Christmas with my family has always been a wonderful time. In the past decade the focus of our family gatherings has shifted towards my 11 nieces and nephews. I love it. However, this Christmas has been like nothing I would have expected.
As we all know, December 14 was the day of the school shootings at Sandy Hook Elementary, in Newtown, CT. However, I also received a phone call that day that the patriarch of my extended family, my great-uncle Bob had passed away. Bob was an amazing man and role model for me. He was first and foremost a family man, an amazing Christian, and a strong advocate for public service. He taught me a great deal in my life, and he will be missed. I forgot to mention that he was married to my aunt Sarah for 62 years. I don't know what she will do without him.
So, over that weekend we dealt with Bob's death, and I also worried about how I would talk to my students on Monday about the shootings at Sandy Hook.
On Monday afternoon, as I was preparing to make the 2.5 hour drive to my hometown for uncle Bob's funeral services, I received a phone call from my dad. He told me that they had found my cousin Kelly dead from a gunshot wound at her apartment. We did not know if it was suicide or murder. The police could not definitively make a ruling until the autopsy was performed. After the autopsy was performed, the medical examiner ruled Kelly's death a suicide.
Kelly was only 32 years old. Of the four grand kids in my family (me, my cousin Del, my brother Jason, and my cousin Kelly), Kelly was the youngest. She lived a very difficult life. She was diagnosed as bipolar when she was a teenager. I can recount numerous times when she ran away from home. I remember her being put in various group homes and psychiatric hospitals throughout her teen years. Her second child, Dayesha, was killed in a car accident when she was only 2. Last year, Kelly lost custody of her other kids due to her drug and alcohol usage. I know she has had a most difficult life, but I am not using that as an excuse to justify suicide. I don't condone it in any way. It saddens me to think she thought she had no way out...no hope...no future.
Kelly was my baby girl. She being the youngest, and I being the oldest, we had a wonderful relationship with one another. I looked out for her. In the past years, I have also worked to look out for her boys. She leaves behind three sons, ages 16, 10, and 7.
So, this past week has been incredible difficult for the family. I had to stand strong for my family I also had to stand strong for my students last week. I chose not to let my students know about the deaths in my family. To them, nothing was wrong. My colleagues were great in keeping a check on me. They also understood that by working with the kids, it kept my spirits up.
The memorial service for Kelly was on Saturday. I drove the 2.5 hours home to attend the service. It was awful seeing my nephews in tears. I also saw my cousin Del breaking down. That was about all I could take. I just wanted to reach out and hug everybody.
How did this affect our family Christmas? Needless to say, our family cancelled our Christmas gathering at my Aunt Sue's house. Sue was horribly broken down by the deaths of Bob and Kelly last week. So, we chose not to have the gathering. My nieces' and nephews' presents were delivered to their grandmother's house for their family gathering.
This had a profound effect on me. I ended up pretty emotionless this week. I was not happy or sad. I was just here! I didn't know how I would be spending Christmas. I had even thought I would just not get out of the house for Christmas. However, I decided to meet my dad, sister, aunt and uncles for dinner on Christmas Eve at a restaurant close to Dad's house. It was nice just to get out of the house and out with the family. We all needed that. I spend the night at Dad's house so we could spend Christmas morning together. Dad cooked his traditional Christmas breakfast for us. It was simple and nice. I had a chance to visit with my mom and stepdad today, which I also needed. A boy needs his mom...especially in times like these!
This Christmas was unlike any previous Christmas in my family. It is something we will never forget, but it is also something we never want to go through again during the holidays. I am blessed to have a close-knit and strong family. We will prevail and life will move forward. We will be there for each other, and that is the best gift of all throughout the year.
I pray that each of you had a blessed holiday. Take care of each other.
Love you all!
Joey
December 25, 2012
November 26, 2012
It's Nice to Feel Appreciated
It is only Monday, and I am already exhausted!
I have spent much of today working on an application for a supplemental job with the state department of education. Our state is hiring teachers across the state to be "coaches" of the new common core standards. My principal asked me to apply, so I have been working on that marathon of an application all day. I did not leave the school until 7:30 tonight.
My principal wrote a letter of recommendation for me, and I got the chance to read it today. I honestly came close to shedding tears. It was an incredible letter, so I wanted to share with you. It is below:
To Whom It May Concern:
I am pleased to recommend Joe XXXXXX for the position of Core Coach for the state of XXXXXX. Mr. XXXXXX possesses the skills needed to be successful as a Core Coach. He is one of our best teachers at XXXXXX Intermediate School, a school that is known throughout the state of consistently producing excellent results. Mr. XXXXXX is highly motivated and extremely competent. He possesses the rare combination of being a building leader, yet has the ability to collaborate successfully with his colleagues. Year in and year out his students achieve some of the best results in our building. In addition to a high achievement rate, his value-added scores are at a level five. He would be an excellent addition to the team of Core Coaches for our state.
Mr. XXXXXX serves the XXXXXX Intermediate community in numerous ways. He currently sits on the Leadership Team for the school. In addition, he served on the Transition Team that steered our campus from a 6-7 grade level configuration to a 5-6 grade level configuration. During the time of change, Mr. XXXXXX brought solutions and ideas to make the change successful for the students, parents, and teachers. Many times throughout the process, he volunteered to develop or create new procedures or structures that set up our school community for success. Our transition to 5-6 campus has been extremely smooth. Mr. XXXXXX gets the complexity of change. I believe this skill set will serve the state extremely well during the transition to common core standards.
Mr. XXXXXX also serves the building as our 6th grade department leader for Science. Last year during the implementation of the new evaluation system, he worked closely with our other seven sixth grade science teachers to take existing lesson plans, and create plans that were much more rigorous for our students. It was no surprise when results came back from the state that our 6th grade science scores improved from 72% proficient and advanced to 81% proficient and advanced. The rate of growth in one year is exceptional. The team did phenomenal under Mr. XXXXXX's leadership. In addition, and not surprisingly, he had the highest percentage of proficient and advanced of all our 6th grade science teachers.
Mr. XXXXXX's work ethic is to be respected. I have been working in education for 16 years and have not worked with another teacher so devoted. He arrives early and stays late. Not only does he provide excellent lessons for his students, but he assists numerous teachers behind the scenes. Our faculty trusts him and knows he will lead them in right direction. He gives of his time freely. Mr. XXXXXX is always willing to help out with a music concert, PTA event, or faculty meeting presentation. One thing that has impressed me most is his ability to work with student data. He has used benchmark results, formative assessments, and TCAPs to guide his instruction. He has the ability to create easy to read and understand charts about the progress of his students.
Mr. XXXXXX is a beloved teacher on our campus. Students enjoy his presentation style. He makes each student successful by his ability to plan and learn from data. It is without hesitation, that I recommend Mr. XXXXXX for a XXXXXX Core Coach. He will be an asset to the state as he is an asset to XXXXXX Intermediate.
I have spent much of today working on an application for a supplemental job with the state department of education. Our state is hiring teachers across the state to be "coaches" of the new common core standards. My principal asked me to apply, so I have been working on that marathon of an application all day. I did not leave the school until 7:30 tonight.
My principal wrote a letter of recommendation for me, and I got the chance to read it today. I honestly came close to shedding tears. It was an incredible letter, so I wanted to share with you. It is below:
To Whom It May Concern:
I am pleased to recommend Joe XXXXXX for the position of Core Coach for the state of XXXXXX. Mr. XXXXXX possesses the skills needed to be successful as a Core Coach. He is one of our best teachers at XXXXXX Intermediate School, a school that is known throughout the state of consistently producing excellent results. Mr. XXXXXX is highly motivated and extremely competent. He possesses the rare combination of being a building leader, yet has the ability to collaborate successfully with his colleagues. Year in and year out his students achieve some of the best results in our building. In addition to a high achievement rate, his value-added scores are at a level five. He would be an excellent addition to the team of Core Coaches for our state.
Mr. XXXXXX serves the XXXXXX Intermediate community in numerous ways. He currently sits on the Leadership Team for the school. In addition, he served on the Transition Team that steered our campus from a 6-7 grade level configuration to a 5-6 grade level configuration. During the time of change, Mr. XXXXXX brought solutions and ideas to make the change successful for the students, parents, and teachers. Many times throughout the process, he volunteered to develop or create new procedures or structures that set up our school community for success. Our transition to 5-6 campus has been extremely smooth. Mr. XXXXXX gets the complexity of change. I believe this skill set will serve the state extremely well during the transition to common core standards.
Mr. XXXXXX also serves the building as our 6th grade department leader for Science. Last year during the implementation of the new evaluation system, he worked closely with our other seven sixth grade science teachers to take existing lesson plans, and create plans that were much more rigorous for our students. It was no surprise when results came back from the state that our 6th grade science scores improved from 72% proficient and advanced to 81% proficient and advanced. The rate of growth in one year is exceptional. The team did phenomenal under Mr. XXXXXX's leadership. In addition, and not surprisingly, he had the highest percentage of proficient and advanced of all our 6th grade science teachers.
Mr. XXXXXX's work ethic is to be respected. I have been working in education for 16 years and have not worked with another teacher so devoted. He arrives early and stays late. Not only does he provide excellent lessons for his students, but he assists numerous teachers behind the scenes. Our faculty trusts him and knows he will lead them in right direction. He gives of his time freely. Mr. XXXXXX is always willing to help out with a music concert, PTA event, or faculty meeting presentation. One thing that has impressed me most is his ability to work with student data. He has used benchmark results, formative assessments, and TCAPs to guide his instruction. He has the ability to create easy to read and understand charts about the progress of his students.
Mr. XXXXXX is a beloved teacher on our campus. Students enjoy his presentation style. He makes each student successful by his ability to plan and learn from data. It is without hesitation, that I recommend Mr. XXXXXX for a XXXXXX Core Coach. He will be an asset to the state as he is an asset to XXXXXX Intermediate.
Pardon all the Xs in the letter.
I seriously am not trying to boast in any way. That is not my style. I just wanted to share the joy with you. It is not everyday we get told such wonderful things about ourselves by those around us. It just makes you feel special from time to time. I wish everyone could get a letter just as nice written about them.
Hope everyone is having a great start to their week!
Nothing but love, my friends!
Joey
November 13, 2012
Shane and Tom
FAIR WARNING: Get some tissue ready before you watch this video. You will most certainly need it!
I was in the Nashville area this past weekend for a conference. As I laid in bed at my beautiful hotel on Friday night, I could not sleep. I don't know what it was, but I just could not force myself to go to sleep. So, I decided to get on the iPad for a bit to look around Facebook, emails, etc. I don't even remember how I got to a link of this video. However, I remember watching it three consecutive times. I couldn't break myself away from it. I was so moved by what I was watching that I spent the next few hours researching the video, the incredible man in the video, and the story behind the video. What I found brought me to uncontrollable tears.
Tragically, Tom died unexpectedly on May 7, 2011 when he fell 4-stories from a roof while taking pictures of a friend. Shane's world was instantly flipped upside down.
Tom's mom flew to California to collect Tom's body and take him back to Indiana for a funeral and burial. She convinced Shane to pay for the transport of Tom's body back to Indiana and the cost of the funeral. Shane relented. What makes this story even more tragic is that Shane was forbidden to attend Tom's funeral and burial. He didn't get to say his last goodbyes. In fact, he was threatened by Tom's dad and family if he were to show up.
Since last Friday, I have not been able to get this video, Shane's story, and Shane's journey out of my mind. It has had a profound effect on me over the past few days.
You see, I have not always given much thought to marriage equality. It is not that I didn't believe in equal rights. Far from it. I believe the reason I was so removed from the topic is that I didn't quite understand the ramifications of a legal marriage for all. Shane and Tom's story have put this into a whole new light. I now understand that even something as a civil partnership or civil union would not allow couples the same rights as a legally married couple. In Shane and Tom's case, Shane would have been able to make medical decisions for Tom, he could have gotten information about the events in the hospital that are now kept from him, and he could have arranged a cremation and funeral service for Tom in California, which was his wish. He could have done all of these things if he was legally recognized as Tom's husband. Sadly, the citizens of California approved Prop 8 several years ago, which means Tom and Shane were not able to get married as they wanted. It is time for us all to stand up and fight for legal marriages for all couples in the United States. It is time for the discrimination to stop.
Shane, I don't know if you will ever find this blog or this post. However, if you were to ever read this, please know that I am so incredible sorry for the loss of Tom. I cannot imagine the pain you have had to endure since losing the love of your life. I wish I had the words to say. Please know that you have the love and support of so many people you may never know of get to meet. It is my prayer for you to be able to use this tragic event for some good in the world. I know the love you and Tom shared will never die. That type of love transcends this Earth, and will last for eternity. Tom will always be with you in your heart. It is not the same as having him physically by your side, but he will never be far away. I have no doubt that you can sense his presence around you as you carry on in life. You know Tom would not want you to be so sad in life. He would want only the best for you that this life has to offer. And, when this life fades, you will most certainly find Tom waiting for you to join him at the pearly gates of Heaven. A love for eternity! And, thank you to you and Tom for helping me to see what true love can really be in this life. I will forever be in your debt for that incredible gift.
On a side note, the video and song below were written for Tom. It was written and sung by Colleen McMahon in tribute of Tom Bridegroom. I have played this song more times over the past few days than I care to admit. The love in this song is undeniable.
November 8, 2012
Speechless...
Got home from work tonight and popped over to Facebook for a moment just to check messages and a few updates. One of the updates on my feed made me get up and do a little dance. Okay, so I didn't literally get up and dance, but I could have easily done so.
What made me so excited, you may ask! I found out that one of my favorite Broadway stars will soon be starring in a musical I am more than anxious to see.
Yes, I have had a "crush" on Matt since I had the chance to see him in Spring Awakening on Broadway a couple times. (Only a few friends know of this! Well, now more will know.) This gives me another reason to get my rear end back up to New York City!
Just felt the need to share!
What made me so excited, you may ask! I found out that one of my favorite Broadway stars will soon be starring in a musical I am more than anxious to see.
Yes, I have had a "crush" on Matt since I had the chance to see him in Spring Awakening on Broadway a couple times. (Only a few friends know of this! Well, now more will know.) This gives me another reason to get my rear end back up to New York City!
Just felt the need to share!
November 6, 2012
October 20, 2012
Whose Closet???
First off, I rarely find time to read a book simply for my own personal joy of it. During the school year, my time is pretty full with papers to grade, lesson plans to write, parents to call/visit, being the face of the teachers as the association president, and the list goes on and on! Every now and then, I catch the glimpse of a book that peaks my interest. This week was one of those times.
Last week I read an article that was spreading across the web, Facebook, ABC news, etc. It was about a man from Tennessee who made the commitment to live as a gay man for exactly one year. That's right, you read it correctly! This straight, uber-conservative, Jerry Falwell-type Christian man from the heart of the Bible Belt decided to live a complete year as gay.
As someone who has lived in Tennessee his entire life, I know many people like Tim. Not to mention that I completely identify and understand his upbringing in the church. So, I instantly knew where he was coming from in his life. However, I was blown away by the fact that he would choose to turn his life upside down to live as a gay man. I had to get this book.
Thank goodness for my iPad. The book was only a click away. I tore through this book over the past 24 hours. (Yes, I actually found the time to read an entire book. It doesn't happen often!) I saw in utter amazement at the events that led up to Tim's decision to conduct this "experiment."
Given that I don't want to give you the details of the book. I will just say that it was easy to feel the pain, anguish, fear, and love throughout this book. I just couldn't put it down. I wanted to know about Tim's year. Let's just say there are some events that take place during Tim's year that can only described as either divine intervention or insane irony.
I will think about writing my response to this book after I have had time to process it. For now, I just wanted to give you an idea of the next book to read.
Last week I read an article that was spreading across the web, Facebook, ABC news, etc. It was about a man from Tennessee who made the commitment to live as a gay man for exactly one year. That's right, you read it correctly! This straight, uber-conservative, Jerry Falwell-type Christian man from the heart of the Bible Belt decided to live a complete year as gay.
As someone who has lived in Tennessee his entire life, I know many people like Tim. Not to mention that I completely identify and understand his upbringing in the church. So, I instantly knew where he was coming from in his life. However, I was blown away by the fact that he would choose to turn his life upside down to live as a gay man. I had to get this book.
Thank goodness for my iPad. The book was only a click away. I tore through this book over the past 24 hours. (Yes, I actually found the time to read an entire book. It doesn't happen often!) I saw in utter amazement at the events that led up to Tim's decision to conduct this "experiment."
Given that I don't want to give you the details of the book. I will just say that it was easy to feel the pain, anguish, fear, and love throughout this book. I just couldn't put it down. I wanted to know about Tim's year. Let's just say there are some events that take place during Tim's year that can only described as either divine intervention or insane irony.
I will think about writing my response to this book after I have had time to process it. For now, I just wanted to give you an idea of the next book to read.
October 14, 2012
Holding Hands and Ingrid
For two years I have been dying to see Ingrid Michaelson in concert. Two years ago I had 2nd row tickets to see her in concert, but I ended up having to be out of town that weekend. I was crushed. Finally, Ingrid rolled into Knoxville last night and put on a most incredible concert.
The only low point of the experience was the two girls sitting next to me. They couldn't have been older than 17 or 18. They were making fun of people around us in the theater. It took all the strength I had not to say something to them. Instead, I chose to enjoy the concert.
During the concert something caught my eye, and it kept my attention for quite a while. Sitting behind me and slightly to the left were these two guys. They obviously are in a relationship. How did I know that? It was pretty clear when they were holding hands through some of Ingrid's romantic-type songs. Being the polite Southerner that I am, I did not conspicuously turn completely around and stare. Luckily, my peripheral vision is excellent, so I watched out the corner of my eye.
Yes, I found it to be very "cute" and romantic. I just sat back, enjoyed the incredible music and coyly smiled at the thought of these two guys behind me in love and holding hands.
Growing up in what I call the "buckle of the Bible Belt," seeing two guys holding hands in public is something I never expect to see. Just a few years ago they would have been ridiculed. But, that was not the case this time. I know several other people around us all noticed them. I even saw many of these people smiling once they saw it too. I am amazed and thrilled at the fact that even in the South a gay couple can be in public holding hands. It says a lot of how far my beloved South has come.
Am I saying that it is the same everywhere in the South...absolutely not. However, the more urban areas of the South, such as Knoxville, seem to be transitioning in the life of the cities.
I will be totally honest. I was somewhat saddened and jealous at the same time. I saw this young couple (maybe 23 or 24...man, I feel old) of guys can be open in their love for one another. While I had hope and happiness in my heart, I found myself longing for the same thing. I look back at the journey of my life, and it is hard to imagine how my life would be different if I were able to come out to myself and others in my early 20s instead of waiting until I was 30.
I know I am tough on myself, and that is something I am used to at this point. However, I know that I have got to make some changes in my life if I want to be able to finally open up to a future relationship(s). I have to realize that it is perfectly okay to open up and love someone.
Just wanted to share this little bit with you. I realize now that there is hope for the South.
Take care!
Joey
The only low point of the experience was the two girls sitting next to me. They couldn't have been older than 17 or 18. They were making fun of people around us in the theater. It took all the strength I had not to say something to them. Instead, I chose to enjoy the concert.
During the concert something caught my eye, and it kept my attention for quite a while. Sitting behind me and slightly to the left were these two guys. They obviously are in a relationship. How did I know that? It was pretty clear when they were holding hands through some of Ingrid's romantic-type songs. Being the polite Southerner that I am, I did not conspicuously turn completely around and stare. Luckily, my peripheral vision is excellent, so I watched out the corner of my eye.
Yes, I found it to be very "cute" and romantic. I just sat back, enjoyed the incredible music and coyly smiled at the thought of these two guys behind me in love and holding hands.
Growing up in what I call the "buckle of the Bible Belt," seeing two guys holding hands in public is something I never expect to see. Just a few years ago they would have been ridiculed. But, that was not the case this time. I know several other people around us all noticed them. I even saw many of these people smiling once they saw it too. I am amazed and thrilled at the fact that even in the South a gay couple can be in public holding hands. It says a lot of how far my beloved South has come.
Am I saying that it is the same everywhere in the South...absolutely not. However, the more urban areas of the South, such as Knoxville, seem to be transitioning in the life of the cities.
I will be totally honest. I was somewhat saddened and jealous at the same time. I saw this young couple (maybe 23 or 24...man, I feel old) of guys can be open in their love for one another. While I had hope and happiness in my heart, I found myself longing for the same thing. I look back at the journey of my life, and it is hard to imagine how my life would be different if I were able to come out to myself and others in my early 20s instead of waiting until I was 30.
I know I am tough on myself, and that is something I am used to at this point. However, I know that I have got to make some changes in my life if I want to be able to finally open up to a future relationship(s). I have to realize that it is perfectly okay to open up and love someone.
Just wanted to share this little bit with you. I realize now that there is hope for the South.
Take care!
Joey
September 15, 2012
Challenges Ahead
For the record, I don't enjoy talking about my emotions! This has been somewhat of a challenge in my life. I have never been one to show a great deal of negative emotion. You would never know I was angry, upset, or downright depressed. I have become a master (or at least I thought so) of hiding my emotions from the world. I don't have the luxury of being depressed, angry, upset, etc...especially when I am at work. I teach 6th graders that need me everyday. I cannot be a source of negativity in their lives. So, I put up walls and shield my emotions.
This all came to a head this week. For the past 6+ months, I have been battling a depression that I cannot seem to get past. It has been a very rough time. I basically have been going to work, staying late each day, and coming home. When I get home, I virtually lock myself in the house and block the outside world. I have felt trapped in this rut. I have felt like a prisoner in my own house. Thus, the depression has been difficult to fight.
I finally decided to go see a doctor for help. I went to a local, and very well respected psychiatrist here in town. We had quite the discussion about present life, work, home life, hobbies, etc. Then we got into family history, childhood, my teenage years, college, and beyond.
At the end of the session the doctor delivered some very interesting thoughts. He said it was obvious that I am ADD/ADHD. My only thought was "NO S#!%." He thinks that my ADD/ADHD can be a contributing factor to my depression.
Then came a blow to my psyche! The doctor seems to think I could have Bipolar II disorder. I was sitting there freaking out in my own head. I have a cousin who has is bipolar. I thought, "I am nothing like her." Then the doctor explained the difference between what my cousin has and the type of bipolar disorder he thinks I have.
We discussed a number of options. He has given me two weeks to do my own research on the disorder and a number of treatment options. I like being able to look everything up and to be part of the decision for treatment.
I left the doctor and went straight to the school to get work done. However, the only problem was that I was in panic mode. I couldn't think of anything else except what the doctor had told me. I just went home and locked myself up for the night. All evening long I was in panic mode. My mind was racing with various scenarios. I could not get settled down.
I had to go to work the next day. That meant I had to put on the brave face, all for the sake of my kids. However, all week long I have had these thoughts in the back of my mind.
Now I am left wondering what to do. The whole idea of medication gives me chills. I have never been one who likes to be medicated. In my mind, it means I cannot take care of myself. It means I have failed on some level to manage my life. However, I am working through those struggles trying to decide what to do.
The simple truth is that I need to get my life back on track. I need to recover and take the world by storm! There is so much more I need to accomplish, and this is an unacceptable roadblock.
For those of you that pray, I sure could use your prayers!
Love you, friends!
Joey
This all came to a head this week. For the past 6+ months, I have been battling a depression that I cannot seem to get past. It has been a very rough time. I basically have been going to work, staying late each day, and coming home. When I get home, I virtually lock myself in the house and block the outside world. I have felt trapped in this rut. I have felt like a prisoner in my own house. Thus, the depression has been difficult to fight.
I finally decided to go see a doctor for help. I went to a local, and very well respected psychiatrist here in town. We had quite the discussion about present life, work, home life, hobbies, etc. Then we got into family history, childhood, my teenage years, college, and beyond.
At the end of the session the doctor delivered some very interesting thoughts. He said it was obvious that I am ADD/ADHD. My only thought was "NO S#!%." He thinks that my ADD/ADHD can be a contributing factor to my depression.
Then came a blow to my psyche! The doctor seems to think I could have Bipolar II disorder. I was sitting there freaking out in my own head. I have a cousin who has is bipolar. I thought, "I am nothing like her." Then the doctor explained the difference between what my cousin has and the type of bipolar disorder he thinks I have.
We discussed a number of options. He has given me two weeks to do my own research on the disorder and a number of treatment options. I like being able to look everything up and to be part of the decision for treatment.
I left the doctor and went straight to the school to get work done. However, the only problem was that I was in panic mode. I couldn't think of anything else except what the doctor had told me. I just went home and locked myself up for the night. All evening long I was in panic mode. My mind was racing with various scenarios. I could not get settled down.
I had to go to work the next day. That meant I had to put on the brave face, all for the sake of my kids. However, all week long I have had these thoughts in the back of my mind.
Now I am left wondering what to do. The whole idea of medication gives me chills. I have never been one who likes to be medicated. In my mind, it means I cannot take care of myself. It means I have failed on some level to manage my life. However, I am working through those struggles trying to decide what to do.
The simple truth is that I need to get my life back on track. I need to recover and take the world by storm! There is so much more I need to accomplish, and this is an unacceptable roadblock.
For those of you that pray, I sure could use your prayers!
Love you, friends!
Joey
September 2, 2012
Patrik 1.5
Tonight I decided to look on Netflix for a movie I had yet to see. This movie, Patrik Age 1.5, came across my recommended movies. I looked up the summary of the movie and was instantly intrigued.
You can judge for yourself, but I loved this movie...even if it is in Swedish.
August 27, 2012
My Sordid Past
We all have things in our past that make us cringe at time. Here is mine.
Oh, friends, I kid you not! This show taped every Friday evening and Saturday morning from the time I was in high school through some of my college years. We taped two shows on Friday night, and most of us were back on Saturday morning to tape the remaining three shows for a week's set. It was a blast and I loved it. However, I take a lot of flack from friends when they discover I used to do this. It's all fun!
Thankfully, you will not find me on this video. (Believe me, I have been watching it back and forth making sure I am out of it!) Thus endeth the show and tell!
Oh, friends, I kid you not! This show taped every Friday evening and Saturday morning from the time I was in high school through some of my college years. We taped two shows on Friday night, and most of us were back on Saturday morning to tape the remaining three shows for a week's set. It was a blast and I loved it. However, I take a lot of flack from friends when they discover I used to do this. It's all fun!
Thankfully, you will not find me on this video. (Believe me, I have been watching it back and forth making sure I am out of it!) Thus endeth the show and tell!
August 8, 2012
A New Year Has Begun
Summer is over! School is back in session!
That's right. We began our new school year today. The past week leading up to this day have been a roller coaster of emotions. I am always excited to begin a new school year. New kids...new parents...new adventures!
Last week, I learned that my teammate and I will have 17 special education students on our team of just 50 kids. That means that approximately 1 in 3 of my kids have a learning disability or other disability that affects their learning. Last Tuesday I was going into panic mode at this discovery. My teammate and I met with one of our 6 special education teachers. She is the case manager for our 17 kids. She was going through each child's needs. The more I heard, the greater the weight I was feeling on my shoulders.
At the end of the meeting, I felt myself getting sick. I was nauseous, and I even had to dash to the restroom to vomit. A panic/anxiety attack was in full force. I actually went into the school's clinic to lay down for a bit. I was just so overwhelmed by it all. At 3PM, I went home and curled up in a ball on my couch. Can you say "fetal position?"
The next morning, I could not get out of bed. I was emotionally frozen. I didn't want to move. Finally, around 9 AM, I was able to pull myself out of bed, into the shower, and then off to school. When I arrived at the school, I immediately went into my assistant principal's office to talk with her. She asked if I was okay. Apparently, I looked awful. I just shook my head that I wasn't okay, and at that point I broke down in her office.
She looked shocked. My AP couldn't figure out what was wrong. I told her that I was having such great doubt about my ability to be an effective teacher this year given the enormity of the number of kids in my class that are classified as special ed. (Did I mention some hallways don't have a single special education student?!?!) Donna (my AP) told me that we were selected for this group of kids because they had great faith in our abilities as teachers. They saw my test scores at the end of the last year, and knew I could get results from my special ed kids.
I finally calmed myself down and talk about the kids. I told her I would take it one day at a time.
I don't really want to get into all the information about my special ed kids, because the list is so lengthy. However, there is one that I want to share with you.
I was told I will have a 6th grade boy who has muscular distrophy (I cannot remember the specifics just yet). We were told that his condition had worsened over the past year. In fact, he had gained over 100 pounds in just the past 12 months due to his condition. We were told that doctors are giving him less than a year to live. They told us that his anger level has escalated as he has come to better understand the finality of his life. He has given up on academics.
I told my principal that the only fear I have ever had as a teacher is to have a student that I am teaching to pass away. I don't know how or if I would be able to handle it. I don't know if I could mentally and emotionally get myself under control to help care for my other kids. It sends chills down my spine just thinking about it now.
This was all last week. We had a meet and greet event last Thursday to get a preview of some of the kids and parents we would have this year. I have to admit that my anxiety level dropped after getting to meet some of the incredible kids that came to the meet and greet. It helped me prepare myself for today.
This morning, around 7:50 I received word that my MD student arrived at the school, and that he would soon be down my hall. From what I had heard before today, I was expecting a student in horrible shape who could barely get around. Boy was I surprised.
Jackson (name changed for anonymity) rolled into my classroom. He was obviously nervous. However, when he saw a student he knew, he began to relax and open up. Throughout the day he was participating in class, raising his hand, laughing, contributing, etc.
This was not the student I was expecting. I was shocked, but more than pleasantly surprised. I spoke to to his physical therapist who is now located at our school. She said she had not seen this side of Jackson. She was more than thrilled by this.
After school today I spoke with Donna about Jackson. She said she was also not expecting what she saw today. She spoke with Jackson outside at the buses this afternoon. He told her he was nervous this morning, but he was loving this school. He said he loved being in my class.
I will be honest with you...that right there made my day, week, and year. I was just happy to be able to make this kid smile and bring some semblance of joy to this kids life.
I was speaking with another colleague this evening, and she said it was amazing to think we never know why certain kids cross our classroom doorways. We don't know why we were the ones chosen to be in their lives. It really got me to thinking about why I became a teacher. I became a teacher because I wanted to make a difference in the lives of the children I meet and teach. I lost sight of that in the panic and anxiety of last week. Somehow, getting to meet Jackson today, and seeing how happy he was with us...even if only for a short time, really put it all into perspective. I know now that I will continue to do just that. I will work my butt off day in and day out to make sure my students get the very best education possible. I will be there for them when they need that extra bit of support and joy in their lives. With me, they will be protected and thrive in my care!
So, it was a rough start last week. However, today brought new surprises and a few miracles that I needed to see to know I am in the right place.
Till next time!
That's right. We began our new school year today. The past week leading up to this day have been a roller coaster of emotions. I am always excited to begin a new school year. New kids...new parents...new adventures!
Last week, I learned that my teammate and I will have 17 special education students on our team of just 50 kids. That means that approximately 1 in 3 of my kids have a learning disability or other disability that affects their learning. Last Tuesday I was going into panic mode at this discovery. My teammate and I met with one of our 6 special education teachers. She is the case manager for our 17 kids. She was going through each child's needs. The more I heard, the greater the weight I was feeling on my shoulders.
At the end of the meeting, I felt myself getting sick. I was nauseous, and I even had to dash to the restroom to vomit. A panic/anxiety attack was in full force. I actually went into the school's clinic to lay down for a bit. I was just so overwhelmed by it all. At 3PM, I went home and curled up in a ball on my couch. Can you say "fetal position?"
The next morning, I could not get out of bed. I was emotionally frozen. I didn't want to move. Finally, around 9 AM, I was able to pull myself out of bed, into the shower, and then off to school. When I arrived at the school, I immediately went into my assistant principal's office to talk with her. She asked if I was okay. Apparently, I looked awful. I just shook my head that I wasn't okay, and at that point I broke down in her office.
She looked shocked. My AP couldn't figure out what was wrong. I told her that I was having such great doubt about my ability to be an effective teacher this year given the enormity of the number of kids in my class that are classified as special ed. (Did I mention some hallways don't have a single special education student?!?!) Donna (my AP) told me that we were selected for this group of kids because they had great faith in our abilities as teachers. They saw my test scores at the end of the last year, and knew I could get results from my special ed kids.
I finally calmed myself down and talk about the kids. I told her I would take it one day at a time.
I don't really want to get into all the information about my special ed kids, because the list is so lengthy. However, there is one that I want to share with you.
I was told I will have a 6th grade boy who has muscular distrophy (I cannot remember the specifics just yet). We were told that his condition had worsened over the past year. In fact, he had gained over 100 pounds in just the past 12 months due to his condition. We were told that doctors are giving him less than a year to live. They told us that his anger level has escalated as he has come to better understand the finality of his life. He has given up on academics.
I told my principal that the only fear I have ever had as a teacher is to have a student that I am teaching to pass away. I don't know how or if I would be able to handle it. I don't know if I could mentally and emotionally get myself under control to help care for my other kids. It sends chills down my spine just thinking about it now.
This was all last week. We had a meet and greet event last Thursday to get a preview of some of the kids and parents we would have this year. I have to admit that my anxiety level dropped after getting to meet some of the incredible kids that came to the meet and greet. It helped me prepare myself for today.
This morning, around 7:50 I received word that my MD student arrived at the school, and that he would soon be down my hall. From what I had heard before today, I was expecting a student in horrible shape who could barely get around. Boy was I surprised.
Jackson (name changed for anonymity) rolled into my classroom. He was obviously nervous. However, when he saw a student he knew, he began to relax and open up. Throughout the day he was participating in class, raising his hand, laughing, contributing, etc.
This was not the student I was expecting. I was shocked, but more than pleasantly surprised. I spoke to to his physical therapist who is now located at our school. She said she had not seen this side of Jackson. She was more than thrilled by this.
After school today I spoke with Donna about Jackson. She said she was also not expecting what she saw today. She spoke with Jackson outside at the buses this afternoon. He told her he was nervous this morning, but he was loving this school. He said he loved being in my class.
I will be honest with you...that right there made my day, week, and year. I was just happy to be able to make this kid smile and bring some semblance of joy to this kids life.
I was speaking with another colleague this evening, and she said it was amazing to think we never know why certain kids cross our classroom doorways. We don't know why we were the ones chosen to be in their lives. It really got me to thinking about why I became a teacher. I became a teacher because I wanted to make a difference in the lives of the children I meet and teach. I lost sight of that in the panic and anxiety of last week. Somehow, getting to meet Jackson today, and seeing how happy he was with us...even if only for a short time, really put it all into perspective. I know now that I will continue to do just that. I will work my butt off day in and day out to make sure my students get the very best education possible. I will be there for them when they need that extra bit of support and joy in their lives. With me, they will be protected and thrive in my care!
So, it was a rough start last week. However, today brought new surprises and a few miracles that I needed to see to know I am in the right place.
Till next time!
July 8, 2012
Greetings, friends!
What a week it has been. On Friday evening I arrived home from an 8-day trip to our nation's capital. I have been attending a conference with about 10,000 other teachers from across the country...and the world. We have had the best time, and there is so much to share. However, all in due time!
There is an aspect of my trip that I want to share with you.
As part of the teacher organization, we have a number of caucus groups that strive to have their agenda included within the operations, belief statements, and missions of our organization. I am a member of several caucuses because I believe in the work they do and the support they provide. One caucus, in particular, led to some pretty heavy discussions this week.
I am a member of the GLBT caucus within our organization. I joined the caucus because I believe in equal rights for ALL. (For this same reason, I am a member of other caucuses.) I also joined the caucus so that I could relate to other educators in the same boat as I.
During this year's assembly, there were a number of new business items that were written. I also discovered that the GLBT caucus had asked a few of them to be amended. One new business item that comes to mind was written so our organization would actively work to support ethnic minorities in education. However, it seemed that the GLBT caucus wanted protections for GLBTQ students/teachers included. There was a great amount of discussion around this new business item, much around the inclusion of the GLBTQ clause.
As an organization, our association has worked hard for protections for GLBTQ students and educators. This has been part of our association's business for a number of years. However, I found myself on the opposite side of the line against my caucus' position. There was an amendment that would change the clause from GLBTQ students and faculty to the word ALL. It was felt that the use of ALL would include everyone without singling out a specific group, especially since this original business item was meant for protection of ETHNIC minorities.
The reason I bring all of this up is a precursor to a conversation I had later that evening with my friend, Karen.
Karen is a fellow teacher from my school system here in Tennessee. We have been great friends for several years. In fact, I came out to her while we were attending this same conference several years ago when it was in San Diego. She has been there through the years, and vice versa. So, she tends to know me pretty well.
That evening, we decided to go to dinner and take a night walk through the national monuments. (It truly is the best way to experience them!) We went to dinner at a very yummy Indian cuisine restaurant in Georgetown. After dinner we walked to the Metro (aka the subway) and the talk ensued.
In our discussion, we were talking about the activities surrounding this new business item, and the GLBT caucus' bringing forth the amendment. I made a statement to Karen that I do not always agree with the members of the caucus. I made it a point that I am often times uncomfortable with the GLBT caucus always trying to push an agenda that could possibly alienate others.
Now, before anyone decides to chastise me for that statement, let me explain. I do believe in equal rights for everyone under the law. I also believe that beyond equal rights, I also believe that we all need to love and accept one another. I have found through the years that trying to force someone to accept you will never work.
Somehow this conversation led to a discussion of me being comfortable within the GLBT caucus and the GLBT community. The truth is that I am not comfortable. That is hard for me to say, because I know that some will take issue with that. However, please understand that I am still not comfortable within my own skin. I don't consider the fact that I am gay to be the driving identifier in my life. For some reason, I felt like that is driving force behind the caucus, and that has led to my discomfort with them.
I made a statement to Karen that really shook me up. I told her that although I identify myself as gay, I don't believe that I will ever find love with another guy. I told her I have resorted to the realization that I am destined to live my life alone and without a significant other. Even as I write this, I find it hard to read. It is, however, exactly how I feel about my life.
Does this make me sad? Yes, but only when I give it great thought. In reality, I have never felt romantic/emotional love for another. Would I know what it felt like if I had...I would hope so. But, to this point in life...no true feeling of love for another. Consequently, I have great love for my friends and family, but I don't feel that would be the same thing.
The discussion with Karen left me very sad and depressed that night. In common form, I resorted to keeping busy the next few days to avoid the issue. It is how I work through so many issues...I stay busy. In this instance, I had to go back to work with 10,000 other educators.
Why am I telling you all of this on my blog? I have no idea. It felt like a good idea to just get it off my chest.
Thanks for listening.
Joey
What a week it has been. On Friday evening I arrived home from an 8-day trip to our nation's capital. I have been attending a conference with about 10,000 other teachers from across the country...and the world. We have had the best time, and there is so much to share. However, all in due time!
There is an aspect of my trip that I want to share with you.
As part of the teacher organization, we have a number of caucus groups that strive to have their agenda included within the operations, belief statements, and missions of our organization. I am a member of several caucuses because I believe in the work they do and the support they provide. One caucus, in particular, led to some pretty heavy discussions this week.
I am a member of the GLBT caucus within our organization. I joined the caucus because I believe in equal rights for ALL. (For this same reason, I am a member of other caucuses.) I also joined the caucus so that I could relate to other educators in the same boat as I.
During this year's assembly, there were a number of new business items that were written. I also discovered that the GLBT caucus had asked a few of them to be amended. One new business item that comes to mind was written so our organization would actively work to support ethnic minorities in education. However, it seemed that the GLBT caucus wanted protections for GLBTQ students/teachers included. There was a great amount of discussion around this new business item, much around the inclusion of the GLBTQ clause.
As an organization, our association has worked hard for protections for GLBTQ students and educators. This has been part of our association's business for a number of years. However, I found myself on the opposite side of the line against my caucus' position. There was an amendment that would change the clause from GLBTQ students and faculty to the word ALL. It was felt that the use of ALL would include everyone without singling out a specific group, especially since this original business item was meant for protection of ETHNIC minorities.
The reason I bring all of this up is a precursor to a conversation I had later that evening with my friend, Karen.
Karen is a fellow teacher from my school system here in Tennessee. We have been great friends for several years. In fact, I came out to her while we were attending this same conference several years ago when it was in San Diego. She has been there through the years, and vice versa. So, she tends to know me pretty well.
That evening, we decided to go to dinner and take a night walk through the national monuments. (It truly is the best way to experience them!) We went to dinner at a very yummy Indian cuisine restaurant in Georgetown. After dinner we walked to the Metro (aka the subway) and the talk ensued.
In our discussion, we were talking about the activities surrounding this new business item, and the GLBT caucus' bringing forth the amendment. I made a statement to Karen that I do not always agree with the members of the caucus. I made it a point that I am often times uncomfortable with the GLBT caucus always trying to push an agenda that could possibly alienate others.
Now, before anyone decides to chastise me for that statement, let me explain. I do believe in equal rights for everyone under the law. I also believe that beyond equal rights, I also believe that we all need to love and accept one another. I have found through the years that trying to force someone to accept you will never work.
Somehow this conversation led to a discussion of me being comfortable within the GLBT caucus and the GLBT community. The truth is that I am not comfortable. That is hard for me to say, because I know that some will take issue with that. However, please understand that I am still not comfortable within my own skin. I don't consider the fact that I am gay to be the driving identifier in my life. For some reason, I felt like that is driving force behind the caucus, and that has led to my discomfort with them.
I made a statement to Karen that really shook me up. I told her that although I identify myself as gay, I don't believe that I will ever find love with another guy. I told her I have resorted to the realization that I am destined to live my life alone and without a significant other. Even as I write this, I find it hard to read. It is, however, exactly how I feel about my life.
Does this make me sad? Yes, but only when I give it great thought. In reality, I have never felt romantic/emotional love for another. Would I know what it felt like if I had...I would hope so. But, to this point in life...no true feeling of love for another. Consequently, I have great love for my friends and family, but I don't feel that would be the same thing.
The discussion with Karen left me very sad and depressed that night. In common form, I resorted to keeping busy the next few days to avoid the issue. It is how I work through so many issues...I stay busy. In this instance, I had to go back to work with 10,000 other educators.
Why am I telling you all of this on my blog? I have no idea. It felt like a good idea to just get it off my chest.
Thanks for listening.
Joey
Some music for your enjoyment!
June 9, 2012
New Addition to My Family
The school year has come and gone. Thank goodness! I am exhausted! However, life has still been busy. This past week began with me teaching my very first college course. I am officially an adjunct faculty member within the College of Education. I have been excited about this prospect, but I was also a nervous wreck. The first week has been a blast!
The weekend before the final week of school (2 weeks ago), I decided it was time to add to my family. Sadly, it also meant I had to let go of a very loyal and dedicated member of my family. I made the decision to finally let go of my beloved 2001 Pontiac Aztek.
I have had this vehicle since December of 2001 when my previous car decided to drop its transmission. It has been the best car I have ever had. My Aztek (which has loving been referred to as "The Short Bus" since I got it) had over 192,000 miles on it and had only been in the shop for minor repairs twice in 11 1/2 years. But, the time had come to let it go. Over the past few months the front windows were breaking down, I lost the glass on my passenger side mirror when I hit a plastic trash can, and the air conditioner decided to die a few weeks earlier. I knew it wasn't going to be long before I had to get back out there and purchase a vehicle. I just didn't plan on it being at the beginning of summer!
I went to the car dealer to look at the Jeep line. I don't know why I made that choice. Jeep had not even been on my radar until I drove a Jeep Patriot that I had rented for a business trip several months back. When I got to the dealer I test drove this 2012 Patriot. I loved the green color, and it rode very well. I decided to play Let's Make a Deal. After about an hour of back and forth on the price and the allowance for my trade-in, I decided I would not pursue the green Patriot. The payments were going to be too high for my salary. Yes, I had set a limit, and this was going to be substantially over that.
I knew they had a slightly used Patriot in excellent condition. I took it. The price was right (about $13,000 - $14,000 less that the green Patriot), and I will have it paid off in just 3 years! (That is the best part in my eyes!) I purchased an extended warranty to keep me covered for another 50,000 miles! So I reluctantly handed over the keys to the Short Bus and said goodbye to my wonderful friend. Then I got in my new vehicle and drove off the lot.
Here I am two weeks later, and I am loving my new baby, which I have decided to call Ruby...for obvious reasons. She is less room than my Aztek, but it was more than I needed anyway. I am loving the new color of my car. I am no longer in a very conspicuous yellow Aztek. I am now is a much more inconspicuous ruby-colored Patriot. I am harder to spot on the street. Everyone knew where I was at when I had the Aztek. It became part of my identity. Now I can traipse around town (and beyond) without worrying about being seen out in public.
This is a huge adjustment coming my way. I haven't had a car payment in 6 years. Now I am back in the debt pool, but the plan to pay it off in 3 years makes me feel better.
I guess we can say that this is my birthday present to myself. (For those of you keeping track, my birthday is in 15 days...June 24th!)
So everyone, please say hello to the new woman in my life...RUBY!
The weekend before the final week of school (2 weeks ago), I decided it was time to add to my family. Sadly, it also meant I had to let go of a very loyal and dedicated member of my family. I made the decision to finally let go of my beloved 2001 Pontiac Aztek.
 |
| Yes, my Aztek really was this color! |
I knew they had a slightly used Patriot in excellent condition. I took it. The price was right (about $13,000 - $14,000 less that the green Patriot), and I will have it paid off in just 3 years! (That is the best part in my eyes!) I purchased an extended warranty to keep me covered for another 50,000 miles! So I reluctantly handed over the keys to the Short Bus and said goodbye to my wonderful friend. Then I got in my new vehicle and drove off the lot.
This is a huge adjustment coming my way. I haven't had a car payment in 6 years. Now I am back in the debt pool, but the plan to pay it off in 3 years makes me feel better.
I guess we can say that this is my birthday present to myself. (For those of you keeping track, my birthday is in 15 days...June 24th!)
So everyone, please say hello to the new woman in my life...RUBY!
May 22, 2012
I AM HERE!
My dear friends -
I know that I have been away from so many of you for a while now. I cannot offer up any valid excuse except to say that life has been flying by at an incredible pace. I am sincerely sorry that I have neglected our friendship over the past year. It was not intentional. I truly value and need your friendship. It just appears that I have not been the best friend to any of you! I am so utterly sorry for that!
I have been in survival mode over the past months...well, since about September. Being our education association's leader has taken a toll on me over the past three years. This year has been the hardest. It seems that I am daily dealing with legislative issues, meetings with legislators, meetings with teachers and administration, giving interviews with members of the press, representing educators in meetings, fighting a ridiculously-flawed evaluation system, talking with our legal services team, and so much more. Somewhere in there I have also been working my butt off to make sure my students get the best education possible. Yes, on top of representing all the educators in our area and across the state, I am still first and foremost a teacher to my 75 middle schoolers.
I have been insanely focused on making sure everyone in our school system and state has been take care of, I have neglected one very important person in my life...myself! I leave the house each day before sunrise, and I typically don't get home until around sundown. Once my school day ends I am usually traveling to this meeting and that meeting for a variety of reasons. My calendar rarely has an empty spot! What I have not been finding time for is self-preservation and enjoyment of life.
What sort of toll has this taken on me? Because I am on the go all the time, I literally will crash as soon as I get home in the evenings. When I should be going to work out or getting out with friends, I find myself passed out on the couch. My body has been playing catch up on sleep whenever it can. Of course, this leads to one of the most embarrassing effects...weight gain. I have truly neglected my weight loss plan, and it has shown. This also leads to the depression I have been feeling this year. Yes, I am well aware that I have been in some type of "funk" from time to time. My typical defense mechanism against depression is to get out there and keep myself busy. Keeping busy has not been a problem.
With the summer coming up, I am making it my goal to get back on the weight loss plan and to get myself out of this "funk."
So, to sum it all up in a Readers' Digest version, it has been a difficult, busy, and very trying year. However, I am fully dedicated to fixing it all!
I will write more as life slows down for the summer months. Thanks for sticking by me.
Love to you all! I miss each and every one of you!
Joey
I know that I have been away from so many of you for a while now. I cannot offer up any valid excuse except to say that life has been flying by at an incredible pace. I am sincerely sorry that I have neglected our friendship over the past year. It was not intentional. I truly value and need your friendship. It just appears that I have not been the best friend to any of you! I am so utterly sorry for that!
I have been in survival mode over the past months...well, since about September. Being our education association's leader has taken a toll on me over the past three years. This year has been the hardest. It seems that I am daily dealing with legislative issues, meetings with legislators, meetings with teachers and administration, giving interviews with members of the press, representing educators in meetings, fighting a ridiculously-flawed evaluation system, talking with our legal services team, and so much more. Somewhere in there I have also been working my butt off to make sure my students get the best education possible. Yes, on top of representing all the educators in our area and across the state, I am still first and foremost a teacher to my 75 middle schoolers.
I have been insanely focused on making sure everyone in our school system and state has been take care of, I have neglected one very important person in my life...myself! I leave the house each day before sunrise, and I typically don't get home until around sundown. Once my school day ends I am usually traveling to this meeting and that meeting for a variety of reasons. My calendar rarely has an empty spot! What I have not been finding time for is self-preservation and enjoyment of life.
What sort of toll has this taken on me? Because I am on the go all the time, I literally will crash as soon as I get home in the evenings. When I should be going to work out or getting out with friends, I find myself passed out on the couch. My body has been playing catch up on sleep whenever it can. Of course, this leads to one of the most embarrassing effects...weight gain. I have truly neglected my weight loss plan, and it has shown. This also leads to the depression I have been feeling this year. Yes, I am well aware that I have been in some type of "funk" from time to time. My typical defense mechanism against depression is to get out there and keep myself busy. Keeping busy has not been a problem.
With the summer coming up, I am making it my goal to get back on the weight loss plan and to get myself out of this "funk."
So, to sum it all up in a Readers' Digest version, it has been a difficult, busy, and very trying year. However, I am fully dedicated to fixing it all!
I will write more as life slows down for the summer months. Thanks for sticking by me.
Love to you all! I miss each and every one of you!
Joey
May 21, 2012
February 12, 2012
A Mother's Love
Greetings, friends!
Yes, I am still alive! Yes, I am still here! Life has had me on the proverbial hamster wheel over the past month and a half. I have been on the go...non-stop! But, I thought I would take a few moments and post this tonight.
Today is my mother's 58th birthday. (Don't you dare tell her I told you her age! She would kill me!) Yesterday, I was out shopping, and I stopped to pick up my mom a birthday card. I spent at least 15 minutes in the that blasted birthday card section looking over an immeasurable number of cards trying to find the right one. I couldn't find a card that matched my mother.
All of these cards talk about how much a mother has been there for her kids throughout their lives...they didn't work! Some talked about the memories a mother has given her children as they were growing up...those didn't work either. Every one I looked at were for mothers who have been in their children's lives throughout the years. None of them matched! I became increasingly frustrated as I read each card. I finally threw up my hands and just stopped in my tracks. Then, it happened...
I began to break down and cry in the middle of the birthday card section!
Thankfully, no one was around to see this moment of weakness. I could not believe that this had hit me in such a manner. I finally got myself composed before anyone could see me, and then I walked out of the store.
As I stood there in the store, I realized that I never have had the type of mother-son relationship that I have always wanted in my life. It is the biggest aspect of my life that has haunted me for years.
My parents divorced when I was 5. I can remember the arguments and yelling between my parents. I can still remember on specific scene where I was hiding in my favorite spot under the bar/counter between the kitchen and dining room. I was hid in the corner, and my parents came into the kitchen. They were yelling at each other at the top of their lungs. I remember sitting in that corner trying not to cry and be heard. I remember it tearing me up. Like many young kids, I truly thought my parents split because of me. It took me many years to realize it had nothing to do with me.
When my parents divorced, my father won full custody of my brother and me. I never lived with my mother again! From age 5 up to about age 20, I had an almost non-existent relationship with my mother. If I was lucky, I would get to see her for a day or two at Christmas. That was it. There were spans of time when I did not see her for a couple of years. As a kid, I would often ask a ton of questions as to why I could not see my mother, why my mother wasn't around, etc. The only problem was that we were not allowed to speak of my mother or the divorce. This was not my father's rule. It was the law of my paternal grandmother. She was the boss of the family, and everyone fell in line.
I was left without a mother in my life! Growing up, I found myself to be extremely jealous of my friends who had their mothers in their lives. They had the one thing I wanted most but could never have. Even now, I find myself envious of my friends and their moms. I see their relationships with one another. While I am happy for them, I cannot help but long for that. It will never go away!
Since college, I have been working on improving my relationship with my mother. We talk and see each other a few times each year now, but most of the time it is at my initiation of contact. I see so much of myself in my mother. It explains so much as to why I have always felt like the black sheep of the family all these years. I have never had anyone in my life to whom I could compare. I now know that I inherited most of my personality and traits from my mother. She is that missing link in my life!
I know my mother loves me. It is pretty evident when we are together. I fear that she does not know how to really be a mother to her children. I also wonder if the reason she does not contact me is that she feels some level of guilt for leaving us behind so many years ago.
I will admit that I have tons of fear when it comes to my mother. I am afraid that our relationship is fragile and can be broken easily. I am afraid to let her into to too many details of my life for fear that she may want to end any relationship with me. I am afraid that if we go back to having absolutely no relationship I will be at a loss. I fear that it may send me into a state of depression that I haven't ever seen. YES, I AM AFRAID!
So here we are...back in the isle of the card store. There I stand, distraught and confused! I had planned on going to try another store for a birthday card today, but I didn't even chance it. I will have to go tomorrow to get her a card. I cannot let her birthday go by without a card from her son!
Thanks for listening!
Joey
Today is my mother's 58th birthday. (Don't you dare tell her I told you her age! She would kill me!) Yesterday, I was out shopping, and I stopped to pick up my mom a birthday card. I spent at least 15 minutes in the that blasted birthday card section looking over an immeasurable number of cards trying to find the right one. I couldn't find a card that matched my mother.
I began to break down and cry in the middle of the birthday card section!
As I stood there in the store, I realized that I never have had the type of mother-son relationship that I have always wanted in my life. It is the biggest aspect of my life that has haunted me for years.
My parents divorced when I was 5. I can remember the arguments and yelling between my parents. I can still remember on specific scene where I was hiding in my favorite spot under the bar/counter between the kitchen and dining room. I was hid in the corner, and my parents came into the kitchen. They were yelling at each other at the top of their lungs. I remember sitting in that corner trying not to cry and be heard. I remember it tearing me up. Like many young kids, I truly thought my parents split because of me. It took me many years to realize it had nothing to do with me.
I was left without a mother in my life! Growing up, I found myself to be extremely jealous of my friends who had their mothers in their lives. They had the one thing I wanted most but could never have. Even now, I find myself envious of my friends and their moms. I see their relationships with one another. While I am happy for them, I cannot help but long for that. It will never go away!
I know my mother loves me. It is pretty evident when we are together. I fear that she does not know how to really be a mother to her children. I also wonder if the reason she does not contact me is that she feels some level of guilt for leaving us behind so many years ago.
I will admit that I have tons of fear when it comes to my mother. I am afraid that our relationship is fragile and can be broken easily. I am afraid to let her into to too many details of my life for fear that she may want to end any relationship with me. I am afraid that if we go back to having absolutely no relationship I will be at a loss. I fear that it may send me into a state of depression that I haven't ever seen. YES, I AM AFRAID!
Thanks for listening!
Joey
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)