I was chatting with M online tonight. We got into this discussion of how life is going for me being a gay man. I tried as best as I could to explain my life. I said that I only accepted the fact that I am gay about 2 years ago. I have only been out to people for a year to a year and a half, and still not out to others. I have only dated one guy, and that only lasted about a month. Basically, he could not handle the insanely busy schedule that I keep. I am constantly on the go, so I don't really have time to deal with having a relationship or being alone.
M asked me if that is LIVING. Instantly I remembered a line from the movie "The Family That Preys" (By the way, if you get a chance check out this movie. It is a Tyler Perry movie, but one of his dramas. The cast includes Kathy Bates, Alfree Woodard, Tyler Perry, and others. It is a great cast. The movie is incredible and worth the time.) The line from the movie is a question that Alfree Woodard remembers Kathy Bates asks her. She says "Alice Evans...are you livin' or are you existin'?"
It is exactly the point M was trying to make.
As I thought about it, I knew the answer was that I am just existin'.
As with everything else in my life, I basically throw myself in my career and volunteer work. By staying so extremely busy I don't have to deal with anything else. My days consist of going to the school, teaching kids, meetings after school, workout, home for a short nap if needed, off to my office to work on more school stuff, laundry, clean house, etc.
I know I have mentioned this in my other posts, but I don't have a chance to go out and date in my area. The biggest reason is that every time I go out somewhere I will see someone that I know. I will see students, former students, parents of former students, other teachers, or whoever. My fear is that if it discovered that I am gay man teaching in a middle school there might be parents who would pull their students out of my classes or out of the school. I live in a very sounthern, uber-conservative part of the country. It may sound paranoid, but I have seen parents use this against a colleague of mine to try and get them fired. Just a bit of FYI, this colleague did not get fired. The principal stood up and said that we are not going there. I know I would have the support of my fellow teachers and administration, but I don't won't to go down that road.
Because of these fears I have, I make a choice not to go out and socialize with other gay men. I don't do clubs and I definitely don't do hookups. It's just not me. I suppose you could say it goes back to my conservative and religious upbringing. I simply choose not to act on these feelings I have. It seems I am choosing to remain single.
Well, maybe...
I wouldn't say that I am making the single life my choice. I am simply choosing not to get out there and meet people. I am always finding excuses to not go out...work, exhaustion, work, etc.
Before anyone asks, YES it is lonely at times. (more and more often, as a matter of fact) How do I handle the lonliness? I work, go hiking, clean the house from top to bottom, random road trips. It is a vicious cycle, isn't it?
Believe me, I have days where I crave closeness, conversation, affection (I did not say sex, thank you!), and an emotional connection. Heck, all I want is the chance to hold hands with, hug, or cuddle up next to someone on the couch during a movie. And sadly, writing this just makes it worse.
During our discussion, M asked me if I had ever thought I could get married to a woman. In truth, I was once engaged to an incredible girl. I honestly loved her, but in the end I broke off the engagement. No worries, she is living a wonderful life as a college professor in a southern college. She is happy!
In recent years I have also had thoughts of what if I decided to persue a relationship with my best friend, Cal. Cal and I have been best friends since the 6th grade. We have been through an awful lot together over the past 20 years or so. I know our families have pretty much expected we would end up dating and getting married. I won't lie to you...I think we have ALL thought the same thing. Last year, she told me that if I was interested in dating her that she would be open to it. I told her I wasn't ready for that at the moment but I would think about it further. I hated to let her down like that. I did not want to hurt her. I actually could see us married with kids. I love her family...I refer to her parents as "Mom and Dad." My family loves her too. So the question is why don't I give it a chance? The answer is that I don't know that I can put her through the fact that I am attracted to men. It would destroy her. I love her too much to let that happen.
Am I crazy? Could I not have a marriage with her? I just don't think I could do it! What would happen if I became attracted to a guy while I was married to Cal? Ultimately, I just don't know how our marriage would succeed when there are obvious needs we cannot meet for each other.
I hope I am not offending anyone. I am just thinking outloud for my situation. I know that there are couples who are constantly working through this very situation. I have been reading several blogs from these couples. I am amazed at how they keep their marriages successful. But, in the case of me and Cal, I don't think either of us is strong enough to do that.
So now I am back to square one...do I live a life of solitude, do I persue a relationship with a guy, do I to fall in love with a girl and get married? What am I to do?
The answer is I DON'T KNOW!
Obviously I am just exstin', but I need to take a chance and finally begin livin'!
Thanks for listening. And, I apologize for the length of my past few blogs. Just been on a roll, I guess.
Good night!
- JC
I wish I had some kind of answer, I know why I got married, I don't regret it one bit, but I do struggle with some of the sacrifices that I have made. Cheating is cheating whether it's with a guy or a girl, so that's what keeps me in my box, I suppose. I certainly don't have the answers but I'm working to find something that resembles one
ReplyDeleteJ.C. I can't tell you what to do . But I can tell you from my own mistakes. First it just my opinion. But seeing the type of person you are. I think you would be making a horrid mistake with Cal. Actually one you would never get over. All though I did get two beautiful kids out of my marriage. It wasn't fair for them. They had to pay a lot for my mistakes and there mom's. This will haunt me till I die. It wasn't all bad either by know means. I can not tell you what to do ... I had to make my own choices down that cross road , and I came out jaded. You have to make yours and I don't know how you journey will end. I am by no means complaining I made my choice , I am just sharing it with you . I too, right now live the live of solitude and have had only one boyfriend that lasted a month in a year. Due to different and similar situations. I will go for a relationship again. I just have to protect my kid until he is 18. This is another choice I made weather I don't care is right or wrong. But one I feel I owe my kid, right now . I want you to know no matter what you do ... I am behind you just thought you should know. I know life is hard as your are living now . But you have to pay for you mistakes and no one else does right now . I hope you get and find peace soon . I don't have a answer either way for you ... nobody can ... but you .... Love Just I understand both sides.
ReplyDeleteEh. I've decided to start living last year. It's been a fun year since I came out. The world shook just a little, but didn't end. I too, by the way, have met a woman that made me wonder.
ReplyDeleteI appreciate the feedback. Please know that I have NO plan of marring Cal. I was just throwing that out there, though it was considered in the past.
ReplyDeleteStill leaves me in a conundrum.
I can't advise you on whether or not to be with a woman in general. I will say, if you can't do a lover justice, and they don't know about it, then it sounds like the recipe for a bad relationship already. If I were in your shoes, I would not start anything with Cal. But that is only my opinion.
ReplyDeleteAaaw this one really just tears me up. I want so badly for you to meet someone. You said your new house is 20 minutes away from work, so hopefully that will allow you some privacy to start getting out if you were to meet someone.
ReplyDeleteIn no way can I speak for you- I can just tell you my thinking. I live in an uber conservative area, too. Not the Bible-belt mind you, but conservative blacks and latinos, several mega churches, white supremacists, the OC transplants. I do live in a town of 200,000+ that yes, upon occasion I will meet and see kids I've tutored or subbed for out. It comes with the territory. My Intro to Teaching teacher said being seen with a spouse in public should be no different than being caught at the store by a parent buying booze. It just happens. You deal. Sure with another guy is different. Maybe you're feeling paranoia of being spotted with a guy and having assumptions being made? As long as there isn't too much affection like kissing I don't think there is reason to worry. I go out to eat with male friends all the time. Movies too. Guy friends go out together all the time. Seeing parents I think comes with the territory and you don't have to say "here's my partner ____." I'm just thinking. I am just kind of thinking about how I want to live when I am older because I have no doubt I'm going to be more out than I had once thought. I think just be careful, act appropriately. I really feel like I'm hiding at times and making excuses. I try so hard to stop and I guess that is something I'm trying to prevent as reasons like why I can't be with a guy happen.
I have been spotted on dates by students. I warned the guy ahead of time that because we were going to the new big movie theater chances are it would happen. The kids didn't ask who he was, but I figure if it were to come up I'd just say my friend ______. Because until you're in a relationship, dating, they're just a friend... and once they're your boyfriend they are still a friend... yet more... but that comes later. You can always be relatively neutral until the time comes and just say a friend.
You told me a while back there is another teacher who is gay at your school. How does he handle it? Might not hurt talking to him seeing how he handles this kind of stuff like your fears and worries. I dunno...
JC...
ReplyDeleteA brief note before I go to work. My gay biological father married my mother when they were both 24 years old. They were together for 6 years. He married her because he was too afraid of coming out of the closet and used my mother as a way of not having to deal with his true identity. Long story short, he cheated on my mother numerous times, many times with her own gay-closeted cousin, and other acquaintances. Sadly, this caused major heartache to my mother. She knew of the infidelity, but I dont know if she ever knew it was with other men. She resents my biological father to this day. He has never told her he is gay, and I dont think he ever will. My mom and I live in Texas and he lives in Miami. He doesn't come to Texas that often, and I dont think he wants to be 'honest and open' with my mother.
My mother is still hurting. She later remarried and is married to my wonderful stepfather.
My point is...suck it up. Do not give in to your loneliness. Your opportunity to meet a good man will come. Just be a bit patient. Do not date or romance a woman just because you are lonely. I am single, and find it difficult to see couples. I too feel I am only existing.
Hang in there!
I think what needed to be said have been said by others but I hope you feel better after the rant. :)
ReplyDeleteMuch love!
Aaron
I can really relate to the post. I've conducted my life in a fashion
ReplyDeletethat has probably led to some depression and negativity as I've
denied myself what I crave to a certain extent.
But I avoided all those
whispers (for awhile). Eventually when you hit a certain age and aren't
married, the whispers begin anew. If I had it to do over again, I'd of
just lived my life honestly and seen where it took me. I probably would've had a better time and a far better journey. But my professional life has been fulfilling, but I'm not certain the sacrifice was worth it. I've noted others in my profession that pretty much do the same thing I do that are either out or at least closeted but go out and they seem to be allowed to continue working, so maybe I made it a bigger deal then it needed to be. I don't know.
But you always want what you can't have. I'll never know. It'd be nice if you don't make the same mistake but it would be hypocritical of me to offer up that advice.
But you can teach where gays are more accepted or teach in college...Lots of options. Maybe by being honest, things would lead
to other things on their own.
There is nothing worst then the "what if's" though. Your a sweet, handsome, intelligent, caring person. You'd find someone in a
second if you'd put yourself out there.
But I don't blame you for doing what your doing. It's what I've done.
Good luck with whatever you decide.