My Sordid Past

We all have things in our past that make us cringe at time. Here is mine.

Oh, friends, I kid you not! This show taped every Friday evening and Saturday morning from the time I was in high school through some of my college years. We taped two shows on Friday night, and most of us were back on Saturday morning to tape the remaining three shows for a week's set. It was a blast and I loved it. However, I take a lot of flack from friends when they discover I used to do this. It's all fun! 

Thankfully, you will not find me on this video. (Believe me, I have been watching it back and forth making sure I am out of it!) Thus endeth the show and tell! 

A New Year Has Begun

Summer is over! School is back in session!

That's right. We began our new school year today. The past week leading up to this day have been a roller coaster of emotions. I am always excited to begin a new school year. New kids...new parents...new adventures!

Last week, I learned that my teammate and I will have 17 special education students on our team of just 50 kids. That means that approximately 1 in 3 of my kids have a learning disability or other disability that affects their learning. Last Tuesday I was going into panic mode at this discovery. My teammate and I met with one of our 6 special education teachers. She is the case manager for our 17 kids. She was going through each child's needs. The more I heard, the greater the weight I was feeling on my shoulders.

At the end of the meeting, I felt myself getting sick. I was nauseous, and I even had to dash to the restroom to vomit. A panic/anxiety attack was in full force. I actually went into the school's clinic to lay down for a bit. I was just so overwhelmed by it all. At 3PM, I went home and curled up in a ball on my couch. Can you say "fetal position?"

The next morning, I could not get out of bed. I was emotionally frozen. I didn't want to move. Finally, around 9 AM, I was able to pull myself out of bed, into the shower, and then off to school. When I arrived at the school, I immediately went into my assistant principal's office to talk with her. She asked if I was okay. Apparently, I looked awful. I just shook my head that I wasn't okay, and at that point I broke down in her office.

She looked shocked. My AP couldn't figure out what was wrong. I told her that I was having such great doubt about my ability to be an effective teacher this year given the enormity of the number of kids in my class that are classified as special ed. (Did I mention some hallways don't have a single special education student?!?!) Donna (my AP) told me that we were selected for this group of kids because they had great faith in our abilities as teachers. They saw my test scores at the end of the last year, and knew I could get results from my special ed kids.

I finally calmed myself down and talk about the kids. I told her I would take it one day at a time.

I don't really want to get into all the information about my special ed kids, because the list is so lengthy. However, there is one that I want to share with you.

I was told I will have a 6th grade boy who has muscular distrophy (I cannot remember the specifics just yet).  We were told that his condition had worsened over the past year. In fact, he had gained over 100 pounds in just the past 12 months due to his condition. We were told that doctors are giving him less than a year to live.   They told us that his anger level has escalated as he has come to better understand the finality of his life. He has given up on academics.

I told my principal that the only fear I have ever had as a teacher is to have a student that I am teaching to pass away. I don't know how or if I would be able to handle it. I don't know if I could mentally and emotionally get myself under control to help care for my other kids. It sends chills down my spine just thinking about it now.

This was all last week. We had a meet and greet event last Thursday to get a preview of some of the kids and parents we would have this year. I have to admit that my anxiety level dropped after getting to meet some of the incredible kids that came to the meet and greet. It helped me prepare myself for today.

This morning, around 7:50 I received word that my MD student arrived at the school, and that he would soon be down my hall. From what I had heard before today, I was expecting a student in horrible shape who could barely get around. Boy was I surprised.

Jackson (name changed for anonymity) rolled into my classroom. He was obviously nervous. However, when he saw a student he knew, he began to relax and open up. Throughout the day he was participating in class, raising his hand, laughing, contributing, etc.

This was not the student I was expecting. I was shocked, but more than pleasantly surprised. I spoke to to his physical therapist who is now located at our school. She said she had not seen this side of Jackson. She was more than thrilled by this.

After school today I spoke with Donna about Jackson. She said she was also not expecting what she saw today. She spoke with Jackson outside at the buses this afternoon. He told her he was nervous this morning, but he was loving this school. He said he loved being in my class.

I will be honest with you...that right there made my day, week, and year. I was just happy to be able to make this kid smile and bring some semblance of joy to this kids life. 

I was speaking with another colleague this evening, and she said it was amazing to think we never know why certain kids cross our classroom doorways. We don't know why we were the ones chosen to be in their lives. It really got me to thinking about why I became a teacher. I became a teacher because I wanted to make a difference in the lives of the children I meet and teach. I lost sight of that in the panic and anxiety of last week. Somehow, getting to meet Jackson today, and seeing how happy he was with us...even if only for a short time, really put it all into perspective. I know now that I will continue to do just that. I will work my butt off day in and day out to make sure my students get the very best education possible. I will be there for them when they need that extra bit of support and joy in their lives. With me, they will be protected and thrive in my care!

So, it was a rough start last week. However, today brought new surprises and a few miracles that I needed to see to know I am in the right place.

Till next time!

Greetings, friends!


What a week it has been. On Friday evening I arrived home from an 8-day trip to our nation's capital. I have been attending a conference with about 10,000 other teachers from across the country...and the world. We have had the best time, and there is so much to share. However, all in due time! 


There is an aspect of my trip that I want to share with you. 


As part of the teacher organization, we have a number of caucus groups that strive to have their agenda included within the operations, belief statements, and missions of our organization. I am a member of several caucuses because I believe in the work they do and the support they provide. One caucus, in particular, led to some pretty heavy discussions this week. 


I am a member of the GLBT caucus within our organization. I joined the caucus because I believe in equal rights for ALL. (For this same reason, I am a member of other caucuses.) I also joined the caucus so that I could relate to other educators in the same boat as I. 


During this year's assembly, there were a number of new business items that were written. I also discovered that the GLBT caucus had asked a few of them to be amended. One new business item that comes to mind was written so our organization would actively work to support ethnic minorities in education. However, it seemed that the GLBT caucus wanted protections for GLBTQ students/teachers included. There was a great amount of discussion around this new business item, much around the inclusion of the GLBTQ clause. 


As an organization, our association has worked hard for protections for GLBTQ students and educators. This has been part of our association's business for a number of years. However, I found myself on the opposite side of the line against my caucus' position. There was an amendment that would change the clause from GLBTQ students and faculty to the word ALL. It was felt that the use of ALL would include everyone without singling out a specific group, especially since this original business item was meant for protection of ETHNIC minorities.


The reason I bring all of this up is a precursor to a conversation I had later that evening with my friend, Karen. 


Karen is a fellow teacher from my school system here in Tennessee. We have been great friends for several years. In fact, I came out to her while we were attending this same conference several years ago when it was in San Diego. She has been there through the years, and vice versa. So, she tends to know me pretty well.


That evening, we decided to go to dinner and take a night walk through the national monuments. (It truly is the best way to experience them!) We went to dinner at a very yummy Indian cuisine restaurant in Georgetown. After dinner we walked to the Metro (aka the subway) and the talk ensued. 


In our discussion, we were talking about the activities surrounding this new business item, and the GLBT caucus' bringing forth the amendment. I made a statement to Karen that I do not always agree with the members of the caucus. I made it a point that I am often times uncomfortable with the GLBT caucus always trying to push an agenda that could possibly alienate others. 


Now, before anyone decides to chastise me for that statement, let me explain. I do believe in equal rights for everyone under the law. I also believe that beyond equal rights, I also believe that we all need to love and accept one another. I have found through the years that trying to force someone to accept you will never work.


Somehow this conversation led to a discussion of me being comfortable within the GLBT caucus and the GLBT community. The truth is that I am not comfortable. That is hard for me to say, because I know that some will take issue with that. However, please understand that I am still not comfortable within my own skin. I don't consider the fact that I am gay to be the driving identifier in my life. For some reason, I felt like that is driving force behind the caucus, and that has led to my discomfort with them. 


I made a statement to Karen that really shook me up. I told her that although I identify myself as gay, I don't believe that I will ever find love with another guy. I told her I have resorted to the realization that I am destined to live my life alone and without a significant other. Even as I write this, I find it hard to read. It is, however, exactly how I feel about my life. 


Does this make me sad? Yes, but only when I give it great thought. In reality, I have never felt romantic/emotional love for another. Would I know what it felt like if I had...I would hope so. But, to this point in life...no true feeling of love for another. Consequently, I have great love for my friends and family, but I don't feel that would be the same thing. 


The discussion with Karen left me very sad and depressed that night. In common form, I resorted to keeping busy the next few days to avoid the issue. It is how I work through so many issues...I stay busy. In this instance, I had to go back to work with 10,000 other educators. 


Why am I telling you all of this on my blog? I have no idea. It felt like a good idea to just get it off my chest. 


Thanks for listening. 
Joey

Some music for your enjoyment! 

New Addition to My Family

The school year has come and gone. Thank goodness! I am exhausted! However, life has still been busy. This past week began with me teaching my very first college course. I am officially an adjunct faculty member within the College of Education. I have been excited about this prospect, but I was also a nervous wreck. The first week has been a blast!

The weekend before the final week of school (2 weeks ago), I decided it was time to add to my family. Sadly, it also meant I had to let go of a very loyal and dedicated member of my family. I made the decision to finally let go of my beloved 2001 Pontiac Aztek.

Yes, my Aztek really was this color!

I have had this vehicle since December of 2001 when my previous car decided to drop its transmission. It has been the best car I have ever had. My Aztek (which has loving been referred to as "The Short Bus" since I got it) had over 192,000 miles on it and had only been in the shop for minor repairs twice in 11 1/2 years. But, the time had come to let it go. Over the past few months the front windows were breaking down, I lost the glass on my passenger side mirror when I hit a plastic trash can, and the air conditioner decided to die a few weeks earlier. I knew it wasn't going to be long before I had to get back out there and purchase a vehicle. I just didn't plan on it being at the beginning of summer!

I went to the car dealer to look at the Jeep line. I don't know why I made that choice. Jeep had not even been on my radar until I drove a Jeep Patriot that I had rented for a business trip several months back. When I got to the dealer I test drove this 2012 Patriot. I loved the green color, and it rode very well. I decided to play Let's Make a Deal. After about an hour of back and forth on the price and the allowance for my trade-in, I decided I would not pursue the green Patriot. The payments were going to be too high for my salary. Yes, I had set a limit, and this was going to be substantially over that.

I knew they had a slightly used Patriot in excellent condition. I took it. The price was right (about $13,000 - $14,000 less that the green Patriot), and I will have it paid off in just 3 years! (That is the best part in my eyes!) I purchased an extended warranty to keep me covered for another 50,000 miles! So I reluctantly handed over the keys to the Short Bus and said goodbye to my wonderful friend. Then I got in my new vehicle and drove off the lot.

Here I am two weeks later, and I am loving my new baby, which I have decided to call Ruby...for obvious reasons. She is less room than my Aztek, but it was more than I needed anyway. I am loving the new color of my car. I am no longer in a very conspicuous yellow Aztek. I am now is a much more inconspicuous ruby-colored Patriot. I am harder to spot on the street. Everyone knew where I was at when I had the Aztek. It became part of my identity. Now I can traipse around town (and beyond) without worrying about being seen out in public.

This is a huge adjustment coming my way. I haven't had a car payment in 6 years. Now I am back in the debt pool, but the plan to pay it off in 3 years makes me feel better.

I guess we can say that this is my birthday present to myself. (For those of you keeping track, my birthday is in 15 days...June 24th!)

So everyone, please say hello to the new woman in my life...RUBY! 

I AM HERE!

My dear friends -

I know that I have been away from so many of you for a while now. I cannot offer up any valid excuse except to say that life has been flying by at an incredible pace. I am sincerely sorry that I have neglected our friendship over the past year. It was not intentional. I truly value and need your friendship. It just appears that I have not been the best friend to any of you! I am so utterly sorry for that!

I have been in survival mode over the past months...well, since about September. Being our education association's leader has taken a toll on me over the past three years. This year has been the hardest. It seems that I am daily dealing with legislative issues, meetings with legislators, meetings with teachers and administration, giving interviews with members of the press, representing educators in meetings, fighting a ridiculously-flawed evaluation system, talking with our legal services team, and so much more. Somewhere in there I have also been working my butt off to make sure my students get the best education possible. Yes, on top of representing all the educators in our area and across the state, I am still first and foremost a teacher to my 75 middle schoolers.

I have been insanely focused on making sure everyone in our school system and state has been take care of, I have neglected one very important person in my life...myself! I leave the house each day before sunrise, and I typically don't get home until around sundown. Once my school day ends I am usually traveling to this meeting and that meeting for a variety of reasons. My calendar rarely has an empty spot! What I have not been finding time for is self-preservation and enjoyment of life.

What sort of toll has this taken on me? Because I am on the go all the time, I literally will crash as soon as I get home in the evenings. When I should be going to work out or getting out with friends, I find myself passed out on the couch. My body has been playing catch up on sleep whenever it can. Of course, this leads to one of the most embarrassing effects...weight gain. I have truly neglected my weight loss plan, and it has shown. This also leads to the depression I have been feeling this year. Yes, I am well aware that I have been in some type of "funk" from time to time. My typical defense mechanism against depression is to get out there and keep myself busy. Keeping busy has not been a problem.

With the summer coming up, I am making it my goal to get back on the weight loss plan and to get myself out of this "funk."

So, to sum it all up in a Readers' Digest version, it has been a difficult, busy, and very trying year. However, I am fully dedicated to fixing it all!

I will write more as life slows down for the summer months. Thanks for sticking by me.

Love to you all! I miss each and every one of you!
Joey