First, let me mention the inspiration behind this post.
Let me introduce you to Mike Manning. Mike is a cast member of the newest installation of The Real World: DC.
During the second episode of the show we find Mike heading off to an interview for an internship at the Human Rights Campaign. For those of you unfamiliar with the HRC (You would have to be living under a rock in America not to know who they are.), it is America's largest civil rights organization working to achieve equality for all Americans regardless of their sexual orientation.
During his interview, Mike was asked to talk about why he wanted to intern with the HRC. He said that it was only recently that he had begun to feel comfortable in his own skin. With that one statement he got the gears in my head running.
Here's the deal, I have never really felt that comfortable in my own skin. There is no other way to put it. It accounts for a great deal of the self-esteem issues I have had my entire life. Because I have always been so uncomfortable with who I am, it took me so many years to finally accept who I was. At that point I ultimately had to be comfortable with myself on some level.
Yes, I have accepted who I am. With that portion I am becoming more and more comfortable everyday. However, there is so much more.
One of the reasons I don't date is that I am still not completely comfortable with who I am. I am not comfortable showing emotion, affection, etc. I especially not comfortable showing emotion or affection in public. Every time I am out in public, I am constantly looking around to see who is watching (and judging).
The irony here is that I have lived so much of my life caring what others thought about me...more so that what I thought of myself. I allowed society to judge and rule my life. I made the decision about two years ago, about the time I began coming out, to no longer care what everyone else thought of me. Well, in truth, I still care about that on some level.
Can I ever be truly happy if I am not comfortable in my own skin? At what point do I decide to get there? How do I go about making that change?
Please understand that I am not in a sad or depressed state. I am simply in reflective mode. It is a bad, bad habit that most teachers have. We are constantly reflecting on everything we do.
Maybe 2010 will be the year I grow comfortable in my own skin. Maybe 2010 will be the year I finally reach the goals I have set for myself...perhaps at that point I will grow comfortable in my own skin.
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And for the record...I am a member of the Human Rights Campaign. It was one of the first things I did when I made the decision to come out to myself. It is a cause I feel very strongly about and a close personal connection to.
In this past year I have found myself wanting to work on behalf of those LGBT members of the teaching society. All of this came to light last summer when I attended an national teachers' conference, and one of their business items was developing a statement in support of equal rights for LGBT teachers.
If/when I get this new job, I will have a voice in politics. Who's to say that I will not move into an arena where LGBT issues are discussed?
The realm of possibilities is endless, and I don't plan on wasting it!
Take care, all!
- JC
Hey Joe, lol you love my post today ... no doubt.... so hope this is the year, Joe feels comfortable ... Go Joe .. and if not know it is and will be a better year anyway... Man look at the posiblities and the impact you could have on society....Thanks Joe ...
ReplyDeleteJC!
ReplyDeleteI can totally relate to this.
I too don't feel comfortable in my own skin (the way I look, walk, talk) etc..
It prevents me from interacting with people on a long-term level.
I guess I just assume no one would want to put up with all of that and all of my other "issues".
Being comfortable in one's own skin is definitely possible....it just takes time though.
-Dean
I just wanted to leave a quick note on this post. Like so many gay people in America, I was raised in an environment where I thought that gay people were somehow inferior to others. While deeply closeted, inside I knew that something was "wrong" with me and I hated myself for it. I have felt exactly like what you have described above.
ReplyDeleteDuring those darker years I often used the term "emotionally void" to describe myself. My lack of self-esteem and perhaps self-respect prohibited me from building strong relationships with so many people including my family, friends, and especially any romantic interests. Since becoming comfotable with myself, I have seen relationships with my family imrpove 100X, and have bulit better relationships with friends for the first time in my life. Into my mid 20's, I never felt connected to anyone.
The past two years have been the most wonderful in my life. I have made many new friends and for once I care about them. I always felt bad that I didn't seem to care about others (which was likely because I did not care about myself). The relationships with others and my self-esteem and respect are infinitely higher.
I look forward to reading about your progression. I think the timing of this varies for everyone, but recognizing that this change is possible is a great feeling.