There came a point in the conversation that really took me by surprise. My dad and I were talking about me cutting back on many of my community involvement, and he made a statement that I had not really had a great life because I had devoted so much time to being busy. I just stopped in my tracks. What my father does not know is that he really upset me.
What my father does not understand is that I struggled for so many years trying to figure out and reconcile who I am in this life. Growing up in the Southern Baptist religion, I could not accept the fact that I am gay. I spent my twenties in denial and hiding. I threw myself into work and community service to keep myself busy and put any sort of personal life on the back-burner. It took me until a few years ago to come to terms with who I am and how that fits into my relationship with God. It took me a long time to get here! Though I am finally coming to terms with being me, I still throw myself into my work and community service.
The fact is that my father doesn't know or understand of my inner struggle through the years. We just have never had that kind of conversation.
Ever since college, I have always been on the go. Everyone who knows anything about me would tell you that I live a non-stop life. I have never been one to worry about myself. I have always devoted my life to others. One of my favorite sayings is "Only a life lived for others is a life worthwhile." (Albert Einstein) That has been my mantra for so many years.
The truth is that I get great personal enjoyment from helping others. There is no feeling than being able to be of service to others. I just don't know any other way to be.
Why does my father believe my life has not been a happy one? I have been working and doing the kind of work I have wanted in this life. Why would that make me unhappy?
I realize that, at my current age, my dad was married and had two adorable kids (if I do say so myself). His life was all about loving and supporting his wife and kids. No, I don't have kids...yet. No, I won't ever have a wife. Why would that make my life less than his?
Today I have spent most of the day on the couch just sitting in depression thinking about my father's comments. Am I really not living a happy life?
Seriously, I don't know what else to write at this point. I feel the need to stop and take inventory!
I would love some advice from you, my friends!
I would not read too terribly much into his comment. It sounds like it was made in passing and without a whole lot of reflection. But taking it at face value, I don't think it should matter to you personally whether or not your dad thinks you are happy. The only person whose opinion matters in this subject is YOU. Now I'm not one whose gies around saying "who cares what anyone else thinks" because I don't believe that. We can, and sometimes even should care very much about others opinions in certain areas. Do others believe we are considerate? Do the people around us find us to be kind? That matters. Even do our parents believe we honor them? We don't necessarily need to agree but the input of others does have meaning and is useful.
ReplyDeleteBut real happiness is deeply personal. It can only be evaluated accurately by us as we live and consider our lives. If you feel happy, then you are. Whether or not someone else thinks you are should have no impact on the subject.
I would suggest that, for your dad's sake, you find a way to tell him you are happy. If he believes you are not it likely makes him sad. And if you are happy, there's no reason for him to worry over it right?
You said it right in your post. Your father does not understand what has been going on inside of your head and heart all these years. He sounds wonderful. If he had a better idea his words might have been different.
ReplyDeleteIn the end you are taking advantage of the opportunities presented to you in the best way that you know how. In the end you are the one that has to answer whether or not you life is/was happy.
For those that more or less fit into the mainstream it is hard for them to imagine that any other way of living could be of the ultimate value...
Anyway. I have rambled. (((((hugs)))))
I believe that your father does not view your life as normal. Again, don't read into this much but he views normality going hand in hand with marriage, mortgage and kids.
ReplyDeleteI don't think he can comprehend that happiness is obtainable outside of those realms. Also, I think on some level you are not completely happy with your life at the minute and this maybe the reason that have taken his words to heart, because they are true?
I agree with the other comments. If what I know of you is accurate, you don't have many deep, emotional conversations with Pops. (and he probably prefers it to be that way, I would venture to guess.) Without really "knowing" you intimately, he can only know what he sees, and in his (pretty narrow) worldview, he sees a life that doesn't add up to "normal happiness." He might not have been all that "happy" as a married father of two, but because it was what he was told added up to happiness, he accepted it as such. I'm not saying you should explode your cozy relationship with him by going all emotional on him, but you definitely would benefit by looking at it from his perspective. Even if you did sit him down and give him one of your fabulous powerpoint presentations about every detail of your happiness, he still may not accept it.
ReplyDeleteAll that matters is what you feel inside.
love you
Hey! I wouldn't read too much into it like everyone else has suggested. I think it goes with how you have lived and what you have got out of life. Your life experiences helping people have probably brought a joy that your father hasn't experienced (I don't mean that to sound rude). You have probably had different opportunities and experiences such as being a union rep that have brought you great joys. Your trips- Nashville, NC, and NY merely add to that and bring additional personal enjoyment. He's your father and I don't think he meant you any harm ;-).
ReplyDeleteTake care!
@ControllerOne
ReplyDeleteThanks for the advice. However, my dad is a natural worrier. It tends to run in our family pretty deep. A perfect example would be while I was home he tried to send me home with a rifle and another handgun for my protection. He constantly worries about me...especially since I don't live near him. I have learned just to take it in stride. (For the record, I took the handgun just to appease my father.)
@Kiley
You are correct...my dad truly is wonderful. I am fortunate to have such a loving and caring parent in my life.
@Ian
You and I definitely need to catch up, but you are probably right on some level. We will talk!
@Mandi
You probably know me better than you think. I do try to look at this from dad's perspective. It takes some work. (Also, you are correct about the lack of deep, emotional talks with Pops.)
Oh, LOVE YOU, TOO!
@Mikey
Thanks for the boost of confidence. We need to catch up too!
it sounds to me like he understands -
ReplyDelete"What my father does not understand is that I struggled for so many years trying to figure out and reconcile who I am in this life. Growing up in the Southern Baptist religion, I could not accept the fact that I am gay. I spent my twenties in denial and hiding. I threw myself into work and community service to keep myself busy and put any sort of personal life on the back-burner."