Greetings, friends!
Yes, I am still alive! Yes, I am still here! Life has had me on the proverbial hamster wheel over the past month and a half. I have been on the go...non-stop! But, I thought I would take a few moments and post this tonight.
Today is my mother's 58th birthday. (Don't you dare tell her I told you her age! She would kill me!) Yesterday, I was out shopping, and I stopped to pick up my mom a birthday card. I spent at least 15 minutes in the that blasted birthday card section looking over an immeasurable number of cards trying to find the right one. I couldn't find a card that matched my mother.
All of these cards talk about how much a mother has been there for her kids throughout their lives...they didn't work! Some talked about the memories a mother has given her children as they were growing up...those didn't work either. Every one I looked at were for mothers who have been in their children's lives throughout the years. None of them matched! I became increasingly frustrated as I read each card. I finally threw up my hands and just stopped in my tracks. Then, it happened...
I began to break down and cry in the middle of the birthday card section!
Thankfully, no one was around to see this moment of weakness. I could not believe that this had hit me in such a manner. I finally got myself composed before anyone could see me, and then I walked out of the store.
As I stood there in the store, I realized that I never have had the type of mother-son relationship that I have always wanted in my life. It is the biggest aspect of my life that has haunted me for years.
My parents divorced when I was 5. I can remember the arguments and yelling between my parents. I can still remember on specific scene where I was hiding in my favorite spot under the bar/counter between the kitchen and dining room. I was hid in the corner, and my parents came into the kitchen. They were yelling at each other at the top of their lungs. I remember sitting in that corner trying not to cry and be heard. I remember it tearing me up. Like many young kids, I truly thought my parents split because of me. It took me many years to realize it had nothing to do with me.
When my parents divorced, my father won full custody of my brother and me. I never lived with my mother again! From age 5 up to about age 20, I had an almost non-existent relationship with my mother. If I was lucky, I would get to see her for a day or two at Christmas. That was it. There were spans of time when I did not see her for a couple of years. As a kid, I would often ask a ton of questions as to why I could not see my mother, why my mother wasn't around, etc. The only problem was that we were not allowed to speak of my mother or the divorce. This was not my father's rule. It was the law of my paternal grandmother. She was the boss of the family, and everyone fell in line.
I was left without a mother in my life! Growing up, I found myself to be extremely jealous of my friends who had their mothers in their lives. They had the one thing I wanted most but could never have. Even now, I find myself envious of my friends and their moms. I see their relationships with one another. While I am happy for them, I cannot help but long for that. It will never go away!
Since college, I have been working on improving my relationship with my mother. We talk and see each other a few times each year now, but most of the time it is at my initiation of contact. I see so much of myself in my mother. It explains so much as to why I have always felt like the black sheep of the family all these years. I have never had anyone in my life to whom I could compare. I now know that I inherited most of my personality and traits from my mother. She is that missing link in my life!
I know my mother loves me. It is pretty evident when we are together. I fear that she does not know how to really be a mother to her children. I also wonder if the reason she does not contact me is that she feels some level of guilt for leaving us behind so many years ago.
I will admit that I have tons of fear when it comes to my mother. I am afraid that our relationship is fragile and can be broken easily. I am afraid to let her into to too many details of my life for fear that she may want to end any relationship with me. I am afraid that if we go back to having absolutely no relationship I will be at a loss. I fear that it may send me into a state of depression that I haven't ever seen. YES, I AM AFRAID!
So here we are...back in the isle of the card store. There I stand, distraught and confused! I had planned on going to try another store for a birthday card today, but I didn't even chance it. I will have to go tomorrow to get her a card. I cannot let her birthday go by without a card from her son!
Thanks for listening!
Joey
