What Have I Done?

On Sunday, I did one of the hardest things I have ever had to do.

I spent an hour writing a very difficult letter. Over the weekend I decided to completely let go of my involvement with the state youth organization to which I volunteer countless hours each year. (Earlier in the fall, the local director estimated my volunteer hours to be over 2000 last year.) By resigning I am giving up my seat on three state leadership boards. It also meant giving up being a member of the State Council, which is where I get to work with 20 of the best high school students in this state.

What is worse is that after writing the letter, it took me another hour to press the "send" button. I was literally pacing the floor, asking myself WHY, doing a bit of prayer, etc. Then I finally hit the button, and it was done!

I decided to send the letter via email to the local and state leadership. I also posted the letter to Facebook and tagged a number of people who this will affect. There was no turning back at that point.

A wave of emotions began to roll over me. I decided to go out to my back yard. I needed to be outside where I could breathe and take in the sun. I sat on the step to the back deck and broke down hard. I could no longer walk. I was shaking feverishly. To add insult to injury, I began to hyperventilate. Finally, the tears began to flow, and flow, and flow!

I sat on the deck for a while just running all these questions and thoughts through my head.

Did I make the right decision?
Why would I choose this?
Am I letting everyone down?

Then, one of the high schoolers that I have worked with for the past several years sent me a text message telling me that he understood my decision and that he supported me in this. He went on to say how much my guidance and support has meant to him. That was exactly what I needed to hear. I needed those teenagers to send me notes letting me know that it was okay for me to back out for a while.

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Why did I decide to completely back out of my volunteer work with this organization?

First, I am stretched pretty thin these days. It is my own fault. I am always trying to do things for others without considering my own needs. I have always put others first. I don't get very much sleep, and I have let my health slip this year. My friends and my physician have been after me for some time. I am finally starting to listen...

Next, I am the president of our school system's education association. I represent all of the teachers in our system. Right now, in Tennessee, teachers and our education system are under attack in Nashville. I am spending a great deal of time these days making phone calls to legislators, sending out emails and newsletters, keeping myself and teachers informed, and doing interviews with the press almost weekly (sometimes more often).

I had to make a choice. I needed to prioritize and figure out where I was needed the most. I decided that my work with the legislature and trying to protect our education system needed to come first. I knew that I am needed here representing my teachers. I also know that am I leaving the youth organization in good hands. I have no doubt that the students will do great and continue to succeed.

So with that in mind, I made the decision to walk away for a little while. I am telling myself that this is more of a sabbatical. However, I don't know at this point.

Today I did not want to go to work. I didn't even want to get out of bed. There was a sadness that overcame me and wouldn't leave. I fought the desire to stay in bed and trudged my way to work. I needed to work and keep my mind busy. It did help. I had my moments today where I had to fight back tears, but the kids kept me distracted and on my toes. My students don't know it, but they kept me from an emotional breakdown. I am forever grateful to them for that reason alone.

I know that it should get easier with each passing day, but I am forever the impatient one. I want this pain to end NOW!

Thanks for listening. I appreciate all of you.
Much love.
Joey