Today...I am Emily Dickinson

What a title for me to write, but it is exactly how I am feeling today.

Today is the first day that I have actually felt good enough to do something. I have literally been on a couch for 4 days trying to recover from this cold, headaches, etc. Everyone keeps telling me that all of this is my body's way of getting me to slow down. Some believe that I an forever running in ten-thousand different directions at the same time. Sadly, I will agree with these people. I am always on the go, and I love it. However, there comes a time when my body will take control of me. It just so happens that the time my body chose this time was my fall break and vacation time. Ugh!

Even though I had the chance to get out and do something today, I chose to keep to myself. I went to my school for a few hours and did some "manly" work. In other words, I rearranged furniture, dismantled computers, put computers back together, etc. Moving those heavy filing cabinets and that awful computer table are not easy. I do get to use my muscles and make myself feel more like a man when I do all of this by myself. Yes, I am stubborn.

The rest of the day has been spent at home working on vocabulary walls, laundry, and other housework.

Tonight, I am feeling like Emily Dickinson would have felt. She was the ultimate recluse. I feel as though I have been a recluse for the past 6 days. I have not gone out, not had friends over, done little to reach outside the walls of my house, etc. I really did not give much thought to this until today. Of course, the more I thought about my reclusive life this week, the more it depressed me.

So here I sit...a reclusive and depressed shell of a person. Frankly, IT SUCKS!

Those who think they know me would be shocked at how much I live my life alone when I am not in the public eye. Yes, when I am at school, working with the youth across the state, or working for the union, I am someone who is high-energy and very personable. I believe that I am someone that gets along with just about everyone. There are so many people that I call "my friend." However, when I go home at the end of the day, it is quiet and I am all alone once again. I revert into my reclusive Dickinson-esque life.

What is even worse is when I get home, I don't want to leave it for the rest of the day. It is a tricky situation. If I don't go home, I happily will go out with friends and acquaintances, but I somehow shut down when I cross the path of my front door. 

What is wrong with me? Why do I choose to be so anti-social once I get home? Is it any wonder I am alone in life?

Okay, before I get any more down on myself, I thought I would leave you with an Emily Dickinson poem. (And, for the record, this is not representative of how I feel...I just love this poem!)

Poor little heart!
Did they forget thee?
Then dinna care! Then dinna care!

Proud little heart!
Did they forsake thee?
Be debonair! Be debonair!


Frail little heart!
I would not break thee:
Could'st credit me? Could'st credit me?


Gay little heart!
Like morning glory
Thou'll wilted be; thou'll wilted be! 




Just another random thought for this post.

I have been watching Gray's Anatomy tonight (every Thursday at 9PM). There was a 15 year-old guy on there who had cancer in his tibia. The doctors' recommendation would have been amputation because the chemotherapy was not working as expected. The young man was adamant that the doctors not take his leg. Turns out this guy was a ballet dancer. He wanted to show Dr. Karev why he needed to save the leg. Watching this guy dance made me actually cry. (See video below. Not the complete scene, but you get the idea.) It was amazing, and the sheer joy that overcame this young man was inspiring. I wish I could dance like that. However, it reminds me of how I used to feel when I would dance. (Not, not ballet...that is for another day!) I miss those days so much.