I don;t even know how many of you still check out this blog. I haven't posted anything in almost one full year. Life has been going, as usual, full speed ahead. I sometimes find it difficult to just slow down and smell the proverbial roses. I had given considerable thought to shutting down this blog, but for some unknown reasons I cannot bring myself to delete it all. So, I decided I needed to write today.
Why is it that some people can cry at the drop of a hat, while others rarely are able to shed a tear?
I find myself to be one of those in the latter category. I cannot cry. There have been times in laugh where I have needed to cry, but I find myself unable to get over that threshold. The last time I remember genuinely crying was at the funeral of my paternal grandmother. She died nine years ago yesterday. Since then, I cannot recall a scenario or situation in which I was genuinely shedding tears.
Is there something wrong with me? I have built up such an emotional barricade that I cannot let it down to feel and express sadness, sorrow, etc?
Granted, I have forged myself one might Chinese wall when it comes to my emotions. They are not something I let show very often, especially in public. Being a teacher, I have to come to school being the happy teacher. I must give that daily for my students. However, there are things playing out in life that bother me, but I do not let them show. I have become a master of holding back emotion.
My Lord, I have become Spock! Even Spock had an emotional breakdown from time to time. I haven't reached that point yet. I tend to find other outlets to release that anger, sadness, fear, etc. The problem over the past year is that the outlet of choosing has been food. I have gorged on it just to try and make up for the lack of emotion in my life. It got way out of control. All of the weight I worked hard to lose 7 or 8 years ago has returned with a vengeance. (Granted, I am working to get that weight back off. Already, I am down 20 pounds, but a long way still to go.)
To my friends and colleagues, I appear as a tower of strength. However, it has all been crumbling down internally for a while. I just have no outlet in which to express it. Sounds like it is time to once again call up the therapist and make an appointment. Haven't done that in about 7 years. It is time to let it all out.
Anyway, back to the crying and my lack of emotions. What I wouldn't give to just breakdown for about an hour and have a good, old fashioned cry. I just need to know that I can once again feel emotions I have suppressed for so long. This is going to sound pitiful of me, but here goes. Lately I find myself watching YouTube videos of soldier homecomings. Specifically, soldiers returning to their kids. The tear at my heart, and I often come close to crying. Sadly, all I typically get out is one or two tears.
What I am fearful of most is that I have shut down my emotions to the point that it is shutting people out. My best friend, Jenny, moved to Florida over a year ago, and I haven't spoken with her except once or twice since then. I think I shut it all out so as not to get upset by the fact that my dearest friend is now over 12 hours away. I have even cut off friends that are closer in proximity to me (Mandi, Mikeal, Dean, Callie, Lynne, and the list goes on and on and on).
Furthermore, what if my emotional Chinese wall never comes down, and I miss out on finding my future husband and kids? I try to see that in my future, but it is blocked from my view. Have I gone too far in my life to hope for kids? How about the husband? I certainly don't want to go through this adventure of life alone. Where's the fun in that? A life is meant to be shared with someone. I am tired of this Chinese wall keeping me single and reclusive.
I fear that I have gotten off topic, so please forgive me. There is just this flurry of emotions trying to break free from the Chinese wall I have spent my lifetime building. Sometimes a little of it breaks through, but it is rare. It has certainly been trying its best to get over the wall this weekend.
Where does this leave me? The honest answer would be I have absolutely no idea. I know that I need to work on breaking down the emotional barrier I have built up all my life. It doesn't matter anymore why it was built in the first place. All that matters now is that I break down this wall and finally open up my life. I need to have the courage to step out and meet people. I need to have the courage to love and to be loved in return.
I need to finally man up and think about what my future is going to hold. Will I be in my current location? Will I move to a bigger city? Will I go back to school and get my Education Specialist degree in Administration? Will I continue to seek leadership roles instead of taking the time to just be part of the team? Will I meet someone special and share our lives together? Will I finally get the chance to adopt a couple kids? Will I be a good parent? Will I be half the father my dad was to me?
So, has all of this emotional defensive strategy work I have done throughout the years left me an emotionless wreck? Do I have any hope for the future. I am hoping the answer is that I have time to make changes so that what I fear most will not happen. I cannot fail at this. There is too much at stake.
Thanks for listening, and I apologize (to anyone who may stumble upon this posting) for the randomness and overreacting I have done. Love you all!
-J-
PS...Before I go, I wanted to share the following picture. This afternoon I was feeling restless (as you can see by the post above) and decided to drive up into the mountains. Felt like I was on top of the world!
