withdrawn
adjective removed from circulation, contact, competition, etc.
Have I become the dictionary definition of withdrawn?
Something this week has clicked, and some depression has kicked in on me. It could not come as a worse time. This is the last week of school before winter break. It is a crazy time if you are a teacher. This past week has seen my students in 8 hours of music practice (chorus, band, or orchestra). It really cut into my instruction time with my kids. We have tons of benchmark testing going on in every class. Factor in that we have a field trip tomorrow and a winter brunch on Friday, this week couldn’t get much more insane. Now add in that the kids are nothing but crazy, and I am holding on to what little piece of sanity I have left.
As a teacher, I have worked hard to make sure I am always in a positive place when my kids are around. I don’t let them see what is bothering me. Some of them have way too much in their lives, and they don’t need any added stress. So, I hide many of the feeling going on inside of me. Now it seems that it is seeping out and needs to be released.
What is wrong with me? I feel very withdrawn from the world right now. My life basically consists of getting up way too early, going in to work before anyone else is there (well, except for one of our custodians), working my butt off during the day, and staying late trying to solve the world’s problems.
As I have said before, I work hard to help everyone else but myself. I know it is not the healthiest way to live a life, but it is all I have ever known. It is difficult to change what I am. There are some serious consequences with being the work-a-holic I have become.
First of all, I feel I have secluded myself from my friends. I have not spoken to best friend Jenny in 3 months. I have no idea what is going on with her life…until today. Just a few minutes ago I saw on her Facebook account that she and husband Chris are moving to Florida in 2012. Instead of being 3 hours from me, she will end up being 8-10 hours away. I feel as though I have lost my best friend. I am feeling lost without her. However, it is totally my fault for not calling her or returning a couple phone calls she has made to me.
I miss Jenny more than words can say. I want so much to call her and talk for hours, but I feel myself not being able to call her. My foolish pride has kicked in and is not allowing me to call her. Actually, it is probably the fear I won’t know what to say. I want so much to apologize to her, but I don’t have the words to truly say how remorseful I am for excluding her from my life over the past few months.
I am excluding all my friends. I miss them all. I want so to reach out to Mandi, Mikeal, Jenny, Mikey, Milo, and a slew of other friends who have been such a huge part of my life. I love you, my friends, and I miss you all! Please forgive me for keeping everyone out of my life. You don’t deserve that from me, and I am totally to blame. Please remember that I truly love each and every one of you.
My family has noticed it too. I have not seen my mother in about 6 months. Sadly, she lives only an hour away from me. I was lucky to see my dad, Aunt Sue, and my Uncle Gary at Thanksgiving. It was the first time I had seen any of my family in at least 3-6 months.
I feel very isolated here. Not only am I isolated from my friends and family, I have isolated myself from having any social life. I don’t go out. I don’t meet new people. I am inadvertently making it impossible to meet people and have people in my life.
Why have I become such a recluse? Why do I feel like Emily Dickinson?
Part of the problem is that I don’t know how to get out of my comfort zone and make a concerted effort. Does anyone have any suggestions?
Thanks for listening, my friends!
-J-
"winter brunch", not Christmas brunch?
ReplyDeleteis yours a school for Druids, worshipping seasons?
Ah, we must call it winter brunch simply because we have a pair of students who are not allowed to participate in any sort of holiday celebrations...Christmas, Valentines Day, etc. It is the same with the Pledge of Allegiance. These two students are not allowed to say the Pledge of Allegiance. However, they are respectful and stand quietly while others say it.
ReplyDeleteConsequently, I have told my students that no one can force them to say the Pledge of Allegiance either. We have discussed the fact that we live in a free society where everyone has a choice. However, I do demand respect in my room, so they all are asked to stand quietly to allow others to say the pledge if they so choose.
We work to be respectful of every one and their beliefs in my class, on my team, and in my school. Welcome to my world every day!
I think you know why you are like this. But you don't want to admit it to yourself.
ReplyDeleteI feel your pain. I have a teen daughter (20), a junior in college. She has tried to commit suicide twice in the past year. She also "stays at her home"...not socialing or talking to friends. College should be the best timne of her life...but it looks like it's the worse. I can't help her, until she decides she wants to help herself. She has talked to counselors, but doesn't follow thru with their reccomendations... I'm so afraid that I'll "lose" her.. So yes, I fell your pain. You need to call your 'best friend', before you lsoe her forever. Make the FIRST move... It will be hard at first...but it will be a relief for you to talk to her! I've been following your blog for a few months... Hope and pray things get better for ya!!
ReplyDeletei am sorry you feel so alone. i feel the same way and don't know how to change...or even if i want to...
ReplyDeleteTake care of yourself...my husband is a teacher too...and you all work w a y too hard!
When I made a move almost eight years ago, I didn't know many people in my area, so I got on Meetup and found a few groups in which to get involved. I've made a bunch of new friendships that way, especially in my film buffs group. Just a suggestion!
ReplyDeleteI'm an introvert, so withdrawal is the natural leaning I have. While it's great to recharge alone, I know how much better I feel when I'm maintaining connections.
Good luck!
The only thing I can say Change is not EVER comfortable.... your going to have to force yourself out of your comfort zone if everything stay the same nothing Changes ... I know that is easier said than done... BTW I respect your respect of others beliefs and tolerance of it too... thinking your school goes over a bit ... but yes I understand why. Hoping you find your courage and reach out side your comfort zone...( I support you either way)
ReplyDeleteSaid with Love From your Friend Lee