What a week it has been. On Friday evening I arrived home from an 8-day trip to our nation's capital. I have been attending a conference with about 10,000 other teachers from across the country...and the world. We have had the best time, and there is so much to share. However, all in due time!
There is an aspect of my trip that I want to share with you.
As part of the teacher organization, we have a number of caucus groups that strive to have their agenda included within the operations, belief statements, and missions of our organization. I am a member of several caucuses because I believe in the work they do and the support they provide. One caucus, in particular, led to some pretty heavy discussions this week.
I am a member of the GLBT caucus within our organization. I joined the caucus because I believe in equal rights for ALL. (For this same reason, I am a member of other caucuses.) I also joined the caucus so that I could relate to other educators in the same boat as I.
During this year's assembly, there were a number of new business items that were written. I also discovered that the GLBT caucus had asked a few of them to be amended. One new business item that comes to mind was written so our organization would actively work to support ethnic minorities in education. However, it seemed that the GLBT caucus wanted protections for GLBTQ students/teachers included. There was a great amount of discussion around this new business item, much around the inclusion of the GLBTQ clause.
As an organization, our association has worked hard for protections for GLBTQ students and educators. This has been part of our association's business for a number of years. However, I found myself on the opposite side of the line against my caucus' position. There was an amendment that would change the clause from GLBTQ students and faculty to the word ALL. It was felt that the use of ALL would include everyone without singling out a specific group, especially since this original business item was meant for protection of ETHNIC minorities.
The reason I bring all of this up is a precursor to a conversation I had later that evening with my friend, Karen.
Karen is a fellow teacher from my school system here in Tennessee. We have been great friends for several years. In fact, I came out to her while we were attending this same conference several years ago when it was in San Diego. She has been there through the years, and vice versa. So, she tends to know me pretty well.
That evening, we decided to go to dinner and take a night walk through the national monuments. (It truly is the best way to experience them!) We went to dinner at a very yummy Indian cuisine restaurant in Georgetown. After dinner we walked to the Metro (aka the subway) and the talk ensued.
In our discussion, we were talking about the activities surrounding this new business item, and the GLBT caucus' bringing forth the amendment. I made a statement to Karen that I do not always agree with the members of the caucus. I made it a point that I am often times uncomfortable with the GLBT caucus always trying to push an agenda that could possibly alienate others.
Now, before anyone decides to chastise me for that statement, let me explain. I do believe in equal rights for everyone under the law. I also believe that beyond equal rights, I also believe that we all need to love and accept one another. I have found through the years that trying to force someone to accept you will never work.
Somehow this conversation led to a discussion of me being comfortable within the GLBT caucus and the GLBT community. The truth is that I am not comfortable. That is hard for me to say, because I know that some will take issue with that. However, please understand that I am still not comfortable within my own skin. I don't consider the fact that I am gay to be the driving identifier in my life. For some reason, I felt like that is driving force behind the caucus, and that has led to my discomfort with them.
I made a statement to Karen that really shook me up. I told her that although I identify myself as gay, I don't believe that I will ever find love with another guy. I told her I have resorted to the realization that I am destined to live my life alone and without a significant other. Even as I write this, I find it hard to read. It is, however, exactly how I feel about my life.
Does this make me sad? Yes, but only when I give it great thought. In reality, I have never felt romantic/emotional love for another. Would I know what it felt like if I had...I would hope so. But, to this point in life...no true feeling of love for another. Consequently, I have great love for my friends and family, but I don't feel that would be the same thing.
The discussion with Karen left me very sad and depressed that night. In common form, I resorted to keeping busy the next few days to avoid the issue. It is how I work through so many issues...I stay busy. In this instance, I had to go back to work with 10,000 other educators.
Why am I telling you all of this on my blog? I have no idea. It felt like a good idea to just get it off my chest.
Thanks for listening.
Joey
Some music for your enjoyment!
