The reason for the above scene from Shelter is the kissing. I miss the intimacy of kissing someone. I was dating a guy over the summer, and we definitely loved to kiss. I don't know what it is about kissing, but it stirs a flurry of emotions. Nothing more to say about that except I MISS BEING KISSED!
It should come as no surprise to say this next statement...COMING OUT IS HARD! I have slowly been coming out to friends over the past year or so. I came out to my aunt last summer as well. She has been nothing but supportive.
The next person I want to tell is my dad. I know he suspects the fact that I might be gay. He has asked me once or twice before and I have categorically denied it. At that time I had not even come to terms with it myself. Now that I know who I am, I think it is time to tell him. However, I just never seem to have the strength to do it.
I was walking with my aunt (my dad's younger sister) about wanting to tell him. She asked me the strangest question, "Why?" She was asking me why I wanted to tell him. I was shocked by the question. I could not tell if she meant why did I feel the need to tell him or why did I need to tell him now. I am sure she meant why did I feel the need to tell him. It just seemed like a random question. Given she probably has no understanding as to why it is important for me to tell my dad, but I did not appreciate the question either. I was looking for support. Knowing my aunt only wants what is best, I know she did not mean it negatively, however I don't think she understands why I need to tell my dad.
My dad is the closest person in my family that I connect with. I have always said that if I were to ever get married, he would be my best man. My dad is an incredible individual who only wants what is best for his kids. I know he wants the same for me. The man would do almost anything for any of his kids. The fact that my dad has asked me about being gay before means he wants to know. He can tell that I purposely hide a side of my life from him. He only wants me to be happy. He has even gone so far before as to say that if I were gay that he would still love me as he has always loved me. I believe him 100%. He would not lie to me about something like that.
So I am left in a conundrum...do I just go ahead and tell my dad I am gay? When is the best time to do that? Can/should I do it over the phone? Should I wait until I see him again in person (which could be months)? What am I to do???
ADVICE IS APPRECIATED!!!
I was talking with a good friend the other day about feeling alone. He was feeling very disconnected from his friends. He seemed to feel like there was nowhere and noone to talk to. This friend of mine is a fellow blogger who shall remain nameless. (You know who you are.) He is feeling overwhelmed with the stress of work and school.
I know where he is coming from. I have some of those same feelings from time to time. There is a difference between being alone and feeling alone. Some people prefer to be alone. However, the feeling of being along can suck. That is also my current situation. I feel as though I am married to my career. I have alienated my friends and family. I get to work at 5 AM and will work most days until after 5 PM. I will come home, take a nap, run to the gym for a workout, come back home, have dinner, and work on getting ready for tomorrow.
My best friends no longer live in the town I am in now. This is where we all went to college, but the majority of them moved out of area and out of state. I miss just being able to meet up with friends for a coffee (which I don't drink), a movie, dinner, or whatever. Heck, even miniature golf was interesting.
I know that I won't always just be me and my job, but I feel as though I am missing out on my life. Why do I do this to myself? I purposely keep myself super-busy just so I won't have to deal with being alone.
Also, part of the problem is that I live in a pretty small town. It is hard to be openly gay in this area, especially with my chosen career as an educator. I cannot really go out on a date in my town without someone seeing me and starting rumors. With have one gay night club in town, and I am scared to go in there for fear of someone seeing my car there and knowing or thinking something.
I am dying to get out there and date. I am dying to meet other gay people in my community who know what I am going through. Heck, I just need to make me some new friends all across the board.
To my friend...you know I will be here for you when you need someone to talk to about anything. We may be on opposite sides of the country, but that doesn't mean we can't keep in close contact. I AM HERE FOR YOU!
I think I have rambled on enough this evening. Thanks for checking in and checking up on me.
Take Care,
- JC
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