Are You Livin' or Are You Existin'?

Fall break is over and the kiddies return to school in the morning. I am sitting here on my couch writing lesson plans, powerpoint presentations, etc. I find myself having an extremely difficult time because my mind is racing in 20,000 different directions. So now I feel the need to get this out of my head...I have to so I can focus.

I was chatting with M online tonight. We got into this discussion of how life is going for me being a gay man. I tried as best as I could to explain my life. I said that I only accepted the fact that I am gay about 2 years ago. I have only been out to people for a year to a year and a half, and still not out to others. I have only dated one guy, and that only lasted about a month. Basically, he could not handle the insanely busy schedule that I keep. I am constantly on the go, so I don't really have time to deal with having a relationship or being alone.

M asked me if that is LIVING. Instantly I remembered a line from the movie "The Family That Preys" (By the way, if you get a chance check out this movie. It is a Tyler Perry movie, but one of his dramas. The cast includes Kathy Bates, Alfree Woodard, Tyler Perry, and others. It is a great cast. The movie is incredible and worth the time.) The line from the movie is a question that Alfree Woodard remembers Kathy Bates asks her. She says "Alice Evans...are you livin' or are you existin'?"

It is exactly the point M was trying to make.

As I thought about it, I knew the answer was that I am just existin'.

As with everything else in my life, I basically throw myself in my career and volunteer work. By staying so extremely busy I don't have to deal with anything else. My days consist of going to the school, teaching kids, meetings after school, workout, home for a short nap if needed, off to my office to work on more school stuff, laundry, clean house, etc.

I know I have mentioned this in my other posts, but I don't have a chance to go out and date in my area. The biggest reason is that every time I go out somewhere I will see someone that I know. I will see students, former students, parents of former students, other teachers, or whoever. My fear is that if it discovered that I am gay man teaching in a middle school there might be parents who would pull their students out of my classes or out of the school. I live in a very sounthern, uber-conservative part of the country. It may sound paranoid, but I have seen parents use this against a colleague of mine to try and get them fired. Just a bit of FYI, this colleague did not get fired. The principal stood up and said that we are not going there. I know I would have the support of my fellow teachers and administration, but I don't won't to go down that road.

Because of these fears I have, I make a choice not to go out and socialize with other gay men. I don't do clubs and I definitely don't do hookups. It's just not me. I suppose you could say it goes back to my conservative and religious upbringing. I simply choose not to act on these feelings I have. It seems I am choosing to remain single.

Well, maybe...

I wouldn't say that I am making the single life my choice. I am simply choosing not to get out there and meet people. I am always finding excuses to not go out...work, exhaustion, work, etc.

Before anyone asks, YES it is lonely at times. (more and more often, as a matter of fact) How do I handle the lonliness? I work, go hiking, clean the house from top to bottom, random road trips. It is a vicious cycle, isn't it?

Believe me, I have days where I crave closeness, conversation, affection (I did not say sex, thank you!), and an emotional connection. Heck, all I want is the chance to hold hands with, hug, or cuddle up next to someone on the couch during a movie. And sadly, writing this just makes it worse.

During our discussion, M asked me if I had ever thought I could get married to a woman. In truth, I was once engaged to an incredible girl. I honestly loved her, but in the end I broke off the engagement. No worries, she is living a wonderful life as a college professor in a southern college. She is happy!

In recent years I have also had thoughts of what if I decided to persue a relationship with my best friend, Cal. Cal and I have been best friends since the 6th grade. We have been through an awful lot together over the past 20 years or so. I know our families have pretty much expected we would end up dating and getting married. I won't lie to you...I think we have ALL thought the same thing. Last year, she told me that if I was interested in dating her that she would be open to it. I told her I wasn't ready for that at the moment but I would think about it further. I hated to let her down like that.  I did not want to hurt her. I actually could see us married with kids. I love her family...I refer to her parents as "Mom and Dad." My family loves her too. So the question is why don't I give it a chance? The answer is that I don't know that I can put her through the fact that I am attracted to men. It would destroy her. I love her too much to let that happen.

Am I crazy? Could I not have a marriage with her? I just don't think I could do it! What would happen if I became attracted to a guy while I was married to Cal? Ultimately, I just don't know how our marriage would succeed when there are obvious needs we cannot meet for each other.

I hope I am not offending anyone. I am just thinking outloud for my situation. I know that there are couples who are constantly working through this very situation. I have been reading several blogs from these couples. I am amazed at how they keep their marriages successful. But, in the case of me and Cal, I don't think either of us is strong enough to do that.

So now I am back to square one...do I live a life of solitude, do I persue a relationship with a guy, do I to fall in love with a girl and get married? What am I to do?

The answer is I DON'T KNOW!

Obviously I am just exstin', but I need to take a chance and finally begin livin'!

Thanks for listening. And, I apologize for the length of my past few blogs. Just been on a roll, I guess.

Good night!
- JC

Hiking

My preferred choice of exercise is HIKING.

I am fortunate to live in an area of the country that is very mountainous. There is nothing like going for a hike through the mountains for several hours. That's right, I said HOURS! I enjoy going hiking even more when I am alone. I just have some me time. When I am stressed out and feel I can take no more, I will hop in the car and head straight for the Appalachian Trail.

Because of a knee injury I sustained this year, my hiking trips have become less frequent. When I do go, I don't get to go too far because the knee will start to give out or throb. Dang it, I feel like an old man. Doctors are talking surgery which I am not happy about. I have been fortunate in my life to not have any broken bones or any surgeries. We will see, but I need to get this done ASAP.

Anyway, the real purpose of this post was to show you some pictures I took during one of my hiking excursions through the Appalachian Trail. That day I hiked for well over 3 hours. I lost track of time. You will see why when you look at the pictures.

Can you see why I choose to hike in the Appalachians? The incredible beauty and perfection is awe inspiring.

Makes me want to get in the car and head that way right now. Alas, I have entirely too much work to do before our next quarter begins tomorrow. I will be restricted to walking at one of our city parks for a while today. Maybe I will just head to the gym instead. Oh well!

Have a great day!

- JC

It's All About Making Progress

I wanted to start by saying that I have gotten to email/chat/interact with some new fellow bloggers. Their stories are simply incredible. Several of the blogs I have actually read in their entirety this week...one of the benefits of having 9 days off for fall break.

I know that I can get down at times and complain. We all do it, don't we? After reading a couple of specific blogs, I soon realize that my struggles and issues tend to pale in comparison to my brothers-in-arms.

I also received an email last night from one of the bloggers that I had recently discovered. (You know who you are.) I got a little freaked out when being asked if I actually lived in Tennessee (I do!) and if so, where did I live (I did reveal that in my response). What I did not realize when I was looking on this particular blog was that he was also in Tennessee. I calmed down when he made a point to say that if I did not how "out" I was, so if I wanted to keep my anonimity that would be cool too. That took me a bit to think about it. Discovered that we live in different areas of the state. So, I resonded and tried to introduce myself briefly. I also tried to explain how I found his blog. That took a bit of work. At some point, I may share that too.

Sounds like a really cool possibility for a good friendship. We can all use more of those, right? I know I am being very vague right now. Forgive me for that. Since we have only initially communicated, I am not comfortable linking his blog without approval.

--------------------------------------------------

I mentioned in the previous posts that the death and response to the death of Stephen Gately hit me pretty hard, and quite unexpectedly. Today was the funeral service in Dublin. It was not televised, so no one except the family and friends got to witness it. The song above, "In This Life" was sung by Stephens bandmate and best friend, Ronan Keating, at the request of Stephen's mother.

I have listened to this song several times today and it has just been tugging at the ole heartstrings.

--------------------------------------------------

OKAY, THE REAL REASON FOR THIS UPDATE

Over the week I have had the opportunity to really get into and discover lots in dozens of blogs. This week I became inspired. Having read about several of our bloggers/friends coming out to their families, I decided it was time for me to take another step as well. That bit of courage came yesterday for me.

I decided that it was time to explain to so many of my friends why I have been so distant in the past 2 years or so. I racked my brain deciding what would be the best way to do this. Ultimately, I decided email was going to be my friend today. (Efficiency was also the name of the game!)

I took about and hour or two and constructed this letter. Everything I wanted to say just poured out into that email. Once I finally was satisfied with what I had writted, and did the spell/grammar check, I had to figure out who I was outting myself to today. I did what any self respecting person would do...open my address book and just start choosing.

I skipped all my family members. (I am still working up to that one. Maybe this week.) I chose only two teachers in my school system in whom I have complete faith and trust. Finally, I chose close friends and old college ones as well.

Once all of that was done, and I was ready to send the email...I froze. I paused and began to shake. It was no ordinary tremble. I was shaking vigorously. It was FEAR! I just couldn't hit the button. It took me about 5 minutes of just sitting at my desk and breathing. I finally just said "to heck with it" and pushed "send."

Instead of waiting around the computer all night, I ended up going to dinner at a friend's house. My friend, Susan, is a substitute teacher in our district. She is the absolute best, and we have developed this wonderful friendship over the past few years. Dinner was this incredible marinated and baked chicken over noodles and alfredo sauce. It was wonderful. I spent about 3 hours with Susan and her husband. They have led an incredible life and have traveled the world. He husband was in the pastorate, and did many of his years in Europe, Africa, and South America. Honestly, I enjoyed the adult conversation.

When I got back home I went straight for my computer and my email account. I had a number of responses on there. I later discovered a barrage on my phone, too. I am extremely happy to say that it was all positive comments. I have discovered that I have the best friends anyone could ever have. They kept telling me how much they loved me and will always be there for me. It was exactly what I needed to hear.

I am making my way out of this cramped closet! I still have a few extremely close friends and my family to inform. The friends that I chose not to tell are those that worry me the most. I haven't decided if I am going to do a letter, a phone call, or talk with them in person. Either way it will be hard.

In a big surprise to myself, I am not so worried about my family anymore. Yes, my mother is the exception to the rule. I am sad to say she will probably be the last to know. That saddens me a bit, but I need to figure it all out first.

One last thing, and I promise to stop. Once part of my life that I don't always talk about is my religious beliefs and my relationship with God. It is difficult to admit at times. About two years ago I came to a crossroads where I needed to know how my sexuality and my Christianity would fit together. I prayed every night for God to take this away from me or to help me seek the answers I desperately needed. I was getting no answers, and I became more frustrated. It came to a point where I was yelling at God every night. I was just mad. At some point in all of that yelling, I calmed and just decided to listen. The answers I sought came to me in the form of music. (Music plays a big role in my life.) Once I took in what was being presented to me, I was able to see what God was telling me. I knew I was loved and that He knew me. That was exactly what I needed to know. For the first time in my life, I feel closer to God than I ever had. There is no more hiding.

The reason I bring this up is because this afternoon I was driving through the mountains to look at the foliage changing. Somewhere I was just in awe of what I saw. I decided to just send a quick prayer of thanks for what I was seeing and for just helping me through these rough couple of years. Just then every hair on my body stood up...goosebumps! I knew what it meant.

So today is a very good day for me. I cannot believe how everything progressed, but I feel very fortunate to have so many great people in my corner...that includes all of you who I have met or have yet to meet. Whether you know it or not, you have become my greatest support system in this adventure. Thanks to all of you.

Till next time.

- JC

Congratulations

Congratulations to Jason over at Carwin's Closet.

He made the decision and came out to his parents last night.

Way to go, Jason. I know that takes a lot of courage to tell your parents. We are very proud of you!

Now What???

Fair Warning...This Could Be a Long One (Lots of thoughts running in my mind today!)

ROBIN WILLIAMS

Last night I went to see Robin Williams in his "Weapons of Self-Destruction" tour. Simply put, I laughed for two solid hours, and I don't remember ever stopping to breathe. He is truly a genius. You have to be a genius to be that observant, quick, and witty. No subject to safe.

Being that he came to Tennessee, you can just imagine the comments he was making at the beginning of the show. I cannot remember all of the comments. The funniest ones though were his comments about Dolly Parton, her "natural" assets, and Dollywood.

I have to stop for a second and say that we were most certainly a wild and unruly bunch at times. There was lots of yeehaws and yells going on (Hey, it is Tennessee y'all!)

I won't go into too much of it all. But, I would like to leave you with the best pick up line I have ever heard. (And, please forgive me for any lack of political correctness. It is Robin Williams after all.)

"Are both of you parents retarded?...because baby you sure are special!"

I forgot to mention, being in the second row is incredible. Robin stood right in front of us the entire time, making eye contact with us, and even interacting with us. That was awesome. It was certainly worth what I paid for that ticket!


Update of my new Home

My goal on Wednesday was to get all of my boxes unpacked and everything set up in my house. Well, that did not happen. It just seems that the more I unpack and organize the more boxes that keep appearing. Sounds funny, but it seems to be a never-ending parade of boxes and storage containers.

I am going through all of my clothes at this point. I did not realize I had so much clothing. I ended up with 3 large suitcases, 7 trash bags (all of this was my dirty clothes...life has been busy), and 6 storage containers of clothes. Yes, it is just me in the house. Part of the clothing I am going through I cannot wear. I don't think I have mentioned this in the past, but about three years ago I lost 85 pounds. Obviously NONE of those will come close to fitting me anymore. I had been selling some of it on eBay because a lot of those clothes are Ralph Lauren, Polo, Tommy Hilfiger, etc. At some point I stopped doing that. Now, I am just bagging up all of the clothes that I don't or can't wear and taking them to the local charity. On the other hand, it is leaving me some closet room to put any new clothes in there.


Losing Weight

So here comes a subject that I never like to discuss...weight!

When I was a kid, I was this little skinny pole of a kid. I was an active child. I was fortunate to live in a neighborhood where there were approximately 20 - 30 other kids my age. We were always out playing ball, hide-n-seek (through the neighborhood), swimming in the pool, swimming at the lake, riding our bikes through "the woods", etc. I hardly remember staying inside the house for anything, not even for the rain!

When I was 14, my dad and step-mother told me that we were moving from my childhood home. To put it mildly, I was devastated. I ended up being severely depressed at that point. (Still reeling from my parents' divorce when I was younger didn't help either.) When we moved, we ended up in this house on the outskirts of town. The nearest neighbor was, no joke, a solid mile from my house. We were definitely in the country. I was miserable. I hated it there because I was used to having friends and neighbors. Now, all I had was seclusion.

So, what was left to do besides play Nintendo and eat. We all know what happens when you are inactive and do nothing else but eat, eat, eat...you get big! At some point, I might show you some comparison pictures just to prove the point.

Jump to about 3 or 4 years ago. I started seeing a therapist. It was at the suggestion of my teammate. Evidently I was a giant ball of stress all the time and was not enjoying life. I spent over a year meeting with my therapist (I will call her Teresa). Teresa and I met weekly for the first couple of months, then went bi-weekly, till we were down to once a month for a second year. I was able to work through everything I had kept pent up for years. The biggest topics that were discussed were my parents' divorce, the effect of my grandmother's death, me being a workaholic, not letting people see the "real me", my step-mother driving my dad into bankruptcy, etc.

Once I got to a point of enjoying my life, I made the decision that it was time for me to lose the weight that came with all of this stress and issues. At the time I saw to see my doctor for help/advice, I weighed 333 lbs. (I cannot believe I just admitted that to you all.) I was embarassed and ashamed when I learned that fact. I had never realized how big I had gotten.

The doctor gave me two options. (1) He told me I was a candidate for gastric bypass surgery. Since my health insurance policy has an exclusion policy against any weight loss procedures/medications, which was out. Plus, I don't like the idea of surgery. (2) I could do it the old-fashioned way - WORK FOR IT!

So, I chose to work for it! I began eating healthier. I cut out all drinks that contained any sugar or caffeine. I began a workout routine with a trainer. The trainer was expensive, but it was definitely worth the money!

The result…I lost 85 pounds in a matter of 6 – 7 months. I lost 10 inches on my waist and dropped 3 shirt sizes. I was on cloud 9!

I realize that is a lot of weight in a short amount of time. We were all shocked.

I was finally able to climb stairs without being out of breath. I could run and jog without passing out. I could do so many things that I couldn’t before because of the weight.

The best thing for me was that I was finally able to go shopping at the mall and find clothes in my sizes. I hadn’t done that in years. I became the king of American Eagle, Abercrombie, Old Navy, the Gap, and Banana Republic. My poor credit card was on fire.

The hardest part of it all since that time has been maintaining the weight loss. Like so many before me, I fell off the wagon HARD. I slowly began to gain some of the weight back (50+ pounds of it to be precise). I knew I could not go back to where I was. Thankfully, I have worked all of the regained weight back off and kept it off for about a year now.

Being a math teacher, I could not help but figure up how much weight I have lost in recent years. It came out to approximately 157 pounds. WOW! That’s a Backstreet Boy!

Just after Labor Day, I decided to kick my healthy eating and workout routine back into gear. My goal is to get below the 200 lb mark. I am determined more than ever to reach that goal and stay there.

There are several goals that I have for this year that coincide with the weight loss, or because of it.
(1) Run a 5K, and eventually a 10K
(2) Participate in the 5 Boros Bike Ride in New York City (42 miles long)
(3) Bungee cord jumping
(4) Go sky diving

The question you are probably asking yourself is “What’s the point of this?”

Here’s the point…I need your help and support. I need friends to check in on me from time to time and make sure I am still working toward my goal. I do much better when I am held accountable to someone. I will keep you all posted from time to time to let you know where I stand and the progress I am making.

Then, when I am ready to go sky diving, anyone is welcome to come along for the adventure.

Thanks for listening to this little rant and rave session.
- JC

I APPRECIATE YOU

One thing I try to impress upon my students is that everyone needs and has a desire to feel needed and appreciated. I try very hard to let them all know how much I appreciate them every day. In other words, I try to “walk the walk.”

So, I wanted to take a few moments and just say how much I appreciate all of you who read this blog and may/may not respond. The comments are great, but just knowing you all are out there reading this is enough for me. I have gotten to know some of you over the past few months, and those friendships are just incredible to me.

You have been there with comments and support when I needed it. I hope that I have been there for you as well. I will continue to be there when you need me.

Through this blog I have been able to meet and get to know some truly remarkable individuals. I have definitely learned a lot from you since I began this little adventure.

For those of you who I have not had the chance to meet, feel free to drop me a line on here or by email. (It is on my profile page.)

That’s it…I JUST WANTED TO SAY THANK YOU!


THE EFFECTS OF STEPHEN GATELY’S DEATH

I am not sure why this has gotten to me this week, but this story saddens me.

I was reading an article this morning that asked the question of why Stephen Gately’s death has gotten so much attention. I finally found a reasonable answer.

Stephen Gately is the first member of the Boy Band generation to die unexpectedly. Obviously his death has not made huge headlines here in the United States. His band, Boyzone, was mostly popular in Europe, Asia, etc. From report I read, they sold more than 20 million CDs during their career.

I think what has really gotten me is the reactions to his death. His band mates flew to Spain to visit their departed friend and to support Andy, Stephen’s husband. They flew to Dublin to meet with and offer their condolences to Stephen’s family. Together, the family and the band mates have made all the arrangements for the funeral services and the impending memorial service in London. They then flew back to Spain to be with Andy and to escort Stephen’s body back to Ireland.

What got to me today was the report that said his band mates will be breaking with Irish tradition by keeping a vigil all night with Stephen in the church. Their reason for doing this is “because Stephen never liked to be alone.”

That, my friends, it true love and friendship!

I know that this is a strange topic to be blogging about, but for some reason it has affected me pretty harshly. This was a death that was very unexpected, and I guess it takes me back to the death of a friend of mine several years ago who also died very unexpectedly. I just seem to identify with the pain that Stephen’s friends and family are feeling at the moment.

I promise to not linger on this anymore. I apologize if it brought you down.