An Absence

This has been a very challenging week...a school shooting in our area, the death of a remarkable high school senior, another round of gout, etc. The week ran it's course last night when my body just gave out. I slept most of the evening away and into this morning. 

This morning, my best friend Jenny called asking if I wanted to meet her in Asheville, NC, for lunch and just to hang out a bit. I wasn't going to let this pass me by. I heartily agreed to meet her around 12:30. I get to Asheville and call Jenny to see if she had arrived yet. She was still about half an hour away, so I parked the car and went walking downtown. 

I love downtown Asheville. It is such a laid-back atmosphere. It has the uniqueness and diversity of a bigger city, but it still has a very southern feel to it. Asheville has always been seen as a more liberal town...accepting of everyone. That was evident today by some of the people I saw there.  I saw blue/green mohawks walking down the street, gay/lesbian couples holding hands down the street, bohemians galore, etc. I even walked by a store where the mannequins had silver duct tape over their mouths and "NOH8" painted on their faces. (Being a big fan of Adam Bouska and the NOH8 Campaign, it caught my eye and brought a smile to my face.) 

Jenny finally made her way into downtown, and she met me at the Mast General Store...one of my favorite stores in Asheville. It is just a fun store to visit. We especially love the candy section. There are barrels of "old-timey" candies, and you can pick all the different kinds you want. I behaved myself today and didn't get any candy. However, I did manage to pick up a hand-blown glass Christmas ornament. Each one is individually made and designed in Boone, NC. Love it! 

We went to lunch at an awesome restaurant called the Tupelo Honey Cafe. It markets itself as southern cuisine with a twist. They offer food from local markets and growers, healthier options, and a very unique menu. Jenny loves this restaurant, but it was my first time there. I ended up starting with their peach lemonade. All I can say at the first drink was "oh my..." It was incredible. I then got to order Petunia's Pain Perdu. ("Two pieces of New Orleans-style french toast made with City Bakery challah bread topped with cinnamon sugar, blueberry sauce, and toasted almonds.") They lied...I ended up with three very large pieces of french toast. I also ordered a side of candied-ginger cornbread with whipped peach-butter. Let me just go on record by saying I LOVE SOUTHERN COOKING! The food was unspeakable incredible. I wish I could say I ate it all, but there was just too much of it. 

Oh, I did not mention what Jenny got! She had the Cajun Skillet Catfish ("Blackened, topped with Sunshot salsa, served over goat cheese grits.") Jenny was also speechless during her lunch. I will say, the goat cheese grits were perfect. 

After lunch, we went walking through some of the shops in downtown Asheville. There are so many unique shops, and each one is a new adventure. We had a blast. Most of all, it was great just to spend time with my best friend. I have not seen her since we went to see Wicked, which was back in May. Jenny is just an amazing person, and I love her so much. She and I have looked out for each other through the years, and I could not imagine life without her. Below is a picture of Jenny that I took during lunch. She was on the phone with her calling service. She is on call this weekend, and a nurse was calling her about a patient. It was hilarious  to sit there and watch her get frustrated with this nurse. Go Dr. J! 

I walked Jenny back to the parking garage so she could get to her parents home for the night. She is delivering her wedding dress to them so the parents will be able to drive the dress down to St. Augustine, FL for the wedding. Jenny does not want to chance it with carrying the dress on the plane. I couldn't imagine why? 

After walking Jenny back, I decided to spend some more time in Asheville. I did a bit of shopping around, but didn't buy much. I decided to hit the mall for a few minutes just to check it out. Of course I ended up buying a  new pair of khaki's from Ralph Lauren, a new cologne (Ralph Lauren 4), and some pajama pants. Yes, I behaved myself. LOL

It was a great day out on the town. I needed a break from my life, and that was just what I got. Love ya, Jen!

***   ***   ***   ***   ***   ***   ***   ***   ***   ***

Tonight I find myself feeling very saddened. (Yes, despite the great day out with Jenny! Seems I spend a lot of time thinking about things when it gets quiet at home.) I got to thinking about my life. Despite all the work I do in my school, my community, and beyond, I have this great sense of being very alone. 

I came home to a very quiet and empty house tonight. It is the same every night. I come through the door, and there is no one here to greet me. There is no one coming in later that will ask me about my day. There is no one to care for me when I am sick or dead tired. No one to just hold me when I am feeling down, scared, unsure, etc. Consequently, I should also say vice-versa. I am not looking for a one-sided relationship here. Just thought I would throw that in before someone catches me on it. 

On some level, I find myself jealous of Jenny lately. I know she is utterly happy, and I could not be happier for her. I have seen her through some of the worst times in her life...most definitely the worst relationships. She deserves to have someone who fulfills her life in ways she has never had. Chris is that guy for her. I am happy for them both. But, as I said, I am somewhat jealous. 

Part of the jealousy is that Chris is taking part of my Jenny away. That sounds very childish, but some levels of childhood still exist here. I have known Jenny since we were 11. Our tight friendship has been since 1995. She has been my best friend for 15 years, and I wouldn't trade anything for that time. On some subconscious level, I am fighting away the feelings that Jenny is going out of my life. I know she won't! I am just feeling what has happened with so many of my friends over the years. They have gotten married, moved off to lands unknown, and then they lose touch with you. It is sad. Like I said, I don't see that happening to us. 

As I have watched Jenny and Chris over this past year, I realize just how much I am missing in my life. I don't really have anyone to share my life with in a way it is meant to be shared with someone else. The majority of my friends are married or living with someone. A number of them have kids and are enjoying parenthood. These friends have so many people with which to share their lives. 

Then, there is me...sitting here in this small town...no family within 150 miles...my closest friends living hundreds of miles away...working very hard to not open up. 

I understand that I have been the barrier in my life. I have spent so many years building walls in my life to protect me from pain and suffering. I often feel emotionally inept. I don't express the emotions I am feeling at the time. (True, I sometimes let them out on here.) I simply don't let others see them in person. 

What's it going to take for me to finally allow myself to open up and be loved? 

What's it going to take for me to allow someone to actually reach out and hug me? 

When will I be comfortable having someone just sit and hold on to me...just to be next to me? 

Yes, I dream of love. I dream of having someone in my life who loves me like no one else ever could. Is it simplistic...perhaps. Is it realistic...perhaps. When will I begin to feel love...who knows!?!?!?!