Apologies All Around

I feel the need to apologize to everyone. There are times when I step outside of my life and take a look at it. Last night happened to be one of those times. I did not mean to sound like I was in a desperate state. In fact, I was following my thoughts to their logical ends. I felt the need to air it out and actually see what my thoughts were. Sometimes it is better for me to see if written out. I did not realize how I really felt about it all.

In particular, I feel the need to apologize to M. I hope that you don't think that your question during our discussion has sent me spiraling down. In fact, I think that because of our conversation I was able to take a closer look at myself. I appreciate gifts life that. So, thanks!

Yes I seem to be withdrawing into old habits of throwing myself into my career and volunteer work. M and Chris both have pointed out to me that I need to probably step back a bit and find a way to enjoy my life. I agree with them 100%. I do enjoy the parts of my life that I do live. I love being a teacher. Working with the kids I have brings such joy into my life. The volunteer work I do involves working with students from grades 4 through 12 from all over the state. When I get the chance to work with this group, I feel even greater joy. They are some of the most terrific examples of our future, and they are constantly giving me hope for it.

But, obviously, there are areas of my life where I am missing out.

I do live alone. While I enjoy the privacy and peacefulness it provides, I find that there are times (more and more frequently lately) where I long to have someone in my life.

I don't get out much any more. I used to get out at every possible opportunity. I cannot recall the point where I became such a hermit. I suppose it ties back in to my living alone.

The more I think about pursuing a relationship, the faster I go to that fear corner I have come so accustomed to hiding in lately. Chris made a great point today when he said "The best part about coming out to myself is knowing that God loves you perfectly. Not for who you think you should be but for who you are. in his most perfect way." The more I thought about that statement the more it helped me realize that perhaps I am not completely come out to myself. What I mean is that I have come out to myself, but have I whole-heartedly accepted who I am? The fact that I can ask that questions tell me that I have not.

Now my task is to take the time to examine why I have not completely accepted who I am. Wow, it feels like starting at square one again. I will certainly keep everyone posted as this journey seems to take a somewhat new path I was not expecting.

I am inspired by the people I have met on here. Each of you adds some component to my life that I need. Obviously you were brought into my life for a reason. The more I read, the more I am inspired and uplifted. So thanks to all of you.

Life is getting better...one step at a time.

I am grateful and feel the love!
- JC