It's All About Making Progress

I wanted to start by saying that I have gotten to email/chat/interact with some new fellow bloggers. Their stories are simply incredible. Several of the blogs I have actually read in their entirety this week...one of the benefits of having 9 days off for fall break.

I know that I can get down at times and complain. We all do it, don't we? After reading a couple of specific blogs, I soon realize that my struggles and issues tend to pale in comparison to my brothers-in-arms.

I also received an email last night from one of the bloggers that I had recently discovered. (You know who you are.) I got a little freaked out when being asked if I actually lived in Tennessee (I do!) and if so, where did I live (I did reveal that in my response). What I did not realize when I was looking on this particular blog was that he was also in Tennessee. I calmed down when he made a point to say that if I did not how "out" I was, so if I wanted to keep my anonimity that would be cool too. That took me a bit to think about it. Discovered that we live in different areas of the state. So, I resonded and tried to introduce myself briefly. I also tried to explain how I found his blog. That took a bit of work. At some point, I may share that too.

Sounds like a really cool possibility for a good friendship. We can all use more of those, right? I know I am being very vague right now. Forgive me for that. Since we have only initially communicated, I am not comfortable linking his blog without approval.

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I mentioned in the previous posts that the death and response to the death of Stephen Gately hit me pretty hard, and quite unexpectedly. Today was the funeral service in Dublin. It was not televised, so no one except the family and friends got to witness it. The song above, "In This Life" was sung by Stephens bandmate and best friend, Ronan Keating, at the request of Stephen's mother.

I have listened to this song several times today and it has just been tugging at the ole heartstrings.

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OKAY, THE REAL REASON FOR THIS UPDATE

Over the week I have had the opportunity to really get into and discover lots in dozens of blogs. This week I became inspired. Having read about several of our bloggers/friends coming out to their families, I decided it was time for me to take another step as well. That bit of courage came yesterday for me.

I decided that it was time to explain to so many of my friends why I have been so distant in the past 2 years or so. I racked my brain deciding what would be the best way to do this. Ultimately, I decided email was going to be my friend today. (Efficiency was also the name of the game!)

I took about and hour or two and constructed this letter. Everything I wanted to say just poured out into that email. Once I finally was satisfied with what I had writted, and did the spell/grammar check, I had to figure out who I was outting myself to today. I did what any self respecting person would do...open my address book and just start choosing.

I skipped all my family members. (I am still working up to that one. Maybe this week.) I chose only two teachers in my school system in whom I have complete faith and trust. Finally, I chose close friends and old college ones as well.

Once all of that was done, and I was ready to send the email...I froze. I paused and began to shake. It was no ordinary tremble. I was shaking vigorously. It was FEAR! I just couldn't hit the button. It took me about 5 minutes of just sitting at my desk and breathing. I finally just said "to heck with it" and pushed "send."

Instead of waiting around the computer all night, I ended up going to dinner at a friend's house. My friend, Susan, is a substitute teacher in our district. She is the absolute best, and we have developed this wonderful friendship over the past few years. Dinner was this incredible marinated and baked chicken over noodles and alfredo sauce. It was wonderful. I spent about 3 hours with Susan and her husband. They have led an incredible life and have traveled the world. He husband was in the pastorate, and did many of his years in Europe, Africa, and South America. Honestly, I enjoyed the adult conversation.

When I got back home I went straight for my computer and my email account. I had a number of responses on there. I later discovered a barrage on my phone, too. I am extremely happy to say that it was all positive comments. I have discovered that I have the best friends anyone could ever have. They kept telling me how much they loved me and will always be there for me. It was exactly what I needed to hear.

I am making my way out of this cramped closet! I still have a few extremely close friends and my family to inform. The friends that I chose not to tell are those that worry me the most. I haven't decided if I am going to do a letter, a phone call, or talk with them in person. Either way it will be hard.

In a big surprise to myself, I am not so worried about my family anymore. Yes, my mother is the exception to the rule. I am sad to say she will probably be the last to know. That saddens me a bit, but I need to figure it all out first.

One last thing, and I promise to stop. Once part of my life that I don't always talk about is my religious beliefs and my relationship with God. It is difficult to admit at times. About two years ago I came to a crossroads where I needed to know how my sexuality and my Christianity would fit together. I prayed every night for God to take this away from me or to help me seek the answers I desperately needed. I was getting no answers, and I became more frustrated. It came to a point where I was yelling at God every night. I was just mad. At some point in all of that yelling, I calmed and just decided to listen. The answers I sought came to me in the form of music. (Music plays a big role in my life.) Once I took in what was being presented to me, I was able to see what God was telling me. I knew I was loved and that He knew me. That was exactly what I needed to know. For the first time in my life, I feel closer to God than I ever had. There is no more hiding.

The reason I bring this up is because this afternoon I was driving through the mountains to look at the foliage changing. Somewhere I was just in awe of what I saw. I decided to just send a quick prayer of thanks for what I was seeing and for just helping me through these rough couple of years. Just then every hair on my body stood up...goosebumps! I knew what it meant.

So today is a very good day for me. I cannot believe how everything progressed, but I feel very fortunate to have so many great people in my corner...that includes all of you who I have met or have yet to meet. Whether you know it or not, you have become my greatest support system in this adventure. Thanks to all of you.

Till next time.

- JC