The Roller Coster Ride That is My Life

Tonight I have toiled with what to write. Obviously, it has been a roller coaster ride over the past 24 hours.

Today has been a wild one too. Seems that my students decided to consume too much sugar before coming to school today. They were insanely wild. I got the last laugh however by giving a unit test on a Monday. Evil? YES! Needed? YES! Appreciated? Well, by me it was. The students did very well for a unit test. Over 91% of my students passed the test...for my team of students that statistic is unheard of. I guess I am finally getting them to understand.

Once again, my students are able to help me keep my mind off of other thoughts, issues, etc.

At the end of the school day, I went to the classroom of my friend Lynn. Actually, I was summoned. I had shot her an email this morning to tell her about breaking the news to dad. I got down there and we talked about dad (whom she also refers to as "dad"), my weekend, and just life in general.

Our conversation took a very dark turn. I started to talk about how I have been feeling lately. We discussed this journey I seem to be on...the one of discovering me and trying to figure out just who I am.

I told her about my lunch meeting with a fellow blogger on Friday. I told her how great it was to finally be able to talk to someone who has been in my shoes at times. True, we are not located in the same area of the state (3 hours by car), but it is nice to know I am not alone in this blasted state. I know some of you want to know who I had lunch with, but until I clear it with said blogger, I will not post any names. That's just the way I roll.

I let it fly that it has been an incredibly lonely journey at times. I told her that I have times where I feel like I am destined to be alone in this life. For the record, I don't always feel that way, but it comes around some times. I mentioned that I really don't have any close friends in the area that I can identify with and that I can talk to about everything going on in life. I need to clarify. I have a few "friends" around here that know what I am going through, but they are not what I would consider close, good friends.

She and I then got into the discussion of how I feel like I can't come to her (Lynn) anymore. I need to rewind for a second. Lynn and I went to graduate school together. She became one of my best friends. She is a nut, and I love her for it. We did our student teaching in adjoining classrooms, and we now teach at the same school. I have loved having her around. We really were each other's support.

Things have taken a sharp turn in the past few months. Lynn has gotten engaged, and we don't talk as often as we used to do. I know she is focussing on her engagement and impending wedding next summer. I am excited for her and couldn't be happier for her. She needs this. I have made the concious decision to back up a little so she can focus on making her relationship a success. I want her to be truly happy. However, this has come at a cost. I have not had her to talk with about life, and I feel like I have lost a best friend. I told this to Lynn, and she was shocked. She mentioned that I have been MIA for a while. I truly feel like our friendship that once was may never be the same again.

 Lynn came out from behind her desk and was coming to hug me. It was at that point I had to get up and leave the room. The reason for leaving the room...well, I began to lose it. I told her I loved her (she told me the same) and I would talk to her later. I said I just couldn't do this now. I made it to one of the stairwells and actually had a breakdown.

Let's get this straight...I am NOT a crier. I haven't had an actual good cry in over 4 years. Yes, I suppress emotions. But, this time, I couldn't hold on or hold back. All of this just flew out of me. Here I was, crouched over in a corner of the stairwell just crying with everything I had in me. I am very lucky that no one came in the stairwell. See, the smart teacher that I am chose the least used stairs in the entire building.

That didn't last long. I convinced myself to pull it together and get out of the school. I made it back to my classroom just to have a phone message and an email from a parent. I had to deal with that before I would leave. Took care of that little issue and headed for the first floor and the front door.

I made it home and got to the couch. I spent a while there this evening before getting the gumption to get off my lazy but and get moving. I was supposed to go to a PTA meeting tonight (not required...but strongly encouraged by the administration), but I obviously was not up for it.

For the record, I am feeling better at this point. I just thought I would report the latest happenings of the day. Thank you to the overwhelming outpouring of support since yesterday's revelation with my father. I cannot tell you how many comments and emails I received. Each one was awesome in its own right. Thank you to each word of wisdom bestowed. You are all too terrific for words.

I have mentioned in the past, I love music. It is always where I go when I need to get out of a slump. So, here is tonight's installment. I have become addicted to Joss Stone's new CD, called Colour Me Free. If you get a chance, GET IT!

Here is the first single off the CD, titled "Free Me."

Have a great night.
- JC