The Roller Coster Ride That is My Life

Tonight I have toiled with what to write. Obviously, it has been a roller coaster ride over the past 24 hours.

Today has been a wild one too. Seems that my students decided to consume too much sugar before coming to school today. They were insanely wild. I got the last laugh however by giving a unit test on a Monday. Evil? YES! Needed? YES! Appreciated? Well, by me it was. The students did very well for a unit test. Over 91% of my students passed the test...for my team of students that statistic is unheard of. I guess I am finally getting them to understand.

Once again, my students are able to help me keep my mind off of other thoughts, issues, etc.

At the end of the school day, I went to the classroom of my friend Lynn. Actually, I was summoned. I had shot her an email this morning to tell her about breaking the news to dad. I got down there and we talked about dad (whom she also refers to as "dad"), my weekend, and just life in general.

Our conversation took a very dark turn. I started to talk about how I have been feeling lately. We discussed this journey I seem to be on...the one of discovering me and trying to figure out just who I am.

I told her about my lunch meeting with a fellow blogger on Friday. I told her how great it was to finally be able to talk to someone who has been in my shoes at times. True, we are not located in the same area of the state (3 hours by car), but it is nice to know I am not alone in this blasted state. I know some of you want to know who I had lunch with, but until I clear it with said blogger, I will not post any names. That's just the way I roll.

I let it fly that it has been an incredibly lonely journey at times. I told her that I have times where I feel like I am destined to be alone in this life. For the record, I don't always feel that way, but it comes around some times. I mentioned that I really don't have any close friends in the area that I can identify with and that I can talk to about everything going on in life. I need to clarify. I have a few "friends" around here that know what I am going through, but they are not what I would consider close, good friends.

She and I then got into the discussion of how I feel like I can't come to her (Lynn) anymore. I need to rewind for a second. Lynn and I went to graduate school together. She became one of my best friends. She is a nut, and I love her for it. We did our student teaching in adjoining classrooms, and we now teach at the same school. I have loved having her around. We really were each other's support.

Things have taken a sharp turn in the past few months. Lynn has gotten engaged, and we don't talk as often as we used to do. I know she is focussing on her engagement and impending wedding next summer. I am excited for her and couldn't be happier for her. She needs this. I have made the concious decision to back up a little so she can focus on making her relationship a success. I want her to be truly happy. However, this has come at a cost. I have not had her to talk with about life, and I feel like I have lost a best friend. I told this to Lynn, and she was shocked. She mentioned that I have been MIA for a while. I truly feel like our friendship that once was may never be the same again.

 Lynn came out from behind her desk and was coming to hug me. It was at that point I had to get up and leave the room. The reason for leaving the room...well, I began to lose it. I told her I loved her (she told me the same) and I would talk to her later. I said I just couldn't do this now. I made it to one of the stairwells and actually had a breakdown.

Let's get this straight...I am NOT a crier. I haven't had an actual good cry in over 4 years. Yes, I suppress emotions. But, this time, I couldn't hold on or hold back. All of this just flew out of me. Here I was, crouched over in a corner of the stairwell just crying with everything I had in me. I am very lucky that no one came in the stairwell. See, the smart teacher that I am chose the least used stairs in the entire building.

That didn't last long. I convinced myself to pull it together and get out of the school. I made it back to my classroom just to have a phone message and an email from a parent. I had to deal with that before I would leave. Took care of that little issue and headed for the first floor and the front door.

I made it home and got to the couch. I spent a while there this evening before getting the gumption to get off my lazy but and get moving. I was supposed to go to a PTA meeting tonight (not required...but strongly encouraged by the administration), but I obviously was not up for it.

For the record, I am feeling better at this point. I just thought I would report the latest happenings of the day. Thank you to the overwhelming outpouring of support since yesterday's revelation with my father. I cannot tell you how many comments and emails I received. Each one was awesome in its own right. Thank you to each word of wisdom bestowed. You are all too terrific for words.

I have mentioned in the past, I love music. It is always where I go when I need to get out of a slump. So, here is tonight's installment. I have become addicted to Joss Stone's new CD, called Colour Me Free. If you get a chance, GET IT!

Here is the first single off the CD, titled "Free Me."

Have a great night.
- JC

What the Heck Happened?

Today has been a quite interesting one.

I left Nashville and headed home. I stopped off in my hometown, which is halfway between where I now live and Nashville, to visit with my dad. I only planned on being there for a few minutes. What I didn't plan on was what transpired during my short visit.

To put it simply...I came out to my father today.

It was not something I had planned to do today. It was not planned at all. I only meant to visit my dad to say hello and check up on him. We got into one of my dad's favorite discussions: do what you have to do to be happy. In our conversation my father decided to bring up dating. He made a comment about how my brother has been dating several women (no, not at the same time...sickos!), and how he doesn't know who I have been dating. He kept skirting around the issue. I finally just got tired of it and said "go ahead and ask whatever it is you are wanting to know." It basically went as follows:

Dad : "So, um, are you...?"
Me : "Yes."
Dad : "Really?"
Me : "Yes."
Dad takes a long pause to gather his thoughts.
Dad : "Well, I love you, I support you, and nothing has changed. I am proud of you."

He also proceeded to tell me that he was not ready to meet my "special friend." (His words, not mine.) I guess I put his mind at ease when I said I was not dating anyone.

Not much more was said. I prepared to leave so I could get home at a decent hour.

After I left, I got this horrible feeling in my stomach. All of a sudden I began to have some sort of panic/anxiety attack while driving down the road. I stopped for a moment and texted Mikey. I had to tell someone what had just happened. As usual, Mikey was there with words of support. 

I got back on the road, but I was still feeling anxiety and felt as though I would vomit. Luckily, that did not happen. However, I spent the next 30-45 minutes running through a variety of scenarios and questions. I was scared. I could not believe that I told him. What was I thinking?

Don't get me wrong. I am glad that I was finally able to tell him. I am just a natural worrier. I question everything. Once I am able to process it all, I will calm down.

I know my dad loves me, and he will always be there for me. I just don't know if he will ever be able to understand what I have been going through. Will he ever be able to accept my partner and family (if one or both come along)? Does he just need time? What am I to do?

I think I am rambling in 10,000 different directions. So I think I will stop for the time being.

What a crazy day. I need to go to bed and start over tomorrow.

Hope everyone had a great weekend. Have a fantastic week.

- JC

Tragedy at Fort Hood

Driving home this evening I was listening to my favorite radio station. The DJ commented that they were keeping a close watch on the situation at Fort Hood, TX.

I had no idea what was going on, but it definitely got my attention.

If you have not heard yet, please read here!

My cousin, who I have always considered more like my brother (we are only a month apart in age), is stationed at Fort Hood. He is now deployed to Iraq, but his wife and two of his kids are living on the base. I became a bit shaky thinking about what was going on at the base. There was not a large amount of information on the radio at the time. The only thing that was running through my head is "ARE THEY OKAY?"

I called my Aunt S to ask if she had heard what was going on in TX. She let me know that she had talked with my cousin's wife. D (my cousin's wife) told my Aunt S that she was okay, but they are still on lockdown on the base. She also said that her daughters were at home at the time of the shooting and lockdown. Everyone there in my family is safe.

My cousin was notified, and he was allowed to call from Iraq to make sure everyone was okay. He was obviously shaken, but thankful for their safety.

I was able to quit shaking, but now I find myself glued to CNN watching this story over and over and over!

This is just a horrible tragedy at Fort Hood. My thoughts and prayers go out to all families affected by this shooting.

As my own personal tribute to my cousin and the thousands of remarkable men and women serving in our Armed Forces, I offer the following video. Thank you for all that each and every one of you do to protect our country and our world. You inspire me in ways you may never know. 

And to my cousin/brother...be safe and come home soon. We all miss you!

Looking Ahead...Not Behind

Once again I am amazed by the outpouring of support these past few days. You all know what to say and/or do to really make me feel better.

I am out of the slump from this weekend. I have to say that I did not get any of my work accomplished this weekend. I cannot remember the last time I felt so bad that I did not get any work accomplished. It is very unusual for me.

I got to work on Monday determined to get out of this mood I had been in for a few days. Honestly, it did not take long to get out of that mood. My students came in on Monday with their smiles just dying to tell me about their Halloween experiences. It was at that point I realized I had to be there for my kids, and I have been since that moment. No matter how much my teammates and I complain about some of the days we are having because of a handful of our students, we realize what an amazing group of students we do have. We have made the conscious decision to not let that small handful of issues hinder our wonderment and enjoyment of working with these students. They really can make me smile for no apparent reason.

This week has already been a very busy one. After yesterday's marathon of science classes, I had to attend the school board meeting. I always find it interesting to see how a group of 7 citizens holds everything I do as a teacher in their hands. I will also take a moment to say that they really do have our best interests at heart. I feel very blessed to be working for such a wonderful school system. Even in the times I tell myself I am done, I look back and remember that all will get better.

Today was another insanely busy day. Besides dealing with my duties of teaching, I have to attend special education evaluation meetings of my students. Today was one of those days. We somehow ended up with two evaluation meetings running simultaneously. I went to one of the meetings, and my two teammates went to the other. To make matters worse, I forget about the meeting. I was running around the school getting work done. I was in the office and the secretary looked at me and said I was being hunted down because I was needed in a meeting. I instantly jumped sky high and made a bolt for the elevator to get upsatirs to my meeting (which was on the OTHER END of the building). It all worked out, but I felt like an idiot. No one seemed to care that I was late. What a wonderful group.

The rest of this week looks to be equally busy. I have a faculty meeting on Wednesday afternoon, supervising after-school detention, City Commission meetings, and a few other meetings I am sure I am forgetting. All of this has to be accomplished before Friday afternoon.

I am excited for Friday afternoon. I am heading out of town to attend a state council meeting for one of the organizations for which I have another leadership role. The reason I am excited? I get to work with the absolute best high schoolers in the state. Most of the state council consists of these top high school students. Not only are they top in their classes, they are also some of the most polite, sarcastic, and all-around fun people to hang out with. There...I said it. I enjoy hanging out and working with high school students. Never thought I would say that.

I will be away all weekend. I have to take a partial day on Friday just so I can make the 5 hour drive to the meeting place for the weekend. It is well worth it. I will be away ALL WEEKEND. That will be a great time for me to relax and not worry about school for that time. I will just be having a blast while working to plan these giant state events we host every year. I cannot wait to get in there and get these events underway. (I must be sick. I am excited about more work. I LOVE IT!)

The drive is a pretty nice one. I will actually pass through my hometown, but I doubt I will stop. If my dad's not in town I don't see the point. I may stop in on Sunday to visit my grandmother's grave. This is something I try to do every time I am passing through. I miss her more than I care to say. Thinking about her seems to be the only thing that will cause me to cry a bit. I am posting a picture of her and my grandfather.

This picture was taken in the mid-1980s.

This brings me to my last note of the evening. My friend, Aaron, wrote the most incredible tribute to his late friend, Bryan, on the 7th anniversary of his passing. As I sat reading it my heart was pounding while learning of what happened to his best friend. Aaron described it as also dying the day his friend passed. I whole-heartedly can identify with that sentiment. A part of me died the same day as my grandmother's passing.

I want to thank Aaron for sharing such an incredibly moving and poignant tribute to a friendship that lasts beyond life and death. I hope that everyone is as lucky to have someone in their life that means as much as Aaron's best friend.

The lesson Aaron was sharing with us is that after Bryan's death he found a new sense of self and a will to live each day to the fullest. It is a lesson we all should look to and take in to our hearts. So I will choose to look forward, hoping that I will live each day as if it were the last one. As Aaron so eloquently stated:

I vow that I will not arrive on my death bed in “one piece”. Seeing myself in a death bed has taught me to live. I guess Morrie Schwartz was right when he said, “you don’t learn to live until you learn to die”. Everyday, I tell myself that I am more alive than ever, I am capable and I will surf every wave, reach every dreams and fight for everything I deem important. At the end, I want to lie in my death bed saying, “Boy, what a ride!” 

Hope everyone is well and in a happy place!

- JC

Before I go, I just downloaded these songs from iTunes and can't seem to stop listening to it. Enjoy!

What to Call This Post??? No idea!

Today has been a pretty rough day, I think.

I have tried to get work done several times today, but all I have felt like doing is sleeping. So, I have slept much of the day away. Now it is almost 7 PM, and I don't have anything prepared for my classes this week. As soon as I am done here I will be on to doing that I suppose.

I have been following Lonely Boy's blog for the past little bit. Over the past week he had threatened to end his life. I found myself sending comments and emails to him trying to help him out. He later posted a message thanking everyone for their support, but then he went a bit further. He said that what he really needed was a friendship that was tangible. At the time I told him I understood where he was coming from with the statement, and I did not ponder anymore on that.

Well, today it has really hit me. What he was asking for was someone he could reach out to personally. I completely understand and identify with that. I have been so extremely blessed to find a number of people on here to talk with, and I consider some of them to be more of a friend than a passing acquaintance in the blog world. However, I think I too am missing that tangible portion of friendship.

This is going to sound sappy, but I am going to go there anyway. The one thing I need more than anything is to hug and be hugged in return. When I was a kid, it was the comfort and safety of lying on my grandmother's lap as she ran her fingernails through my hair. Through my teenage and collegiate years I had tons of friends who would always hug each other. Yes, we were huggers. Not ashamed to say it.

Hugging is just a simple act of letting someone know you care about them. There is a sense of safety in a hug. There is that sense of being loved and appreciated in a hug. A simple hug will bring a smile to someone's face. It's powers cannot be denied.

That is the part of being alone that I hate more than anything...that tactile part of a relationship. Just hugging, holding someone's hand, or just wrapped in someone's arms as you sit watching a movie at home. It is just the little things I am missing today.

I hit the breaking point today. I was just pacing the floors...back and forth, back and forth. I finally had to put on some music on my home office computer, turn off all the lights, and then I hit the floor. I just balled up as I sat on the floor. My heart was hurting in a way it has not in a very long time. I just had to sit there, rocking away, listening to the words of the songs I put on. I will admit to you that the songs were contemporary Christian songs that typically give me chills and help me when I need it. I was crying out for help. The sad part of this is that I felt the need to physically cry, but I could not shed more than a tear. That more than anything is bothering me. What can't I cry when I need it? Ahhhh!

For those of you that will read this and worry, I want you to know that I am doing okay. I am not going to say that I am feeling 100% better, but I am also not rocking on the floor.

I have decided that I just need to get out of this house this week and find some support. A friend of mine has been inviting me to a weekly support group for LGBT college students and young adults. I have resisted going for so long now. I think I just need to get out there and meet people who can identify with me. I also need to let my friends here know what is going on with me. I need them to understand I need them right now.

Not quite sure where I wanted to go with this email tonight. Just wanted to unload a little.

I promise to be more upbeat in the future postings. I swear I am usually an optimist.

Also, pardon all the pictures. Just wanted to add them for effect, I guess.

I hope everyone is doing well and has a great week.
- JC