February 20, 2015
February 14, 2015
Starting Anew in 2015
Hello friends -
Long time, no see!
I looked today, and I realized it has been 9 months since I have posted on this blog. So much has happened over the past year, and I want to share much of it with you. However, trying to sum it all up in a year is hard. So we will go a little at a time.
First, and foremost, I need to apologize to people in my life. You see, I have been battling a very debilitating bout with depression. Friends who really know me know that I don't show emotion well. In fact, we call it my Chinese Wall. Many people build such a wall to protect themselves from whatever is happening in their lives. I have been building this wall most of my life. The hard part is that I have built the wall so high that I have blocked out the light in my life.
I cannot pinpoint what has caused this deep depression in life. In fact, no one really knew I that I have been in this situation for so long. I would go to work, teach my kids, conduct the business of being a teacher, then come home and lock myself in for the remainder of the night. I became quite the recluse.
To my friends and family, my life was good. They saw me working hard as a teacher, fighting for the teachers and students of the state when I was working with legislators in our state capital, and making a name for myself in our community. On social media, I would post only the positives of life. Life looked good. On the inside, however, life stung with every heartbeat. The worst part of it all is that I withdrew from my friends and family. I haven't seen or spoken to my best friend in well over 6 months. That is totally my fault for not returning calls and reaching out.
Now, that does not mean I stopped working. Quite the opposite was true. I have always worked my butt off to keep the emotions pushed away. That has been the continuation in my life. I have worked and worked and worked. I didn't have time to deal with falling apart. My students needed me. My teachers and parents needed me. All of the leadership roles I have could not go neglected. I became a workhorse.
When I would stop working, I would crash and then lock up. When I was at home, I was avoiding everyone and everything.
At one point last year I did seek help. I began seeing therapist in my area. Then I discovered that my therapist was a parent of a former student. That hit me hard. It meant I had revealed myself to someone who knew me. That scared me, and I locked back up on everyone.
The past year has been a very lonely one. It is my fault for locking myself away from everyone. Well, I am working on it.
The first thing I am doing now is opening up to my friends and family. My Aunt Sue was the first one I spoke to about the depression. In fact, she pushed me for information. She had seen it. Being the mother figure that she is, it doesn't surprise me that she picked up on it. Now, I am faced with opening up to my friends that I shut out of my life.
I am starting to open up to my best friend, Jenny. She is the one I have shut out, and she is the one that I feel most guilty about shutting out. As Meredith Grey would say, "she is my person." I have decided to start with a letter to Jenny explaining what has been going on and apologizing profusely. I don't know how she is going to react. All I know is that I miss my best friend. We were so close since going to college. We were with each other for every major event in life. I need her to know how sorry I really am and how much I want to get back to where we were.
There are so many others that I want to reach out to and let them know why I went away.
Am I better? Not even close to 100 percent. However, admitting it to myself and others if the first major step in the right direction.
So what does 2015 have in store? I am not sure. I do know that it is going to be a fight to get past this blasted depression. I am committed to doing just that. I am committed to getting life back in order. It is just going to be a one-step-at-a-time journey.
I will be trying to post more on here this year. In the past, this blog offered me an outlet. It also brought me some great friends whom I need to reconnect with soon.
Thanks for listening. More to come...
Long time, no see!
I looked today, and I realized it has been 9 months since I have posted on this blog. So much has happened over the past year, and I want to share much of it with you. However, trying to sum it all up in a year is hard. So we will go a little at a time.
First, and foremost, I need to apologize to people in my life. You see, I have been battling a very debilitating bout with depression. Friends who really know me know that I don't show emotion well. In fact, we call it my Chinese Wall. Many people build such a wall to protect themselves from whatever is happening in their lives. I have been building this wall most of my life. The hard part is that I have built the wall so high that I have blocked out the light in my life.
I cannot pinpoint what has caused this deep depression in life. In fact, no one really knew I that I have been in this situation for so long. I would go to work, teach my kids, conduct the business of being a teacher, then come home and lock myself in for the remainder of the night. I became quite the recluse.
To my friends and family, my life was good. They saw me working hard as a teacher, fighting for the teachers and students of the state when I was working with legislators in our state capital, and making a name for myself in our community. On social media, I would post only the positives of life. Life looked good. On the inside, however, life stung with every heartbeat. The worst part of it all is that I withdrew from my friends and family. I haven't seen or spoken to my best friend in well over 6 months. That is totally my fault for not returning calls and reaching out.
Now, that does not mean I stopped working. Quite the opposite was true. I have always worked my butt off to keep the emotions pushed away. That has been the continuation in my life. I have worked and worked and worked. I didn't have time to deal with falling apart. My students needed me. My teachers and parents needed me. All of the leadership roles I have could not go neglected. I became a workhorse.
When I would stop working, I would crash and then lock up. When I was at home, I was avoiding everyone and everything.
At one point last year I did seek help. I began seeing therapist in my area. Then I discovered that my therapist was a parent of a former student. That hit me hard. It meant I had revealed myself to someone who knew me. That scared me, and I locked back up on everyone.
The past year has been a very lonely one. It is my fault for locking myself away from everyone. Well, I am working on it.
The first thing I am doing now is opening up to my friends and family. My Aunt Sue was the first one I spoke to about the depression. In fact, she pushed me for information. She had seen it. Being the mother figure that she is, it doesn't surprise me that she picked up on it. Now, I am faced with opening up to my friends that I shut out of my life.
I am starting to open up to my best friend, Jenny. She is the one I have shut out, and she is the one that I feel most guilty about shutting out. As Meredith Grey would say, "she is my person." I have decided to start with a letter to Jenny explaining what has been going on and apologizing profusely. I don't know how she is going to react. All I know is that I miss my best friend. We were so close since going to college. We were with each other for every major event in life. I need her to know how sorry I really am and how much I want to get back to where we were.
There are so many others that I want to reach out to and let them know why I went away.
Am I better? Not even close to 100 percent. However, admitting it to myself and others if the first major step in the right direction.
So what does 2015 have in store? I am not sure. I do know that it is going to be a fight to get past this blasted depression. I am committed to doing just that. I am committed to getting life back in order. It is just going to be a one-step-at-a-time journey.
I will be trying to post more on here this year. In the past, this blog offered me an outlet. It also brought me some great friends whom I need to reconnect with soon.
Thanks for listening. More to come...
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