"You take care of everyone else. Who takes care of you?
The question stumped Charlie. As I sat there, I began to ask myself the same question...who takes care of me?
My friends and colleagues will tell you that I devote a lot of time to my students, my friends, my family, and my career. That is a true analysis of me! I am constantly on the move and doing things for everyone else.
Let me list some of the examples:
- I am always on call for my family. Although they live a little more than 2 hours away from me, it is not abnormal for me to drive down there to take care of whatever they need.
- I am being groomed to become the patriarch of the family. Right now, the family is led by my Aunt Sue (whom we lovingly refer to as "the Warden." I am known as "the Warden-in-Training."
- I will take care of my friends when they need me. That may be giving them money, taking care of their kids, driving them to and fro, being their designated driver, therapist, whatever!
- During the school year, my students will call my house for homework help or whatever help they may need. My students take priority over many things in my life from August to May.
- My colleagues call on me for help with their technology issues or personal issues. Some of them are my best friends, so I would do anything for them. We protect each other.
- I am in charge of our school's yearbook, and have been for 6 years.
- I am the president of our school district's teacher union. I am the representative of 700 teachers. This part of my life has taken a lot of time in the past year...far more than I could have ever imagined.
- I serve on 3 state committees for a youth organization for which I volunteer. I love it and would not give it up for anything!
For the record, I do not list those to boast or to enlarge my ego! I will tell you now that I hate being recognized for anything I do. I don't do it for the glory. I do what I do to help this world!
So the question becomes, when do I have spare time to take care of myself? The answer comes in the form of a question...WHAT THE HECK IS SPARE TIME?
It is true that I do not make time for myself. I know that and consistently hear it from my friends and family.
At this point, I stopped writing this post. I did not know where I was going with it. What follows was done a number of hours later...
Tonight I began watching "Dear Jack." It is a documentary that I have been wanting to watch for a while. I actually had to quit watching it. The thoughts of what I had been writing in this post suddenly came rushing back into my head. (By the way, I do plan on watching the rest of the movie, but I need to be better prepared for it...emotionally draining!)
One part of the movie that really got to me was Andrew talking about how his leukemia had humbled him in ways he never imagined. The most significant is being humbled to let others take care of him. I can sympathize with that sentiment. I am not a person who will let others care for him. To me, it is showing my weaknesses, and I cannot do that.
For example, about two or three weeks ago I was having dinner with some colleagues during a regional meeting. The served this incredible steak for the meal. Steak has become my enemy...a piece of the steak got lodged between pharynx and my esophagus. It leads to me not being able to swallow anything (even my saliva...sorry it's gross, but it is life), but luckily I can still breathe. In the past, I would have to go to the emergency room to get an endoscopy (scope down the throat) done to retrieve the lodged steak. It also means I have to have someone go with me so they can take me home once I awake from the procedure. Stubborn me did not want to bother anyone, so I simply excused myself from the meeting and went home, hoping that it would dislodge itself naturally. No such luck. I ended up giving myself the Heimlich maneuver. It is just an example of me not wanting to bother anyone.
Another time I needed someone was several years ago when I had a series of torrential migraines for a week. I had several CT scans throughout the week, but doctors found nothing new. I was away at a summer camp when one particular migraine hit me. It was the worst one I have ever experienced. It was so bad that the slightest sounds were painful. That night we were at a program where a series of loud booms and bangs had been part of the program. I ended up heading to the auditorium lobby and literally hunched over in sever pain from the sounds. A couple of leaders found me and took me back to my dorm to get some rest. The migraine just got worse, and they took me to the university hospital ER. I ended up calling my aunt for support because I was terrified. She rushed to my side. I had 3 spinal taps, and 2 CT scans that night. All I remember was my aunt being there for me. Once it all was over, I felt foolish for having to call her over to the hospital. Again, I don't like to be seen as weak.
It is very hard for me to allow others to care for me on any level.
My fear is that by not wanting others to take care of me really does affect my emotional closeness with my friends, family, and any future significant other. Is this the reason I have been alone for so long?
I am going to stop here for the night. I seem to have rambled in a thousand different directions. I apologize if you read all to this point.
At this point, I stopped writing this post. I did not know where I was going with it. What follows was done a number of hours later...
Tonight I began watching "Dear Jack." It is a documentary that I have been wanting to watch for a while. I actually had to quit watching it. The thoughts of what I had been writing in this post suddenly came rushing back into my head. (By the way, I do plan on watching the rest of the movie, but I need to be better prepared for it...emotionally draining!)
One part of the movie that really got to me was Andrew talking about how his leukemia had humbled him in ways he never imagined. The most significant is being humbled to let others take care of him. I can sympathize with that sentiment. I am not a person who will let others care for him. To me, it is showing my weaknesses, and I cannot do that.
For example, about two or three weeks ago I was having dinner with some colleagues during a regional meeting. The served this incredible steak for the meal. Steak has become my enemy...a piece of the steak got lodged between pharynx and my esophagus. It leads to me not being able to swallow anything (even my saliva...sorry it's gross, but it is life), but luckily I can still breathe. In the past, I would have to go to the emergency room to get an endoscopy (scope down the throat) done to retrieve the lodged steak. It also means I have to have someone go with me so they can take me home once I awake from the procedure. Stubborn me did not want to bother anyone, so I simply excused myself from the meeting and went home, hoping that it would dislodge itself naturally. No such luck. I ended up giving myself the Heimlich maneuver. It is just an example of me not wanting to bother anyone.
Another time I needed someone was several years ago when I had a series of torrential migraines for a week. I had several CT scans throughout the week, but doctors found nothing new. I was away at a summer camp when one particular migraine hit me. It was the worst one I have ever experienced. It was so bad that the slightest sounds were painful. That night we were at a program where a series of loud booms and bangs had been part of the program. I ended up heading to the auditorium lobby and literally hunched over in sever pain from the sounds. A couple of leaders found me and took me back to my dorm to get some rest. The migraine just got worse, and they took me to the university hospital ER. I ended up calling my aunt for support because I was terrified. She rushed to my side. I had 3 spinal taps, and 2 CT scans that night. All I remember was my aunt being there for me. Once it all was over, I felt foolish for having to call her over to the hospital. Again, I don't like to be seen as weak.
It is very hard for me to allow others to care for me on any level.
My fear is that by not wanting others to take care of me really does affect my emotional closeness with my friends, family, and any future significant other. Is this the reason I have been alone for so long?
I am going to stop here for the night. I seem to have rambled in a thousand different directions. I apologize if you read all to this point.
Yup. You and I are cut from the same cloth.
ReplyDeleteI think posts like this are often more real than traditional posts.
ReplyDelete