Wide Awake!

It is 12:20 AM, and I find myself WIDE AWAKE. So, what does any self-respecting person do at this hour of the night? Lay on the couch...watch a movie...eat wheat thins and sweet orange chevre. Yumm!

Then I decided to being writing this post, and I don't really know if I will ever find the audacity and courage to publish it. I am going to try, however!

In my talks with best friend, Jenny, the other night, we got into a discussion of why I have such a hard time dating and meeting others. As OCD as I am, I have this uncanny need to make you a list of the top three reasons.

1. Who am I disappointing?
Jenny and I decided that one of the reasons I still fight so hard not to meet people is the fact that I have this subconscious fear of disappointing others. Yes, I am 32 years old and need so much approval from others. The question then became, "who am I disappointing?"

First and foremost, I still have this religious battle raging inside of me. I have blogged about this struggle before. It is one of the reasons I denied who I was for YEARS! I have this fear of disappointing God. I know...I know. I have had this discussion with God many times over, and He consistently comes back with the same answer...He is not disappointed in me. For more on how I know that, you will simply have to look at previous blogs from last year. Even after all that time and searching, I have this little part of me that still feels like I am disappointing God. Perhaps I need Him to smack my face and tell me I am being foolish.

Another person I am afraid of disappointing is my mother. For those of you that have yet to figure this one out, I had NO relationship with my mom from age 5 to 18. It has been about a 10-year rebuilding effort on both our parts. I love my mother with all my being. I am so much like her. I have this fear of letting her in on my life. I am so afraid that she will want to disconnect from me if she found out! Just thinking about it makes me shake and choke up a bit. I don't know that I can handle not having her in my life again.


2. I hate sex! 
I can hear the comments and gasps that just took place by those of you who just read that. Before anyone starts to read me the riot act, let me explain!

No doubt that sex can be enjoyable. I just find that I am looking for a relationship in my life that has so many levels. Last on that list is sex. It is not the first requirement in any relationship with a future mate. I just find that  so many I have met want nothing more in the beginning than sex.

It infuriates me! If all I wanted was sex, I now know that everyone is looking for it. Not hard to find. But, that is not me!

I must be one of those rare people who want more out of life and a partner. I want to find someone who is educated, motivated, loves to travel, crazy about movies, loves to go hiking, believes in community service, has a sense of civic responsibility, independent, loves politics, loves the theatre, etc. Most importantly, I want to find a guy who wants a family (aka...kids)!


3. I am constantly on the go.
This should come as no surprise to any of you who really know me. I am a person who finds it difficult to sit still for long periods of time. I don't allow myself a lot of spare time. I am constantly on the move. I am involved heavily in my school, in the teachers' union (I am the local president), and I am involved in several civic and youth organizations in the area. I even chair and sit on various state committees for some of these organizations.

I always knew my life was meant to be one of service. Perhaps I just don't know when to stop or say NO.

Because I am always on the go, it is difficult to get to know someone. I tried that last summer when I met Todd, but he could not handle my hectic schedule. On some level, I see myself scared to try again knowing that my life is still hectic.


There is so much more to all of this, but the three major issues I am having right now are listed above. Feel free to comment, chew me out, whatever! You all are the best. 


Tomorrow I will pack three separate suitcases. I am leaving on Monday morning for three different trips that will run consecutively without a break amongst them. I will be out of town for 10 days. I am so excited to get away, even if two of the trips are for training. 


Take care and goodnight.
Joey