Summer is over! School is back in session!
That's right. We began our new school year today. The past week leading up to this day have been a roller coaster of emotions. I am always excited to begin a new school year. New kids...new parents...new adventures!
Last week, I learned that my teammate and I will have 17 special education students on our team of just 50 kids. That means that approximately 1 in 3 of my kids have a learning disability or other disability that affects their learning. Last Tuesday I was going into panic mode at this discovery. My teammate and I met with one of our 6 special education teachers. She is the case manager for our 17 kids. She was going through each child's needs. The more I heard, the greater the weight I was feeling on my shoulders.
At the end of the meeting, I felt myself getting sick. I was nauseous, and I even had to dash to the restroom to vomit. A panic/anxiety attack was in full force. I actually went into the school's clinic to lay down for a bit. I was just so overwhelmed by it all. At 3PM, I went home and curled up in a ball on my couch. Can you say "fetal position?"
The next morning, I could not get out of bed. I was emotionally frozen. I didn't want to move. Finally, around 9 AM, I was able to pull myself out of bed, into the shower, and then off to school. When I arrived at the school, I immediately went into my assistant principal's office to talk with her. She asked if I was okay. Apparently, I looked awful. I just shook my head that I wasn't okay, and at that point I broke down in her office.
She looked shocked. My AP couldn't figure out what was wrong. I told her that I was having such great doubt about my ability to be an effective teacher this year given the enormity of the number of kids in my class that are classified as special ed. (Did I mention some hallways don't have a single special education student?!?!) Donna (my AP) told me that we were selected for this group of kids because they had great faith in our abilities as teachers. They saw my test scores at the end of the last year, and knew I could get results from my special ed kids.
I finally calmed myself down and talk about the kids. I told her I would take it one day at a time.
I don't really want to get into all the information about my special ed kids, because the list is so lengthy. However, there is one that I want to share with you.
I was told I will have a 6th grade boy who has muscular distrophy (I cannot remember the specifics just yet). We were told that his condition had worsened over the past year. In fact, he had gained over 100 pounds in just the past 12 months due to his condition. We were told that doctors are giving him less than a year to live. They told us that his anger level has escalated as he has come to better understand the finality of his life. He has given up on academics.
I told my principal that the only fear I have ever had as a teacher is to have a student that I am teaching to pass away. I don't know how or if I would be able to handle it. I don't know if I could mentally and emotionally get myself under control to help care for my other kids. It sends chills down my spine just thinking about it now.
This was all last week. We had a meet and greet event last Thursday to get a preview of some of the kids and parents we would have this year. I have to admit that my anxiety level dropped after getting to meet some of the incredible kids that came to the meet and greet. It helped me prepare myself for today.
This morning, around 7:50 I received word that my MD student arrived at the school, and that he would soon be down my hall. From what I had heard before today, I was expecting a student in horrible shape who could barely get around. Boy was I surprised.
Jackson (name changed for anonymity) rolled into my classroom. He was obviously nervous. However, when he saw a student he knew, he began to relax and open up. Throughout the day he was participating in class, raising his hand, laughing, contributing, etc.
This was not the student I was expecting. I was shocked, but more than pleasantly surprised. I spoke to to his physical therapist who is now located at our school. She said she had not seen this side of Jackson. She was more than thrilled by this.
After school today I spoke with Donna about Jackson. She said she was also not expecting what she saw today. She spoke with Jackson outside at the buses this afternoon. He told her he was nervous this morning, but he was loving this school. He said he loved being in my class.
I will be honest with you...that right there made my day, week, and year. I was just happy to be able to make this kid smile and bring some semblance of joy to this kids life.
I was speaking with another colleague this evening, and she said it was amazing to think we never know why certain kids cross our classroom doorways. We don't know why we were the ones chosen to be in their lives. It really got me to thinking about why I became a teacher. I became a teacher because I wanted to make a difference in the lives of the children I meet and teach. I lost sight of that in the panic and anxiety of last week. Somehow, getting to meet Jackson today, and seeing how happy he was with us...even if only for a short time, really put it all into perspective. I know now that I will continue to do just that. I will work my butt off day in and day out to make sure my students get the very best education possible. I will be there for them when they need that extra bit of support and joy in their lives. With me, they will be protected and thrive in my care!
So, it was a rough start last week. However, today brought new surprises and a few miracles that I needed to see to know I am in the right place.
Till next time!
