Yes, I realize that yesterday, October 11, was National Coming Out Day! However, I have toiled with this post for a few days.
National Coming Out Day is meant to be a day when all those in the LGBT community unite and support those making their way out of the proverbial closet. Yesterday I read through a number of facebook posts and blogs which were all geared towards National Coming Out Day. I read of those who were making a public statement to all they know. I read coming out stories of the past. I read of those still struggling to build up the courage and make their way out of the closet. As I read these stories and proclamations of life, I was left wondering where I fell into the spectrum.
First, let me just get it out of the way. Yes, I am a gay man. I cannot tell you how many years (and they were many, many years) it took me to even have the ability to say that out loud. I spent the the time from entering college up until my 30th birthday ignoring and hiding from who I was in this life. I worked very hard to keep the denial going. I threw myself into two college degrees, two different careers, and countless amounts of volunteer work. I loved being the busy body, probably because it works well with my ADD. However, in truth, I was hiding from myself. I had no relationships with men or women from the time I ended my engagement to Gwen (at age 22) up until after my 30th birthday.
My struggles aren't unlike many others in this world. I fought hard not to be gay. There were endless days and nights of my praying to God to take away the gay in me. I told God I didn't understand why I was having these thoughts and feelings. I grew up in the Southern Baptist Church. Like many sects of Christianity, I was taught that homosexuality was wrong and that I would burn in Hell for it. Yes, I had that fear repeating over and over in my head. The fear was so much that I would spend days literally crying our to God. That fear and sadness would eventually turn into anger. My prayers of confusion and pleading led to yelling episodes at God. I would be pacing through my house screaming and yelling at God. I was mad. I did not understand why God would choose to ignore my pleas to remove these thoughts and feelings. Like so many of my students, I was thirsting for information and explanations. I needed to know WHY!
Finally the message from God came. Ironically enough, it came after I decided to let go and stop yelling at God in anger. I ultimately made the choice to listen. The message came through loud and clear through a medium God knew would hit me right in the heart...music. My love of all types of music helped me through this time in my life. It was at that point I received several songs that really touched my heart and put me at peace with who I am...with who I was made to be!Suffice it to say that I still listen to these same songs every week of my life.
It was around my 30th birthday that I finally made the choice to accept that I am gay. There was this weight lifted off my shoulders. I cannot explain it better than that. Knowing and accepting who I am was a long and arduous journey. At this point, I decided I needed to tell others about what had been going on in my life. Many friends had commented that I had been sad for so long. They wanted to know what had changed. Why was I smiling more? Why did I have a new calmness about me.
Like many of us, I decided to start with telling my friends. I was not ready to tell my family yet. I wanted to tell those who I knew would support and accept me. Amber is someone I have known since my sophomore year in high school. She was now living up here in my area, and we were in the process of getting to know each other once again. We were at lunch one day, and I finally just had to tell her. Amber's face lit up, and her response was "What took you so long?" Now, let me just stop and say that was not the response I was expecting. You never expect those around you to be so nonchalant about the whole ordeal that takes many of use such grand amounts of strength just to get it out of our mouths. As we sat and talked I just smiled. I couldn't help myself. I was just relieved that I was not losing a good friend.
The next friend to tell was my best friend, Jenny. I had it all planned out. She and I were meeting up in Virginia one weekend to attend a wedding of one of our college friends. All weekend I tried to work up the courage to tell Jenny what was going on in my life. I just couldn't do it. I had numerous opportunities to tell her, but the lump in my throat was too big. I finally told her as we were about to depart from breakfast on that last day together. I just stopped in the parking lot and worked it out of me. Jenny just smiled, hugged me, and we must have talked for another hour in the parking lot. One thing about telling your best friend is that if they truly are your best friend then nothing would change. And absolutely nothing changed between us. However, the funny part of this was that Jenny outed our friend Jason during our conversation. That cracked me up.
Since that time, about 4 years ago, I have gone through many different changes in life.
One of the first changes I made was to begin a blog to help get my thoughts and feelings out of my head. The blogging experience has been a huge blessing for me. Not only has it allowed me to share my life, I have reaped many rewards. The best reward I have received is the friendships I have made through this process. There are those I have spoken with through email, phone, chat, skype, etc. Many of these great friends are the ones who continually read through these rant and rave sessions I put out in the blogosphere! You each mean the world to me, and I am thankful every day for your friendship and love.
There are a handful of fellow bloggers who have become great close friends of mine. These are the ones who have reached out to me and gotten to know me beyond this blog. These are the ones who have also let me into their lives. These extra-special people hold a piece of my heart, and they are the gifts sent by God! Love you guys!
One of the most interesting effects of the blog has been my connection to the Mohos of the world. Growing up I only knew 3 people in my entire county who were Mormon. Now I have built numerous great friendships with countless people who happen to have grown up in the Mormon faith. I have learned so much about them, and that is a gift I didn't expect. I have learned a great deal about the Mormon faith and the LDS church. I did not realize how so much of their beliefs and ways of life mirrored my own Southern Baptist upbringing. The comparisons are endless.
For those of you new to the term, you may be asking "What is a Moho?" Honestly, I had to look it up myself. Moho refers to a homosexual Mormon. I could not even begin to imagine the connections and friendships I have made with those who identify as Moho. I think our similarities in religious beliefs and upbringings made our connections stronger. It is funny at times when some of my Moho friends realize, for the first time, that I am not Mormon. The struggles my Moho friends have had in comparison to mine has led us to great friendships. I value this group of my friends more than I can say. What would my life be without them? I love you guys!
I have come out to a number of colleagues at my school. Especially in my career and in my volunteer work, I have chosen to not to hide who I am, but I have also chosen not to broadcast it to the world either. Yes, it is a delicate balance. I suppose you can say it is on a need-to-know basis. I don't ask my colleagues whether they are heterosexual, homosexual, or bi-sexual. It is none of my business. However, if a colleague asks me, I have no problem telling them the truth. It is only a part of who I am in this life. Why should it affect how I perform my job?
I will go on record and say that I have definitely outed myself to a few of the students that I work with in my volunteer associations. The main reason is that these student were struggling with being gay, and I felt they needed someone to speak with who can identify with them and offer sound advice. It has turned out to be a rather good choice for all.
On the flip side of the token, I continue to not publicize being gay due to the area of the country in which I live. I live in a very uber-right wing part of the bible belt. Yes, I have known teachers who have been outed by parents who don't want a gay person teaching their children. While I know that much of what has happened around here is due to the ridiculous stereotypes in the world. While some parents know, these are parents I have known for several years and consider them great friends. These are parents who would come to my defense at any moment I needed them. That does give me some comfort. Does this all mean I live in fear of being outed by a parent? Not in the slightest. If that happens, I will hold my head high and not be ashamed or scared that my job will be gone.
In fact, I now stand as the current president of our school system's teacher association. I have been the president for the past 3 years. Over the last year, I have been working with our school system leaders to include our LGBT family in employment protection and domestic partner insurance. So I am definitely stepping out there into the bright lights. Again, no fear!
I would like to address the topic of coming out to my family. At this point in life, I have only come out to my dad and my paternal aunt. Do I fear losing some of my family members? Yes I do. Knowing my family, I have no doubt that I will be disowned by certain members of my family. While that does bother me on some level, I also cannot let it rule or ruin my life. Most of the family I will lose are those in my extended family who may not really know me so well. I am aware my dad has told my brother. My brother has not treated me any different, and that makes me happy. While we do not have a close relationship, it is good to know he is accepting of who I am. The only others who I will choose to tell in the near future are my cousins. We are all a close-knit group of cousins, and I do not fear any ill feelings from them.
The one person in the equation that I have such uncertainty about is my mother. For those of you who have just recently been reading this blog, I must tell you that I did not have a relationship with my mother from age 5 to 18. Since age 18, my mother and I have been rebuilding our mother-son relationship. The rebuilding has been easy for us at times since I am much like her in many ways. (My brother has many of my dad's traits.) She and I have a strong mother-son connection, but it is nowhere near where I would like it to be. I still don't feel my mother knows all about my life. She only gets information about my life when we talk, which is about every other month. However, I cannot imagine my life without her.
I grew up longing for that love from and relationship with her. I look at the bond my dad had with his mother, and I am jealous. My grandmother had such unbreakable ties with all three of her kids. I longed for that, and I long for it still.
My fear is that if I choose to come out to my mother then she will choose to sever all ties with me. I have lived through that once as a child. It took many years and therapy for me to work through. I cannot imagine what it will do to me if I have to live through it again. I don't know that I can take losing her a second time in my life. It is quite the conundrum. Do I not tell my mother and continue to try and build a stronger bond? Do I share this part of my life with my mother and risk losing her again?
There is a third piece of this puzzle. Do I choose not to tell her, and simply restrict that portion of my life from her? Do I choose to only let her in to certain parts of my life?
I apologize for the lengthy (and sometimes random) post tonight. It just seems that flood gates have opened today, and I needed to get this off my chest. Thanks for listening!
My love to you all!
Joey
