What to Call This Post??? No idea!

Today has been a pretty rough day, I think.

I have tried to get work done several times today, but all I have felt like doing is sleeping. So, I have slept much of the day away. Now it is almost 7 PM, and I don't have anything prepared for my classes this week. As soon as I am done here I will be on to doing that I suppose.

I have been following Lonely Boy's blog for the past little bit. Over the past week he had threatened to end his life. I found myself sending comments and emails to him trying to help him out. He later posted a message thanking everyone for their support, but then he went a bit further. He said that what he really needed was a friendship that was tangible. At the time I told him I understood where he was coming from with the statement, and I did not ponder anymore on that.

Well, today it has really hit me. What he was asking for was someone he could reach out to personally. I completely understand and identify with that. I have been so extremely blessed to find a number of people on here to talk with, and I consider some of them to be more of a friend than a passing acquaintance in the blog world. However, I think I too am missing that tangible portion of friendship.

This is going to sound sappy, but I am going to go there anyway. The one thing I need more than anything is to hug and be hugged in return. When I was a kid, it was the comfort and safety of lying on my grandmother's lap as she ran her fingernails through my hair. Through my teenage and collegiate years I had tons of friends who would always hug each other. Yes, we were huggers. Not ashamed to say it.

Hugging is just a simple act of letting someone know you care about them. There is a sense of safety in a hug. There is that sense of being loved and appreciated in a hug. A simple hug will bring a smile to someone's face. It's powers cannot be denied.

That is the part of being alone that I hate more than anything...that tactile part of a relationship. Just hugging, holding someone's hand, or just wrapped in someone's arms as you sit watching a movie at home. It is just the little things I am missing today.

I hit the breaking point today. I was just pacing the floors...back and forth, back and forth. I finally had to put on some music on my home office computer, turn off all the lights, and then I hit the floor. I just balled up as I sat on the floor. My heart was hurting in a way it has not in a very long time. I just had to sit there, rocking away, listening to the words of the songs I put on. I will admit to you that the songs were contemporary Christian songs that typically give me chills and help me when I need it. I was crying out for help. The sad part of this is that I felt the need to physically cry, but I could not shed more than a tear. That more than anything is bothering me. What can't I cry when I need it? Ahhhh!

For those of you that will read this and worry, I want you to know that I am doing okay. I am not going to say that I am feeling 100% better, but I am also not rocking on the floor.

I have decided that I just need to get out of this house this week and find some support. A friend of mine has been inviting me to a weekly support group for LGBT college students and young adults. I have resisted going for so long now. I think I just need to get out there and meet people who can identify with me. I also need to let my friends here know what is going on with me. I need them to understand I need them right now.

Not quite sure where I wanted to go with this email tonight. Just wanted to unload a little.

I promise to be more upbeat in the future postings. I swear I am usually an optimist.

Also, pardon all the pictures. Just wanted to add them for effect, I guess.

I hope everyone is doing well and has a great week.
- JC