Got Some Explaining to Do

As you can guess by my previous post, today has not been the best of days. I thought I would take a few minutes to explain what has been happening.

I left Jenny's this morning so I could get home at a decent hour to get some work done at the school. About 20 minutes into my drive home I get a phone call from my friend who sits on the Board of Directors. She proceeded to gently tell me that no one was chosen for the position with the company. They wanted to find someone who had more experience in contract negotiations. There was not much more she could tell me. She said that someone on the Executive Committee should be calling me soon. (No such luck, yet.)

Once I got off the phone, I was driving down the road trying to make sense of why they would waste my time, have me drive 600 miles round trip, and waste an educational day with my kids if they did not plan on filling the position.

I decided to call my Aunt Sue and tell her what had happened. She became angry and had the same questions I did. Then I called my dad to fill him in on the news. He became really upset at what happened. He started to get loud and yell (not at me, of course). I asked him to calm down because I was trying not to get upset. However, he kept yelling and getting angry. I actually had to hang up on my dad to keep myself calmed down.

Well that didn't work. As I was driving down the highway I kept getting angrier. I was yelling in the car, cursing at everything (I am not perfect, world.), and was just shaking. I was extraordinarily ticked off. I felt like I needed to get off the road. I pulled off onto a scenic overlook to try and calm down. That is when I wrote the first post of the day.  I sat in that parking lot for about 25 minutes just trying to calm down.

I drove about another 20 minutes until I crossed the Virginia state line. I pulled into the Welcome Center, used the restroom, and decided to go for a walk around their scenic paths. I had to go for a walk. I was shaking so bad that I needed to do something to get this out of my system. I put on the iPod, turned it to my meditation/calming songs, and began to walk.

Why was I shaking??? I had scared myself just after leaving the scenic overpass.

What happened to scare me so bad?

As I left my first stop of the day, I looked up to the mountain pictured above and had some random thought pop in my head. I actually had the idea of what would it be like to go to the top of that mountain and just jump off. You got it right, I actually had a thought of what it would be like to end life. You have to understand something...I have never ONCE had this kind of thought. I love my life, and I am terrified of death. So, the idea of me having this random thought pop in my head send shivers all through me.

That is why I had to cease and desist the driving. I called my friend, Lynne, to talk to her for a few minutes. She tried to uplift my spirits, but I told her that I couldn't get there. I was having such a hard time trying to to get a grasp on the situation. Further, I was stuck a couple hundred miles from home with no shoulder to cry on. I felt lost, confused, pissed off, and had no where to go.

This is an awful feeling. I don't like it one bit.

Now I am left to wonder what the future hold. I don't know for sure. We will see what happens.

So, there you have it...the description of what transpired today. I am relieved to say I am finally home. My supposed 3 hour trip home turned into a 5 hour trip from H-E-#-#.

I am off to get some work done, and I nap a bit and try to sleep this off.

Later.
- JC

PS...When I got home, I found these wildflowers growing in my front yard. A thing of beauty is a joy. Who knew it would appear on such a horrid day. Can you say IRONY?