Happiness

While traveling back from Nashville on Thursday, I stopped off to see my father for a few hours. It is always good to see my dad. I only get to see him a few times each year even though we only live 150 miles away from each other. We always just sit around and talk about what's happening with my dad, brother, sister, etc. I get to hear about all of the drama that I am missing since I no longer near them.

There came a point in the conversation that really took me by surprise. My dad and I were talking about me cutting back on many of my community involvement, and he made a statement that I had not really had a great life because I had devoted so much time to being busy. I just stopped in my tracks. What my father does not know is that he really upset me.

I had no idea that he thought of my life as an unhappy one. He has always told me how proud I have made him, but when did he decide that making him proud came at the cost of my happiness? I just don't understand!

What my father does not understand is that I struggled for so many years trying to figure out and reconcile who I am in this life. Growing up in the Southern Baptist religion, I could not accept the fact that I am gay. I spent my twenties in denial and hiding. I threw myself into work and community service to keep myself busy and put any sort of personal life on the back-burner. It took me until a few years ago to come to terms with who I am and how that fits into my relationship with God. It took me a long time to get here! Though I am finally coming to terms with being me, I still throw myself into my work and community service.

The fact is that my father doesn't know or understand of my inner struggle through the years. We just have never had that kind of conversation.

Ever since college, I have always been on the go.  Everyone who knows anything about me would tell you that I live a non-stop life. I have never been one to worry about myself. I have always devoted my life to others. One of my favorite sayings is "Only a life lived for others is a life worthwhile." (Albert Einstein) That has been my mantra for so many years.

The truth is that I get great personal enjoyment from helping others. There is no feeling than being able to be of service to others. I just don't know any other way to be.

Why does my father believe my life has not been a happy one? I have been working and doing the kind of work I have wanted in this life. Why would that make me unhappy?

I realize that, at my current age, my dad was married and had two adorable kids (if I do say so myself). His life was all about loving and supporting his wife and kids. No, I don't have kids...yet. No, I won't ever have a wife. Why would that make my life less than his?

Today I have spent most of the day on the couch just sitting in depression thinking about my father's comments. Am I really not living a happy life?

Seriously, I don't know what else to write at this point. I feel the need to stop and take inventory!
I would love some advice from you, my friends! 

Raising My Rainbow

I discovered this blog this morning, and it truly warmed my heart.

Raising My Rainbow is a blog from a mother who is raising an "effeminate, possibly gay, totally fabulous son." It is definitely worth checking out.

Dude, Where's My Car...No, Really!

Greetings from Nashville!

I have been in Nashville for a few days to visit with some legislators concerning the awful legislation around education. (This is my other job when I am not teaching my students...I have become a lobbyist!) While here in Nashville, I also have taken in some sights, sampled some of the local restaurants, and gone to a show!

Tonight, I had a ticket to see the Broadway musical In the Heights. I got to downtown around 5:30 so I could go have dinner. I parked my car just down the street from the Tennessee Performing Arts Center (TPAC) and decided to walk to dinner. I went to a restaurant called Demos. It is one of my favorite places to eat when I visit here. Tonight I dined on blackened chicken pasta. It was phenomenal! SOOOOOOOO GOOD!

Once I left Demos, I made my way up several blocks to TPAC. I decided to text my friend Mary, who happens to work at TPAC. She met me in the lobby for a few minutes. She was about to head home for the night. I just caught her. It was good to see her. At 7:30, the curtain went up on In the Heights. I was blown away by the music. A lot of the music had a Latin flavor to it, which is unlike anything I have ever seen on Broadway. The story line had a great flow to it as well. What really got me, beyond the music, was the dancing. These actors could really "break it down." All the while I was jealous and found myself wanting to be down there with them moving and grooving...if only!

I cannot wait to see this show again!

Now to the crazy part of my night. I was walking down the street to my car, or so I thought. I could not find my car. I did not see it near the corner of the street where I left it earlier. Now, my vehicle is a yellow Pontiac Aztek...it is not hard to find! I went back into the TPAC to ask the security guards for help. They gave me the phone number to the towing service. I called them, but they did not have my car. I called the Metro Nashville Impound lot, but they did not have my car either. I was directed to call one more towing service, but again they did not have my car. At this point I was shaking. I was scared, confused, mad, etc.

The security guard gave me the number to the Metropolitan Nashville Police Department so that I could report my car stolen. Before I called, the guard was asking me a series of questions about my car. He asked where did I park exactly? Did I park in between the white lines? (Really, I am over 30...I know how to drive and where to park!) He was a very calm individual, and I needed that.

He said that it was highly unusual for a car parked so close to a major street corner to be stolen in broad daylight. That got me to thinking, and I decided to go look one more time at the street corner to make sure I wasn't completely crazy. As I got back outside and started looking, I kept looking down to the next block. What do I see? My beautiful yellow vehicle. I just about fell to the ground. I felt like an idiot! All of this emotion, panic, anger, and shaking was in vane. I had nothing else to do but laugh and thank the security guard for his help.

I suppose I am getting a bit forgetful in my "advanced age."

Tomorrow I will make the 5 hour drive back home. I have loved being in Nashville. It makes me want to move here! For now, I am off to bed...GOOD NIGHT, FRIENDS!

The Coolest Job

My friend, Sara, has the absolute best job on the planet. Sara gets to travel the world singing A'Capella in some of the most beautiful venues. Yes, she has the voice of an angel. She also gets to do some of the coolest events because of her career choice!

Below you will see a singing flash mob at Heathrow International Airport in London. It is one of the best flash mobs I have ever seen. It is certainly the best singing flash mob around! See if you can locate Sara. She has shorter black hair, and she is wearing a blue-green plaid shirt with jeans. She is also one of the ones with the biggest smiles on her face. She is a doll!

Enjoy!

It's Finally Here!

Hate is the Worst Four-Letter Word I Know

I have been sitting on this thought for a couple days, and now I am ready to put it out there!

Earlier this week I logged onto the Blogosphere to catch up on some of my favorite people. I was a bit stunned when I tried to log on to a page owned by my favorite pair of MJs and discovered that the page had been set to private. I instantly sent a text to MMJ to see what was happening. She told me that a number of people were being mean with comments on her blog, so she decided it was time to back away from her blog for a while. I sent her back a text to tell her I loved her and will be here. (She truly is amazing and deserves all the love the world can give her.)

I have sat on this thought throughout the week, and I have become more and more angered by the thought of people who don't even know the MJs writing comments that are hurtful and disrespectful on their blog. Why must people spew negativity and hate? It is not right! Since I have met the MJs, I have found them to be the most loving, accepting, and fun people I know. I am honored to call them friends! The do NOT deserve any type of hate being sent their direction.

Yes, I believe in the right to free speech. However, I also believe in respect for your fellow man. You can easily express your views without sending negativity out into the world. I think we can all agree that there is enough negativity and hate in the world as it is. Why would you want to add to it?

We live in a world where no one is like the person sitting next to them. Our differences are what make the world a fascinating place. We all have something to learn from each other. Why can't we all just get along.

So, with that being said, I will end with this one thought... LOVE YOU MMJ and MNJ!

What Have I Done?

On Sunday, I did one of the hardest things I have ever had to do.

I spent an hour writing a very difficult letter. Over the weekend I decided to completely let go of my involvement with the state youth organization to which I volunteer countless hours each year. (Earlier in the fall, the local director estimated my volunteer hours to be over 2000 last year.) By resigning I am giving up my seat on three state leadership boards. It also meant giving up being a member of the State Council, which is where I get to work with 20 of the best high school students in this state.

What is worse is that after writing the letter, it took me another hour to press the "send" button. I was literally pacing the floor, asking myself WHY, doing a bit of prayer, etc. Then I finally hit the button, and it was done!

I decided to send the letter via email to the local and state leadership. I also posted the letter to Facebook and tagged a number of people who this will affect. There was no turning back at that point.

A wave of emotions began to roll over me. I decided to go out to my back yard. I needed to be outside where I could breathe and take in the sun. I sat on the step to the back deck and broke down hard. I could no longer walk. I was shaking feverishly. To add insult to injury, I began to hyperventilate. Finally, the tears began to flow, and flow, and flow!

I sat on the deck for a while just running all these questions and thoughts through my head.

Did I make the right decision?
Why would I choose this?
Am I letting everyone down?

Then, one of the high schoolers that I have worked with for the past several years sent me a text message telling me that he understood my decision and that he supported me in this. He went on to say how much my guidance and support has meant to him. That was exactly what I needed to hear. I needed those teenagers to send me notes letting me know that it was okay for me to back out for a while.

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Why did I decide to completely back out of my volunteer work with this organization?

First, I am stretched pretty thin these days. It is my own fault. I am always trying to do things for others without considering my own needs. I have always put others first. I don't get very much sleep, and I have let my health slip this year. My friends and my physician have been after me for some time. I am finally starting to listen...

Next, I am the president of our school system's education association. I represent all of the teachers in our system. Right now, in Tennessee, teachers and our education system are under attack in Nashville. I am spending a great deal of time these days making phone calls to legislators, sending out emails and newsletters, keeping myself and teachers informed, and doing interviews with the press almost weekly (sometimes more often).

I had to make a choice. I needed to prioritize and figure out where I was needed the most. I decided that my work with the legislature and trying to protect our education system needed to come first. I knew that I am needed here representing my teachers. I also know that am I leaving the youth organization in good hands. I have no doubt that the students will do great and continue to succeed.

So with that in mind, I made the decision to walk away for a little while. I am telling myself that this is more of a sabbatical. However, I don't know at this point.

Today I did not want to go to work. I didn't even want to get out of bed. There was a sadness that overcame me and wouldn't leave. I fought the desire to stay in bed and trudged my way to work. I needed to work and keep my mind busy. It did help. I had my moments today where I had to fight back tears, but the kids kept me distracted and on my toes. My students don't know it, but they kept me from an emotional breakdown. I am forever grateful to them for that reason alone.

I know that it should get easier with each passing day, but I am forever the impatient one. I want this pain to end NOW!

Thanks for listening. I appreciate all of you.
Much love.
Joey

Decisions

Today I made one of the hardest decisions I have ever had to make thus far in my life.

I just hope that I made the right one! More to come...

Happy Birthday to You

Just thought I would take a moment and wish a happy birthday to one of my favorite people in the blogosphere.

All Shall Know the Wonder

I am living on a high from this weekend.

First off, a number of my teaching friends and colleagues made our way to Nashville yesterday for a public protest rally against all of the negative legislation facing our education system. It had been pouring rain all morning. It never stopped throughout the day. That did not stop us. There were about 5000 or more protesters that braved mother nature's test. We began at Bicentennial Park and walked down the streets of Nashville up to the Legislative Plaza. It was incredible when we got to stop traffic as we marched. People were honking horns, waving at us, thanking us for being teachers, etc.

The protest rally lasted about 2 1/2 hours. There were many speakers at the podium. What I found amazing was all of the groups of non-teachers who attended the rally to show their support. Even the President of the National Education Association flew in for the rally.

All in all, it was a great rally. I hope that our legislators take notice of all the people who were at the rally in support of our teachers and were against all this negative legislation.

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What has put me on the highest high is the fact I got to see the national tour of Spring Awakening last night. I had a FRONT ROW seat to the show. Yes, I have seen the show before (3 times in fact)! Yes, I know the story line. Yes, I know EVERY word to EVERY song in the musical. So, I was almost shaking as the show began.

The actors and actresses did NOT disappoint. In fact, I think I enjoyed this cast more than any other I have seen before. There was also something about being front row and center! I got to sing along and stomp the floor throughout the entire show. I noticed a few of the cast members caught me singing along throughout the show. It felt as though I was part of the show. I will admit, when Moritz commits suicide I found myself cry a bit. I just got a bit emotional.

One of the most fun moments was during the song, Totally F@^%ed. The actor playing Melchior got right up in my face. I couldn't help but laugh as I continued to sing. I also loved the scene between Ernst and Hanschen. They were both sitting right in front of me as the scene played out.

However, the moment I will never forget is the last scene, Song of Purple Summer. It is the scene that gives me goosebumps every time I hear and see it performed. The entire cast comes out and they are all just smiling. They eventually make their way into a line at the very front edge of the stage. There I was singing right along. Several of the cast members and I caught each other's eyes, and a got a smile from two of them as I sang with them.

Okay, I am a sucker for a good show. Spring Awakening is one of my favorite musicals, and this tour was truly incredible. I left wanting to go back for more. In fact, I am already online today looking to see it again next week. We will see how that goes.