My Heart Has a Rip in It

I have spent some time today debating with myself whether I would post this or not, but there have been some events in the past 24 hours that make me sure I want to post. I guess it means my blood is boiling a bit.

Last night I was working my butt off trying to meet a publishing deadline for the school's yearbook. As much as I had been working, I had to stop myself to catch the one show I watch on Wednesday nights...The Real World : DC. I have been an avid follower of the show since season two. Who knew this show would take off as it did and was as sustainable. Okay, focus...

Tonight's episode spent a majority of the time focusing on the relationship between Mike and his on-again boyfriend, Tanner.

I was impressed by Mike's openness of his love for Tanner. Neither he or Tanner were afraid to show their love for each other. They were holding hands down the street, hugging each other, etc. That is not something you see much of in public...well, at least not in my little town.

Honestly, I needed to see that. I struggle even hugging my gay friends in public. That's right, I still have lots of fear. I account part of that to be from my extremely conservative upbringing, and a big part of that is my denial and hatred of myself for so long. Watching Mike and Tanner really put some sliver of hope in my heart. I smiled just watching these two in love and not afraid to say it.

That was not remotely close to where I wanted this post to go, but as usual my mind will wonder from time to time. I really wanted to talk about the end of the show when Tanner returns home to the Midwest. To catch everyone up on this, at that point of the show Tanner was not out to his family. He had an incredibly strong relationship with his family. They were supporting him while he was finishing college.

Upon returning from his visit with Mike, Tanner made the choice to come out to his parents so they could know of the love Tanner had for Mike. Tanner began by telling his mother that he wanted to share with her who the love of his life was. His mother's comment was "Just let it be a girl. I don't care what she's like, as long as she is a girl." Obviously that was not going to be the case. Tanner revealed he was gay and in love with Mike. At that point, Tanner's family shunned him.

Tanner calls Mike near the end of the episode just inconsolable. It was at that point my heart ripped a bit. It hurt for Tanner. I cannot see how a family that loves him so much can decide that he is no good and essentially want to disown him, as well as cut off their support of him...all of this because of the person he loves. How can a mother or father deny their child love and happiness? I don't understand. It makes me furious to think about it.

I do need to stop here and say that the episode left us hanging, not knowing if Tanner's family cut him off. We will have to wait until next week to find that out.

Ironically, I find myself in a predicament of my own. I have not come out to my mother. I have such a great amount of anxiety and fear about that day. I know my mother's religious convictions, and I respect that. I am simply afraid of losing her again in my life. My childhood is wrought with my mother not being present from age 5 to age 18. We have spent the past 10 years or so building a relationship again as mother and son. I love my mother with every ounce of my being. What if she decides that I am not worthy and therefore she would choose to stay out of my life? I don't know that I could handle that very well. As I sit here writing this I feel my body shake, and I am fighting back tears just thinking about the possibility of losing her again. This is the strength of this fear.

Believe me when I tell you that I long to let my mother know more about me. Who I will one day love is a part of my life that I want to share with her, but I don't know that I will be able to do it. My mother knows of the responsible, extremely hard-working, caring, and compassionate son she has. Alas, she does not know of another important part of my life...one that I did not share with ANYONE for so many years. Will she continue to love me for who I am and who I love? Will she shun me? Oh, I wish I had someone that could give me the answers to these questions. If I knew them, then I could make a decision as to tell or not to tell.

This is my mother...seriously! 

I think because of my relationship with my mother, I was able to personally connect to Tanner's story. Like I said, my heart ripped a bit last night learning about his parent's response to him sharing his life with them.

Part two of this story was something I did not expect, but it was the main reason I got so fired up on this today. My friend Mikey has been struggling with coming out to his mom for a while now. In today's post he reveals to us that he told his mother he is gay. My heart was ripped further when I learned of his mother's reaction to the news. She told him he was not gay; it is that he is just going through a rough time right now.

Mikey's mother did not shun or disown him as in Tanner's story, but I think her reaction was just as painful. If you would like to read his post about coming out to his mother, CLICK HERE.

I do believe that Mikey's mother will continue to love him as she always has. I also am hopeful that her denial will fade with time, and that she will accept her son for the man is today. From what I have learned about her over the past year, I do have that hope. I can see her turning around one day and standing up for her son when he hurts, when he is in love, when he is at his happiest. Yes, Mikey, I can see that!

The point of this post is simple...how can parents who claim to love their children instantly turn around and shun them from their lives because of who they love? How can they be our examples of unconditional love when it is so obvious that, in some cases, the love IS conditional.

Again, my heart is ripped today and it hurts for Tanner, Mikey, and those living in the same situation. Know that each of you is loved by many people in this world. You are never alone. We will ALWAYS be here for you...no matter what!

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I wanted to add this picture simply because it made me laugh. This is Mike and Tanner during a time they were volunteering with the Human Rights Campaign (HRC).