Well, I did it!
I just sent in my resume and application for employment outside of the teaching profession. Okay...sort of outside the teaching profession.
I recently caught wind of a job opening in an education company that really has peaked my interest. I have always wanted to get into politics. Specifically, I want to pursue lobbying for education reform. This potential new job would be in that realm. I have given great thought over the past year about leaving teaching but pursuing a job with this particular company. Ironic how a position opened up this year. It is rare!
I am excited, but extremely terrified at the same time.
The idea of starting anew is incredibly exciting, and outside of my little box. Most friends would agree that it is uncharacteristic of me. I am changing.
What terrifies me the most is the idea of starting a new life in a new city. Also, I have become so emotionally attached to my school, my colleagues, and my students and their families. I know I will be an emotional wreck if the time does come for me to leave my job as a teacher.
If I don't get this position, at least this company will know I am interested in working for them. I have been told that there will be a number of positions opening up in the next year.
Who knows what the future is going to bring. One thing is clear, I am choosing to consider a new path for my life. Hopefully the rest of my life will follow along with this change in career.
I will keep you updated.
I am heading home from my weekend teachers' conference in just a few hours. It has been a long weekend, but one full of useful information I cannot wait to take back and put to use.
Let me just say this before I go...THE HOTEL WAS INCREDIBLE! I could live there and want for nothing.
Talk soon!
- JC
November 15, 2009
November 10, 2009
Can You Ever Truly Go "Home" Again?
It seems the week is flying by so fast. I am not complaining...not in the slightest. Sometimes I just cannot believe that the time moves faster and faster. What happened to those long dog days of summer when I was a kid? Do you remember those days? They are the ones you think will never end.
I think that this post will be something new for me. I want to tell you a little about my childhood. I don't really know why I am going to do this, but it could be fun.
I am a child of the 80s and 90s.
In 1982, my parents divorced, and my mother moved out of the house. I was only 5. My brother was 3. I remember the months leading up to the divorce to be awful, especially for a 4 or 5 year old. I remember my parents arguing about this or that. They would get loud. I can recall one specific time that they were in the kitchen fighting. I was there, too. They did not know I was there. I was under the kitchen counter hiding in the corner. (It is a spot next to the cabinets which makes it a very hidden area.) I remember just being curled up in the corner listening to them argue. What I remember most is just sitting there crying to myself. I blamed myself for thier fights and their divorce. Before anyone says anything...I know now that it was not my fault, but to a 5 year old it is their fault.
My dad was the one to raise me and my brother. We lived in an incredible subdivision that was picture perfect for any child living there. Our subdivision had 20 houses in it. My house was dead-center of the subdivision. Every other house had a swimming pool. Almost every house had children in it my age. There were, in total, about 30 - 35 children growing up in that subdivision. At the edge of the subdivision we all had access to the lake and an area we called "the woods." I spent so many years there growing up in that neighborhood.
I remember getting married there in 3rd grade. My "wife" (Bridget) was in 5th grade. Yes, an older woman! We even had a house next door to her parents' house. Okay, it was a one-room playhouse that her father had constructed earlier that summer.
I remember playing hide-n-seek on many summer nights. We would all start in my yard, but we would eventually expand it into the entire neighborhood. My favorite spot to hide...in the shadow of this giant pine tree in our yard. I would lay on the ground in the shadow. It was the best because no one ever expected it.
One Christmas, Santa (aka my Dad) brought my brother and I a pair of three-wheel Honda ATVs. (We had a Honda 125 and a Honda 200) They were the best. We rode those for years and years. We eventually carved out numerous riding trails in "the woods." It was the perfect place to ride the three-wheelers. It was out of the way of all the neighbors, and we were left alone just to be kids.
The woods became the neighboorhood children's sanctuary. After we had all the trails cleared and formed, we would spend numerous hours in there just riding bikes, camping, hikings, etc. How fortunate was I to have this area of nature that we all could escape to, and a place for our imaginations to run wild when playing games.
My best friends growing up were my neighbors. We were a tight-knit group. We all spent uncountable hours, days, weeks, months, and years of our lives together. We were all like a big family. If that were the case, then my father was the biggest kid of them all.
I mentioned that every other house had a swimming pool. That is 100% accurate. What I failed to mention is that all the kids in the neighborhood ended up in my pool. I guess since my house was the center of the subdivision, it became the community center. If you were ever looking for your children, always call my house first. Dad was probably already feeding us all by grilling hamburgers or hotdogs. At that point, the neighbors would bring tomatoes, lettuce, canteloupe, and watermelon from their garden. The party would begin.
I remember just laying in the middle of the road in the center of the neighborhood on summer nights. Just a bunch of neighborhood kids laying there looking up at the stars and talking about things kids talked about then. (Remember, this was STILL the age on innocence.) If any of you are wondering if we ever got run over...NO. Cars that would come into our subdivision were always someone we knew, and they knew to look down the hill at the center of the subdivision to see if their son or daughter was lying in the road. There was only one road into the neighborhood, and it was the same road out.
During the school year, we would all meet at the top of the hill (the entrance to the subdivision) every morning and wait for George to bring the school bus to us. George drove bus #20, and we rode that bus with him every year up until high school. We were always the first kids on the bus at 7 in the morning, and we were the last kids to get off the bus at 4:15 in the afternoon. We loved it!
Oh, and do you remember when the original Nintendo came on the market? I do. I begged and begged my dad for the Nintendo. Our neighbor, Keith, had one. He would bring it across the street to our house when he would babysit my brother and I. Super Mario Brothers was THE game. We finally got one for Christmas, and again all the kids would congregate at our house to play.
I grew up with a grandfather who loved to fish. He taught me everything I ever needed to know about fishing. So, as a kid I loved to go fishing. (What southern-bred, American boy didn't like fishing?) Having a subdivision on the edge of the lake provided a prime fishing spot at all times. My friends and I would gather our fishing poles, tackle boxes, etc and head for the lake. We would stop in the woods to dig up worms for bait. We would just sit on the banks and fish for hours...never catching anything more than a blue-gill or a small-mouth bass. We didn't care what we caught. It was just fun being around your friends.
I forgot to mention the fields behind my cousin Melinda's house. She lived just above the subdivision at the top of the hill. Behind her house was acres upon acres of rolling fields. In the spring we would run to the fields and fly the kites. There were no trees, powerlines, or roads to get in our way.
As I look back on my childhood, I think back to how innocent life really was. I guess the old saying is true: "Ignorance is Bliss." Well, we were definitely blissful all the time in our neighborhood. Life was so much simpler then. And, yes, it was the 80s and early 90s.
Like all good things, it had to come to an end. It started with us selling our house and moving out. We needed a bigger house when dad remarried. After we left, others left too. I guess we were the lynchpin in the center of the neighborhood. It was never the same.
Sometimes, when I am in town visiting my family, I will make a trip to the neighborhood just to see how it has changed and how it has not. The same houses are still there. There is one new house, but it is owned by one of the original neighbors in the "hood." He built his new house in his field, just across the street from his former house. He built it for his wife. Go figure!
Obviously, all of the kids I grew up with have left and live their own lives now. There are a few of the old neighbors still in their houses. I go over to Jim and Linda's house to talk to them, and I will sit in their living room and just stare at my former home across the street.
My former home looks very similar to the way we left it. It is still yellow, maybe a creamier shade (better). The massive pine tree is gone. Was told it fell over one night in a bad thunderstorm. The pool that my dad, my brother, and I put in when we lived there and the fences are still there. The windows have been changed. The garage, once converted into a gameroom, has been returned to a garage. It still looks good.
How funny are the memories that we can hold on to for so many years of our lives. This is my "happy place" when I need to go there in my mind.
Thanks for taking a ride down memory lane with me.
PS. I know that some of this sounds too good to be true. Honestly, this was my life growing up. (Not a fairy tale...a true story!)
I think that this post will be something new for me. I want to tell you a little about my childhood. I don't really know why I am going to do this, but it could be fun.
I am a child of the 80s and 90s.
In 1982, my parents divorced, and my mother moved out of the house. I was only 5. My brother was 3. I remember the months leading up to the divorce to be awful, especially for a 4 or 5 year old. I remember my parents arguing about this or that. They would get loud. I can recall one specific time that they were in the kitchen fighting. I was there, too. They did not know I was there. I was under the kitchen counter hiding in the corner. (It is a spot next to the cabinets which makes it a very hidden area.) I remember just being curled up in the corner listening to them argue. What I remember most is just sitting there crying to myself. I blamed myself for thier fights and their divorce. Before anyone says anything...I know now that it was not my fault, but to a 5 year old it is their fault.
My dad was the one to raise me and my brother. We lived in an incredible subdivision that was picture perfect for any child living there. Our subdivision had 20 houses in it. My house was dead-center of the subdivision. Every other house had a swimming pool. Almost every house had children in it my age. There were, in total, about 30 - 35 children growing up in that subdivision. At the edge of the subdivision we all had access to the lake and an area we called "the woods." I spent so many years there growing up in that neighborhood.
I remember getting married there in 3rd grade. My "wife" (Bridget) was in 5th grade. Yes, an older woman! We even had a house next door to her parents' house. Okay, it was a one-room playhouse that her father had constructed earlier that summer.
I remember playing hide-n-seek on many summer nights. We would all start in my yard, but we would eventually expand it into the entire neighborhood. My favorite spot to hide...in the shadow of this giant pine tree in our yard. I would lay on the ground in the shadow. It was the best because no one ever expected it.
One Christmas, Santa (aka my Dad) brought my brother and I a pair of three-wheel Honda ATVs. (We had a Honda 125 and a Honda 200) They were the best. We rode those for years and years. We eventually carved out numerous riding trails in "the woods." It was the perfect place to ride the three-wheelers. It was out of the way of all the neighbors, and we were left alone just to be kids.
The woods became the neighboorhood children's sanctuary. After we had all the trails cleared and formed, we would spend numerous hours in there just riding bikes, camping, hikings, etc. How fortunate was I to have this area of nature that we all could escape to, and a place for our imaginations to run wild when playing games.
My best friends growing up were my neighbors. We were a tight-knit group. We all spent uncountable hours, days, weeks, months, and years of our lives together. We were all like a big family. If that were the case, then my father was the biggest kid of them all.
I mentioned that every other house had a swimming pool. That is 100% accurate. What I failed to mention is that all the kids in the neighborhood ended up in my pool. I guess since my house was the center of the subdivision, it became the community center. If you were ever looking for your children, always call my house first. Dad was probably already feeding us all by grilling hamburgers or hotdogs. At that point, the neighbors would bring tomatoes, lettuce, canteloupe, and watermelon from their garden. The party would begin.
I remember just laying in the middle of the road in the center of the neighborhood on summer nights. Just a bunch of neighborhood kids laying there looking up at the stars and talking about things kids talked about then. (Remember, this was STILL the age on innocence.) If any of you are wondering if we ever got run over...NO. Cars that would come into our subdivision were always someone we knew, and they knew to look down the hill at the center of the subdivision to see if their son or daughter was lying in the road. There was only one road into the neighborhood, and it was the same road out.
During the school year, we would all meet at the top of the hill (the entrance to the subdivision) every morning and wait for George to bring the school bus to us. George drove bus #20, and we rode that bus with him every year up until high school. We were always the first kids on the bus at 7 in the morning, and we were the last kids to get off the bus at 4:15 in the afternoon. We loved it!
Oh, and do you remember when the original Nintendo came on the market? I do. I begged and begged my dad for the Nintendo. Our neighbor, Keith, had one. He would bring it across the street to our house when he would babysit my brother and I. Super Mario Brothers was THE game. We finally got one for Christmas, and again all the kids would congregate at our house to play.
I grew up with a grandfather who loved to fish. He taught me everything I ever needed to know about fishing. So, as a kid I loved to go fishing. (What southern-bred, American boy didn't like fishing?) Having a subdivision on the edge of the lake provided a prime fishing spot at all times. My friends and I would gather our fishing poles, tackle boxes, etc and head for the lake. We would stop in the woods to dig up worms for bait. We would just sit on the banks and fish for hours...never catching anything more than a blue-gill or a small-mouth bass. We didn't care what we caught. It was just fun being around your friends.
I forgot to mention the fields behind my cousin Melinda's house. She lived just above the subdivision at the top of the hill. Behind her house was acres upon acres of rolling fields. In the spring we would run to the fields and fly the kites. There were no trees, powerlines, or roads to get in our way.
As I look back on my childhood, I think back to how innocent life really was. I guess the old saying is true: "Ignorance is Bliss." Well, we were definitely blissful all the time in our neighborhood. Life was so much simpler then. And, yes, it was the 80s and early 90s.
Like all good things, it had to come to an end. It started with us selling our house and moving out. We needed a bigger house when dad remarried. After we left, others left too. I guess we were the lynchpin in the center of the neighborhood. It was never the same.
Sometimes, when I am in town visiting my family, I will make a trip to the neighborhood just to see how it has changed and how it has not. The same houses are still there. There is one new house, but it is owned by one of the original neighbors in the "hood." He built his new house in his field, just across the street from his former house. He built it for his wife. Go figure!
Obviously, all of the kids I grew up with have left and live their own lives now. There are a few of the old neighbors still in their houses. I go over to Jim and Linda's house to talk to them, and I will sit in their living room and just stare at my former home across the street.
My former home looks very similar to the way we left it. It is still yellow, maybe a creamier shade (better). The massive pine tree is gone. Was told it fell over one night in a bad thunderstorm. The pool that my dad, my brother, and I put in when we lived there and the fences are still there. The windows have been changed. The garage, once converted into a gameroom, has been returned to a garage. It still looks good.
How funny are the memories that we can hold on to for so many years of our lives. This is my "happy place" when I need to go there in my mind.
Thanks for taking a ride down memory lane with me.
PS. I know that some of this sounds too good to be true. Honestly, this was my life growing up. (Not a fairy tale...a true story!)
November 9, 2009
The Roller Coster Ride That is My Life
Tonight I have toiled with what to write. Obviously, it has been a roller coaster ride over the past 24 hours.
Today has been a wild one too. Seems that my students decided to consume too much sugar before coming to school today. They were insanely wild. I got the last laugh however by giving a unit test on a Monday. Evil? YES! Needed? YES! Appreciated? Well, by me it was. The students did very well for a unit test. Over 91% of my students passed the test...for my team of students that statistic is unheard of. I guess I am finally getting them to understand.
Once again, my students are able to help me keep my mind off of other thoughts, issues, etc.
At the end of the school day, I went to the classroom of my friend Lynn. Actually, I was summoned. I had shot her an email this morning to tell her about breaking the news to dad. I got down there and we talked about dad (whom she also refers to as "dad"), my weekend, and just life in general.
Our conversation took a very dark turn. I started to talk about how I have been feeling lately. We discussed this journey I seem to be on...the one of discovering me and trying to figure out just who I am.
I told her about my lunch meeting with a fellow blogger on Friday. I told her how great it was to finally be able to talk to someone who has been in my shoes at times. True, we are not located in the same area of the state (3 hours by car), but it is nice to know I am not alone in this blasted state. I know some of you want to know who I had lunch with, but until I clear it with said blogger, I will not post any names. That's just the way I roll.
I let it fly that it has been an incredibly lonely journey at times. I told her that I have times where I feel like I am destined to be alone in this life. For the record, I don't always feel that way, but it comes around some times. I mentioned that I really don't have any close friends in the area that I can identify with and that I can talk to about everything going on in life. I need to clarify. I have a few "friends" around here that know what I am going through, but they are not what I would consider close, good friends.
She and I then got into the discussion of how I feel like I can't come to her (Lynn) anymore. I need to rewind for a second. Lynn and I went to graduate school together. She became one of my best friends. She is a nut, and I love her for it. We did our student teaching in adjoining classrooms, and we now teach at the same school. I have loved having her around. We really were each other's support.
Things have taken a sharp turn in the past few months. Lynn has gotten engaged, and we don't talk as often as we used to do. I know she is focussing on her engagement and impending wedding next summer. I am excited for her and couldn't be happier for her. She needs this. I have made the concious decision to back up a little so she can focus on making her relationship a success. I want her to be truly happy. However, this has come at a cost. I have not had her to talk with about life, and I feel like I have lost a best friend. I told this to Lynn, and she was shocked. She mentioned that I have been MIA for a while. I truly feel like our friendship that once was may never be the same again.
Lynn came out from behind her desk and was coming to hug me. It was at that point I had to get up and leave the room. The reason for leaving the room...well, I began to lose it. I told her I loved her (she told me the same) and I would talk to her later. I said I just couldn't do this now. I made it to one of the stairwells and actually had a breakdown.
Let's get this straight...I am NOT a crier. I haven't had an actual good cry in over 4 years. Yes, I suppress emotions. But, this time, I couldn't hold on or hold back. All of this just flew out of me. Here I was, crouched over in a corner of the stairwell just crying with everything I had in me. I am very lucky that no one came in the stairwell. See, the smart teacher that I am chose the least used stairs in the entire building.
That didn't last long. I convinced myself to pull it together and get out of the school. I made it back to my classroom just to have a phone message and an email from a parent. I had to deal with that before I would leave. Took care of that little issue and headed for the first floor and the front door.
I made it home and got to the couch. I spent a while there this evening before getting the gumption to get off my lazy but and get moving. I was supposed to go to a PTA meeting tonight (not required...but strongly encouraged by the administration), but I obviously was not up for it.
For the record, I am feeling better at this point. I just thought I would report the latest happenings of the day. Thank you to the overwhelming outpouring of support since yesterday's revelation with my father. I cannot tell you how many comments and emails I received. Each one was awesome in its own right. Thank you to each word of wisdom bestowed. You are all too terrific for words.
I have mentioned in the past, I love music. It is always where I go when I need to get out of a slump. So, here is tonight's installment. I have become addicted to Joss Stone's new CD, called Colour Me Free. If you get a chance, GET IT!
Here is the first single off the CD, titled "Free Me."
Have a great night.
- JC
Today has been a wild one too. Seems that my students decided to consume too much sugar before coming to school today. They were insanely wild. I got the last laugh however by giving a unit test on a Monday. Evil? YES! Needed? YES! Appreciated? Well, by me it was. The students did very well for a unit test. Over 91% of my students passed the test...for my team of students that statistic is unheard of. I guess I am finally getting them to understand.
Once again, my students are able to help me keep my mind off of other thoughts, issues, etc.
At the end of the school day, I went to the classroom of my friend Lynn. Actually, I was summoned. I had shot her an email this morning to tell her about breaking the news to dad. I got down there and we talked about dad (whom she also refers to as "dad"), my weekend, and just life in general.
Our conversation took a very dark turn. I started to talk about how I have been feeling lately. We discussed this journey I seem to be on...the one of discovering me and trying to figure out just who I am.
I told her about my lunch meeting with a fellow blogger on Friday. I told her how great it was to finally be able to talk to someone who has been in my shoes at times. True, we are not located in the same area of the state (3 hours by car), but it is nice to know I am not alone in this blasted state. I know some of you want to know who I had lunch with, but until I clear it with said blogger, I will not post any names. That's just the way I roll.
I let it fly that it has been an incredibly lonely journey at times. I told her that I have times where I feel like I am destined to be alone in this life. For the record, I don't always feel that way, but it comes around some times. I mentioned that I really don't have any close friends in the area that I can identify with and that I can talk to about everything going on in life. I need to clarify. I have a few "friends" around here that know what I am going through, but they are not what I would consider close, good friends.
She and I then got into the discussion of how I feel like I can't come to her (Lynn) anymore. I need to rewind for a second. Lynn and I went to graduate school together. She became one of my best friends. She is a nut, and I love her for it. We did our student teaching in adjoining classrooms, and we now teach at the same school. I have loved having her around. We really were each other's support.
Things have taken a sharp turn in the past few months. Lynn has gotten engaged, and we don't talk as often as we used to do. I know she is focussing on her engagement and impending wedding next summer. I am excited for her and couldn't be happier for her. She needs this. I have made the concious decision to back up a little so she can focus on making her relationship a success. I want her to be truly happy. However, this has come at a cost. I have not had her to talk with about life, and I feel like I have lost a best friend. I told this to Lynn, and she was shocked. She mentioned that I have been MIA for a while. I truly feel like our friendship that once was may never be the same again.
Lynn came out from behind her desk and was coming to hug me. It was at that point I had to get up and leave the room. The reason for leaving the room...well, I began to lose it. I told her I loved her (she told me the same) and I would talk to her later. I said I just couldn't do this now. I made it to one of the stairwells and actually had a breakdown.
Let's get this straight...I am NOT a crier. I haven't had an actual good cry in over 4 years. Yes, I suppress emotions. But, this time, I couldn't hold on or hold back. All of this just flew out of me. Here I was, crouched over in a corner of the stairwell just crying with everything I had in me. I am very lucky that no one came in the stairwell. See, the smart teacher that I am chose the least used stairs in the entire building.
That didn't last long. I convinced myself to pull it together and get out of the school. I made it back to my classroom just to have a phone message and an email from a parent. I had to deal with that before I would leave. Took care of that little issue and headed for the first floor and the front door.
I made it home and got to the couch. I spent a while there this evening before getting the gumption to get off my lazy but and get moving. I was supposed to go to a PTA meeting tonight (not required...but strongly encouraged by the administration), but I obviously was not up for it.
For the record, I am feeling better at this point. I just thought I would report the latest happenings of the day. Thank you to the overwhelming outpouring of support since yesterday's revelation with my father. I cannot tell you how many comments and emails I received. Each one was awesome in its own right. Thank you to each word of wisdom bestowed. You are all too terrific for words.
I have mentioned in the past, I love music. It is always where I go when I need to get out of a slump. So, here is tonight's installment. I have become addicted to Joss Stone's new CD, called Colour Me Free. If you get a chance, GET IT!
Here is the first single off the CD, titled "Free Me."
Have a great night.
- JC
November 8, 2009
What the Heck Happened?
Today has been a quite interesting one.
I left Nashville and headed home. I stopped off in my hometown, which is halfway between where I now live and Nashville, to visit with my dad. I only planned on being there for a few minutes. What I didn't plan on was what transpired during my short visit.
To put it simply...I came out to my father today.
It was not something I had planned to do today. It was not planned at all. I only meant to visit my dad to say hello and check up on him. We got into one of my dad's favorite discussions: do what you have to do to be happy. In our conversation my father decided to bring up dating. He made a comment about how my brother has been dating several women (no, not at the same time...sickos!), and how he doesn't know who I have been dating. He kept skirting around the issue. I finally just got tired of it and said "go ahead and ask whatever it is you are wanting to know." It basically went as follows:
Dad : "So, um, are you...?"
Me : "Yes."
Dad : "Really?"
Me : "Yes."
Dad takes a long pause to gather his thoughts.
Dad : "Well, I love you, I support you, and nothing has changed. I am proud of you."
He also proceeded to tell me that he was not ready to meet my "special friend." (His words, not mine.) I guess I put his mind at ease when I said I was not dating anyone.
Not much more was said. I prepared to leave so I could get home at a decent hour.
After I left, I got this horrible feeling in my stomach. All of a sudden I began to have some sort of panic/anxiety attack while driving down the road. I stopped for a moment and texted Mikey. I had to tell someone what had just happened. As usual, Mikey was there with words of support.
I got back on the road, but I was still feeling anxiety and felt as though I would vomit. Luckily, that did not happen. However, I spent the next 30-45 minutes running through a variety of scenarios and questions. I was scared. I could not believe that I told him. What was I thinking?
Don't get me wrong. I am glad that I was finally able to tell him. I am just a natural worrier. I question everything. Once I am able to process it all, I will calm down.
I know my dad loves me, and he will always be there for me. I just don't know if he will ever be able to understand what I have been going through. Will he ever be able to accept my partner and family (if one or both come along)? Does he just need time? What am I to do?
I think I am rambling in 10,000 different directions. So I think I will stop for the time being.
What a crazy day. I need to go to bed and start over tomorrow.
Hope everyone had a great weekend. Have a fantastic week.
- JC
I left Nashville and headed home. I stopped off in my hometown, which is halfway between where I now live and Nashville, to visit with my dad. I only planned on being there for a few minutes. What I didn't plan on was what transpired during my short visit.
It was not something I had planned to do today. It was not planned at all. I only meant to visit my dad to say hello and check up on him. We got into one of my dad's favorite discussions: do what you have to do to be happy. In our conversation my father decided to bring up dating. He made a comment about how my brother has been dating several women (no, not at the same time...sickos!), and how he doesn't know who I have been dating. He kept skirting around the issue. I finally just got tired of it and said "go ahead and ask whatever it is you are wanting to know." It basically went as follows:
Dad : "So, um, are you...?"
Me : "Yes."
Dad : "Really?"
Me : "Yes."
Dad takes a long pause to gather his thoughts.
Dad : "Well, I love you, I support you, and nothing has changed. I am proud of you."
He also proceeded to tell me that he was not ready to meet my "special friend." (His words, not mine.) I guess I put his mind at ease when I said I was not dating anyone.
Not much more was said. I prepared to leave so I could get home at a decent hour.
After I left, I got this horrible feeling in my stomach. All of a sudden I began to have some sort of panic/anxiety attack while driving down the road. I stopped for a moment and texted Mikey. I had to tell someone what had just happened. As usual, Mikey was there with words of support.
I got back on the road, but I was still feeling anxiety and felt as though I would vomit. Luckily, that did not happen. However, I spent the next 30-45 minutes running through a variety of scenarios and questions. I was scared. I could not believe that I told him. What was I thinking?
Don't get me wrong. I am glad that I was finally able to tell him. I am just a natural worrier. I question everything. Once I am able to process it all, I will calm down.
I know my dad loves me, and he will always be there for me. I just don't know if he will ever be able to understand what I have been going through. Will he ever be able to accept my partner and family (if one or both come along)? Does he just need time? What am I to do?
I think I am rambling in 10,000 different directions. So I think I will stop for the time being.
What a crazy day. I need to go to bed and start over tomorrow.
Hope everyone had a great weekend. Have a fantastic week.
- JC
November 5, 2009
Tragedy at Fort Hood
Driving home this evening I was listening to my favorite radio station. The DJ commented that they were keeping a close watch on the situation at Fort Hood, TX.
I had no idea what was going on, but it definitely got my attention.
If you have not heard yet, please read here!
My cousin, who I have always considered more like my brother (we are only a month apart in age), is stationed at Fort Hood. He is now deployed to Iraq, but his wife and two of his kids are living on the base. I became a bit shaky thinking about what was going on at the base. There was not a large amount of information on the radio at the time. The only thing that was running through my head is "ARE THEY OKAY?"
I called my Aunt S to ask if she had heard what was going on in TX. She let me know that she had talked with my cousin's wife. D (my cousin's wife) told my Aunt S that she was okay, but they are still on lockdown on the base. She also said that her daughters were at home at the time of the shooting and lockdown. Everyone there in my family is safe.
My cousin was notified, and he was allowed to call from Iraq to make sure everyone was okay. He was obviously shaken, but thankful for their safety.
I was able to quit shaking, but now I find myself glued to CNN watching this story over and over and over!
This is just a horrible tragedy at Fort Hood. My thoughts and prayers go out to all families affected by this shooting.
I had no idea what was going on, but it definitely got my attention.
If you have not heard yet, please read here!
My cousin, who I have always considered more like my brother (we are only a month apart in age), is stationed at Fort Hood. He is now deployed to Iraq, but his wife and two of his kids are living on the base. I became a bit shaky thinking about what was going on at the base. There was not a large amount of information on the radio at the time. The only thing that was running through my head is "ARE THEY OKAY?"
I called my Aunt S to ask if she had heard what was going on in TX. She let me know that she had talked with my cousin's wife. D (my cousin's wife) told my Aunt S that she was okay, but they are still on lockdown on the base. She also said that her daughters were at home at the time of the shooting and lockdown. Everyone there in my family is safe.
My cousin was notified, and he was allowed to call from Iraq to make sure everyone was okay. He was obviously shaken, but thankful for their safety.
I was able to quit shaking, but now I find myself glued to CNN watching this story over and over and over!
This is just a horrible tragedy at Fort Hood. My thoughts and prayers go out to all families affected by this shooting.
As my own personal tribute to my cousin and the thousands of remarkable men and women serving in our Armed Forces, I offer the following video. Thank you for all that each and every one of you do to protect our country and our world. You inspire me in ways you may never know.
And to my cousin/brother...be safe and come home soon. We all miss you!
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