One Year Ago : A Tribute

I wanted to take a moment to remember and celebrate the life of a blogger many of us knew as Razz.

Razz (aka Chris) was a 19 year old blogger from England. I will admit that I came upon Razz's blog in March of last year. I didn't know at the time that the blog post that I read would be his last one. Nor did I know that he was soon to pass away. For those reasons, I did not get the chance to know Razz personally. However, I did take the time to read his blog in its entirety. The more I read, the more I felt as though I knew this awesome character. The best description I read of him came from Torchy. He described Razz as "a totally sorted, happy, and inspirational young man."

What drew me most to Razz and his blog was his love of life and who he was. My favorite times in Razz's life was when he came to America to attend a university. It was there he met Jay. Their story is awesome.

It was one year ago today that Razz lost his battle with bone cancer. Razz was taken from this world in the prime of his life. He left in his wake so many people who were touched by his life, either personally or through his writing. He inspires me to want to live my life.

So if you will, take a few moments this evening (either in prayer or just in thought) to think about Razz and the many lives touched by this remarkable gent from across the great pond.

HERE is a link to his blog called "Doin' Me Head In"
HERE you will find a site dedicated to the memory of Razz.

Before ending this thought, I wanted to bring a quote to you from Razz about his look back on his life. I think you will see what I mean by an inspirational guy:

"I've just had a bit of time to think and reflect,

and I came to realize that up to this point,

I've actually lived the life I wanted.

And that's what makes it perfect.

That makes me happy." 

(taken from Razz's post)

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To any of my fellow bloggers who knew Razz, I was curious to know if anyone had heard from Jay, Ste, or any of his friends? I simply hope they have found some peace and happiness since losing their beloved brother and friend. If you have heard, please email me and let me know. Thanks! 

My Heart Has a Rip in It

I have spent some time today debating with myself whether I would post this or not, but there have been some events in the past 24 hours that make me sure I want to post. I guess it means my blood is boiling a bit.

Last night I was working my butt off trying to meet a publishing deadline for the school's yearbook. As much as I had been working, I had to stop myself to catch the one show I watch on Wednesday nights...The Real World : DC. I have been an avid follower of the show since season two. Who knew this show would take off as it did and was as sustainable. Okay, focus...

Tonight's episode spent a majority of the time focusing on the relationship between Mike and his on-again boyfriend, Tanner.

I was impressed by Mike's openness of his love for Tanner. Neither he or Tanner were afraid to show their love for each other. They were holding hands down the street, hugging each other, etc. That is not something you see much of in public...well, at least not in my little town.

Honestly, I needed to see that. I struggle even hugging my gay friends in public. That's right, I still have lots of fear. I account part of that to be from my extremely conservative upbringing, and a big part of that is my denial and hatred of myself for so long. Watching Mike and Tanner really put some sliver of hope in my heart. I smiled just watching these two in love and not afraid to say it.

That was not remotely close to where I wanted this post to go, but as usual my mind will wonder from time to time. I really wanted to talk about the end of the show when Tanner returns home to the Midwest. To catch everyone up on this, at that point of the show Tanner was not out to his family. He had an incredibly strong relationship with his family. They were supporting him while he was finishing college.

Upon returning from his visit with Mike, Tanner made the choice to come out to his parents so they could know of the love Tanner had for Mike. Tanner began by telling his mother that he wanted to share with her who the love of his life was. His mother's comment was "Just let it be a girl. I don't care what she's like, as long as she is a girl." Obviously that was not going to be the case. Tanner revealed he was gay and in love with Mike. At that point, Tanner's family shunned him.

Tanner calls Mike near the end of the episode just inconsolable. It was at that point my heart ripped a bit. It hurt for Tanner. I cannot see how a family that loves him so much can decide that he is no good and essentially want to disown him, as well as cut off their support of him...all of this because of the person he loves. How can a mother or father deny their child love and happiness? I don't understand. It makes me furious to think about it.

I do need to stop here and say that the episode left us hanging, not knowing if Tanner's family cut him off. We will have to wait until next week to find that out.

Ironically, I find myself in a predicament of my own. I have not come out to my mother. I have such a great amount of anxiety and fear about that day. I know my mother's religious convictions, and I respect that. I am simply afraid of losing her again in my life. My childhood is wrought with my mother not being present from age 5 to age 18. We have spent the past 10 years or so building a relationship again as mother and son. I love my mother with every ounce of my being. What if she decides that I am not worthy and therefore she would choose to stay out of my life? I don't know that I could handle that very well. As I sit here writing this I feel my body shake, and I am fighting back tears just thinking about the possibility of losing her again. This is the strength of this fear.

Believe me when I tell you that I long to let my mother know more about me. Who I will one day love is a part of my life that I want to share with her, but I don't know that I will be able to do it. My mother knows of the responsible, extremely hard-working, caring, and compassionate son she has. Alas, she does not know of another important part of my life...one that I did not share with ANYONE for so many years. Will she continue to love me for who I am and who I love? Will she shun me? Oh, I wish I had someone that could give me the answers to these questions. If I knew them, then I could make a decision as to tell or not to tell.

This is my mother...seriously! 

I think because of my relationship with my mother, I was able to personally connect to Tanner's story. Like I said, my heart ripped a bit last night learning about his parent's response to him sharing his life with them.

Part two of this story was something I did not expect, but it was the main reason I got so fired up on this today. My friend Mikey has been struggling with coming out to his mom for a while now. In today's post he reveals to us that he told his mother he is gay. My heart was ripped further when I learned of his mother's reaction to the news. She told him he was not gay; it is that he is just going through a rough time right now.

Mikey's mother did not shun or disown him as in Tanner's story, but I think her reaction was just as painful. If you would like to read his post about coming out to his mother, CLICK HERE.

I do believe that Mikey's mother will continue to love him as she always has. I also am hopeful that her denial will fade with time, and that she will accept her son for the man is today. From what I have learned about her over the past year, I do have that hope. I can see her turning around one day and standing up for her son when he hurts, when he is in love, when he is at his happiest. Yes, Mikey, I can see that!

The point of this post is simple...how can parents who claim to love their children instantly turn around and shun them from their lives because of who they love? How can they be our examples of unconditional love when it is so obvious that, in some cases, the love IS conditional.

Again, my heart is ripped today and it hurts for Tanner, Mikey, and those living in the same situation. Know that each of you is loved by many people in this world. You are never alone. We will ALWAYS be here for you...no matter what!

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I wanted to add this picture simply because it made me laugh. This is Mike and Tanner during a time they were volunteering with the Human Rights Campaign (HRC). 

Found this video on YouTube this afternoon while taking a break from grading papers. The video is the first release from the four remaining members of Boyzone, since the death of their band mate and brother, Stephen Gatley. The song is beautiful, but the video is incredible. The raw emotion and sadness is still there, 5 months after Stephen's death. I was compelled to post it.

Marriage???

A got a phone call last night from a close friend of mine (K). She had called to tell me about the conference she had attended over the weekend. Originally, I was scheduled to attend, but I decided not to go so I could get some well-needed rest. She proceeded to tell me that there were a couple people (E & G) at the conference that were asking about me and my reactions to the whole job hiring fiasco that transpired a few weeks ago. My friend was very upfront with how I had been feeling. Gotta love friends that will stand up for you.

Part two of this story had me rolling on the floor.

Near the end of their conversation, K told me that there was a change in the conversation. She said that E & G were gearing up to ask about my personal life. Evidently, I mentioned my weekend of seeing Spring Awakening during an interview question. (The question during the interview was how do I deal with stress. I mentioned hiking, movies, theatre, etc. Hey, they asked!) The discussion continued to was I married, dating anyone, or whatever. Then, E & G began to ask a question, but they couldn't seem to produce the words to ask. Finally, one of them asked K if I could get legally married in our state...

K, being the ever witty one just smiled and said YES & NO.

At this point in the story, I was laughing so hard I could have peed my pants. I couldn't believe that the question was so difficult for them to ask. I loved the legal marriage question being posed. Very insightful and tactful I thought.

So here's the deal...I have spent the past three years trying to finally discover who I am. It has been a long road to get where I am as of today. While I know that I have a long way to go, I am finally proud of who I have become. (Those of you who know me, personally, know that I have never been a self-assured person. Times, they are a-changin'!)

How do I know I have come a long way from where I was three years ago? It's simple...I had no fear when K was telling me I had been outed to E & G. If anything, there was a sense of relief. This revelation to E & G does not, in any way, change who I am in this world. I am still the same obsessive-compulsive, ADHD, caring, and driven individual. I am the one who works to take care and to serve others before himself.

I guess where I wanted to go with this post is that any fear I have had in the past years seems to be slowly fading away. I am smiling as I write this because I am finally beginning to believe it.

Thanks to all of you for you love and support over the past few years. Some of you have been here through thick and thin. You have helped me realize that I am exactly who I was meant to be. I will never be able to repay all the talks, words or support, and sheer kindness you have given me.

I hope that I will be able to return the support to someone else in need in the future.
PAY IT FORWARD!

I love this video.

It is Cyndi Lauper singing her hit "True Colors"

from As the World Turns

When I was in the military

They gave me a medal for killing two men

Ans a discharge for loving one.

I found this picture today on the Facebook page of a great friend. I think the picture speaks volumes. 

Consequently, my good friend was discharged from the US Army for being gay a couple years ago. Being a good friend of mine, you can bet I was pretty ticked off by how he was treated. All of this happened because someone had a vendetta against him and sent emails to his commanding officers outing him as gay. Yes, my friend even made national headlines several years ago. To make it worse, he was an Arabic linguist. He was someone who was crucial to our wars in Afghanistan and Iraq, but our leaders decided he was not fit to serve because of who he loved. 

Being an American, I am ashamed of the continued discrimination of approximately 66,000+ men and women in our Armed Forces who identify as gay, lesbian, or bi-sexual. 

Each school day (and beyond), I teach my students to love, honor, and respect one another. I try to teach them that under the auspices of the United State Constitution, all men (and women) are equal in the eyes of the law. However, how can I look my students in the eye and tell them that every American...all 300,000,000+, live and follow the Constitution? Truth is that discrimination is alive and rampant in this wonderful country we call home. My 6th graders are not blind. They see, hear, and observe everything. 

Love, honor, and respect one another! 

When will the adults learn the same lesson that my kids understand so easily? 

Perhaps the adults need to go back to school...

The picture above just sent shivers through me and set off a spark that ignited in me. Thus, this posting. Thanks for listening.