The Three Most Difficult Words for Me...

I LOVE YOU!

Yes, I am devoting this entire posting to those three words. Obviously I need to explain what in the world is going on in my head.

Today I was thinking to myself and wondering why I cannot bring myself to tell someone in my life that I love them. Now, before I get scolded or called out here, I have no problem telling my family and closest friends that I love them. I make sure they always know how much I love them all. I grew up with a family that always told and showed me how much they loved me. To this day, every phone call or personal visit with my dad, my aunt, my mother, my grandmother (when she was alive), and so many others always end(ed) with "I love you!"

Well, if you haven't figured it out yet...I have met someone.

Holy crap! I have met someone who has gotten to me on an emotional and personal level. Greg and I met a few weeks ago on one of those E-Harmony-esque  type websites. Okay, so he lives in Missouri. I don't hold that against him. We have basically talked (online/phone/skype) every night since we connected. I cannot recall every conversation or every detail. We talk for hours. It is crazy.

A quick mini-bio of Mr. Greg:
  -  25 years old
  -  Lives in Missouri (not ideal, but I can live with it...LOL)
  -  College graduate
  -  RN/Flight Nurse (that's right, he is one of those nurses that treats patients on helicopters...worst cases)
  -  Loves cheesecake
  -  Wants kids someday
  -  Did I mention good looking, too?

Now, I am not the type to easily show emotion or to share what I consider to be the weaknesses in my life. However, I have talked to Greg about pretty much anything and everything that comes up. Nothing seems to be off limits when we are talking.

So here is my dilemma...every time we talk, Greg tells me how much he loves me. He says that he loves the person I am...he is not in love with me yet. For the record, we have not met in person yet. (That is a huge YET!) I confess that I am developing feelings for him. However, I cannot bring myself to say those three words, "I love you." Why is it so difficult for me when it seems to flow so easily for him?

As I was talking with Greg the other night, I told him that I don't show emotions and feelings very well. We spent a good while trying to analyze this. I realize that I lead a very guarded life...personally and emotionally. I have always tried to hide my anger and frustrations from people. I feel they are usually counter-productive to release them on someone. I am more accustomed to holding them in until I get to my own private corner of the world and then let them go. I suppose that in hiding those emotions, I somehow started hiding the others as well. Add to that I live in a pretty small town that is still pretty intolerable to those who might be different. I also spent so many years suppressing my feelings and emotions for others, that it has become second nature. For those who are new to my blog, I spent many many years in the closet...denying and hiding all signs from others and myself. I worked hard to "pray the gay away." It wasn't until about 3 years ago that I came to terms with who I am, and I am just now making peace with myself.

In addition to all of this, we talked about the divorce rate in my family. When I was 5 my parents divorced, and I spent the next 13 years living with my dad, and without my mother. That's right, had no relationship with my mom from age 5 - 18. Their divorce was something we were never allowed to discuss in the family. I never really knew why, but it was restricted. Nothing evil or sadistic happened. It was just a huge wound in my family's life. For a 5 year old to be told that we cannot discuss you feelings about what is going on can cause some major damage in the life of that child. Believe me, I know from experience. From that time on, I witnessed every other marriage in my family begin to break down and ultimately end in divorce. (parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, and now cousins my age and younger are getting divorced).

Witnessing all of this heartbreak and wretched destruction of my family led me to become distant to the thoughts of love for another person besides your family. Yes, the milk was soured! I knew from an early age that I would not ever want to really love someone for fear of it ending badly. Knowing what I knew of every relationship in my family, I accepted the fact that I would live a life without a soul mate. I accepted the fact that I probably would never raise a child either.

Please understand that this is written not to find pity upon me. It is simply written to help you understand a bit more about me and why expressing emotion is so difficult for me.

It is no wonder I pull back and carefully watch from a distance.

However, I am tired of lurking in the distance. I want to finally experience these emotions that I have shied away from for so many years of my life. Can I somehow make my way through this forest of caution, guarded life, and reserved emotions, and out into the real world? Will I be able to finally put the past aside and ultimately feel all these emotions that are trying to surface? Will I be able to say I LOVE YOU to that special someone in my life?

Ugh! This is so freakin' frustrating! Am I making any sense here?

Another part of my interactions with Greg that makes me uncomfortable is him telling me (all the time) how wonderful I am, and how lucky he is to have me in his life. Okay, I also don't take compliments well at all.  Yes, I need help!

I have had such a low self-esteem for the majority of my life. Now matter who or how many people I help in this world, I will never feel as though I have done enough for this world. I never feel adequate. I always seek continuous improvement. When people give me compliments, I don't take them at face value. I am very skeptical about the comments, and I pick them apart until they are gone. I don't have to process them.

So, to recap...
(1) I don't take compliments well.
(2) I pull back and hide in cowardice when emotions come to light.
(3) I have a hard time letting other into my life.
(4) I can't say "I love you!" except to family and close friends.

Paging, Dr. Freud!...stat!

Greg and I both have commented in the past two days that I have finally started to open up to him more than I have in the past few weeks since we have began talking. Each night, he still tells me that he loves me, he is proud of me, he is proud to know me, and how lucky he is to have found me. Again, those compliments are very hard for me to take. I don't know how to not be skeptical and so careful. I have to get a grip here!

Do I feel something for Greg?
Yes

Is it friendship or more?
I obviously move slower than Greg. He can picture us down the road. I am just looking across the street right now. LOL

Do I feel love for Greg?
Yes, but is it a friendship-type of love or more...I don't know yet.

Can I see myself in love with someone life Greg (or Greg himself)?
Yes, he has some many of the qualities I look for...
  -  intelligence
  -  ambition
  -  sense of humor
  -  wants kids someday
  -  sense of adventure
  -  love of travel
  -  not more psycho than me (no comments, thank you! LOL)
  -  self-sustained
  -  and more...

So what is holding me back from saying those crazy three little words?
I don't know. I just move a lot slower than Greg, I suppose. I am still very guarded, but less and less with him everyday. I am opening up and revealing my life to him...quirks and all. Hey, even after all the crazy stuff and people in my life that I have revealed he is still talking to me. That says something.

For the record...He and I have even had the relocation talks. We talked about who would be willing to relocate to the other (we both would). However, he is adamant about moving here because of the successes in my life would be harder to rebuild if I moved. He wants me to be successful and happy. How can I not love someone who tells me that daily?

Well, I don't think I will be able to answer my own question. However, I think once he comes here to visit (He also said he will not visit until I am ready for him to be here...) I will know if I am in love or not. Perhaps, at that point I will be able to express how I feel.

That's it for now. Feel free to comment if you desire.

Thanks for listening to this rambling and psychotic babble. Thanks for being such wonderful and supportive friends. I do love you all!