Holding Hands and Ingrid

For two years I have been dying to see Ingrid Michaelson in concert. Two years ago I had 2nd row tickets to see her in concert, but I ended up having to be out of town that weekend. I was crushed. Finally, Ingrid rolled into Knoxville last night and put on a most incredible concert.

The only low point of the experience was the two girls sitting next to me. They couldn't have been older than 17 or 18. They were making fun of people around us in the theater. It took all the strength I had not to say something to them. Instead, I chose to enjoy the concert.

During the concert something caught my eye, and it kept my attention for quite a while. Sitting behind me and slightly to the left were these two guys. They obviously are in a relationship. How did I know that? It was pretty clear when they were holding hands through some of Ingrid's romantic-type songs. Being the polite Southerner that I am, I did not conspicuously turn completely around and stare. Luckily, my peripheral vision is excellent, so I watched out the corner of my eye.

Yes, I found it to be very "cute" and romantic. I just sat back, enjoyed the incredible music and coyly smiled at the thought of these two guys behind me in love and holding hands.

Growing up in what I call the "buckle of the Bible Belt," seeing two guys holding hands in public is something I never expect to see. Just a few years ago they would have been ridiculed. But, that was not the case this time. I know several other people around us all noticed them. I even saw many of these people smiling once they saw it too. I am amazed and thrilled at the fact that even in the South a gay couple can be in public holding hands. It says a lot of how far my beloved South has come.

Am I saying that it is the same everywhere in the South...absolutely not. However, the more urban areas of the South, such as Knoxville, seem to be transitioning in the life of the cities.

I will be totally honest. I was somewhat saddened and jealous at the same time. I saw this young couple (maybe 23 or 24...man, I feel old) of guys can be open in their love for one another. While I had hope and happiness in my heart, I found myself longing for the same thing. I look back at the journey of my life, and it is hard to imagine how my life would be different if I were able to come out to myself and others in my early 20s instead of waiting until I was 30.

I know I am tough on myself, and that is something I am used to at this point. However, I know that I have got to make some changes in my life if I want to be able to finally open up to a future relationship(s). I have to realize that it is perfectly okay to open up and love someone.

Just wanted to share this little bit with you. I realize now that there is hope for the South.

Take care!
Joey

Challenges Ahead

For the record, I don't enjoy talking about my emotions! This has been somewhat of a challenge in my life. I have never been one to show a great deal of negative emotion. You would never know I was angry, upset, or downright depressed. I have become a master (or at least I thought so) of hiding my emotions from the world. I don't have the luxury of being depressed, angry, upset, etc...especially when I am at work. I teach 6th graders that need me everyday. I cannot be a source of negativity in their lives. So, I put up walls and shield my emotions.

This all came to a head this week. For the past 6+ months, I have been battling a depression that I cannot seem to get past. It has been a very rough time. I basically have been going to work, staying late each day, and coming home. When I get home, I virtually lock myself in the house and block the outside world. I have felt trapped in this rut. I have felt like a prisoner in my own house. Thus, the depression has been difficult to fight.

I finally decided to go see a doctor for help. I went to a local, and very well respected psychiatrist here in town. We had quite the discussion about present life, work, home life, hobbies, etc. Then we got into family history, childhood, my teenage years, college, and beyond.

At the end of the session the doctor delivered some very interesting thoughts. He said it was obvious that I am ADD/ADHD. My only thought was "NO S#!%." He thinks that my ADD/ADHD can be a contributing factor to my depression.

Then came a blow to my psyche! The doctor seems to think I could have Bipolar II disorder. I was sitting there freaking out in my own head. I have a cousin who has is bipolar. I thought, "I am nothing like her." Then the doctor explained the difference between what my cousin has and the type of bipolar disorder he thinks I have.

We discussed a number of options. He has given me two weeks to do my own research on the disorder and a number of treatment options. I like being able to look everything up and to be part of the decision for treatment.

I left the doctor and went straight to the school to get work done. However, the only problem was that I was in panic mode. I couldn't think of anything else except what the doctor had told me. I just went home and locked myself up for the night. All evening long I was in panic mode. My mind was racing with various scenarios. I could not get settled down.

I had to go to work the next day. That meant I had to put on the brave face, all for the sake of my kids. However, all week long I have had these thoughts in the back of my mind.

Now I am left wondering what to do. The whole idea of medication gives me chills. I have never been one who likes to be medicated. In my mind, it means I cannot take care of myself. It means I have failed on some level to manage my life. However, I am working through those struggles trying to decide what to do.

The simple truth is that I need to get my life back on track. I need to recover and take the world by storm! There is so much more I need to accomplish, and this is an unacceptable roadblock.

For those of you that pray, I sure could use your prayers!

Love you, friends!
Joey

Patrik 1.5

Tonight I decided to look on Netflix for a movie I had yet to see. This movie, Patrik Age 1.5, came across my recommended movies. I looked up the summary of the movie and was instantly intrigued.

You can judge for yourself, but I loved this movie...even if it is in Swedish.

My Sordid Past

We all have things in our past that make us cringe at time. Here is mine.

Oh, friends, I kid you not! This show taped every Friday evening and Saturday morning from the time I was in high school through some of my college years. We taped two shows on Friday night, and most of us were back on Saturday morning to tape the remaining three shows for a week's set. It was a blast and I loved it. However, I take a lot of flack from friends when they discover I used to do this. It's all fun! 

Thankfully, you will not find me on this video. (Believe me, I have been watching it back and forth making sure I am out of it!) Thus endeth the show and tell! 

A New Year Has Begun

Summer is over! School is back in session!

That's right. We began our new school year today. The past week leading up to this day have been a roller coaster of emotions. I am always excited to begin a new school year. New kids...new parents...new adventures!

Last week, I learned that my teammate and I will have 17 special education students on our team of just 50 kids. That means that approximately 1 in 3 of my kids have a learning disability or other disability that affects their learning. Last Tuesday I was going into panic mode at this discovery. My teammate and I met with one of our 6 special education teachers. She is the case manager for our 17 kids. She was going through each child's needs. The more I heard, the greater the weight I was feeling on my shoulders.

At the end of the meeting, I felt myself getting sick. I was nauseous, and I even had to dash to the restroom to vomit. A panic/anxiety attack was in full force. I actually went into the school's clinic to lay down for a bit. I was just so overwhelmed by it all. At 3PM, I went home and curled up in a ball on my couch. Can you say "fetal position?"

The next morning, I could not get out of bed. I was emotionally frozen. I didn't want to move. Finally, around 9 AM, I was able to pull myself out of bed, into the shower, and then off to school. When I arrived at the school, I immediately went into my assistant principal's office to talk with her. She asked if I was okay. Apparently, I looked awful. I just shook my head that I wasn't okay, and at that point I broke down in her office.

She looked shocked. My AP couldn't figure out what was wrong. I told her that I was having such great doubt about my ability to be an effective teacher this year given the enormity of the number of kids in my class that are classified as special ed. (Did I mention some hallways don't have a single special education student?!?!) Donna (my AP) told me that we were selected for this group of kids because they had great faith in our abilities as teachers. They saw my test scores at the end of the last year, and knew I could get results from my special ed kids.

I finally calmed myself down and talk about the kids. I told her I would take it one day at a time.

I don't really want to get into all the information about my special ed kids, because the list is so lengthy. However, there is one that I want to share with you.

I was told I will have a 6th grade boy who has muscular distrophy (I cannot remember the specifics just yet).  We were told that his condition had worsened over the past year. In fact, he had gained over 100 pounds in just the past 12 months due to his condition. We were told that doctors are giving him less than a year to live.   They told us that his anger level has escalated as he has come to better understand the finality of his life. He has given up on academics.

I told my principal that the only fear I have ever had as a teacher is to have a student that I am teaching to pass away. I don't know how or if I would be able to handle it. I don't know if I could mentally and emotionally get myself under control to help care for my other kids. It sends chills down my spine just thinking about it now.

This was all last week. We had a meet and greet event last Thursday to get a preview of some of the kids and parents we would have this year. I have to admit that my anxiety level dropped after getting to meet some of the incredible kids that came to the meet and greet. It helped me prepare myself for today.

This morning, around 7:50 I received word that my MD student arrived at the school, and that he would soon be down my hall. From what I had heard before today, I was expecting a student in horrible shape who could barely get around. Boy was I surprised.

Jackson (name changed for anonymity) rolled into my classroom. He was obviously nervous. However, when he saw a student he knew, he began to relax and open up. Throughout the day he was participating in class, raising his hand, laughing, contributing, etc.

This was not the student I was expecting. I was shocked, but more than pleasantly surprised. I spoke to to his physical therapist who is now located at our school. She said she had not seen this side of Jackson. She was more than thrilled by this.

After school today I spoke with Donna about Jackson. She said she was also not expecting what she saw today. She spoke with Jackson outside at the buses this afternoon. He told her he was nervous this morning, but he was loving this school. He said he loved being in my class.

I will be honest with you...that right there made my day, week, and year. I was just happy to be able to make this kid smile and bring some semblance of joy to this kids life. 

I was speaking with another colleague this evening, and she said it was amazing to think we never know why certain kids cross our classroom doorways. We don't know why we were the ones chosen to be in their lives. It really got me to thinking about why I became a teacher. I became a teacher because I wanted to make a difference in the lives of the children I meet and teach. I lost sight of that in the panic and anxiety of last week. Somehow, getting to meet Jackson today, and seeing how happy he was with us...even if only for a short time, really put it all into perspective. I know now that I will continue to do just that. I will work my butt off day in and day out to make sure my students get the very best education possible. I will be there for them when they need that extra bit of support and joy in their lives. With me, they will be protected and thrive in my care!

So, it was a rough start last week. However, today brought new surprises and a few miracles that I needed to see to know I am in the right place.

Till next time!