Greetings, friends!


What a week it has been. On Friday evening I arrived home from an 8-day trip to our nation's capital. I have been attending a conference with about 10,000 other teachers from across the country...and the world. We have had the best time, and there is so much to share. However, all in due time! 


There is an aspect of my trip that I want to share with you. 


As part of the teacher organization, we have a number of caucus groups that strive to have their agenda included within the operations, belief statements, and missions of our organization. I am a member of several caucuses because I believe in the work they do and the support they provide. One caucus, in particular, led to some pretty heavy discussions this week. 


I am a member of the GLBT caucus within our organization. I joined the caucus because I believe in equal rights for ALL. (For this same reason, I am a member of other caucuses.) I also joined the caucus so that I could relate to other educators in the same boat as I. 


During this year's assembly, there were a number of new business items that were written. I also discovered that the GLBT caucus had asked a few of them to be amended. One new business item that comes to mind was written so our organization would actively work to support ethnic minorities in education. However, it seemed that the GLBT caucus wanted protections for GLBTQ students/teachers included. There was a great amount of discussion around this new business item, much around the inclusion of the GLBTQ clause. 


As an organization, our association has worked hard for protections for GLBTQ students and educators. This has been part of our association's business for a number of years. However, I found myself on the opposite side of the line against my caucus' position. There was an amendment that would change the clause from GLBTQ students and faculty to the word ALL. It was felt that the use of ALL would include everyone without singling out a specific group, especially since this original business item was meant for protection of ETHNIC minorities.


The reason I bring all of this up is a precursor to a conversation I had later that evening with my friend, Karen. 


Karen is a fellow teacher from my school system here in Tennessee. We have been great friends for several years. In fact, I came out to her while we were attending this same conference several years ago when it was in San Diego. She has been there through the years, and vice versa. So, she tends to know me pretty well.


That evening, we decided to go to dinner and take a night walk through the national monuments. (It truly is the best way to experience them!) We went to dinner at a very yummy Indian cuisine restaurant in Georgetown. After dinner we walked to the Metro (aka the subway) and the talk ensued. 


In our discussion, we were talking about the activities surrounding this new business item, and the GLBT caucus' bringing forth the amendment. I made a statement to Karen that I do not always agree with the members of the caucus. I made it a point that I am often times uncomfortable with the GLBT caucus always trying to push an agenda that could possibly alienate others. 


Now, before anyone decides to chastise me for that statement, let me explain. I do believe in equal rights for everyone under the law. I also believe that beyond equal rights, I also believe that we all need to love and accept one another. I have found through the years that trying to force someone to accept you will never work.


Somehow this conversation led to a discussion of me being comfortable within the GLBT caucus and the GLBT community. The truth is that I am not comfortable. That is hard for me to say, because I know that some will take issue with that. However, please understand that I am still not comfortable within my own skin. I don't consider the fact that I am gay to be the driving identifier in my life. For some reason, I felt like that is driving force behind the caucus, and that has led to my discomfort with them. 


I made a statement to Karen that really shook me up. I told her that although I identify myself as gay, I don't believe that I will ever find love with another guy. I told her I have resorted to the realization that I am destined to live my life alone and without a significant other. Even as I write this, I find it hard to read. It is, however, exactly how I feel about my life. 


Does this make me sad? Yes, but only when I give it great thought. In reality, I have never felt romantic/emotional love for another. Would I know what it felt like if I had...I would hope so. But, to this point in life...no true feeling of love for another. Consequently, I have great love for my friends and family, but I don't feel that would be the same thing. 


The discussion with Karen left me very sad and depressed that night. In common form, I resorted to keeping busy the next few days to avoid the issue. It is how I work through so many issues...I stay busy. In this instance, I had to go back to work with 10,000 other educators. 


Why am I telling you all of this on my blog? I have no idea. It felt like a good idea to just get it off my chest. 


Thanks for listening. 
Joey

Some music for your enjoyment! 

New Addition to My Family

The school year has come and gone. Thank goodness! I am exhausted! However, life has still been busy. This past week began with me teaching my very first college course. I am officially an adjunct faculty member within the College of Education. I have been excited about this prospect, but I was also a nervous wreck. The first week has been a blast!

The weekend before the final week of school (2 weeks ago), I decided it was time to add to my family. Sadly, it also meant I had to let go of a very loyal and dedicated member of my family. I made the decision to finally let go of my beloved 2001 Pontiac Aztek.

Yes, my Aztek really was this color!

I have had this vehicle since December of 2001 when my previous car decided to drop its transmission. It has been the best car I have ever had. My Aztek (which has loving been referred to as "The Short Bus" since I got it) had over 192,000 miles on it and had only been in the shop for minor repairs twice in 11 1/2 years. But, the time had come to let it go. Over the past few months the front windows were breaking down, I lost the glass on my passenger side mirror when I hit a plastic trash can, and the air conditioner decided to die a few weeks earlier. I knew it wasn't going to be long before I had to get back out there and purchase a vehicle. I just didn't plan on it being at the beginning of summer!

I went to the car dealer to look at the Jeep line. I don't know why I made that choice. Jeep had not even been on my radar until I drove a Jeep Patriot that I had rented for a business trip several months back. When I got to the dealer I test drove this 2012 Patriot. I loved the green color, and it rode very well. I decided to play Let's Make a Deal. After about an hour of back and forth on the price and the allowance for my trade-in, I decided I would not pursue the green Patriot. The payments were going to be too high for my salary. Yes, I had set a limit, and this was going to be substantially over that.

I knew they had a slightly used Patriot in excellent condition. I took it. The price was right (about $13,000 - $14,000 less that the green Patriot), and I will have it paid off in just 3 years! (That is the best part in my eyes!) I purchased an extended warranty to keep me covered for another 50,000 miles! So I reluctantly handed over the keys to the Short Bus and said goodbye to my wonderful friend. Then I got in my new vehicle and drove off the lot.

Here I am two weeks later, and I am loving my new baby, which I have decided to call Ruby...for obvious reasons. She is less room than my Aztek, but it was more than I needed anyway. I am loving the new color of my car. I am no longer in a very conspicuous yellow Aztek. I am now is a much more inconspicuous ruby-colored Patriot. I am harder to spot on the street. Everyone knew where I was at when I had the Aztek. It became part of my identity. Now I can traipse around town (and beyond) without worrying about being seen out in public.

This is a huge adjustment coming my way. I haven't had a car payment in 6 years. Now I am back in the debt pool, but the plan to pay it off in 3 years makes me feel better.

I guess we can say that this is my birthday present to myself. (For those of you keeping track, my birthday is in 15 days...June 24th!)

So everyone, please say hello to the new woman in my life...RUBY! 

I AM HERE!

My dear friends -

I know that I have been away from so many of you for a while now. I cannot offer up any valid excuse except to say that life has been flying by at an incredible pace. I am sincerely sorry that I have neglected our friendship over the past year. It was not intentional. I truly value and need your friendship. It just appears that I have not been the best friend to any of you! I am so utterly sorry for that!

I have been in survival mode over the past months...well, since about September. Being our education association's leader has taken a toll on me over the past three years. This year has been the hardest. It seems that I am daily dealing with legislative issues, meetings with legislators, meetings with teachers and administration, giving interviews with members of the press, representing educators in meetings, fighting a ridiculously-flawed evaluation system, talking with our legal services team, and so much more. Somewhere in there I have also been working my butt off to make sure my students get the best education possible. Yes, on top of representing all the educators in our area and across the state, I am still first and foremost a teacher to my 75 middle schoolers.

I have been insanely focused on making sure everyone in our school system and state has been take care of, I have neglected one very important person in my life...myself! I leave the house each day before sunrise, and I typically don't get home until around sundown. Once my school day ends I am usually traveling to this meeting and that meeting for a variety of reasons. My calendar rarely has an empty spot! What I have not been finding time for is self-preservation and enjoyment of life.

What sort of toll has this taken on me? Because I am on the go all the time, I literally will crash as soon as I get home in the evenings. When I should be going to work out or getting out with friends, I find myself passed out on the couch. My body has been playing catch up on sleep whenever it can. Of course, this leads to one of the most embarrassing effects...weight gain. I have truly neglected my weight loss plan, and it has shown. This also leads to the depression I have been feeling this year. Yes, I am well aware that I have been in some type of "funk" from time to time. My typical defense mechanism against depression is to get out there and keep myself busy. Keeping busy has not been a problem.

With the summer coming up, I am making it my goal to get back on the weight loss plan and to get myself out of this "funk."

So, to sum it all up in a Readers' Digest version, it has been a difficult, busy, and very trying year. However, I am fully dedicated to fixing it all!

I will write more as life slows down for the summer months. Thanks for sticking by me.

Love to you all! I miss each and every one of you!
Joey

Why I Love Megan Hilty!

A Mother's Love

Greetings, friends!

Yes, I am still alive! Yes, I am still here! Life has had me on the proverbial hamster wheel over the past month and a half. I have been on the go...non-stop! But, I thought I would take a few moments and post this tonight.

Today is my mother's 58th birthday. (Don't you dare tell her I told you her age! She would kill me!) Yesterday, I was out shopping, and I stopped to pick up my mom a birthday card. I spent at least 15 minutes in the that blasted birthday card section looking over an immeasurable number of cards trying to find the right one. I couldn't find a card that matched my mother.

All of these cards talk about how much a mother has been there for her kids throughout their lives...they didn't work! Some talked about the memories a mother has given her children as they were growing up...those didn't work either. Every one I looked at were for mothers who have been in their children's lives throughout the years. None of them matched! I became increasingly frustrated as I read each card. I finally threw up my hands and just stopped in my tracks. Then, it happened...

I began to break down and cry in the middle of the birthday card section!

Thankfully, no one was around to see this moment of weakness. I could not believe that this had hit me in such a manner. I finally got myself composed before anyone could see me, and then I walked out of the store.

As I stood there in the store, I realized that I never have had the type of mother-son relationship that I have always wanted in my life. It is the biggest aspect of my life that has haunted me for years.

My parents divorced when I was 5. I can remember the arguments and yelling between my parents. I can still remember on specific scene where I was hiding in my favorite spot under the bar/counter between the kitchen and dining room. I was hid in the corner, and my parents came into the kitchen. They were yelling at each other at the top of their lungs. I remember sitting in that corner trying not to cry and be heard. I remember it tearing me up. Like many young kids, I truly thought my parents split because of me. It took me many years to realize it had nothing to do with me.

When my parents divorced, my father won full custody of my brother and me. I never lived with my mother again! From age 5 up to about age 20, I had an almost non-existent relationship with my mother. If I was lucky, I would get to see her for a day or two at Christmas. That was it. There were spans of time when I did not see her for a couple of years. As a kid, I would often ask a ton of questions as to why I could not see my mother, why my mother wasn't around, etc. The only problem was that we were not allowed to speak of my mother or the divorce. This was not my father's rule. It was the law of my paternal grandmother. She was the boss of the family, and everyone fell in line.

I was left without a mother in my life! Growing up, I found myself to be extremely jealous of my friends who had their mothers in their lives. They had the one thing I wanted most but could never have. Even now, I find myself envious of my friends and their moms. I see their relationships with one another. While I am happy for them, I cannot help but long for that. It will never go away!

Since college, I have been working on improving my relationship with my mother. We talk and see each other a few times each year now, but most of the time it is at my initiation of contact. I see so much of myself in my mother. It explains so much as to why I have always felt like the black sheep of the family all these years. I have never had anyone in my life to whom I could compare. I now know that I inherited most of my personality and traits from my mother. She is that missing link in my life!

I know my mother loves me. It is pretty evident when we are together. I fear that she does not know how to really be a mother to her children. I also wonder if the reason she does not contact me is that she feels some level of guilt for leaving us behind so many years ago.

I will admit that I have tons of fear when it comes to my mother. I am afraid that our relationship is fragile and can be broken easily. I am afraid to let her into to too many details of my life for fear that she may want to end any relationship with me. I am afraid that if we go back to having absolutely no relationship I will be at a loss. I fear that it may send me into a state of depression that I haven't ever seen. YES, I AM AFRAID!

So here we are...back in the isle of the card store. There I stand, distraught and confused! I had planned on going to try another store for a birthday card today, but I didn't even chance it. I will have to go tomorrow to get her a card. I cannot let her birthday go by without a card from her son!

Thanks for listening!
Joey