot wait to see how crazy he can really get in person. I have hear tales and seen the specials on television. It should be an awesome time.

Honestly, I am just excited to meet someone who is certifiably crazier than any member of my family...now that is saying something.

My only concern : SPIT! We have tickets in the second row, and I am afraid that when Robin gets real excited he might start spitting.

I have bad memories of being spit on by some of my college professors when they really got going. I learned to (A) carry and umbrella to class or (B) move to the back. Most of them had microphones on anyway. There was need to be in the front of the class. 

I will report back once I make the trek back home.

Later!
- JC

RIP Stephen Gately (03.17.1976 - 10.10.2009)

Obviously I am a bit behind in my news. I blame it on moving into the new house, but I wanted to take a moment and just share this.

I will be the first to admit, I was a boyband junkie in the 90s and early 2000s. Stephen Gately was one of the lead singers for the Irish boyband, Boyzone. Boyzone rose to fame in 1993, and enjoyed great success abroad until they split in 2000. Their best know and best selling song of all time was "No Matter What." (See below.)

Stephen's world became a much different place in 1999 when he decided to publicly come out as a gay man. It was initially not done by his choosing. He did this to head off a newspaper that was going to out him. Instead of them outing him, he decided it was in his best interest to come out on his own terms. The title of the article became "I am a Gay Man, and I am in Love." Stephen became the first openly gay boyband member. He paved the way for other artist such as Will Young, Mark Feehily (of Westlife), and Lance Bass (of N'Sync).

In 2003, Stephen and his partner Andrew Cowles had a commitment ceremony in Las Vegas. Later they took part in a civil union in London. Below is a picture of the couple.

Stephen's body was discovered on Sunday, October 11, by Andy and a friend. It is reported that Andy tried to revive Stephen for 30 minutes, but was unsuccessful. We have now learned that he of natural causes. Doctors are reporting it is possible he died for sudden adult death syndrome (SADS) caused by an undiagnosed heart condition. Stephen was only 33 years old.

Below is a screen shot I took today. It is the announcement, from Boyzone's official website, of Stephen's death.

 

It is reported that Andy is, understandably, distraught. He is blaming himself for not being able to save his husband's life. Reports say that Andy is making statements such as "My life is over" and "I will never forgive myself for this."

The four remaining member of Boyzone flew to the island of Majorca to console Andy and to visit their departed brother. The band members and Cowles flew to Dublin to pay their respects to Stephen's parents and to make arrangements for the funeral ceremonies. They have flown back to Majorca to escort Stephen's body home.

The private family mass is scheduled for Friday night, and the funeral service will be on Saturday. A memorial service will be scheduled in London at a later date.

The members of Boyzone reunited in 2007 and have been working on their upcoming album to be released in 2010. They were also planning to being their world tour in 2010. No one was said to be more excited than Stephen, who took the split the hardest in 2000.

This really is a tragedy no matter who the person is...famous or not.

Stephen was someone who came to embrace that he was a gay man, and he became a role model for so many youth at the time. It is uplifting that after coming out he was able to find the love of his life, Andy.

Furthermore, it is wonderful to see that coming out didn't have any negative effect on Stephen's career as a singer and actor. He was a singer and actor who just also happened to be gay. He was not a gay singer or a gay actor. I think that is a very telling tale that he was accepted in Europe, Asia, Australia, etc. I don't think the story would be the same if he was an American singer/actor. That saddens me to think we are still so far behind the rest of the world in accepting gay and lesbian people and their partners.

I cannot imagine what Andy is feeling right now. I know that he fled their home in Majorca after Stephen's body was removed. I doubt if he will ever be able to go back there. I think about what I would be feeling if the man I loved suddenly died at such a young age. I don't know how I would handle it, or even if I would be able to handle it. The reports state that Andy is just in complete shock. When he has been seen, it is said that his face says it all. It is frozen...numb...still in shock. Below is a picture of Andy as he was leaving the couthouse following the post-mortem hearing.

I have to admit, the more I have sat here writing this the sadder I am getting. I think what saddens me most is that Stephen was only 33 and Andy is only 31. They are extremely young (they are my age) and completely in love with each other. I am also saddened because at this stage in my life I don't have that kind of love and relationship with someone. However, I am going to choose not to have a pity party for me right now.

My thoughts and prayers go out to the Gately family, the members of Boyzone, and most especially to his husband Andy. We are all thinking about you and what grief you must be going through at this point.

I think that we could all learn a lesson from Stephen's sudden departure from this Earth. It is simply that we are not guaranteed tomorrow. We need to let those that we love know that we love them EVERYDAY. So, turn to the person you love and tell them...hug them...hold them...let them know that they are truly and unconditionally loved. Also, we should always strive to live life to the fullest.


I leave this post with three songs.

The first is "I Believe," sung by Stephen Gately. It is a beautiful and uplifting song.

The second song is "Better," performed by Boyzone. What an incredible song. I particularly love when Stephen is singing to his loved one in the video, it is a guy. That is progress friends!

The final song is "When You Say Nothing at All," performed by Boyzone member Ronan Leating. I think it is a touching and fitting love song to end with for such a beautiful and tragic love story.

If you want to read more about the death of Stephen Gately, click HERE.