The Cost of Sacrifice

Wow! It is 2:45 AM, and I am still awake. I seriously need to get some sleep. However, I feel the need to blog since it has been a while since my last post!

I want to take up the topic of sacrifice.

Looking at www.dictionary.com, the definition of sacrifice is the surrender or destruction of something prized or desirable for the sake of something considered as having a higher or more pressing claim.

This year, for me, has been one of great sacrifice. Earlier this year I made the choice to sacrifice my involvement in a wonderful state (and national) youth organization that I have loved and devoted a great amount of time to over the past 13 years. Just a rough estimate I would tell you that I have devoted over 75 weeks of time through various week-long camps and conferences, judging events, etc. I dare to say that this estimate is low, but it is what I came up with on short notice. I realize that 75 weeks is roughly 16 months of my life.

Why would I devote so much of my life to this youth organization? It is simple…I strongly believe in the achievements of this organization. I have seen thousands of students come through this organization. I have been continually amazed at the life skills these students obtain that can put them ahead of their counterparts who do not take part in this organization. I have been blessed and privileged to be intimately part of dozens of these students’ and families’ lives. In fact, I have gained many life-long friends (young and old) as a result of this organization. In truth, I have learned many skills that I now employ in my adult life. So my involvement has been mutually beneficial.

Today I made the (4-5 hour) drive to Nashville to check in at my hotel. I am here this week for training, and my hotel reservations began today. (For those of you on my facebook account, check out the pictures. It is a rather posh hotel!) Once I got checked in, I changed clothes and got back in my car. I then drove an additional 2.5 hours further west where the youth organization was conducting a state-wide event for high schoolers called Roundup. It is a week of academic competitions where students are awarded scholarships for college. There is lots of fun and education factored into this week. Since I could not go this week due to this training session, I wanted to be there at least tonight.

When I said I made a sacrifice this year, I was not kidding. I abruptly resigned from three state committees that I either chaired or was a member of at the time. One of those state positions was on the State Council. The Council is a group of 20 high schoolers, 2 adult voting members (me being one of them), and one advisor. Leaving the Council was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I love these guys and girls. They are some of the brightest, respectful, and loving people I know. I have not seen many of them since the last meeting I attended in the Winter.

When I arrived at the auditorium, I was bombarded by youth and adult volunteers who were shocked and happy to see me there. (I decided to make it all a surprise. I wasn’t sure that I would make it there tonight, and I did not want to disappoint.) I ended up hugging and talking to them all for quite some time before the Opening Assembly and “Pageant” took place. It was wonderful to see them all. I didn’t realize just how much I had missed them all until I was there among them.

As I watched the Assembly and Pageant from my usual spot in the balcony area, overlooking the youth, I was greeted with tons of students finding me up there and waving me down. The pageant is a series of skits put on by the State Council. I was supposed to be part of the skit, but that changed when I resigned. It was a blast to watch. These kids really are talented and amazing.

After the Assembly, the students were divided off into their geographical regions for regional meetings. At tonight’s meetings, each district would nominate and elect their choice for State Council president, vice-president, and junior representatives for the council. Somehow, I was instantly put to the podium to lead the elections process. It has been my job for years now, and they figured I might as well keep doing it. I was happy to take part. I actually love the election process. It teaches these students a great deal about public speaking, the elections procedure, etc.

Tonight I stood up there like a proud father as several of my students that I have worked with for several years were nominated and elected. My favorite student in this organization is Daniel. I have worked with him for several years now, and I have had the opportunity to help him grow from an unsure and quiet pre-teen to a self-confident, well-spoken, and intelligent young man. (I cannot take all the credit…he has an incredible family unit.) It has been my privilege to work with Daniel through the years. I truly consider him a good friend. We have this bond that has grown over the years. Tonight, he was elected to be our region’s candidate for State Council president. I am sure I had this stupid grin on my face after that vote. I looked over at Daniel and just gave him that look of “I told you so!” He was so unsure about running, but I know him and how others perceive him. He is everyone’s choice.

After the meeting and election, I spent some time talking with the State Council members. It was nice just to stand there are catch up with them all. I have missed so much this year in their lives. They are a riot, and I love just being around them all.

Daniel ended up pulling me aside to talk with me. He and I talked about how it stunk for me not to be around this year. Daniel told me that it just has not been the same this year with my absence. That made me pretty sad. I know that this sacrifice that I have made has really affected others in way I could not comprehend. I have been feeling as though I abandoned my kids. That is not something I wanted to do, but I knew that the youth organization would go on successfully. I was needed this year to be full-on as the president of our teachers’ association. I have spent much of my year fighting legislators in Nashville. It has left me little time for other things. But, I knew my teachers needed someone to be their voice on the hill. I am glad to have been there, but now I am seeing the cost of that sacrifice I made.

Tonight, as I left the campus to head back to my hotel, I was overcome with a feeling of sadness. It was heavy and it hit me quickly. Though I did not shed a tear, there was this awful lump in my throat. I realized just how much these kids (excuse me…young adults) have meant to my life over the years. I just sat in my car for a few minutes and had to pray. I needed to let this out, and God seemed like the best person to hear this.

I realized tonight that I need to make time to be around these young men and women. I want to continue to be in their lives. I want to be there as a support system for them. I want to be there and offer advice on colleges, life, etc. Yes, some of them will go on with life and never look back, but there are some that I know will be in my life, and I in theirs, for the rest of our lives. I do consider some of them very good friends.

Was the sacrifice justified at the time…Yes. I had to make a hard choice as to where to devote my time and energy. I believe I made the right choice.

Does it hurt…Yes! More than I can truly express here.

Will I ever get back into this organization I love so much…I truly hope so!

Now, I am going to stop here. I am phasing in and out of consciousness. It is time to close this out and get to sleep. Thanks for listening, my friends. I truly am grateful to each of you for your love and support.

Take Care!

Joey

Movie Night Tonight

Tonight I felt I needed a movie night, so I decided movie night at home. I am a sucker for romantic movies, so that is what I went looking for in my library. 

The movie I decided on was "Shelter." 

I cannot say enough about how much I love this movie. Yes, it is a gay-themed movie. However, this is a very well done and tasteful movie. It has a great plot, the characters are believable, and there isn't your stereotypical bad acting. I have seen this movie more times than I care to admit, but it is what I go to when I am feeling down. It seriously gives me some semblance of hope for a future with my partner (and maybe kids in there too.) 

 

The Dating Issues

Once again this summer, insomnia has reared its ugly head. Right now it is just after 2:30 in the morning, and I don't feel the least bit tired. Not a good way to start the week...I leave for Chicago in three days!

Tonight I had quite a long talk with a friend of mine. We just started off the conversation with how the Pride parade went on Saturday. My friend decided to march in the Pride parade, a fact that made me proud to know him. I stumbled onto a picture of him that someone had posted from the parade. The only comment I could think of to make was "Love the pink shirt."  (Well, I do have an affinity for pink. I have several pink shirts in my closet that I love to wear.)

Okay, back on track...

During our conversation, my friend asked me if I had been socializing much. (That is his round-about way of asking am I dating much.) First, I had to just sit back for a moment and laugh. It caught me off guard, but like most things I try to find the humor. I honestly have only known my friend, who we will refer to simply as K, for several months. He obviously doesn't know my dating record. (For the most part, most of you reading this will not know either.)

I quickly responded that me dating is a rare occurrence. My quick reply spurred quite a lengthy discussion as to why I do not date.

First, I let K know that I am just a big chicken. Most people in my life tend to see me as a very self-confident extrovert and perfectionist. They definitely have the perfectionist part right. However, many of them would be surprised to know I an a very self-conscious introvert. It borders on the line of being a social recluse. Take this weekend for instance. On Friday (my birthday), I spent the day alone. I actually escaped town and drove 90 miles away to spend the day in Pigeon Forge for shopping, go carts, laser tag, etc. I had a blast there, but when I got home I retreated back into the house. I did not see anyone for my birthday. (Good grief! That just sounds pitiful as I type it. Oh well. It is the truth!) Saturday and Sunday found me frozen to my couch. I was just alone, and didn't want to see or speak to anyone. There was a dark cloud over my head the entire weekend. About 6PM each night I finally did get a shower, get dressed, and then run out to pick up dinner. Even then I came back to the house and locked myself in for the night. Sadly, I even cancelled a dinner with a good friend of mine simply because I did not want to get out of the house.

It wasn't that I have been content staying in the house. I guess you could say some form of depressing had hit me, and kept me frozen to my couch. I lacked any motivation to get up and be productive. The same scenario usually plays true during the time I am working. (Remember, I am a teacher, so I work August to May.) I get to the school around 5:15 AM each morning, and I will work until 4:00 or 5:00 PM. Then I will come home, take a nap, and then putz around the house for the remainder of the night. I only go out if I have to do so.

Because of this self-imposed reclusive behavior, I don't get out much to meet people. In fact, I just don't date. It is rather difficult to meet someone when you never go out of the house.

Then came the question of how do I meet guys? The answer...I don't! The number of guys that I have date is few. It is important to remember that I didn't come to terms with being gay until I was 30. That means I have only been dating guys in the last 4 years. I know some people who could date a new guy or girl every other day, so they could rack up great numbers of dates in four years. I am not one of those people. Let's just estimate that the number of guys I have dated in the last four years is less than seven.

In truth, I don't know how to go about meeting guys. Tennessee is seen as a southern, bible-belt, conservative state. With that being said, I live in the upper northeast part of the state. It is known as the ultra-conservative part of the state. I only have two or three gay/lesbian friends in the area. All my other gay/lesbian friends live long distances away from me. So there are few friends around here like me. I don't have anyone here to talk with about how to meet guys. There is no one here to set me up with their friend. (I have had tons of straight friends over the years trying to set me up with their sister, niece, cousin, daughter, etc.)

K asked me if I went to clubs and bars. That was an easy question...NO! That has never been my scene. My anti-social nature does not like the club and bar life. It is usually too crowded, too smoky, too loud, etc.

Then we got into the more personal reasons as to why I don't date.

K asked me if I didn't date because I was scared of dating guys or if I was worried about others knowing I was gay. Part of this was easy to answer. I don't necessarily worry anymore about people knowing if I am gay. I spent 30 years of my life not accepting or knowing who I was. I am not about to go backwards. The people who know I am gay have either asked me or they are people who I felt needed to know. For the rest of the people in this world, it is none of their business. If they find out, it is of no consequence real to me. I cannot be fired for it, and it will not affect my job.

I suppose that leaves the question as I afraid of dating guys. On some level I suppose I am. Since my dating experiences with guys is very limited, I don't have a lot to go on. I don't know what type of guy is right for me. What I really worry about is why is this guy interested in me? That is the question always running through my head. I also don't know what kind of guys are out there. I definitely am not looking for a one-night stand, which I suppose is what I am always fearing.

Is this seriously making any sense???

The more I talked to K, the more I seemed to open up about history. For instance, I revealed that I have only ever truly loved once in my life. It was in my early 20s when I met Gwen. She was incredible, beautiful, and funny.We eventually were engaged to be married. Obviously it did not work out, but it was a mutual breakup.

Since that time I don't feel as though I have ever truly loved anyone...guy or girl.

Is this because I don't know how to love? Certainly not! I am capable of such love. My family, friends, and my students know of the love I have for others. I put all of them before myself. There is nothing I wouldn't do for them. That is unconditional love.

The truth is that I am afraid to love. For so many years I built up these emotional walls to protect myself from strife and pain. It is something I learned to do as a kid. My parents divorced when I was 5 years old. After their divorce, I had no relationship with my mother. Yes, I had other adults who showed me so much more love than I had ever known. The only problem was that I didn't feel love from the one person I needed the most...my mother. It was also an unspoken rule that my parents' divorce was never to be discussed. For years through my childhood and teenage years I blamed myself for some of my parents' issues. Then I saw my aunts, uncles, and even my grandparents getting divorces. Now I see my cousins (my age or younger) are now getting divorces.

Each divorce brought some amount of pain to me, and it reared some of the awful memories of my parents' split. I worked hard to build walls that would shield me from that pain again. All those awful memories made me vow not to ever marry, but it also has kept me from really getting out and dating others. There is always that fear of a painful breakup, arguments, etc. I know that fear shouldn't hold me back, but I have had it so long in my psyche that it is taking some time to get around.

One thing K and I discussed at length tonight is the fact I am constantly beating myself down. It is true, I am my harshest critic. I always focus on my faults rather than praise myself for what is good in my life. I have no problem telling myself what is wrong, but when it comes to praising myself I am usually at a loss for words. This carries over into picture of me. I hate them. There isn't but maybe one of two pictures that I have ever really liked of myself.  I just don't necessarily see myself as good or worthy enough for a date, a boyfriend, or a partner in life. When a guy shows an interest in me, I am often very skeptical and suspicious. I am always trying to decide what he really sees in me that makes him interested. I often ask myself "Why would he want to be with me?" No, it is not a healthy way of dating someone. It can also make you crazy. Because I can never seem to quite figure out why a guy is interested in me, I will turn away from his interests or advances. I seemingly drive him away.

Here is the million dollar question: Do I want to date and ultimately find a boyfriend or partner?

The fast answer is MOST DEFINITELY. I certainly am open to the idea of dating. My issue is that I just don't know how to go about dating. I must learn to let go of these preconceived notions and fear that are always in the back of my mind. I must allow these protective walls to be broken down. I have got to allow myself to love others and open up to truly being loved, too.

This is a journey that is likely to be uphill and difficult. In order to succeed I must have the will to make my way uphill even when it seems I cannot go on...I must keep fighting!

Thanks for listening, my friends. You are the best for sticking out and reading this lengthy post. I suppose a floodgate of feelings and emotions opened up tonight. It is now 3:50 in the morning. I have spent almost 80 minutes in front of this computer. The challenge now is to hit the "Publish Post" button. Do I have the courage to put this out there for everyone to see? Soon to find out!

Love to you all.
Joey

A Bit of Funny This Morning

Needed a good laugh this morning.

I am a huge fan of JM, and have been for quite a while. He is just a very laid-back performer, and you can't help but smile and sing along when you hear his music. He is also a fun performer to see live.

I found this clip on YouTube and about fell in the floor when we got to minute 4:27.

Enjoy!

A Week of Highs and Lows

Hello, friends! I have been so hesitant about posting on what I am about to discuss, but I need to get it off my chest today.

This week has been one of huge ups and downs.

For starters, I got a chance to return to summer camp this week as a leader. I have been volunteering at this camp for the past 13 years. Last year was the first time I was not able to go all summer long. It just about killed me last summer to tell them I would not be there. I was ecstatic when we got to the camp on Monday. All I can say is that the week was wonderful. The weather cooled off after seeing temps in the 90s for the past few weeks. Plus, my evenings are spent as the camp nurse. I get to care for the ailing and accident-prone. I am happy to say that it was a pretty uneventful week in first aid until Thursday evening, but nothing we couldn't handle.

The worst part of my week came on Wednesday night. I left camp around 2:30 that afternoon to attend a funeral. The funeral service was for a former student I had 5 years ago. His name is Dylan. He died from a drug overdose on Monday, June 6. He was just trying to get a high, and he went too far. It cost him his life. One of his friends evidently found him face-down on the floor of his bedroom. Words cannot describe the sorrow I felt as I learned of Dylan's unexpected death on Tuesday morning as word spread across Facebook.

I did not realize it would take 9 more days before the funeral. There was an autopsy, and Dylan's body was not released until Thursday night.To add to the problem, the family could not afford a funeral and burial for Dylan. His mother is a single, working mom. There was no way she had any money for this. Calls started going out to help raise money for the funeral. There was a few fundraisers arranged. Finally the money was raised, so the funeral service was held on Wednesday.

I arrived to the funeral around 5:00. It had started raining that afternoon, which was just appropriate for this. As I walk into the funeral home, all I can see around me are 15 and 16 year olds just balling their eyes out. They were just sobbing uncontrollably. My heart was breaking as I stood there in the receiving line. I finally get to the casket where Dylan's mother is standing. I speak to Vicki for several minutes. We talked about how Dylan was a great young man with a wonderful attitude, a caring personality, and a demeanor that just made everyone love him. No he was not perfect, and we all realize that, but he was a loving kid. As I looked over to Dylan lying in the casket I just about lost it. My knees went weak and I had to fight hard to hold back the tears. It got harder and harder to talk with Vicki. I finally told her how sorry I was and how much we all loved Dylan. She thanked me for being there and said how much Dylan loved me and my class. That meant a lot to me, and I greatly appreciated her words to me even in her time of grief.

As I began to leave the funeral home I passed several students who stopped me to say hello. They were all sobbing and could barely stand. What made this worse for me was when I ran into TJ. I was walking out of the funeral home towards my car when I heard someone say "Mr. C?" I stopped, turned around, and saw TJ. I went over to where TJ was standing surrounded by a number of other students. TJ is another of my former students, and he has been Dylan's best friend before kindergarten. I remember TJ and Dylan's friendship when they were in my class. They were inseparable. I got to TJ and just hugged him. He and I both fought to hold back the tears. I took several minutes to talk with TJ to make sure he was okay. All he could say is how unreal it all felt. It was obvious he was still in a daze. He had lost his best friend that has been around most of his life, and now that best friend is gone.

After talking with TJ, I made a bee-line for the car. I got in the car and lost it. My whole body was shaking, I could barely breathe, and I began to cry. My heart was breaking for Dylan's family, for TJ, and for the rest of their friends. I just sat there for a few minutes trying to calm down enough to drive back to the camp. Luckily, the drive back to camp took an hour, so I regained my composure by the time I returned.

One of my greatest fears as an educator is losing a child. I have often feared that losing a child in my care would send me over the edge and into a psychiatric hospital. I did not ever imagine losing a former student just a few years after having them in my classes. It hurt and still hurts today. I know my pain cannot even come close to the pain Vicki (Dylan's mother) or TJ are feeling right now. I have spent some time in the past two weeks checking up on all my former students who were affected by Dylan's passing. I am trying to make sure they are all handling the news and taking the necessary time to grieve and recover. Yes, they may be gone from my care, but they are still partly mine. I have to make sure everyone is okay.

So, it has been one week of emotional highs and extreme lows. My mind and body have been utterly exhausted. I got home from camp on Friday afternoon after a lunch meeting with a union representative from Nashville. I climbed onto the couch and fell asleep for 15 hours. Yes, I was tired. Today has been a slow one. I have been traipsing around the house just worn out.

Tomorrow is Father's Day. I am going to try and get my dad to meet me for lunch in Knoxville. I know he will try to make some excuse so I won't come down. It is not that he doesn't want me to be there. He simply doesn't want to inconvenience me or make me pay for fuel to get there. Yes, he is a worrier. I love him for that. Some day I will convince him that (1) I work and can afford the fuel, and (2) meeting up to see him is NEVER an inconvenience.

Thanks for listening! You all are the best!
Take care,
Joe