Emotional Walls & The Inability to Cry

I was reading about the death of Ian's aunt this morning. (Ian, you and your family are most definitely in my thoughts and prayers.) As I was reading his post, I began to think about those I have lost who were very close to me. My chest began to hurt, and I knew the sadness was trying to come forth. However, there was one problem...


I could not cry! 


I know I have blogged about this inability to cry before, and it may be getting old. However, it is what is on the mind at this point.


Why is it that I cannot cry? When was the point when I no longer cried over joy, sadness, anger, etc? 


I read in an article that part of a person's inability to cry could be that they have built a wall around their emotions. Basically, the article said that because some people work so diligently to shelter and hide their true emotions from others, it become quite difficult to allow the emotions to come forth when we need them. 


I can completely relate to this. I have always been one to hide my anger and sadness from others. Any time that I have shown anger or sadness people look shocked and flabbergasted. In all honesty, I have also become an artist at hiding all self-doubt and fear from the world. For instance, I have always had a fear of getting up in front of a crowd of people. However, in recent years, my chosen path has provided me many opportunities to get up and speak in front of thousands at a time. I hide all fear of stage fright and fear of failure, and I will get up and speak to the best of my ability. 


I suppose the better question is why do I feel the need to hide all emotions from my friends and family? The answer...in my life I have always had to be the strong one in the family. I seem to be the one that everyone looks to for advice, assistance, support, etc. This trend has extended into my professional life, too. Everyone I know looks to me for something.

I am not complaining about being the person that helps everyone. In fact, I feel worse when I cannot help them. I am simply pointing out that I have rarely had the opportunity to feel vulnerable. As I have "matured" (insert hearty laugh here) I find myself working to be stronger and stronger for everyone else. I rarely let emotion get the best of me. Even when it does, I will reign it in just so I can go on with life. This has also progressed into relationships. I find it very hard to let my guard down and let someone else into my life. I don't dare show any vulnerability. My type-A personality kicks in, and I try to control everything just so I don't have to show emotion, vulnerability, etc. Let's just say that it does not end well...ever!

This brings me back to the inability to cry. I truly am unable to let the tears flow...even when I want them to do so. I cannot even shed a tear when watching Extreme Makeover : Home Edition. That show was made for criers! LOL

When music hits me just the right way (I am a music junkie!) and sparks this emotion in me, I so want to cry sometimes. Then that beautiful emotion turns to anger when I cannot let it out. Of course, I keep the anger hidden until I am in a private spot where I can release it.

Heck, even if I am able to cry, I will only ever shed one single tear. That is the most I can muster.

For a bit of comic relief...there is a running joke in my class when a student tells me that this homework assignment is going to kill them. I simply say, "If it does then I will come to your funeral and shed one tear." It always gets a laugh from my kids. However, it probably wouldn't be far from the truth. One tear is all anyone gets these days.

Truthfully, I envy those who are able to truly express their emotions and let other know of their true feelings. I so want to be like them. I want to be able to cry for joy, cry for sadness, cry from sheer frustration, etc.

For your criers out there...Don't be ashamed of it!

Nothin' but love, my friends!
Joey