The Actualy Tears are Here

As I have hinted to in the past, I don't tend to cry...at all! Well, today that is changing.

On of my favorite school parents has been texting me today about my decision to leave my school. Melissa is the mother of my all-time favorite student. Consequently, she is my all-time favorite parent, too. She really has become a great friend. She told me she only wants what is best for me.

What she said next sent me over the edge.

"The world would be a better place if you were a teacher."

That's right, America, I am sitting here now shedding some huge tears.

I am feeling such utter guilt for wanting to leave my students, my school, my profession. I wish I could verbally express how much these kids and parents have meant to my life, but I don't have the words in me right now.

Am I abandoning these kids? Sometimes it really feels like it. Sometimes I will just be sitting around and I will begin to think how hard it is going to be to tell these kids I will be leaving. How are they going to react? How will I be able to go on teaching them during those last few weeks? How will I not cry myself into the psychiatric hospital?

The funny part of this is that I haven't been offered this new job yet. That decision won't be made for two more weeks. Essentially, I am working myself up.

Okay, so moving back to this mother. She and I have been texting for a good 30 minutes. We both just sat here and admitted that the only reason we are texting and not talking is that we are both crying about this. (What a bunch of saps we are.)

What is causing the tears to not stop is the fact she just told me she revealed this news to her son. She said he has cried over this...a lot! (Her words, not mine.) Do you know what that does to a teacher? To cause pain to a student? This is my student who was sent to St. Jude Hospital this year with the platelet disorder. Remember those posts??? The student who I thought might die. That was him and his mother. Imagine the pain I am feeling right now knowing I caused him more pain this year. He doesn't deserve that.

Now I got a message telling me that I was this mother's hope for her other two sons.

See, it is students and parents like this that make life worth living. They are also the ones that make my decision that much more difficult to make.

All I can do right now is just pray about it. I have decided that God can take control of this one. I cannot do it on my own.

Alright, pass the tissue over here. I need it!

Man, the tears just continue to flow. Ugh!