True Colors

Let me start this blog by saying that I had one of my hardest and scariest days yesterday. I hit some sort of funk that I really have a hard time explaining. What made it so bad is that I was actually at a point last night where I was sitting at my desk and my entire body was just shaking. I don't know what was going on with that. All I can say is that it was a low point. I cannot remember feeling that sad in quite a long time...we are talking years ago. 


I want to say THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU to each of you who sent me messages, emails, or just had me in your thoughts yesterday. Your support is something I still have a hard time realizing is out there. 


I have always been the type of person who does not let others in to his emotional psyche, especially when those emotions are in such a dark place. Historically, I have chosen to keep it in as not to burden others around me. On some level I have always thought that if I showed myself being sad or depressed that I would be showing a weaker side of me. I know some of you are going to chew me out for that. I have always been very loyal to my friends. I am accustomed to being the friend that everyone comes to when they need to talk about their problems. It makes me feel wonderful to know that I can be there for them to help by just listening or helping to find a solution/advice. I will be there for any of my friends...without fail! 


On the flip side of this discussion, I have always found it difficult to vent or discuss my issues with my friends. In my mind I am burdening them with my problems. I never feel burdened when my friends come to me, so why do I always feel like I burden them with my problems? There is a quandary there. My wonderful, and very wise friend Lynne made the statement to me today that really made me think about this. She said that, in some way, I was unconsciously devaluing my friends' opinions and demonstrating a lack of trust in them. WOW! I had never thought of it that way before. 


The more I thought about that idea this afternoon the more I understand what she is saying, but that is not the case. In my opinion it is that I don't trust myself. (Paging Dr. Freud!) Yes, I have always suffered from those types of self-esteem issues that sometimes have hindered me from taking some risks in life. 


Okay, so where I am I going to go with this newfound idea? 


First, I am going to apologize to each of you for not putting my faith and trust in you. Please know that it is not intentional. I have to trust myself first, and I am working on that! 


Second, I will make you a promise that I will make every effort to get in touch with my friends when I need support. I am making the pledge to allow myself to show my flaws and to ask for help. 


On that note, I need to send a special THANK YOU to Mikeal and Mandi for getting me to talk last night. You truly have no idea how much I needed someone to talk to, and the two of you swooped in at just the right moment. (It is further proof that God puts you where you are needed at the right time.) I am honored to call you my friends!

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Today was the first day back to work since last Tuesday. (I love the Thanksgiving holiday!) I knew that going back to school would be a challenge because I got no planning done this past week. However, I also knew that seeing my students would help get me out of this funk I have been in the past two days .

I was right. Just being around and interacting with my students brought me out of the funk. I had a blast today. My students are so forgiving of their teachers. They want nothing more than to be around you and to talk with you. Students needs are basic...trust and love. When they have those two things from their teachers their faces light up. Their personalities come out. They are happy. 

I suppose I am like my kids. I need the same things...trust and love. I love and trust my students. I love getting to watch them discover the world around them. I love the fact that I will make a difference in their lives. I love that they want to know more about me and to be around me. I do trust my students to do their absolute best in life. I trust them enough to let them into my life on some levels. They know about my crazy family, some choices I have made in life, my flaws, etc. The know I am not perfect. I trust them enough to let them know it, too. 

It is because of this type of connection we have with each other that I know they will be able to help pull me though the funk. The soared today. From the moment the day began I knew what I was in for with them. The first student into my classroom this morning came to give me a hug and say good morning (nothing more, nothing less). All I could do was smile. Every student I passed in the hallway said "good morning" or "hey." Without knowing it, they were helping raise my spirits. In homebase my students and I were kidding around and catching up on what happened during the break. There was a good amount of laughter before classes officially began. As the first block actually began I was smiling, hyper, crazy...the old me! 

I don't know what it is, but working with these incredible kids is all I ever need to be happy! It is a natural high that you really cannot get anywhere. If it could be bottled up, I would make a fortune selling it on the market. 

Now I find myself looking forward to the rest of the school week. What will happen tomorrow? What new challenges will present themselves? I feel somewhat invincible! It's TEACHER PRIDE! I love it.

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On my way to work, and on my way home today, a song was playing in my car that really summed up everything I was feeling and was needing to hear. 

Okay, I posted two different versions. I actually have both on my iPod, but the only playing today was the version from Glee. (I know, I am such a gLeek.) 

I know this song so well because I play both versions frequently. However, I did not personally take in the true meaning until today. 

You with the sad eyes
don't be discouraged
oh I realize
it's hard to take courage
in a world full of people
you can lose sight of it all
and the darkness inside you
can make you fell so small

But I see your true colors
shining through
I see your true colors
and that's why I love you
so don't be afraid to let them show
your true colors
true colors are beautiful
like a rainbow

Show me a smile then
don't be unhappy, can't remember
when I last saw you laughing
if this world makes you crazy
and you've taken all you can bear
you call me up
because you know I'll be there

And I'll see your true colors
shining through
I see your true colors
and that's why I love you
so don't be afraid to let them show
your true colors
true colors are beautiful
like a rainbow 

The first verse is me. When I feel down or depressed, I often times discourage myself from getting out in the world. So many times I will lock myself into seclusion. Typically that is me just sitting in my house not doing anything for the entire day. I feel like Emily Dickinson...a recluse!  

You, my friends, are the ones who know the real me. I am NOT that recluse. I am usually very hyper and full of life. I am the loving and loyal friend you have always known. However, you also know that I have my dark moments in life too. You know I am not perfect, and neither is my life. You know all sides of me. 

The second verse was me a few years ago. For so many years I chose to ignore the feelings I was having, and I hid them from everyone including myself. I was in denial. I was not truly happy! Since I accepted who I am my friends have often pointed out that I smile more and seem much happier that I have ever been in my life. I still have my days (you saw them this weekend), but I will still tell you that every day is getting better in so many ways. 

For me, like many songs I listen to, the message of this song is clear. I need to allow my friends to be in my life completely...in the good, the bad, and the ugly. I need to allow myself to trust you when you tell me that going to you for help/advice is not being a burden. I need to call, email, video chat, or talk to you face to face. 

So here is my start.

What are the true colors of JC?

-  I am an over-achieving workaholic. 

- When my OCD kicks in, I have to clean or rearrange furniture. 

- I have commitment fears due to all the failed relationships in my family. (Divorce is norm in my family.)

- Among my friends, I am usually the "father figure." I will look out for you.

- I am obsessed with music. It is my escape. 

- I like to be in control of the situation. It is for this reason I hate to ride in a car. I like to be the driver. 

- I can be an adrenaline junkie. Roller coasters, bungee jumping, etc. My next goal is SKY DIVING. 

- My favorite colors are blue, yellow, and even pink. 

  (Ask my students about my variety of pink shirts. Hey, real men wear pink!)

- I typically cannot cry. I have not really cried since 2005. 

- I am tired of not living my life as the "real me."

- I am gay. There, I said it.  

- I love to travel.

- I have never tried smoking. (Thanks Dad!) 

- I have never tried any drugs. (Thanks Again Dad!)

- My favorite genre of movies is dramas or the classic movies. 

- I enjoy reading biographies and autobiographies.

- I have a subscription to People magazine and the Advocate 

- I am a registered member of the Human Rights Campaign

- I LOVE politics

- I am a conservative Democrat (I know, it's an oxymoron)

- I am a reformed Southern Baptist

- I have an addiction to flip-flops and sandals. 

- I hate having my toes confined (see above)

- I am shy, at first, in most social situations. It doesn't take long for me to warm up to everyone. 

- I am a big flirt. 

- I love random road trips.

- Brothers and Sisters is the best show on Sundays. 

- I am a true gLeek. 

- I dream of performing on the theatre stage (plays or musicals)

- I have a rubber duck collection. At last count...almost 100 of them. Don't know why!

- I love country, pop, contemporary christian, gospel, opera, and choral music

- I like to be involved in everything. 

- I am addicted to Indian and Italian style foods

- I don't like most vegetables. (Only like green beans, potatoes, corn, and sometimes spinach.)

- I am addicted to fruit (all types of berries, grapes, citrus fruit, apples, etc, canteloupe, bananas, etc.)

- I tried to be a vegetarian once, but see previous statements to figure out why I lasted one week

- Family is important to me, even if they do drive me crazy. I love them all.

- I love working with youth. DUH!

- I am addicted to Broadway shows

- My favorite musical is RENT

- My favorite play is Death of a Salesman

- If I could have chosen a different career, I would have been a pediatric oncologist

- I suck at opening up to people, but I am working on it

- I believe friendships should be for life, not just the here and now

- Only one person (well, besides God) in my life knows everything about me. That is Dr. J!

- I have NO artistic ability. I can't draw, write stories or poetry, etc. 

- I love mathematics. 

- I used to be very quiet. That all changed during college. 

- I dream of settling down one day and having a family. 

- I have one tattoo. Have had thoughts of getting another one, but I doubt it. 

- I once applied to be on the Real World (MTV) 

- I dream of going back to St. John, USVI

- Again, I promise to get a hold of my friends when I am feeling down. I won't hold it in! 

Wow, this post turned out to be so much longer than I had originally planned. I suppose I had a lot to get out. Thanks to those of you who made it all the way through this. I am not promising that today is a new day. Today is just me waking up a bit more and becoming an adult. This is me just saying THANK YOU for your friendship, your love, and your support.

I will be there for you as so many of you have promised to be there for me. 

Nothing but love.

- JC