What Am I Reading?

As a teacher, I find myself reading a slew of teen literature for pleasure. Not that I have that much free time to read for pleasure, but when I do I find myself going to those teen books. (For the record, I have a fascination with biographies/autobiographies. However, sometimes I just need a different level of book.) 


A few months ago I began purchasing digital books to go on my iPad. I gathered quite a virtual library for summer reading. Sadly, I did not get to most of the books I had purchased. They have just been sitting in my iPad's virtual library. 


That all changed this week. I was at a point of needing to just sit quietly on my couch for a while and relax. I opened up the first book that I had downloaded, and I read straight through all 272 pages. 


The book I was reading is called "The God Box," by Alex Sanchez. Below is the product description from Amazon:


Paul, a religious teen living in a small conservative town, finds his world turned upside down when he meets Manuel—a young man who says he’s both Christian and gay, two things that Paul didn’t think could coexist in one person. Doesn’t the Bible forbid homosexuality? As Paul struggles with Manuel’s interpretation of the Bible, thoughts that Paul has long tried to bury begin to surface, and he finds himself re-examining his whole life. This is an unforgettable book on an extremely timely topic that strives to open minds on both ends of the spectrum.

Since I normally read biographies, my emotional responses to books are rather limited unless it is someone with whom I am infatuated. This teen fiction book, however, sent me into an emotional tailspin. I found myself identifying and inserting myself into the character of Paul. I felt his pain, anguish, confusion, and anger that were raging inside of him as he struggled to find a balance between his thoughts of guys and his Christianity. 


I know those thoughts all too well. I had this same struggle all throughout my twenties. I suppressed those feeling for most of a decade. Growing up in the southern baptist church, I was taught that being gay was wrong. It was so ingrained in my beliefs and mind, that any thoughts of being gay sent me into a deep depression. Not being a person who can sit and be depressed for too long, I had to get moving. I threw myself into school work, my career, volunteer work, etc. I did everything I could not to have to deal with any thoughts of being gay. 


There is a part of the book when Paul's abuelita (grandmother) talks to him and tells him it is okay to get mad at God. It is quite a revelation for Paul, and there is a scene when he is driving that he finally releases his anger. I have this mental image of him screaming at the top of his lungs at God while barreling down the highway. I can just see the looks on the faces of passersby as they drove past this young man yelling in his car. What must they be thinking about him? 


I have to admit that I completely understand this scene. It brought back vivid memories from about 4 years ago when I was so angry that I was literally thrashing around the house screaming and yelling at the top of my lungs during my prayer time. Yes, I was mad and screaming at God. I was finally at a point in my life where I was facing the fact I am gay and trying to reconcile that with my Christian beliefs. It was quite a dark period for me. Never before had I yelled at God. (Perhaps I was always afraid he might strike me dead with a bolt of lightning if I had yelled at him.) I remember the pain! 


The book's climax scene is something that tore my heart in two. I literally had a lump in my throat, and I was fighting back tears. My imagination was definitely allowing me to see the scenes play out in this book. Again, I think part of it had to do with the fact I had put so much of myself into Paul's character. I was sitting here feeling every ounce of Paul's sadness and fear throughout the last part of the book. It really is rather difficult to describe without giving away parts of the book, and I don't want to do that. Let me just say this...be ready for your heart to be ripped out. 


By the end of the book, I found myself wanting what Paul had finally found in this story. Yes, I found myself envious of what a senior high school character from a teen fiction book had finally found in his life. It is exactly what I want for my life.


Is that wrong? I don't think so. I believe it gives me hope and a goal for the future. 


So, with that, I will end with this off-sided review. I would like to say that I am extremely surprised and uplifted by this new genre I have discovered...teen LGTBQ books. As a teacher, I think it is important to help out youth through life. There will always been teens who are questioning who they are in life, and some of them will turn to literature for stories, guidance, etc. I am glad to see there are books like "The God Box" that offer students a look into a teenager's struggles with his orientation and his religion. I am thankful to those authors who are making an effort to support our youth with a genre of books that they go to when needed. Consequently, I think books such as this one should be read by anyone who is facing the same struggles I and Paul found ourselves in at different points of our lives. 


I have moved on to another of Alex Sanchez's books. This one is called "So Hard to Say." This one is about a 13-year old growing up trying to discover who he is in this life. I am only about 50 pages into it...I only began it today. Looks good so far!