I left Nashville and headed home. I stopped off in my hometown, which is halfway between where I now live and Nashville, to visit with my dad. I only planned on being there for a few minutes. What I didn't plan on was what transpired during my short visit.
It was not something I had planned to do today. It was not planned at all. I only meant to visit my dad to say hello and check up on him. We got into one of my dad's favorite discussions: do what you have to do to be happy. In our conversation my father decided to bring up dating. He made a comment about how my brother has been dating several women (no, not at the same time...sickos!), and how he doesn't know who I have been dating. He kept skirting around the issue. I finally just got tired of it and said "go ahead and ask whatever it is you are wanting to know." It basically went as follows:
Dad : "So, um, are you...?"
Me : "Yes."
Dad : "Really?"
Me : "Yes."
Dad takes a long pause to gather his thoughts.
Dad : "Well, I love you, I support you, and nothing has changed. I am proud of you."
He also proceeded to tell me that he was not ready to meet my "special friend." (His words, not mine.) I guess I put his mind at ease when I said I was not dating anyone.
Not much more was said. I prepared to leave so I could get home at a decent hour.
After I left, I got this horrible feeling in my stomach. All of a sudden I began to have some sort of panic/anxiety attack while driving down the road. I stopped for a moment and texted Mikey. I had to tell someone what had just happened. As usual, Mikey was there with words of support.
I got back on the road, but I was still feeling anxiety and felt as though I would vomit. Luckily, that did not happen. However, I spent the next 30-45 minutes running through a variety of scenarios and questions. I was scared. I could not believe that I told him. What was I thinking?
Don't get me wrong. I am glad that I was finally able to tell him. I am just a natural worrier. I question everything. Once I am able to process it all, I will calm down.
I know my dad loves me, and he will always be there for me. I just don't know if he will ever be able to understand what I have been going through. Will he ever be able to accept my partner and family (if one or both come along)? Does he just need time? What am I to do?
I think I am rambling in 10,000 different directions. So I think I will stop for the time being.
What a crazy day. I need to go to bed and start over tomorrow.
Hope everyone had a great weekend. Have a fantastic week.
- JC
*hugs* Good for you for coming out. And don't worry, the panic etc will go away. I hope waking up to a new day tomorrow has eased your worry.
ReplyDeleteHooray, your dad is totally cool about it! I think he probably already kind of knew. It's interesting that he didn't even say the word "gay" or the other synonyms for it. Anywho, it's awesome that your dad still loves you!
ReplyDeleteYou made a step forward! Realize that and celebrate. :)
ReplyDeleteIf he doesn't bring it up again within a week or so, I would recommend giving him a call or visiting with him to talk more about it. You are right... deep down he may not be so okay with it, and if he never expresses that to you, that could be something he holds onto for quite a while.
Just keep your lines of communication open. Be sure to let him know how you feel about yourself, what you have gone through, etc. Also make sure you understand more how he feels.
Good luck, and keep us updated.
Thanks, guys, for the words of support.
ReplyDeleteEvan - I will keep the lines of communication open to him. We always have with each other. I told him I am here if he wants to ask questions. I was talking with a friend today about this, and there is almost this hope that it doesn't keep coming up. I don't want this to be the part of my life that becomes all of my life. It is a balance that I will need to find to be happiest.
hugs ... Joe ... I am truly happy that you were accepted ... Love Just
ReplyDeleteJC!!! I'm so happy for you!!! I was surprised when you texted me.
ReplyDeleteI think if it is still bothering you in a few weeks then you should bring it up like Evan said and tell him how it has been a difficult process. Again, it goes back to what I told you in the text. He seems really understanding, logical and loving from what you described, and so if it is bothering you, tell him, and let him know why.
:::HUG:::
I never told anyone. My Dad died years ago never knowing. None of my family or friends know. No one would be cool with it. I would be so alone, my whole world would end. Damn, I don't even think it's ok yet. That might surprise some people, but I was raised to believe it's all wrong too. How do you live someonelse's life. I live a lie, and I'm not sure which is worse. Living a lie or being different.
ReplyDeleteJC, I'm so happy for you finding a way forward with your Dad, I hope it all works out. Take care
I think you will be alright.
ReplyDeleteWhether you realise it or not, you showed a lot of courage, your dad sounded like he was ok with it. So what is to worry about.
I'm proud of you,
Octavius.
Sounds like it wasn't all that bad at all - and it's probably nice to break down that barrier with Dad even if he's not fully figured out how to deal with it
ReplyDeleteThat's brave of you, and of your dad as well of course! I'd say, don't worry! Maybe he just need some time to let this new knowledge sink in... or maybe he always has suspected but haven't dared to ask, not risk ruin everything between you.
ReplyDeleteLove
Daniel
Hey, good for you! I don't know you, and I just happened to stumble across your blog from a comment you left on a friend's blog. But it sounds like your dad is ok with things. It's awesome that he told you he loves and supports you...alot of people don't get that when they come out to parents. Remember you've been dealing with this forever but it's new to him, so give him time to process it. It sounds like he's on your side.
ReplyDeleteGreat post. Congratulations on telling your dad. I hope my dad is as understanding when the time comes.
ReplyDeleteHe's taking baby steps. He'll get to the point where he'll want to meet people important to you.
Wow! That's amazing... congrats! Its a big deal. I've felt the same way just before I told my closest friends. Every occasion has turned out to be a positive experience, even after I told my parents (which was a rough experience), I think things are starting to work out.
ReplyDeleteJC!
ReplyDeleteThis is really great news!
I'm so glad your dad accepted your news so well. Not everyone can say that, you know!
Your nervousness and anxiety afterwards is completely understandable. You were holding so much of it in that it came bursting out when all was said and done.
Go you!
-Dean